0:00:00.246,0:00:04.080
I started to question all this stupid hat shit when I was a kid

0:00:04.080,0:00:08.583
When I was a kid, I was a Catholic, at least until I reached the "age of reason"

0:00:08.583,0:00:17.113
okay, so I was a Catholic for about 2, 2 and a half years, something like that

0:00:17.113,0:00:20.449
and during that time, one of the things they told us was

0:00:20.449,0:00:24.233
that if a boy or a man went into a church, he had to remove his hat

0:00:24.233,0:00:26.703
in order to honor the presence of God

0:00:26.703,0:00:30.011
But, they had already told me God is everywhere,

0:00:30.011,0:00:36.043
so I used to wonder, well if God is everywhere, why would you even own a hat?

0:00:36.043,0:00:40.582
why not show your respect, don't even BUY a fucking hat

0:00:40.582,0:00:45.899
and just to confuse things further, they told the women exactly the opposite

0:00:45.899,0:00:50.285
Catholic women and girls had to cover their heads when they went into church

0:00:50.285,0:00:54.620
same as in certain temples, Jewish men have to cover their heads in those temples

0:00:54.620,0:00:57.452
In those same temples, Jewish women not allowed to cover their heads

0:00:57.452,0:01:00.680
so try to figure this shit out

0:01:00.680,0:01:04.015
Catholic men and Jewish women, no hats.

0:01:04.015,0:01:08.260
Catholic women and Jewish men, hats

0:01:08.260,0:01:13.431
somebody's got the whole thing totally fucking backwards don't ya think?

0:01:13.723,0:01:18.413
And what is this religious fascination with headgear?

0:01:18.413,0:01:21.729
Every religion's got a different fuckin hat

0:01:21.729,0:01:24.898
Did you ever notice that? The Hindus have a turban, the Sikhs have a tall white turban

0:01:24.898,0:01:30.014
Jews have a yamulkah, Muslims have the the Qafiah, the Bishop has a pointy hat on one day,

0:01:30.014,0:01:31.461
and a round hat on another day

0:01:31.461,0:01:35.335
Cardinal has a red hat, Pope has a white ha--why's everybody got a fucking hat?

0:01:35.335,0:01:37.899
One of 'em takes it off, the other group puts them on

0:01:37.899,0:01:44.097
Personally I would never want to be a member of any group, where you either have to wear a hat, or you can't wear a hat

0:01:44.097,0:01:50.499
I think...

0:01:55.299,0:02:01.708
I think all religions should have one rule and one rule only: hats optional

0:02:01.708,0:02:04.995
that's all you need to run a really good religion

0:02:04.995,0:02:09.587
Here's another one of these civic customs, swearing on the Bible

0:02:09.587,0:02:11.583
you understand that shit?

0:02:11.583,0:02:15.886
They tell you to raise your right hand and place your left hand on the Bible, does this stuff really matter?

0:02:15.886,0:02:20.277
which hand? Does God really give a fuck about details like this?

0:02:20.277,0:02:25.180
Suppose you put your right hand on the Bible, you raise your left hand, would that count?

0:02:25.180,0:02:29.702
Or would God say, "Sorry, wrong hand, try again."

0:02:29.702,0:02:37.447
And why does one hand have to be raised? What is the magic in this gesture?

0:02:37.447,0:02:42.327
This seems like some sort of primitive Voodoo mojo schtick.

0:02:42.327,0:02:47.479
Why not put your left on the Bible, let your right hand hang down by your side? It's more natural

0:02:47.479,0:02:49.278
or put it in your pocket.

0:02:49.278,0:02:53.970
Remember what your mother used to say? "Don't put your hands in your pockets" Does she know something we don't know?

0:02:53.970,0:02:56.953
Is this hand shit really important?

0:02:56.953,0:03:02.452
But let's get back to the Bible, America's favorite national theatrical prop.

0:03:02.883,0:03:08.318
Suppose the Bible they hand you to swear on is upside down, or backward

0:03:08.318,0:03:13.582
or both. And you swear to tell the whole truth on an upside-down backward Bible

0:03:13.582,0:03:15.932
would that count?

0:03:15.932,0:03:24.132
Suppose the Bible I hand you is an old Bible, and half the pages are missing. Suppose all they have is a Chinese Bible

0:03:24.132,0:03:29.383
in an American court. Or a braille Bible and you're not blind.

0:03:29.383,0:03:39.057
Suppose they hand you an upside-down backward Chinese braille Bible with half the pages missing.

0:03:42.165,0:03:49.684
At what point does all this stuff just break down and become just a lot of stupid shit that somebody made up?

0:03:49.684,0:03:55.416
They fuckin made it up folks. It's make believe. It's make believe, now

0:03:55.416,0:03:59.495
alright, okay

0:03:59.495,0:04:03.495
Let's leave the Bible aside, we'll get back to the science fiction reading later