0:00:11.451,0:00:13.931
Beyond the problematic name,

0:00:13.931,0:00:17.611
the rules for Smear the Queer[br]were strange ones.

0:00:17.881,0:00:22.822
Me and my friends used to stand around[br]in this bllod-thirsty circle,

0:00:22.822,0:00:26.386
someone would toss [br]the football into the air,

0:00:26.386,0:00:30.686
and the "queer" is the one [br]that tried to catch the ball

0:00:30.693,0:00:32.377
and pick it up off the ground,

0:00:32.377,0:00:37.177
and now, without getting [br]tackled or smeared, score.

0:00:37.177,0:00:39.387
Look at this angelic face.

0:00:40.870,0:00:44.098
I, nor my friends, had any understanding

0:00:44.098,0:00:46.160
of what the term "queer" meant,

0:00:46.160,0:00:50.680
but we knew that we did not[br]want to be the queer.

0:00:50.680,0:00:53.386
But as an adult, when I take a step back

0:00:53.386,0:00:55.976
and closely analyze the actual game,

0:00:55.976,0:01:00.416
the queer is actually [br]the most courageous one.

0:01:00.416,0:01:04.940
So we all should've wanted [br]to be "the queer."

0:01:04.940,0:01:10.730
Yet, we raise young boys to wear[br]a mask of toughness in order to be a man,

0:01:10.730,0:01:15.155
and we rob them of their childhood[br]and their innocence.

0:01:15.155,0:01:19.406
Sport is one of the many vehicles[br]that parents choose

0:01:19.406,0:01:23.104
to help their kids put on this mask.

0:01:23.104,0:01:27.076
As little boys, we learned[br]that being labeled tough

0:01:27.076,0:01:30.482
grant you a certain type [br]of social capital;

0:01:30.482,0:01:35.623
being thought of as weak[br]or queer is suicidal,

0:01:35.623,0:01:38.737
both athletically and socially.

0:01:38.737,0:01:42.648
For all of the rules that I was taught[br]about the game of "Smear the Queer,"

0:01:42.648,0:01:44.885
and the rules for how to be a man,

0:01:44.885,0:01:49.636
I was never taught how to be myself[br]and how to love myself.

0:01:49.636,0:01:54.208
I didn't start my journey [br]towards self-love and self-acceptance

0:01:54.208,0:02:00.005
until I broke these rules and took off[br]what I call "the mask of masculinity."

0:02:00.885,0:02:03.475
During my time in the NFL, I played

0:02:03.475,0:02:05.727
with some of the greatest[br]players of all time,

0:02:05.727,0:02:09.137
including a gentleman [br]named Champ Bailey.

0:02:09.137,0:02:11.560
Beyond Champ being a future Hall of Famer,

0:02:11.560,0:02:13.493
he was also a wonderful teammate.

0:02:13.493,0:02:17.223
Champ made it his business [br]to coach us younger players.

0:02:20.617,0:02:24.377
I remember sitting in a room[br]and having Champ say

0:02:24.377,0:02:29.337
some of the defensive backs had [br]an extra step coming out of our backpedal;

0:02:29.337,0:02:33.206
and for you non-NFL fans, [br]defensive backs must run backwards

0:02:33.206,0:02:38.434
and then, with as few steps as possible,[br]transition and run forwards.

0:02:38.434,0:02:44.634
Someone, maybe Champ, used[br]the term "wasted motion."

0:02:44.634,0:02:50.751
The extra step transitioning from[br]backwards to forwards is wasted motion.

0:02:50.751,0:02:54.647
But while the other guys were watching[br]their film, becoming better players,

0:02:54.647,0:02:58.367
I was focused on myself,[br]and I was thinking,

0:02:58.367,0:03:05.347
"Wow, I'm standing gay, [br]I'm walking gay,

0:03:05.347,0:03:11.012
I'm running gay, [br]would you just stop being so gay?"

0:03:12.008,0:03:14.548
That was wasted motion.

0:03:14.548,0:03:19.338
Most of my life, in fact,[br]was wasted motion.

0:03:19.338,0:03:22.119
In 2012, when I came out publicly,

0:03:22.119,0:03:26.009
I was asked one question[br]over and over again,

0:03:26.009,0:03:28.950
"When did you know that you were gay?"

0:03:28.950,0:03:30.848
But the question I was never asked,[br]

0:03:30.848,0:03:33.643
and maybe, it's even [br]the more important question,

0:03:33.643,0:03:39.953
"When did I know that it was unnaceptable[br]to be thought of or to be gay?"

0:03:41.018,0:03:45.467
During my sophomore year in high school,[br]when this photo was taken,

0:03:45.467,0:03:49.808
I knew at that moment [br]that I had an atraction to other boys.

0:03:49.808,0:03:54.011
I also instinctively knew I could not, [br]under any circumstance,

0:03:54.011,0:03:58.431
reveal, be labeled as, or have [br]any proximal association

0:03:58.431,0:04:04.051
with anyone who was out as gay,[br]or even perceived to be a queer,

0:04:04.051,0:04:07.294
because any association [br]would force me to face who I was

0:04:07.294,0:04:11.810
and simultaniously, face a society[br]that hated people like me.

0:04:11.810,0:04:14.117
Though I could not verbalize this,

0:04:14.117,0:04:17.592
deep down I understood,[br]with great clarity,

0:04:17.592,0:04:22.682
that I was hiding one of the ugliest[br]and potentially most dangerous secrets.

0:04:22.682,0:04:27.224
See, I was not just different, I was gay,

0:04:27.224,0:04:31.445
I would be giving up [br]so much power by being gay,

0:04:31.445,0:04:33.282
and I'd be violating the very essence

0:04:33.282,0:04:36.422
of what I was taught that being a man was.

0:04:36.422,0:04:39.604
When you're openly gay,[br]you create a fear in others,

0:04:39.604,0:04:42.944
because they believe that you have[br]the power and the potential

0:04:42.944,0:04:46.067
to get other boys to be gay too.

0:04:46.067,0:04:48.713
So by identifying as an LGBT person,

0:04:48.713,0:04:53.216
my existence would threaten[br]the very social order.

0:04:53.216,0:04:58.911
Growing up, I understood[br]I must wear this mask of masculinity

0:04:58.911,0:05:04.301
every hour, every minute,[br]every second of every day,

0:05:04.301,0:05:08.266
and that included taking photographs[br]worrying about my pose,

0:05:08.266,0:05:11.625
whether or not I looked as masculine[br]as the guys around me,

0:05:11.625,0:05:16.666
and that also meant that I worried[br]about things like my clothing choices.

0:05:16.666,0:05:21.283
I would wear a 36 size jeans[br]when I was really a 28,

0:05:21.283,0:05:26.018
or a triple-X T-shirt [br]when I was really a "shmedium."

0:05:26.018,0:05:30.345
And "shmedium", you all know, means[br]that you're kind of in between sizes,

0:05:30.345,0:05:33.605
but I think that my uncle[br]said it best when he said,

0:05:33.605,0:05:36.615
"Boy, you just haven't grown [br]into that big old head yet."

0:05:38.371,0:05:42.171
But one of the consequences [br]of always wearing this mask

0:05:42.171,0:05:47.651
is that you must remain hyper-vigilant[br]to everything around you,

0:05:47.651,0:05:51.498
constantly scanning and surveying[br]everyone and everything

0:05:51.498,0:05:54.429
in hopes that your performance is rewarded[br]

0:05:54.429,0:05:59.599
with a smile, a head-nod,[br]maybe with a Cam Newton dab,

0:05:59.599,0:06:03.823
or something that looked like approval.

0:06:03.823,0:06:09.501
But for me, wearing this mask [br]of masculinity, it was never ending.

0:06:09.501,0:06:11.817
I also knew that one of the rules

0:06:11.817,0:06:15.167
was that I must verbally,[br]and with great rage,

0:06:15.167,0:06:18.285
name, question, and call out other boys

0:06:18.285,0:06:21.774
whose masculinity [br]did not fit into the norm,

0:06:21.774,0:06:26.364
and that included calling[br]other kids a faggot.

0:06:27.432,0:06:30.977
I used the word "faggot" as a weapon

0:06:30.977,0:06:35.727
to enact violence on other kids[br]whenever I could;

0:06:35.727,0:06:39.217
and though these kids must have[br]thought that I hated them,

0:06:39.217,0:06:45.788
the truth is I wanted to be [br]one of these openly gay kids,

0:06:45.788,0:06:50.297
but my struggle with internalized[br]homophobia, self-hatred, and shame

0:06:50.297,0:06:55.671
prevented me from embracing them[br]and seeing their real courage.

0:06:55.671,0:06:59.154
I also understood [br]that the words "faggot" and "queer"

0:06:59.154,0:07:02.148
weren't just used for kids[br]who were actually gay,

0:07:02.148,0:07:04.695
but anyone whose gender performance

0:07:04.695,0:07:09.235
did not fit into the norm [br]and made others uncomfortable.

0:07:09.235,0:07:14.302
So I created as much distance as possible[br]to not be labeled as a fag,

0:07:15.292,0:07:19.143
and that meant also that I had[br]to be mindful of rumors,

0:07:19.143,0:07:24.403
because one rumor could cause me[br]to lose all of this "imagined safety"

0:07:24.403,0:07:30.583
that my many years of well-coreografed[br]and well-performed masculinity'd given me.

0:07:30.583,0:07:33.492
Though I spent an enormous[br]amount of time and energy

0:07:33.492,0:07:36.537
trying to keep on this mask,

0:07:36.537,0:07:40.027
sometimes, that damn mask[br]just wouldn't stay on.

0:07:40.027,0:07:42.182
We all know who this is,

0:07:42.182,0:07:46.552
and I am the biggest [br]Whitney Houston fan of all time.

0:07:46.552,0:07:51.437
In 1993, the Bodyguard album had[br]litellary taken over the entire world.

0:07:51.437,0:07:55.056
I was playing this album,[br]I was at home, all alone,

0:07:55.056,0:07:59.321
I had my favorite song going,[br]"Queen of the Night,"

0:07:59.321,0:08:01.441
and I was spinning around,[br]singing this song

0:08:01.441,0:08:04.183
because my voice perfectly matches[br]Whitney Houston.

0:08:04.183,0:08:06.153
(Laughter)

0:08:06.153,0:08:11.766
I was singing, "I got the stuff that[br]you want, I got the thing that you need,

0:08:11.766,0:08:14.686
I got more than enough"

0:08:14.686,0:08:16.626
- Told you it matched it perfectly -

0:08:16.626,0:08:17.943
(Laughter)

0:08:17.943,0:08:20.401
but as I was spinning around,[br]singing this song,

0:08:20.401,0:08:23.874
and after I've played it [br]about three or four times in a row

0:08:23.874,0:08:29.254
- I'll be honest, about 9 or 10 times[br]I've played this song in a row -

0:08:29.254,0:08:33.876
I felt a tap on my shoulder,[br]and there it was.

0:08:34.696,0:08:38.437
It was masculinity, [br]looking me right in the face,

0:08:38.437,0:08:43.164
reminding me that boys[br]don't sing Whitney Houston,

0:08:43.164,0:08:45.454
that boys don't act like that,

0:08:45.454,0:08:49.048
and demanding that I put the mask back on,

0:08:49.048,0:08:53.968
and I remembered that masculinity[br]represented something,

0:08:53.968,0:08:55.555
and that something,

0:08:55.555,0:09:00.405
just like the performance[br]of masculinity was ever evolving.

0:09:00.405,0:09:03.951
Sometimes, masculinity[br]represented acceptance,

0:09:03.951,0:09:06.611
sometimes, it represented respect,

0:09:06.611,0:09:09.020
sometimes, it represented safety,

0:09:09.020,0:09:12.630
and sometimes, it represented power.

0:09:13.180,0:09:18.085
But the performance of masculinity[br]never ever meant freedom.

0:09:18.978,0:09:24.028
It meant that everyone, including me,[br]would never get to know who I really was.

0:09:24.028,0:09:28.154
It also meant that I was practicing[br]a form of self-exploitation

0:09:28.154,0:09:32.364
in an attempt to achieve something[br]that wasn't even real.

0:09:32.970,0:09:34.740
That wasn't even real.

0:09:35.857,0:09:39.417
Over the next 10 to 20 years,

0:09:39.417,0:09:42.922
even though I struggled [br]to take off this mask,

0:09:42.922,0:09:46.176
I had come out [br]to some family and some friends,

0:09:46.176,0:09:48.482
I had a job, I had a partner,

0:09:48.482,0:09:52.396
all the dressings [br]that looked like wellness,

0:09:52.396,0:09:55.096
I still struggle to take off this mask.

0:09:55.663,0:09:58.268
Then I got lucky.

0:09:58.268,0:10:02.663
I was fortunate enough to get a job [br]at an LGBTU serving organization

0:10:02.663,0:10:05.095
called the Hetrick-Martin Institute,

0:10:05.095,0:10:10.065
It was there that I met [br]some of the most gifted young people

0:10:10.065,0:10:14.848
who saw themselves [br]as "at promise" not "at risk."

0:10:14.848,0:10:20.860
These "at promise" young people[br]showed me how to take off this mask,

0:10:21.262,0:10:26.428
these young people didn't waste any energy[br]reenacting scenes or reading from scripts

0:10:26.428,0:10:29.696
that weren't written by them and for them.

0:10:30.256,0:10:35.886
These young people didn't waste any time[br]worrying about disapproving stares,

0:10:35.886,0:10:39.376
and they taught me how to love myself.

0:10:39.376,0:10:42.946
They hugged me [br]with everything that they had,

0:10:42.946,0:10:47.867
as they offered me the type of compassion[br]that I had yet to offer myself,

0:10:47.867,0:10:50.407
and they showed me what real power was,

0:10:50.407,0:10:53.825
as they erased the fear[br]that had imprisoned me

0:10:53.825,0:10:57.364
and how they gained a type of freedom.

0:10:57.364,0:11:01.426
Immediately, I wanted to take off my mask.

0:11:01.426,0:11:05.806
That's me there in drag,[br]without my masculitnity mask on,

0:11:05.806,0:11:07.674
because I understood, at this moment,

0:11:07.674,0:11:12.114
that all types of masculinities [br]and identities deserved to be respected

0:11:12.119,0:11:15.128
and honored, free from shame.

0:11:15.128,0:11:20.091
No longer did I need the swagger [br]of a Jay Z to protect me against a world

0:11:20.091,0:11:22.501
that may only see me as black and gay,

0:11:22.501,0:11:25.454
or the bravado of a Deion Sanders

0:11:25.454,0:11:29.166
to pretend to have confidence[br]when I was truly dying inside,

0:11:29.166,0:11:32.745
or the comedic talents of an Eddie Murphy

0:11:32.745,0:11:36.006
to deflect attention away from myself.

0:11:36.006,0:11:38.726
I was ready to be free.

0:11:38.726,0:11:44.086
So now, when I see NFL star,[br]Odell Beckham Jr. dance

0:11:44.086,0:11:48.402
with the freedom of a young child,[br]I get my boogie on too,

0:11:48.402,0:11:52.912
or when I see NBA star Russell Westbrook[br]push and create new boundaries

0:11:52.912,0:11:54.612
with his clothing choices,

0:11:54.612,0:11:56.814
I find out where he shops.

0:11:56.814,0:11:59.675
When I see Willow and Jaden Smith

0:11:59.675,0:12:03.165
crush the head of normative[br]boundaries created for them

0:12:03.169,0:12:06.946
I pause, and I want to cry,

0:12:06.946,0:12:09.600
because I know we're all being educated

0:12:09.600,0:12:14.039
about how there is no one way[br]to be a man or a woman,

0:12:14.039,0:12:16.933
or to be masculine, or feminine.

0:12:16.933,0:12:20.813
I know that we're all getting [br]a glimpse of what freedom,

0:12:20.813,0:12:24.055
real freedom, really looks like.

0:12:24.055,0:12:28.042
So what is the cost [br]of always wearing a mask?

0:12:28.042,0:12:31.064
What's the cost of never being yourself?

0:12:31.064,0:12:35.304
The cost is never truly loving yourself,

0:12:35.304,0:12:39.422
and never allowing [br]anyone else to love all of you.

0:12:39.422,0:12:44.272
So we must do the work to understand[br]what masks that we wear,

0:12:44.272,0:12:47.636
and get the tools to take off those masks,

0:12:47.636,0:12:52.303
and when we must help others get[br]the tools to take off their masks,

0:12:52.303,0:12:56.778
and then I employ you to push [br]the conversation even further,

0:12:56.778,0:13:01.498
to find the connection [br]between toxic masculinity and misoginy,

0:13:01.498,0:13:06.642
and understand how the rule [br]of homophobia is really sexism.

0:13:06.642,0:13:09.192
Then we must push it [br]even further to understand

0:13:09.192,0:13:13.734
that until women are free, [br]men can never be free.

0:13:14.523,0:13:17.523
(Cheers) (Applause)

0:13:21.504,0:13:26.094
Then we must do the work[br]to start loving ourselves,

0:13:26.094,0:13:29.889
we must develop [br]new and sustainable practices

0:13:29.889,0:13:34.750
to give and show ourselves [br]love every day; every day.

0:13:34.750,0:13:37.371
Then we must meet some people like this,

0:13:37.371,0:13:41.966
some people who allow you [br]to show up in the world as yourself,

0:13:41.966,0:13:46.736
and someone who will give you love[br]regardless of your gender performance.

0:13:47.378,0:13:51.629
These types of individuals[br]allow us to be free,

0:13:51.629,0:13:58.059
because everything else, everything else,[br]is just wasted motion.

0:13:58.059,0:13:59.629
(Applause)