WEBVTT

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Beyond the problematic name,

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the rules for Smear the Queer
were strange ones.

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Me and my friends used to stand around
in this bllod-thirsty circle,

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someone would toss 
the football into the air,

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and the "queer" is the one 
that tried to catch the ball

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and pick it up off the ground,

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and now, without getting 
tackled or smeared, score.

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Look at this angelic face.

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I, nor my friends, had any understanding

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of what the term "queer" meant,

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but we knew that we did not
want to be the queer.

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But as an adult, when I take a step back

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and closely analyze the actual game,

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the queer is actually 
the most courageous one.

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So we all should've wanted 
to be "the queer."

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Yet, we raise young boys to wear
a mask of toughness in order to be a man,

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and we rob them of their childhood
and their innocence.

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Sport is one of the many vehicles
that parents choose

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to help their kids put on this mask.

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As little boys, we learned
that being labeled tough

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grant you a certain type 
of social capital;

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being thought of as weak
or queer is suicidal,

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both athletically and socially.

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For all of the rules that I was taught
about the game of "Smear the Queer,"

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and the rules for how to be a man,

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I was never taught how to be myself
and how to love myself.

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I didn't start my journey 
towards self-love and self-acceptance

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until I broke these rules and took off
what I call "the mask of masculinity."

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During my time in the NFL, I played

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with some of the greatest
players of all time,

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including a gentleman 
named Champ Bailey.

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Beyond Champ being a future Hall of Famer,

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he was also a wonderful teammate.

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Champ made it his business 
to coach us younger players.

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I remember sitting in a room
and having Champ say

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some of the defensive backs had 
an extra step coming out of our backpedal;

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and for you non-NFL fans, 
defensive backs must run backwards

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and then, with as few steps as possible,
transition and run forwards.

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Someone, maybe Champ, used
the term "wasted motion."

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The extra step transitioning from
backwards to forwards is wasted motion.

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But while the other guys were watching
their film, becoming better players,

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I was focused on myself,
and I was thinking,

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"Wow, I'm standing gay, 
I'm walking gay,

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I'm running gay, 
would you just stop being so gay?"

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That was wasted motion.

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Most of my life, in fact,
was wasted motion.

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In 2012, when I came out publicly,

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I was asked one question
over and over again,

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"When did you know that you were gay?"

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But the question I was never asked,


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and maybe, it's even 
the more important question,

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"When did I know that it was unnaceptable
to be thought of or to be gay?"

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During my sophomore year in high school,
when this photo was taken,

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I knew at that moment 
that I had an atraction to other boys.

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I also instinctively knew I could not, 
under any circumstance,

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reveal, be labeled as, or have 
any proximal association

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with anyone who was out as gay,
or even perceived to be a queer,

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because any association 
would force me to face who I was

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and simultaniously, face a society
that hated people like me.

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Though I could not verbalize this,

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deep down I understood,
with great clarity,

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that I was hiding one of the ugliest
and potentially most dangerous secrets.

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See, I was not just different, I was gay,

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I would be giving up 
so much power by being gay,

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and I'd be violating the very essence

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of what I was taught that being a man was.

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When you're openly gay,
you create a fear in others,

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because they believe that you have
the power and the potential

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to get other boys to be gay too.

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So by identifying as an LGBT person,

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my existence would threaten
the very social order.

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Growing up, I understood
I must wear this mask of masculinity

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every hour, every minute,
every second of every day,

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and that included taking photographs
worrying about my pose,

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whether or not I looked as masculine
as the guys around me,

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and that also meant that I worried
about things like my clothing choices.

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I would wear a 36 size jeans
when I was really a 28,

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or a triple-X T-shirt 
when I was really a "shmedium."

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And "shmedium", you all know, means
that you're kind of in between sizes,

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but I think that my uncle
said it best when he said,

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"Boy, you just haven't grown 
into that big old head yet."

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But one of the consequences 
of always wearing this mask

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is that you must remain hyper-vigilant
to everything around you,

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constantly scanning and surveying
everyone and everything

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in hopes that your performance is rewarded


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with a smile, a head-nod,
maybe with a Cam Newton dab,

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or something that looked like approval.

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But for me, wearing this mask 
of masculinity, it was never ending.

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I also knew that one of the rules

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was that I must verbally,
and with great rage,

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name, question, and call out other boys

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whose masculinity 
did not fit into the norm,

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and that included calling
other kids a faggot.

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I used the word "faggot" as a weapon

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to enact violence on other kids
whenever I could;

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and though these kids must have
thought that I hated them,

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the truth is I wanted to be 
one of these openly gay kids,

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but my struggle with internalized
homophobia, self-hatred, and shame

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prevented me from embracing them
and seeing their real courage.

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I also understood 
that the words "faggot" and "queer"

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weren't just used for kids
who were actually gay,

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but anyone whose gender performance

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did not fit into the norm 
and made others uncomfortable.

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So I created as much distance as possible
to not be labeled as a fag,

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and that meant also that I had
to be mindful of rumors,

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because one rumor could cause me
to lose all of this "imagined safety"

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that my many years of well-coreografed
and well-performed masculinity'd given me.

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Though I spent an enormous
amount of time and energy

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trying to keep on this mask,

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sometimes, that damn mask
just wouldn't stay on.

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We all know who this is,

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and I am the biggest 
Whitney Houston fan of all time.

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In 1993, the Bodyguard album had
litellary taken over the entire world.

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I was playing this album,
I was at home, all alone,

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I had my favorite song going,
"Queen of the Night,"

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and I was spinning around,
singing this song

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because my voice perfectly matches
Whitney Houston.

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(Laughter)

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I was singing, "I got the stuff that
you want, I got the thing that you need,

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I got more than enough"

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- Told you it matched it perfectly -

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(Laughter)

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but as I was spinning around,
singing this song,

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and after I've played it 
about three or four times in a row

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- I'll be honest, about 9 or 10 times
I've played this song in a row -

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I felt a tap on my shoulder,
and there it was.

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It was masculinity, 
looking me right in the face,

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reminding me that boys
don't sing Whitney Houston,

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that boys don't act like that,

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and demanding that I put the mask back on,

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and I remembered that masculinity
represented something,

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and that something,

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just like the performance
of masculinity was ever evolving.

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Sometimes, masculinity
represented acceptance,

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sometimes, it represented respect,

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sometimes, it represented safety,

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and sometimes, it represented power.

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But the performance of masculinity
never ever meant freedom.

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It meant that everyone, including me,
would never get to know who I really was.

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It also meant that I was practicing
a form of self-exploitation

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in an attempt to achieve something
that wasn't even real.

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That wasn't even real.

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Over the next 10 to 20 years,

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even though I struggled 
to take off this mask,

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I had come out 
to some family and some friends,

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I had a job, I had a partner,

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all the dressings 
that looked like wellness,

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I still struggle to take off this mask.

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Then I got lucky.

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I was fortunate enough to get a job 
at an LGBTU serving organization

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called the Hetrick-Martin Institute,

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It was there that I met 
some of the most gifted young people

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who saw themselves 
as "at promise" not "at risk."

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These "at promise" young people
showed me how to take off this mask,

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these young people didn't waste any energy
reenacting scenes or reading from scripts

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that weren't written by them and for them.

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These young people didn't waste any time
worrying about disapproving stares,

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and they taught me how to love myself.

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They hugged me 
with everything that they had,

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as they offered me the type of compassion
that I had yet to offer myself,

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and they showed me what real power was,

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as they erased the fear
that had imprisoned me

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and how they gained a type of freedom.

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Immediately, I wanted to take off my mask.

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That's me there in drag,
without my masculitnity mask on,

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because I understood, at this moment,

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that all types of masculinities 
and identities deserved to be respected

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and honored, free from shame.

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No longer did I need the swagger 
of a Jay Z to protect me against a world

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that may only see me as black and gay,

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or the bravado of a Deion Sanders

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to pretend to have confidence
when I was truly dying inside,

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or the comedic talents of an Eddie Murphy

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to deflect attention away from myself.

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I was ready to be free.

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So now, when I see NFL star,
Odell Beckham Jr. dance

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with the freedom of a young child,
I get my boogie on too,

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or when I see NBA star Russell Westbrook
push and create new boundaries

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with his clothing choices,

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I find out where he shops.

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When I see Willow and Jaden Smith

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crush the head of normative
boundaries created for them

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I pause, and I want to cry,

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because I know we're all being educated

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about how there is no one way
to be a man or a woman,

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or to be masculine, or feminine.

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I know that we're all getting 
a glimpse of what freedom,

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real freedom, really looks like.

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So what is the cost 
of always wearing a mask?

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What's the cost of never being yourself?

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The cost is never truly loving yourself,

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and never allowing 
anyone else to love all of you.

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So we must do the work to understand
what masks that we wear,

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and get the tools to take off those masks,

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and when we must help others get
the tools to take off their masks,

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and then I employ you to push 
the conversation even further,

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to find the connection 
between toxic masculinity and misoginy,

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and understand how the rule 
of homophobia is really sexism.

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Then we must push it 
even further to understand

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that until women are free, 
men can never be free.

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(Cheers) (Applause)

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Then we must do the work
to start loving ourselves,

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we must develop 
new and sustainable practices

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to give and show ourselves 
love every day; every day.

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Then we must meet some people like this,

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some people who allow you 
to show up in the world as yourself,

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and someone who will give you love
regardless of your gender performance.

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These types of individuals
allow us to be free,

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because everything else, everything else,
is just wasted motion.

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(Applause)