9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I see the moon 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the moon sees me 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the moon sees somebody 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that I don't see 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 God bless the moon 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and God bless me 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and God bless the somebody [br]that I don't see 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 If I get to heaven 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 before you do 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I'll make a hole 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and pull you through 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and I'll write your name 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 on every star 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and that way the world 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 won't seem so far 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The astronaut will not be at work today.[br]He has called in sick. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He has turned off his cell phone,[br]his laptop, his pager, his alarm clock. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 There is a fat yellow cat asleep on his couch,[br]raindrops against the window 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and not even the hint coffee[br]in the kitchen air. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Everybody is in a tizzy. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The engineers on the fifteenth floor have[br]stopped working on their particle machine. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The anti-gravity room is leaking,[br]and even the freckled kid with glasses, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 whose only job it is to take out the trash[br]is nervous, fumbles the bag, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 spills the banana peel and a paper cup.[br]Nobody notices. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They are too busy re-calculating[br]what this will mean for lost time. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 How many galaxies[br]are we losing per second? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 How long before the next rocket[br]can be launched? 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Somewhere an electron[br]flies off its energy cloud. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 A black hole has erupted. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 A mother finishes setting[br]the table for dinner. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 A "Law and Order" marathon is starting.[br]The astronaut is asleep. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He has forgotten to turn off his watch[br]which ticks like a metal pulse 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 against his wrist.[br]He does not hear it. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He dreams of coral reefs and plankton. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 His fingers find the pillow cases,[br]sailing masts. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He turns on his side, opens his eyes once. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He thinks that scuba divers must have[br]the most wonderful job in the world, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 so much water to glide through. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Thank you. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When I was little, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I could not understand the concept[br]that you could only live one life. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I don't mean this metaphorically -- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I mean I literally thought[br]that I was going to get to do 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 everything there was to do[br]and be everything there was to be. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It was only a matter of time. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And there was no limitation 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 based on age or gender or race[br]or even appropriate time period. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was sure that I was[br]actually going to experience 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 what it felt like to be a leader[br]of the civil rights movement, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 or a ten-year-old boy living on a farm[br]during the dust bowl. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 or an emperor[br]of the Tang dynasty in China. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 My mom says that when people asked me[br]what I wanted to be when I grew up, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 my typical response was[br]princess, ballerina, astronaut, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and what she doesn't understand is that 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I wasn't trying to invent[br]some combined super-profession.[br] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was listing things I thought[br]I was going to get to be, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 a princess and a ballerina[br]and an astronaut. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I'm pretty sure the list[br]probably went on from there -- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I usually just got cut off. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It was never a question of if[br]I was going to get to do something, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 so much as a question of when. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I was sure[br]that if I was going to do everything 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that it probably meant[br]that I had to move pretty quickly 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 because there was a lot of stuff [br]I needed to do. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So my life was constantly[br]in a state of rushing. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I was always scared[br]that I was falling behind, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and since I grew up in New York City,[br]as far as I could tell, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 rushing was pretty normal. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But as I grew up,[br]I had this sinking realization 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that I wasn't going to get to live[br]any more than one life. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I only knew what it felt like[br]to be a teenaged girl in New York City, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 not a teenage boy in New Zealand,[br]not a prom queen in Kansas. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I only got to see through my lens,[br]and it was around this time 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I became obsessed with stories[br]because it was through stories 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that I was able to see[br]through someone else's lens, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 however briefly or imperfectly. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I started craving[br]hearing other people's experiences 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 because I was so jealous[br]that there were entire lives 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that I was never going to get to live 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and I wanted to hear about everything[br]that I was missing. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And by the transitive property, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I realized that some people were never[br]going to get to experience 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 what it felt like to be a teenage girl[br]in New York City -- 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 which meant that[br]they weren't going to know 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 what the subway ride[br]after your first kiss feels like 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 or how quiet it gets when it snows,[br]and I wanted them to know. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I wanted to tell them,[br]and this became the focus of my obsession. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I busied myself telling stories[br]and sharing stories and collecting them 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and it's not until recently that I realized[br]that I can't always rush poetry. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 In April, the National Poetry Month, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 there's this challenge that many poets[br]in the poetry community participate in. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And it's called the 30/30 challenge. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And the idea is, you write a new poem 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 every single day[br]for the entire month of April 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and last year,[br]I tried it for the first time 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and was thrilled by the efficiency[br]at which I was able to produce poetry. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But at the end of the month,[br]I looked back at these 30 poems 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that I had written and discovered that 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 they were all trying to tell[br]the same story, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 it had just taken me 30 tries to figure out[br]the way that it wanted to be told. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I realized that[br]this is probably true of other stories 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 on an even larger scale.[br] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I have stories[br]that I have tried to tell for years, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 re-writing and re-writing,[br]constantly searching for the right words. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 There's a French poet and essayist[br]by the name of Paul Valéry who said that 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 a poem is never finished,[br]it is only abandoned, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and this terrifies me because it implies 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that I could keep re-editing[br]and re-writing forever 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and it's up to me to decide[br]when a poem's finished 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and when I can walk away from it. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And this goes directly against[br]my very obsessive nature 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to try to find the right answer[br]and the perfect words and the right form. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And I use poetry in my life 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 as a way to help me navigate[br]and work through things 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but just because I end a poem[br]doesn't mean that I've solved 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 what it was I was puzzling through.[br] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I like to re-visit old poetry[br]because it shows me exactly 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 where I was at that moment. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 What it was I was trying to navigate[br]and the words that I chose to help me. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Now I have a story 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 that I've been stumbling over[br]for years and years, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and I'm not sure if I've found[br]the perfect form, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 or whether this is just one attempt,[br]and I will try to re-write it later 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 in search of a better way to tell it.[br]But I do know that later when I look back, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I will be able to know that[br]this is where I was at this moment. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And this is what I was trying to navigate,[br]these words, here in this room, with you. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So, smile 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It didn't always work this way. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 There was a time[br]when you had to get your hands dirty. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When you were in the dark for most of it,[br]fumbling was a given.. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 If you needed more contrast,[br]more saturation, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 darker darks and brighter brights,[br]they called it extended development. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Meant you spent longer inhaling chemicals.[br]Longer up to your wrists. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It wasn't always easy.[br]Grandpa Stuart was a navy photographer. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Young, red-faced with sleeves rolled up,[br]fists of fingers like fat rolls of coins, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 he looked like[br]Popeye the Sailor Man, come to life. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Crooked smile, tuft of chest hair, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 he showed up to World War II[br]with a smirk and a hobby. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When they asked him[br]if he knew much about photography, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 he lied, learned to read Europe like a map 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 upside down,[br]from the height of a fighter plane, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 camera snapping, eyelids flapping,[br]the darkest darks and brightest brights, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 he learned war[br]like he could read his way home. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 When other men returned,[br]they put their weapons out to rust, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but he brought the lenses[br]and the cameras home with him, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 opened a shop,[br]turned it into a family affair. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 My father was born into this world,[br]a black and white. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 His basketball hands[br]learned the tiny clicks and slides 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 of lens into frame, film into camera,[br]chemical into plastic bin, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 his father knew the equipment[br]but not the art. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He knew the darks but not the brights. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 My father learned the magic,[br]spent his time following light. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Once he traveled across the country[br]to follow a forest fire, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 hunted with his camera for a week. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Follow the light, he said.[br]Follow the light. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 There are parts of me[br]I only recognize from photographs: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the loft on Wooster Street[br]with the creaky hallways, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the 12-foot ceilings,[br]white walls and cold floors. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 This was my mother's home 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 before she was mother,[br]before she was wife, she was artist. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And the only two rooms in the house 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 with the walls that reached[br]all the way up to the ceiling 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and doors that opened and closed[br]were the bathroom and the darkroom. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The darkroom she built herself[br]with custom-made stainless steel sinks, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 an 8x10 bed enlarger that moved[br]up and down by a giant hand crank. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 A bank of color balanced lights,[br]a white glass wall for viewing prints, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 a drying rack[br]that moved in and out from the wall. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 My mother built herself a dark room.[br]Made it her home. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Fell in love with a man[br]with basketball hands, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 with the way he looked at light. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 They got married, had a baby,[br]moved to a house near a park 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but they kept the loft on Wooster Street[br]for birthday parties and treasure hunts.[br] 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The baby tipped the gray scale, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 filled her parents' photo albums[br]with red balloons and yellow icing. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 The baby grew into a girl without freckles,[br]with a crooked smile, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 who didn't understand why her friends[br]did not have dark rooms in their houses, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 who never saw her parents kiss.[br]Who never saw them hold hands. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 But one day another baby showed up,[br]this one with perfect, straight hair 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and bubble gum cheeks,[br]they named him Sweet Potato 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and when he laughed,[br]he laughed so loudly, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 he scared the pigeons on the fire escape. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And the four of them lived[br]in that house near the park: 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the girl with no freckles,[br]the Sweet Potato boy, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 the basketball father and darkroom mother. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And they lit their candles[br]and said their prayers 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and the corners of the photographs curled. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 One day, some towers fell[br]and the house near the park 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 became a house under ash, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 so they escaped in backpacks,[br]on bicycles to dark rooms, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 but the loft on Wooster Street 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 was built for an artist,[br]not a family of pigeons 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and walls that do not reach the ceiling[br]do not hold in the yelling 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and the man with the basketball hands[br]put his weapons out to rust. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 He could not fight this war[br]and no maps pointed home. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 His hands no longer fit his camera.[br]No longer fit his wife's. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 No longer fit his body. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Sweet potato boy mashed his fists[br]into his mouth 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 until he had nothing more to say. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 So this girl without freckles[br]went treasure hunting on her own. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 And on Wooster Street,[br]in the building with the creaky hallways 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 and the loft with the 12-foot ceilings[br]and the darkroom with too many sinks, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 under the color balanced lights,[br]she found a note, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 tacked to the wall with a thumbtack,[br]left over from a time before towers, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 from a time before babies,[br]and the note said, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 a guy sure loves a girl[br]who works in the dark. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 It was a year before[br]my father picked up a camera again. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 His first time out,[br]he followed the Christmas lights, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 dotting their way[br]through New York City's trees. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Tiny dots of light blinking out at him[br]from out of the darkest darks. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 A year later, he traveled[br]across the country 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 to follow a forest fire,[br]stayed for a week 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 hunting it with his camera.[br]It was ravaging the west coast, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 eating 18-wheeler trucks in its stride.[br]On the other side of the country, 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 I went to class and wrote a poem[br]in the margins of the notebook. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 We have both learned the art of capture. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Maybe we are learning[br]the art of embracing. 9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000 Maybe we are learning[br]the art of letting go.