Depression is one of the most poorly understood
conditions on the planet.
All experts weigh in
on what the cause is
and cures of this situation is,
but the thing is,
is that most of what they say
is all over the map.
And often, is contradictory.
And this can lead to people who are suffering from depression,
feeling even more depressed.
Before I get into this episode,
because I'm going to weigh in,
on what actually is causing depression how to cure it,
I have to say that depression is not a character flaw,
depression is not a weakness
and it is not something that people should be ashamed of.
What if I told you that you could understand depression,
if you understood a single sentence.
I'm gonna give you that sentence now,
and I'm going to actually use the remainder of this episode
to fully explain this in depth,
as well as what to do about it.
The sentence is this:
There is a big difference between resisting futility,
and accepting futility.
Depression
Everything that you feel has a cause.
Dysfunctional brain chemicals
or imbalance of brain chemicals,
is not a cause, it's a symptom.
You have to understand that,
before we go deeper into the actual cause of depression.
We are creators at our core.
What I mean by that is that
we are designed to come into our physical time-space reality
and to create the life we specifically want.
If we can't do this,
then how we feel is that we cannot create personal expansion,
we cannot fulfill our needs
and we cannot fulfill our desires.
This defies the entire purpose of even being here.
Basically when we can't do this,
we feel completely powerless.
Depression is caused by a situation in our life
(or many)
being something where no matter how many times we try
and try and try,
we cannot cause it to turn into what we want,
and what would meet our needs.
Therefore we feel it is futile.
Futility and depression are synonymous.
Now what you will find is that life
is relationships.
If you're talking about your "work life"
what you're really talking about
is the relationship that you have
to the people you work with,
bosses,
colleagues,
any of the above.
When you're talking about "home life",
what you're really talking about
is also relationships,
but this time with parents, siblings, children, spouse...
And here's the thing,
even when you're talking about a futile situation
that has to do with you,
that's still a relationship.
It's a relationship between two parts of you.
It's: "I feel futility
about the part of me that continues to behave in this way."
It's still a relationship.
So, Fundamentally,
if we go even deeper
and we drill this down to the root of the root,
this is what depression is about.
This futility of depression,
is that you perceive
that in order for something to become what you want and need,
you need cooperation
from other people involved in this situation
or other parts of yourself.
Because you can't create it or change it
by yourself or despite yourself.
But they will not collaborate
and cooperate.
Therefore this incapacity to change the situation,
because you can't do anything about it,
makes your self-esteem go out the window.
And you perceive yourself to be forced to surrender
to the tortured endedness,
of the fact that your life is suffering.
This is pure futility.
It is terrifying to learn that you cannot make someone
take your best interest as part of their own,
and collaborate toward you feeling good in a given situation.
This causes anxiety.
But this anxiety is simply the first phase
before someone hits a sense of futility.
But this is what makes depression, depression.
When you hit that phase of futility,
Instead of accepting that futility,
you resist it.
Part of you does not give up.
Even though you see it's futile.
Now what this does,
because you're so heavily identified,
with that part that is so separated
from what you really want and really need,
is almost like you're not lost in the darkness,
you are the darkness.
To comprehend the way this works,
I want you to imagine somebody who is
in front of a gate,
and this gate is blocking them from getting to a village
that they really want to get into.
Now this person will try every way
that they can possibly try
to get through this gate and into the village,
until it dawns on them,
that it isn't happening.
It's futile.
At this point they sit down.
But what they do sitting down,
is they emotionally
resist the fact that that gate is closed.
Because in them there's actually a hope
that even though it's completely out of their control,
one day,
maybe,
it might happen.
Basically, that suffering and darkness
is just something you have to hang on through.
Now all of this is done
as opposed to accepting the futility of the situation
and going to find another village.
What you have to see is that part of you
is not willing to let go completely.
You refuse to cut your losses.
You're so tied to the images of how you need something to be,
that you won't give up on it.
This resistance to the futility itself,
is what makes you so exhausted all the time.
And also keeps you stuck in futility.
Because you live in a time-space reality
based on the law of mirroring.
Whatever you resist persists.
Now people who are suffering from depression
when they really look at this dynamic of depression,
come up with reasons why they can't cut their losses.
But what they have to do, in fact,
to even get out of depression is to realize that it's actually a choice.
There's a big difference between: "I can't" and "I choose not to."
a lot of times when we say "can't" it just means that
I literally am in a situation where it feels like so much of a lose-lose
that it's not really a choice even though it is.
But here's the thing;
No one knows better than me, that you have
completely valid reasons to never be able to cut your losses.
But the thing is,
is you also have to see that it keeps you powerless forever.
It's critical to become aware of
just what you are so attached to that you can't let go of.
By accepting that it will never come to be.
What are you afraid will happen,
if you accept it is and always will be futile?
It's at this point that it's worth it to mention
that some people actually use depression,
as a way of avoiding suicide.
I know that's funny,
cuz most people think depression leads to suicide,
but actually depression is a way of avoiding suicide,
for as long as it works.
because of this;
Most people are afraid that if they really cut their losses
and really accept the futility instead of resist it,
accept that that thing that they can't let go of,
will never come to be in the way they want it to come to be.
A great majority of people think:
"You know, if I had to accept that,
I would have no reason to live."
"In fact, I'd wanna die."
Basically, they would see no future anymore.
Now this often happens because
a lot of times when we suffer from chronic depression,
we have the kind of personality
where we want what we want,
and we want it in a very specific way.
And we can't see that that thing we want
can come through any other way.
So for example,
I work with a lot of people who struggle with depression
and it's like: "Well I want love from that one person,
and everything else is just like a crappy substitute."
"So, unless that one person loves me,
in a situation where quite literally they don't and so it's futile,"
then I don't want to live anymore."
Now I know that it's hard if you've never experienced
the meeting of a need, any other way,
to know that this universe,
is full of unlimited potentials.
So I'm not asking you overnight
to just get: "Well, if you just walked away
from that village gate there would be another village."
Most of you are like:
"I don't know that there's any other village,
I could be wandering the desert for the length of a Bible."
But even that
can be an excuse that you use
to not cut your losses and to not accept futility.
And this means,
and it's what you're gonna have to see eventually,
you're actually committed to a dead end.
It's a common assumption
that depression is synonymous with suppression.
And this is both true,
and not true.
The reason is,
is that most people, when they suppress,
they're suppressing because by suppressing,
they do get something that they actually need.
For example,
I'm in a relationship where another person's not okay
with my anger and I want a good relationship,
so if I suppress, I can have a peaceful relationship with this person.
Now, we all know that doesn't work long-term.
But the suppression is still not ending in futility.
Now what makes depression so different from this,
is that a person with depression is often suppressing,
not because they're actively suppressing,
(it's not actually getting them anything).
What it is, is that after years of trying
to get that thing that they need and want so badly
to come to fruition, and it not working,
through expression,
they realize there's no freaking point.
Anytime they expressed themselves
and what they needed and what they wanted
and anytime they express themselves
so as to try to get somebody to change something they were doing
so that that could manifest in their life,
it was futile.
So, this means, that a person ends up in a situation
where why would I scream,
if there was no one there to hear me?
Yes, this means that a person has to suppress their truth
and be inauthentic.
But it's a very different flavor than normal suppression.
The flavor of it is,
there's no point.
It's at this point,
that I have to explain
that this is a reason why there's such a high rate
of depression in childhood.
Because childhood is actually prison.
We don't like to look at it that way,
but that's how it is.
If you can't leave your childhood home,
unless someone rescues you from it,
and most people aren't going to do that,
because most people are gonna recognize a home as being:
"a loving home" as long as certain needs are provided,
then you're a captive.
And your experience
and your capacity to bring about what you desire,
is totally dependent upon your keepers.
That means, if you have a parent who is not willing to cooperate,
by helping the child
line up with what they desire
and need and want,
that child is powerless.
It is futile.
Now here is where the spiral of depression gets even worse.
Because if you are unwilling to accept that something is futile,
so as to redirect your attention
towards any other way to meet those needs and desires,
then what you have to do is to stay
in a situation that is futile.
And to do that,
you have to actually betray a part of yourself.
So actually,
it is this refusal to accept the futility of a given situation,
that causes an internal war to begin.
Now what do you know about betrayal?
When one person betrays another person,
isn't that person usually really really angry?
This is how this part of you actually feels.
When you take an action to stay in a futile situation,
and betray it in ways to adapt to that futile situation,
that part that is inside you
wants you to freaking die.
Emotionally, it feels like self digestion.
People who struggle with depression are both
completely unaware of free will,
and yet damaged by free will all the time.
This is what I mean by that:
The majority of people who struggle from depression,
they feel like it is actually their responsibility
to try to get other people
and circumstances outside their control,
to align,
so that they can create what they desire and want.
In other words, they expect themselves
to be able to control those conditions that are uncontrollable.
And when they can't control those uncontrollable conditions,
It makes them feel like crap about themselves.
At the same time they're acutely aware of free will.
Why?
Because it's obvious that when somebody else has free will,
they are not going to take your interests
and best interest into consideration,
they're going to do exactly what they want.
Even if it's in the exact opposite direction of your actual desires.
Basically your pain
is that no one seems to be willing to participate
in creating your version of a feel-good life.
You feel like people are all taking action
intentionally or unintentionally
and often idiotically as if oblivious,
against it.
You hate them for it.
Why do you hate something?
Because it hurts you.
It hurts you that it seems in your life,
that nobody will use their free will
to take your best interest in continued consideration,
so as to actually collaborate
and cooperate to create a life that would feel good to you.
Also because you don't see the fact
that you are internally fragmented,
it doesn't make a sense to you,
why you oftentimes
don't do what's in your own best interests.
Talk about an atmosphere and a climate of self distrust.
But because you're unwilling to accept this
and unwilling to accept the futility,
basically it puts you in a position
of painfully just waiting for it to change one day.
But the thing is,
is that that waiting just gets more and more and more
and more painful.
Because as those years go on,
it just is proven to you over and over and over
and over again,
how futile situation is.
Then the third aspect of the depression spiral
sets in at this point.
You look around the world
and you realize:
"No one else seems to feel as futile I do."
"Great."
You make it mean something about yourself.
"There must be something seriously wrong with me
because I can't feel good."
Then the third aspect of this whole depression cycle
will set in.
And it looks like this:
You're looking around your life and you're realizing:
"No one else seems to feel as futile as I do."
"Happiness seems to be working for everyone else."
And then you make it mean something.
"Something must be seriously wrong with me because I can't feel good."
But here's what's actually happening:
because of the magnitude of the amount
that you care about this situation,
coupled with the magnitude of futility in that situation
you care so much about,
doing all these things
that would technically make someone feel better,
you know isn't gonna change that situation.
It would be like throwing a tic-tac at a charging rhino.
Or trying to celebrate an ice cream sundae,
when you know there's an asteroid headed towards Earth.
Or it's like someone coming up and showing you a comedy skit
when someone you loved to death is dying in a deathbed in the hospital.
You're gonna look at that and be like:
"This is ridiculous at this point."
Basically, you're aware that these little things
are not gonna make this bigger issue any better.
Having said all this,
what I'm about to say is gonna make a lot of people
really angry,
but I've got to say it.
Depression is actually a relationship dysfunction.
Most people don't want to see the depression
as not chemically caused mental illness,
(remember that the imbalance of chemicals is the symptom)
but is the result of relationship dysfunction.
Because most people don't want to admit to the futility itself,
in the relationships they have in life.
They would rather make it about how they feel.
In other words,
to sit there and focus on the chemical components
of your mind and how they're going wrong,
and what you can do to fix that,
is actually a coping mechanism in and of itself.
Why? Be really honest with yourself.
It feels more empowering and less futile
to focus on something
you can improve about your own brain,
than it is to try to fix
the relationship dysfunctions in your life.
Especially when you're surrounded by people
who seem so completely unable to cooperate
in creating anything that feels good to you.
Now death, you think you have me there, right?
A lot of people slip into this pattern of depression
after they lose someone,
this is still a relationship dysfunction. This is why:
Understandably, when someone dies,
it takes a while to accept it, right?
It takes a while to accept the futility.
The futility being, this person is never gonna come back.
So there's a huge period there were you're feeling
actually, really angry that that dead person
died in the first place,
and isn't really collaborating anymore
on creating this life you had in mind for you and them.
There's a second form of coping
that this actually gets us,
when we have depression and we focus
on the chemical component
of the dysfunction that we're experiencing.
And that is,
that maybe, just maybe,
if people see that we're not doing good
and that we have something actually wrong with us,
they might actually cooperate,
even if it is because of pity,
enough to stop antagonizing
our creation of what we want and need.
For this reason,
I'm going to say it's your choice
whether you decide to use antidepressant medication
to begin with.
I have huge issues with anti depression meds,
for a lot of different reasons,
but some people seem to like them.
The reason that I'm not going to propose
anti-depression medication,
as a treatment for depression,
is because it's like shutting up the voice
that's screaming about what it actually needs to do to heal.
Sometimes painkillers have a purpose.
If they work for you.
Sometimes that purpose is to take the edge off the pain enough
to let you focus on the actual root cause
of an issue so as to change it.
But thinking that any type of depression med
is going to cure depression,
is thinking that if you clip a little bit of a stem,
that's coming out of the ground,
that it's never going to grow back again.
It is!
The root is there.
All that being said,
what should you do if you are dealing with depression?
#1.
Face your futility.
Overcoming depression is all about
admitting to and recognizing
the fact that you actually feel complete futility.
Facing those situations that are causing the futility,
resolving the situation that is causing you futility,
even and especially
when that means accepting the futility
so you can focus on getting that thing somewhere else.
Yet again, this could be one situation or multiple situations,
but right now, I want you to look at your life
through this lens of futility,
now that you're consciously aware of it.
"How in my life,
am I feeling completely futile?"
People often never get out of depression.
Because all of the strategies they use
are to try to make a futile situation not futile,
instead of accept that that situation is futile,
and trying to get those needs and desires met in some other way.
Basically, they try to resolve things
in all of the futility resistant ways that they can possibly think of,
instead of facing the fact
that the non acceptance of the futility
is the problem.
This is also why fighting depression
is the dumbest thing you can do.
That's like resisting the resistance
of the futility.
~ Laughter ~
#2.
Do the completion process with the feeling of futility,
specifically.
If you feel futility in your life,
and this is what's causing your depression,
then it is about the futility in a current situation,
but what you have to accept and see,
is that that futility in the current situation,
is in fact a repeat or reflection,
of a likewise scenario of futility
that occurred in your childhood.
This is a repetitive pattern.
Obviously, we've got to resolve the root.
So, I want you to learn the completion process.
If you want to do this,
my best suggestion is to pick up a copy of my book
that is quite literally titled:
The Completion Process
And if you don't want to do it by yourself,
if you want to be led through the process,
you can find a practitioner
to lead you through this process at
www.thecompletionprocess.com
#3.
You need to work directly
with the part of you that resists the futility
and refuses to cut your losses.
This is the part that continues to keep you adapting
to the futile situation in ways that are detrimental to you.
And this sets up a pattern of self-hate and internal anger.
Also, work with a part of you that is opposite of that one.
You don't even need to know what that part is specifically.
You can simply say:
"I choose with my free will to become the opposite part
to the one that refuses to accept the futility
and cut my losses."
And allow yourself to really be overtaken
by the energy of that part of yourself.
To understand how to work with a fragment of your own consciousness
like this, watch my video titled:
Fragmentation (The Worldwide Disease)
Also to increase the understanding about the internally focused anger
that is created by this part of you, watch my video titled:
Bulldozing (The Way To Ruin Your Relationship With Yourself)
4. Having accepted the futility,
you have got to find different ways to move forward
to get those needs and desires met
in different ways that aren't dependent upon
the futile elements of that situation.
Do something new.
Look for the options that you DO have.
We get so stuck and locked in depression
because we are so focused on what isn't there
and what isn't happening.
The gate isn't opening.
Instead of looking for a gate that's open.
Resisting a futile situation, puts you in a rut in life.
And this is why it can be so beneficial,
if you're struggling from depression, to just make a change.
And I'll tell you something, the more drastic the change the better.
Depression is all about focusing
on what you can't change and refusing to accept you can't change it.
Instead of focusing on something else,
or doing something else.
So I want you to ask yourself this question:
"If I accepted that what I want is never and I mean NEVER,
going to happen,
what would I do then or instead?"
I know you've heard about this type of scenario before.
It's this thing:
if you stop focusing on the door that's closed,
only then, do you see one of the windows that's open.
It may be hard for you to believe that your needs and desires
can be met in any other situation.
Or even that any other situation actually exists.
For this reason,
I want you to watch my video titled:
The Zebra and The Watering Hole
Also, I want you watch my video titled:
How to Meet Your Unmet Needs
5. You must develop
safe relationships.
Depression is first and foremost relationship dysfunction.
Dysfunction in terms of your relationship with people
in your external life, and any sector of life,
and relationship dysfunction
between your internal parts.
The specific dysfunction here,
is that because of the lack of collaboration,
you find it very hard to create the life you want.
Most specifically,
it is powerlessness and unsafety
when no one will be an ally,
to the creating of the life you desire and need.
This means you need to go to places
where people see, hear, feel and understand you.
You need to heal the trauma
of no one choosing to align with you,
so as to participate
in what you wanted and needed to create for your own happiness.
But this is part of accepting the futility.
To do this you have got to stop trying
to get people who have no interest in doing this with you,
to do this with you.
For this reason,
one of the most important videos you will ever watch,
is a video that I did called:
How to Create a Safe Relationship.
Also depression is an intensely isolating experience.
For so many different reasons.
A) Because it was set up
by that relationship dysfunction to begin with.
B) Because the more you see
how unhappy you are versus how happy everyone else is,
the more alone you feel.
C ) It makes you isolate.
For this reason,
I want you to pick up a copy of my book that is called:
The Anatomy of Loneliness
This book breaks down
what the actual elements of loneliness are,
what is causing it,
and how to go from a state of loneliness to a state of connection.
6. The more little things you can do
to have control over your life,
so you feel like you can create
a life that is a mirror
and match to your desires and needs the better.
Now this is where most people go wrong with it,
because the majority of advice
that people give or tips for how to cure depression,
are done to try to make you feel better.
Stop actually focusing on trying to feel better.
Instead start trying to focus on
what makes you feel a little bit more empowered,
a little bit less powerless,
a little bit more capable
of doing things and being in situations
where your needs will be met,
instead of
situations that cause futility.
Now the majority of advice
that people give for how to overcome depression,
actually fit into this category.
It's just you have to look at them in this different way.
Instead of this being a little thing that I'm doing
to try to make myself feel good,
let it be a little thing that I'm doing so as to feel like
I have a little bit more control,
instead of futility,
in terms of creating what I want.
I'll give you some suggestions of what this might look like;
Eating foods that make me specifically feel good,
especially in mood boosting foods,
spending time with animals,
getting a massage or other form of touch,
exercising, getting enough sleep,
setting attainable and achievable goals
and scratching them off the list when they're accomplished,
taking on responsibilities which enable you
to see your positive contribution,
visiting and making new friends,
(this prevents you from isolating)
taking control of your focus through positive focus or gratitude exercises,
or working with your core beliefs,
sitting out in the Sun,
meditation,
creating a routine,
setting things in your schedule each day
that you can look forward to even if
it is as simple as watching a comedy show,
picking up a new hobby,
changing up things such as home decor,
or what room you sleep in,
or where you habitually go to eat.
Yet again, if you're doing those types of things
from an attitude of this will make me feel better,
you will just end up more disappointed
and with more proof that it's futile.
Because right now,
that's another form of futility.
Feeling good is futile.
Don't do these things to try to feel good,
do them to try to see
that you can have personal control,
instead of feel totally powerless,
to what you want and need.
If someone in your life is struggling with depression,
please don't be afraid of them.
There's nothing to be afraid of.
Depression is not contagious.
Also, people who are depressed,
they need your presence.
They don't need your pressure.
Now obviously, you don't know what to do to fix them.
Nor does a person who's depressed actually need you
to know what to do to fix them.
And the reason that most people who are depressed isolate,
is because it sucks for them to be around people who
continue to have this energy around them like:
"I need you to feel better."
That's pressure!
So if you're going to be around somebody who's depressed,
have the attitude of:
"I don't care if you're depressed for the rest of your life,
I'm still gonna be here because being here is where I want to be."
That's the only type of energy that takes off the pressure
for a person to suddenly feel good,
which they feel futile about.
And here's the thing;
A lot of you,
you're gonna have to become comfortable
with painful emotions.
Because most of the time when people experience depression,
they lose people in their life, not because they feel bad,
but because the people in their life
are too afraid of their own feelings.
To be around somebody who's suffering
it makes you feel something.
If you're not okay with feeling that something,
you're gonna go away from that person
sort of thinking that they're the cause for the way that you feel.
Really it's just that you're terrified of feeling those emotions.
Also, even if you've watched this video,
there is nothing that is shameful about depression
and this includes nothing shameful or wrong about resisting futility.
You know what this is like, Okay?
If you had a child,
or something you wanted worse than anything in the entire universe,
and that child was suddenly swept down the stream,
and there was nothing you could do to get them,
how long would it take you to accept futility, do you think?
This is what it's like for someone who's depressed.
This means overcoming depression is a great deal more complicated
than simply deciding with your freewill
to stop resisting and accept that futility,
and do different things that are empowering instead.
And it's a great great deal more difficult
than just jumping out of a hole that you got stuck in.
If you want to do the best that you can do
besides being totally presence,
than help somebody who is currently depressed
to face that pain,
instead of trying to get them out of their mood,
by doing something that will shift their focus.
Really help them to consciously go into it.
In other words,
instead of trying to get a depressed person out of their darkness,
hold their hand and dive in.
If you are struggling with depression,
I can promise you
that that feeling of zest for life,
the feeling of wanting to wake up, of having something to live for,
being energized, feeling inspired...
Is on the other side of feeling like you actually can
create what you need and want.
And guess what?
There are people on this planet
who want to cooperate and collaborate,
on fulfilling those desires and needs with you.
Basically, there are people who want to be an ally
to the creation of what you need,
versus an antagonist.
But all of this is on the other side
of focusing on the absence of what you do want.
And all of this is on the other side of,
really consciously facing,
accepting and resolving your futility,
instead of
subconsciously
resisting that futility.
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte