WEBVTT 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Audience chattering.] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Good afternoon! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I am Reinaldo Garcia. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And you are the audience. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Laughter, applause.] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Okay! Um, turn off all cel phones, please. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And, we're in a residential neighborhood, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 so, no drag racing down the streets of quiet Carmel, when we leave. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The show is about an hour and 10 minutes long. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There is some harsh language in the piece, okay? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'll be taking confessionals in my booth over here, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 after the plays are over, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Audience chuckles] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 if anybody wants to unburden their hearts, okay? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So, welcome to "Dream Butchers." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Applause.] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 PLACE HOLDER 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Acoustic guitars] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Sings] You crawled across dry thorns 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and chewed cut glass. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Please come through my door, lay down on the grass. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Guitar phrase] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I don't care where you've been, in the dark side of town. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Your history might be shameful. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I will always let you in, I will never let you down. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Guitar chords] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm entertaining angels. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Acoustic guitars] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now you're down on your luck, your spirits broke. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I see your beggar's cup filled with busted hope. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let this new day begin, before the sun goes down. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'll know I served an angel. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I will always let you in, I will never let you down. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm entertaining angels. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Guitar flourish.] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Hello, stranger. Drop your things. Come on in. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There's no danger. I see the wings beneath your skin. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I am no holy man. Just a human 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 who must obey the plan for a communion. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's a mortal sin if I would renounce a man 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 whose life is painful. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I will always let you in, I will never let you down. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Because I'm entertaining you angels. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Guitar flourish.] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [End chord holds.] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Applause.] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Spoken] I played baseball in 2 different baseball leagues around town. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I also umpire, uh, baseball. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And our opening piece, "Low and Inside," 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is about a local man 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 uh, whose career, whose professional career was destroyed. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But there is a romance to baseball. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I wrote this song up in the San Jose Giants stadium. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Uh, I recommend going to Minor League baseball. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You get right up next to the players. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They are the future stars of the game. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's really exhilarating to me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So, I wrote this song, as the players were warming up. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's called "The Church of Baseball." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Cheerful acoustic guitars] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The ground crew rakes the infield, they line the batter's box with lime. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Then they spray the baselines, dust it down 'til players take the field. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The church of baseball. Warm in summer air. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The church of baseball. It's all prepared. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now the players stretch and run. Boys of summer filled with dreams. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The fan girls scream. The local boy warms up in the sun. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The church of baseball. Blesses all the minor leagues. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The church of baseball. It'll last for centuries. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Local talent sings the anthem. Out of tune loudspeakers squeal. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now the home team takes the field. Bonus babies, tall and handsome. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The church of baseball. It's a sacred space. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The church of baseball. Steal a base. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 For Willie, and Maury, Even Ricky Henderson too. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The church of baseball, It welcomes you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Guitar flourish.] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Low and Inside." [Applause.] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Announcer] I get it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Baseball is a historical game. I like to compare different things, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 compare different eras. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But how in the world, John Ruck, can you compare a guy 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 getting all these hits in Japan, and then add it up with the Majors, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and then say he truly hit came from a paper on point. You can't. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The people should know. What he has done is incredible. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 To say he has passed Pete Rose, as all time hit leader, we can't do that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Announcer voices continue.] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Hey Neal. [Drunkenly mumbles.] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Uh. Hm. Uh. [Laughs.] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Gimme a 7 & 7. And go easy on the 7-Up. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Would you turn down the -- turn the TV off? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I gotta give a reason? I been comin' here for 5, 6 years? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Because! I don't wanna see, hear, or read about baseball. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [?] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And another, por favor. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No tab tonight. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm leavin' no debts. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You remember Jason? Big, body builder type? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Yeah! With the rash down his neck. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You know any hit men? Ahh, just kidding. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I think. You remember Roosevelt? Fat guy, with a face like a badger? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He went over big time. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 R - R - Rosie? Neal. You live upstairs. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There's nobody here. Can I stay a while? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Gracias, mi amigo. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ahhh. [Exhales.] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You know me. I'm a friendly guy, right? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So does professional baseball. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It was in Marietta, Georgia. Pre-season sessions. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Director of officials tells me I've been elevated to crew chief. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Working beside of me, two guys with me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Jason Olivetti, and Roosevelt Truman. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Jason Olivetti!" I said. "Oh no. No, no." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "I heard he's a piece of work." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Rico!" he says. "You're the kind of 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 natural-born leader who can get along with anybody." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Mentor the kid." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Them's my marching orders. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Two years away from the Majors, a lifelong dream. Hmm. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Through Berman, Chatanooga, Jackson, Pensacola, Knoxville, Montgomery. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Mobile, Cogsville. Athletes! Dripping testosterone and doubt. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Adonises driven by a dream. And, there I am. Deep within it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Benevolent, dispensing justice. Witnessing brilliance. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 John Smokes. Matt Holliday. Juan Fiera. Ah! Ahh. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 A cavalcade of future stars. Passing through my station 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 on their way to immortality. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The baseball field is a timeless Eden. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And, into my crew chief's ear slithered Jason Olivetti. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Dwelling in a body stocking of a rash. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You know it even discolored his weiner? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Yes! I looked. Ahhhh. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Don't be naive, Neal. Everybody looks. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ahhh. Ehhhh. [Laughs.] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ahh. [Exhales.] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You know.... I...I...I.... 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Taking charge of a ball field was just -- almost second nature for me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was a catcher in college. Field General. I ran the pitchers. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Directed the fielders. Worked the arms. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And when I wasn't drafted, I went to umpire school. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Vero Beach, Florida. Dodger Town. Heh-heh. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ahh. Sailed right through. Through rookies. Single ed. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 By my 3rd year, I was already crew chief. Two guys under me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 In a [?] applied by the Majors. First class hotels all through the South. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ha-ha! The future World Series ump! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Tell me...tell me. How does a guy who gets along 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 with everybody, grow to hate a man? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Who the mere sight of provokes nausea and vomiting? Eh? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Jason was a -- a strapping farm boy who was seduced by big city ambition. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Prostitutes. Marijuana. Hm? Ah! I'll show you what I mean. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We checked into a hotel. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 During dinner, Jason is flirting with the waitress. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Flirting. Ha. How's about this. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Hick accent] "That was one fine meal! Mmm- mmm - mmm! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But it lacked some spice. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why don't you come up to my room later, and let me taste your pussy?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Audience groans.] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [His own voice again] Then, they were down at the front desk. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Proclaiming, bitching that his towels were not white enough. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He would weiner-wag the maid, when he came out of the shower. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Couple of times, he came back to his room to find it ransacked. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Well deserved, I'd say. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Hm? Oh, on the diamond? Okay. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Jason's behind the ditch, right? Guy gets a home run. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 As he's circling the bases, Jason picks up the bat, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and leans on it, like Mister Peanut leaning on his cane. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Right on home plate! Hmm?! Ahh. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No, he never smoked it in the van. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It was just the idea of driving through the South, with my protege, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 holding grass -- terrified me! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No. Nooo, no. I could never report him. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You have no idea what it would do to my reputation. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Laughs] And his taste in music. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We had -- we had a rule. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The guy behind the wheel chooses the tunes. Hmm? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Jason wouldn't be out -- we wouldn't be out of the parking lot, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the hotel parking lot, not 5 minutes. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Jason slides in his 'Greatest Hits of the '70s' CD. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Afternoon Delight." "Summer Breeze." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Da-da-da da-da-da 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Blowin' through the jasmine of my mind." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "One Toke Over the Line." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 From Mobile to Jackson! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Jason is the reason I drink these 7 & 7s. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 This official beverage of choice. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I, I enjoyed them, to -- to establish rapport. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Roosevelt, too. Drank in the back seat. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Tapping away at his [bleep]ing iPhone. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Watching porn. Aiming the camera at the front seat. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Making what he calls his 'POV dramalogue.' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ahhh. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Okay. So. So! So. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We are in 'bama now. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The Barons pitted against their arch-rivals, Huntsville Stars. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Battling for the title. Two games left. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Two games, and Jason is out of my life! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Yeah. The Barons, and the Stars. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Huge rivals. Mutual hate. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It all comes down to two outs, bottom of the 9th, bases loaded. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Barons down 3. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 22 year old defector Cuban. 22 year old Cuba defector Oscar Morales 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is a 5'2" phenom. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Already, he has tripled, and stolen home. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, he slides to the plate, with a hit on the line. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Huntsville pitcher launches a fast ball. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Inside and low. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ball one. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The catcher -- the wisecracking, Polack misfit 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Anje Prozinski, asks for a clean one. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Gimme a ball you can see." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Hm? Of course! I tossed him! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The guy turns on me. Huntsville keeper leaps out of the dugout, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 restraining Prozinski with one hand, and screaming for an explanation. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "I dunno what the guy said." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "You're not allowed to argue balls and strikes. You know that." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The manager looks at this catcher. Says, "you say that?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Yeah. Hey. If Blue-Hair grew an eye, he'd be a Cyclops." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Huntsville manager nearly breaks his ribs, he's laughing so hard. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The fans are going ape-shit. The pitcher comes in to the ditch. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Jason and Roosevelt run up to restore order. Hmm. Ugghhh. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm coming to it. Gimme a sec. Wait a minute. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And then, the pitcher says, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hey, Blue. We know you're blind. We've seen your wife." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Just a minute here. I'm coming to that. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Okay. Now, back to the game. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Okay. So. The pitcher, the new pitcher delivers a rising fast ball. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Morales fouls it back, knocks off my mask. I go down to my knees. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Someone in the Stars dugout yells, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hey, Blue! Get up off your knees! You're BLOWING the game!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I go over to the Huntsville dugout. I give 'em the 'stink eye.' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That settles them down. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Next pitch, Morales slams way down the right field line. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Fouled by inches. Counts one and two. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Next pitch a slider, outside. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But Morales, already, you know, what we call a professional hitter, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 fouls off the next five pitches before taking a ball 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 millimeters over the plate. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The new catcher goes, "Hey Blue!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I go, "Ah-ah! One peep out of you, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you shower with your friend." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Guy goes, "Peep!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I swallow it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Morales fouls off the next 3 pitches too. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Eh? Good -- good hitter? You better believe it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 OK. So, now... 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So now, the Huntsville pitcher hangs a curve. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Oh-ho-ho-ho! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Morales drools. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He spins on it! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And launches the ball high into the Alabama night. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The crowd leaps as one, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 as the ball is Pensacola-bound. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Walk off Grand Slam! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [?] by a run. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Hm-hm! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Me and my crew, we have to pass 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the Visitors' dugout to exit the field. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The losing pitcher comes up behind me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hey! Lucky you don't have an ERA, Blue. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Those runs are yours!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So we have a game the next day. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No time to shower. We have to go to Jackson. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We pile into the van, Jason behind the wheel. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Sings] "Sky rockets in flight! Afternoon -- " 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Jason starts to dig in. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hey, Rico. That 2 strike call on Morales. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That was strike 3." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Jason," I said. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "That ball was so far outside, it had a hat and a coat on. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Could you turn it down a bit?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I look in the back, at Roosevelt, for some support. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Roosevelt is aiming his iPhone at us. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Another chapter in his on the road documentary. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Jason digs in deeper. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hey, Rico. You -- You Latinos 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 look out after each other, don'tcha? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What, did Morales slip you some pesos? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Huh? Huh? One gone call tips the championship. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I thought only horses slept standing up." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Alright, Jason. That's enough." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "You guys," Roosevelt says, "been goin' at it for 4 solid months. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Since opening day. Why don't you both settle it like men?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Just a minute, here. Just a minute." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Hey -- gimme another 7 and 7, huh? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Anyway -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm trying every umpire's trick to NOT listen. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 One more game left! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And then I notice. We're going in a circle. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I say "Jason, you do have the directions? Right?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And he says, Jason says, "Uh, I ran out of rolling papers." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Uh, built me a doobie out of the directions." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Up in smoke!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I said, "Jason, go straight. At the lights, turn right. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That will lead you onto highway 20 on ramp to Atlanta." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Man who doesn't know his way around a strike zone, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 giving me directions?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hmmm. Hey! Slip me some pesos, and I'll consider it." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hey Rico! Next time you're behind the dish, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 bend over. Call the game with your good eye." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Roosevelt is breaking up in the back seat. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Four solid months. You two should form a comedy team." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Ahh, getting caught in a wetback conspiracy, Roosevelt 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is no laughing matter." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hey, maybe -- maybe Rico would call a more accurate game, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 if home plate were shaped like a tortilla." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm staying cool. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Hey Rico! Yo Rico, I'm your daddy. Hitchhiked to Salinas once, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and [bleeped] your mother, in a lettuce field." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "OK. OK, listen. One more crack, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'll wreck your career." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Crack? Your mamacita's tasted like guacamole." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Whoa, you gonna take that, Rico?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "I just about had enough of you, Rico. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let's settle this like men." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Jasmine is blowing through our minds. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Jason pulls the van over, under the streetlight. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He rips open the driver's door. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Races around the back of the van. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And I've got blood in my eyes. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He yanks open the passenger door, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and before he could remove his hand, I clocked him, with a solid left to the jaw. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Jason grabs my arm, and the Oklahoma farm boy 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 slings me out, under the street light. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We are tussling like wildcats. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The guy has got 100 pounds on me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Roosevelt is filming the whole thing on his iPhone. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thirty seconds later... 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 it's over. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We get back in the van, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and pull into Jacksonville, just before dawn. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Not a word spoken the whole way. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 A week later, our little altercation 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 shows up on You Tube. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Posted anonymously." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 ESPN runs it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Jason and I are released. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Fired. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Roosevelt's on his way to the Big Show. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What am I gonna do here? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What am I gonna do. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Applause.] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Peppy guitars.] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Sings] I did not rise up from the mire 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to be cast into the lake of fire. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I am proud to be an outlaw. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What I am is plain to God. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Doesn't matter what you sacrificed. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We'll all appear before the judgment seat of Christ. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Guitars] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I did not rise up from the mire 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to be cast into the lake of fire. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Live by faith, not by sight. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 All that's mortal swallowed up by life. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So that each of us will receive 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 what is due us, wheat or chaff. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 For all the things done while in the body 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 whether good or bad. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Guitars] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The Kingdom soon will come. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Exploding with the sun. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 All my loved ones melding into one, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'cause the kingdom soon will come. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Guitar scales duo] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I did not rise up from the mire 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to be cast into the lake of fire. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I will live forever more. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 On the Armageddon shore. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Guitars] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Seven seals, Seven trumpets. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Seven vials, Seven cursed digits. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Seven dooms, Seven new things. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 For the angels. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Guitars] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I did not rise up from the mire 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to be cast into the lake of fire. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I am proud to be an outlaw. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What I am... 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 is plain...to...God. [Guitar strum] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Applause] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Screams] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Screams, panicked breathing] [Bell ringing] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You really did it this time, Harriet. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Just had to leave the fold, didn't you? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You had it all. Plenty of green grass, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 a haircut every spring. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Three swell dogs, and the friendliest shepherd 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 this side of Bo Peep. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Real friendly. Was old Harriet satisfied? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Nooo. [Bleats] [Audience laughs] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Had to leave the herd! Big tough gal, huh, Harriet? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Wolf howls] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What am I gonna do? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Wolf howls] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Wolf laughs] Alright, mutton head. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Where ya be? [Sniffs around] I knows you out here somewheres. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Hoo! All this runnin' 'round makes a fella dog-tired. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why don't I just lay these here bones up against this boulder, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and catch my breath? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Wolf sighs] Heyyy. That feels nice-like. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Wonder where my dinner ran off to? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Probably cowering behind one of these rocks. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'll catch her. And when I do! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Should I make it... mutton stew? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Or leg o' lamb, or just eat her raw? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Mutton! Ain't had no sheep for the whole month! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [?] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Whoo! Brings out the beast in me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Wolf pants] Zippedy-doo-da! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Zip! [Sheep yelps] Ah-dee-ay! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 My, oh, my! What a wonderful day! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Plenty o' moonshine headin' MY way! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Oh-ho-ho yeah-eh! Oh-ho, YEAH-eh! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Howls loudly] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Hey, what's this? A earthquake? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Wellllllll, I'll be. That you, mutton head? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ohhh! Please, Mr. Wolf. Go find someone else. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was just out munching clover... 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's enough of that, little girl. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 How many times you been warned 'bout movin' out on your own? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Look. I only eat the old, and the sick. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I got my code. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So gimme a break with the sob story, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'cause I ain't ate in a week, little girl. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Don't call me that! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I may be on the meek side, but I am not little. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Maybe I will end up in your belly. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 BUT! Not before I account for myself. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Bell rings] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Wolf laughs] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, don't that beat all! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Full moon's got in your blood too, eh little lady? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Yeah! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Wolf laughs mockingly] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Uh-oh. A fightin' back. Well I'll be darned. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ow! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Oh I didn't mean it! Oh, please don't get mad. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ow! You little moron! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Don'tcha know you could get hurt doin' that? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I dunno what's come over me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Wolf grunts and groans] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 One day I'm munching clover, and the next, I'm -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 pugilizing with canis lupus. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Pugilizin'?! Sounds weird. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Tradin' blows? Fisticuffs? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Tusslin'? Dukin' it out? Goin' ten -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Alright! Enough with the words! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You gonna make a run for it, or what? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I got important things to attend to! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 With very important wolves. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You're kidding. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Whatta ya mean? Whatta ya mean? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I tell ya, I'm in a hurry. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why, me and some friends, I -- I -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What? What's wrong? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Nothin'! Gol durn it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What? What about your friends? Is something wrong? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Full moon's got me talkin' funny. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No, no, something's wrong. I can sense it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm very attuned to the emotional manifestations 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 of my fellow beings. Something's awry. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Nothin' crunchin' your bones won't fix! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Your friends? What about your friends? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Big Shots. Every one of 'em. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Leaders of the pack! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Take me with you! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Oh, this is the adventure I've always dreamed of! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Shee-oot! What's this gol-dang world coming to? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, listen. If you don't start runnin' or fightin' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 right quick, I'm gonna get ornery. Then you'll really be sorry! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's your last chance! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let me meet 'em. I can tell 'em some 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 friendly shepherd jokes. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I got this one about an 'embraceable ewe' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 that'll put 'em in stitches. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Alright, alright, alright. I know when my leg's being pulled. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, look. If I brought you back with me, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 well, I'd get laughed out of the pack. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You're afraid to be alone? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Big stud wolf, afraid to be alone? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Can't face up to his own reflection in the watering hole? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I am alone! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I ain't got no friends, OK? Ya happy now? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was kicked out for in -- uh -- in -- uh -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 infedulity! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Infidelity? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Yep. She's not my woman. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 All wolves in the wild are women, usually. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But, when the pups came along, it was bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The good times stopped, and one thing led to another, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and one night, I raised a ruckus with one of the younger ones. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Got thrown out on my ear. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You're an outsider. A 'lone wolf.' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 As lonely as they come. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Oh, I get it! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Tryin' to get on my good side, with sympathy, aren't ya? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Hey, I'm onto you, sweetheart! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You gotta get up pretty early in the mornin' to fool Lupe. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 darn, I told ya my name! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why'd I go and tell you my name? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Guadalupe? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No, Loopy. Like.... 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Hi. I'm Harriet. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And you're an outlaw. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 A savage desert denizen, traveling fast -- traveling light. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Exacting and giving no quarter. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Content to let the buffalo chips fall where they may. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Taking as it comes, day by day. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Your only friend: your wily wolf wit. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I've always admired your kind, Loopy! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why, in my younger years, I rather fancied myself a black sheep. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Sort of a...maverick in mohair? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Marching to the tinkle of my own bell? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'Til one day it all went grey, and I settled in. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You told me YOUR name?! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why'd you have to go and tell me YOUR name?! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [?] ain't got no name. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Vulture caws] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's that?! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What's what? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Vulture caws] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That noise! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Oh, THAT noise. Just -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Vulture caws] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 a garden variety turkey vulture. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Don't be scared. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Vulture caws] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They've never attacked anything alive. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No he waits in line, all polite-like, 'til 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the original killers have had our fill. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Then, after I slink off, and let the stomach do its job, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 on the FRESH meat -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Vulture caws] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 them vultures fill their entrails on the carcass. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Only when the stench of the rotten flesh will make a horse fly puke 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 does your vulture move in. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 See? Everybody's got his way of doin' things. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Relaaaaax. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That vulture don't concern you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 YET. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Loopy? I love you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Love? LOVE?! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Come on, girl! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's just your way of saying you think you're better than me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's not true! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You have many -- fine qualities. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Courageous hunter? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Intrepid explorer? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Rugged individualist? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Hmm -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The frontier spirit incarnate. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why, with -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 with just a few lessons in philosophy, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 in etiquette, in personal hygiene -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I think it -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [GROWLS ANGRILY] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 No, hy-GIENE. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Cleanliness? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's next to Godliness? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Except for you, it's next to impossible. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Wolf growls] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Anyway! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's just a few lessons -- in rhetoric, in elocution. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And a dash -- just a teensy dash -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 of political analysis thrown in. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Incisive, five week -- 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Alright! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Listen, fleece bag. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 My empty stomach says tea time is over. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let's cut the chit chat, and proceed to the heart of the menu. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Move! Make a run for it, before I lose my temper 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and get VIOLENT! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I've been outfoxed. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I can run no more. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm big enough to admit to your superiority 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 in the scheme of things. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Crush these feeble limbs in your bear-trap jaws. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Better that, than to grow flabby in some meadow. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Do me this favor. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Son of a...buzzard. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Please! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 End my squalid existence. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Make wolf-flesh of my marrow. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Gorge on me, that I may be transformed. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But! What's in it for you? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Immediate gratification? And then what? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Inside of a week, you'll be on the prowl again. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 A pathetic slobbering beast with only one thing on its tiny mind. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Enslaved by a hunger which has no end. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 All I wanted was a square meal. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ohhhh. Loopy, I love you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I want to help you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The only way you could help me would be by committin' suicide 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and servin' yourself upon a platter! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Loopy, I know things. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 All those years in the sweet and boring clover, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I was thinking! Watching the sun rise, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and set, sniffing the blue air. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Seeing the stars at night. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Feeling the change of the seasons. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 White winters huddled in the barn. Green springtime. Blazing summer. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Smoky autumn. All the while, I'm thinking. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I started wondering why everything is the way it is. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And, the more I wondered why the less I saw the majesty around me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But I couldn't stop the wondering! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 One day, as the little ones were led off to the blade, it hit me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It hit ya? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The reason for everything! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Huh? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why we're here. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why these rocks are hard and still warm, even as moonshine 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 coats them in silver. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why meadow grass is green and slick. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why rain and snow make rivers. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why wolves love mutton? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why wolves love mutton. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And why you won't eat me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I won't? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Nope! You won't. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But -- if I eat you, wouldn't I automatically know these things? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I hear flatworms do that way. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 One of the elders of the pack were tellin' us about a "experiment" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 he heard about. Seems that some flatworms were trained to 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 wiggle through a maze, to get some food. Then, they was ground up into 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 tiny chunks of meat, and fed to some baby flatworms. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 First thing ya know, them babies is negotiatin' that maze 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 like they was born to it. One generation feedin' the next. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So I was wonderin' -- if I eat you, [Harriet yelps] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 won't I know these things? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Harriet laughs uneasily] Sorry. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You're a wolf, and I'm a sheep. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I will not allow the blow to your self-esteem, of comparing yourself 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to a mere [scientific word for flatworm.] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Loopy! We're not worms. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Okay! So why we here? And why do wolves love mutton? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I don't know that you're sophisticated enough 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to understand that just yet. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 That's enough! I have sat through your tales too long! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 My guts are howlin' louder than Uncle Louie at the last eclipse. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I know why there are eclipses! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I don't give a hoot why! [Whooshing sound] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Wolf whimpers] What was that?! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I know why the stars are faaaaallllliiiiinnnnng! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why?! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why, I'd need at least a week to explain it to you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Oh, you're stallin'! [Thunder sounds] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Wolf whimpers] [Sheep snickers] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Wolf] What's goin' on? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Sheep yelps] Oooh! Stop! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Move no closer! Just...keep...pursuing me... 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 hungry. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Keep your beautiful savagery. May your jaws always drip. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Desire is a beautiful thing, Loopy. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Eat me now, and you'll be hungry tomorrow, with no one to talk to. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Keep me alive, and you can want me forever. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Oh, Loopy, we can do it. Let's be friends! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I -- I -- am hungry. I ache. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You are pink and tender. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 My fur bristles. I drool. I eat! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You'll stay as you are, forever wolf. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let me civilize you! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Wolf grunts] My body howls for you! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What of the heavens, dear wolf? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Whooshing sound] [Distant thunder] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You won't distract me with your talkin'. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 So, you [?] Enough! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Run! Fight! Howl for yourself. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You ask alien things. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Why not entreat these rocks to sing? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You're a cunning one, and a coward. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Sheep gasps] A thirst slaked by a coward's blood 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 would leave you parched, yes? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Wolf] You're not worth it! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Not worth it?! I offer you eternal desire! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Friendship! [Exhales] Big tough wolf. [Bell rings] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'll beat you, old Loopy. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You don't wanna be my friend. [Bell rings] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You just wanna save your skin. Make a fool out of me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Bell rings] I got news for ya. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You can walk a mile in my shoes, and never fill my boots. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Oh, so sorry, Loopster. Takes guts to be my pal. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You just ain't got what it takes. Call me what you want: 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Howl at the sun and call it the moon if it makes you feel any better! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Sheep chokes, bell rings] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Wolf howls loudly] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Wolf laughs, bell rings] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Your move...PAL. [Wolf laughs] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Vulture caws] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Applause] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Acoustic guitar bridge] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Phrase repeats] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I let out a primal scream all the neighbors heard. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I woke them up from their dreams while their children stirred. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I released a primal scream ripped out from my core. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 All the slaughter I had seen, I couldn't hold it any more. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They look at me funny, intrigued by what they see 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 though my smile is sunny when I pass by their children's feet. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Guitar phrase] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I ripped out a primal scream through the neighborhood. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I did not do anything like a neighbor should. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I got a hold of primal screams, sent lightning through the air. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I'm better now than I do seem. They don't really care. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Guitar flourish] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They look at me funny, intrigued by what they see 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 though my smile is sunny when I pass by their children's feet. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Guitar phrase] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I let out a primal scream all the neighbors heard. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I woke them up from their dream while their children stirred. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I released a primal scream ripped out from my core. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 All the slaughter I have seen I couldn't hold it any more. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Guitar flourish] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Guitar phrase] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Christopher Lopez. All the way from Greenfield California. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Applause] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Placeholder] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Who can shave an egg? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Irish accent] You were born into a raw deal. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It's not the detail. Two decades' worth of therapy. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Chalk it up to life on earth. Everybody pays. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We're responsible for investing our lives with meaning. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You make vengeance your god, saieth you, you who are. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You can't hide an eel in a sack. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The man deserves what he got, huh? He was fat. Jabba the Hut rotund. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He lied in court. He suborned perjury. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Then got a restrainin' order. They took away your gun. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Well, ya had some new songs. Ya found a studio in the Yellow Pages. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 This was when digital was replacing analog. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He lied to you, that his Roland 680 was state of the art. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You later learned it was only fit for home demos. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He set up the studio in his home rec room. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He said he'd back up each day's work. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 After three months in the Pac Man studio, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 he erased an instrumental track. He made a big show of 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 punchin' buttons, and he swiveled around, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and said he couldn't find it in his backup files. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There were no backup files. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You decided to mix everything as fast as possible, then get out 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 if other bits turned up missing. You extracted what you could, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and sent the Pac Man a [?] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Prompted by his attorney, he asked the Judge, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Why, if he was so incompetent, you spent 3 months in his studio?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Well, you replied that you recorded all the material 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 before you missed it. And so you didn't [?] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 until much later. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The fat man brought in a psychiatrist. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [German accent] "For analyze your lyrics. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And to testify that someone as sick as you should never 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 have been allowed into the fat man's home." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Irish accent] You printed up 2 dozen flyers, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 advertising the fat man's address as a recording studio 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 with an absurdly low hourly rate. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Wearin' surgical gloves, ya papered the black sections of Seaside. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Next ya heard, a crackhead shot him in a home invasion. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It is hard for an empty bag to sit upright. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She...was...an actress. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 A refugee from Hollywood's enervatin' rituals. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Workin' in a nearby record shop. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 By now, CDs were on their way out, and only connoisseurs purchased vinyl. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Some afternoons, you had her all to yourself. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 When she mentioned her husband in passing, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you remarked that she wore no ring. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "That's because I might be cast as an unmarried woman," she said. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "I can't even risk an indentation on my finger." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Oh-ho! The sacrifices we make for art. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You reason that such a blemish would not be visible at all on stage. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You concluded that, consciously or not, the real blemish on her life 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 was her marriage. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, actresses are always ready to talk about themselves. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It was therefore easy to learn that her husband was 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 4 years younger than she, and somethin' of a psychological basket case. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Takin' a break from his video games, Chubby Hubby wandered in one foggy day, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 sayin' he needed her email password. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Pullin' him by his elbow into the British Invasion aisle, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 she told him no. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Though you tried invisibility, Chubby Hubby judged you 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to have witnessed his emasculation. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Glarin' at ya from below the brim of his skull and bones festooned cap, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the would-be cuckold said, sotto-voce, "So. Who's the music lover?" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Call me Seattle Grant," you said, extending your hand 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 as he lumbered past ya into misty Pacific Grove. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [?] wife, busy herself, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 put Jerry and the Pacemakers' Greatest Hits. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 To cut down an oak, and set up a strawberry. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 With her permission, you use them as a model, as would a painter. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Except you spent no time together. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You enrolled her as a concubine in your imaginary harem. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You were a kind and generous Sultan. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 On your wedding night, you excused her lack of virginity, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 having suffered years of phallic intrusion by Chubby Hubby. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She wept. You consoled her 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 by composing the first of dozens of adorational ballads to your muse. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 As time passed, you'd enter the used record store, and 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 covertly examine her face, her neck, and her arms, for bruises 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 or lacerations left by your un[?] surrogate. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She always passed inspection, but you were certain he abused her. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 As your fantasy wife, she accompanied you to Majorca, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and other Mediterranean destinations. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ooh, there was a menage a trois in Ibiza. An orgy in Algiers. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She confessed that her pre-coital fantasies of Arab men were not being met. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ya Googled her, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and accumulated an incremental biography. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 B. A. in Theater, some knockabout years in Hollywood, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 before she followed a National Guardsman to Ford Ord. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Nuptials were soon ruptured by shock and awe. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The war, not the wedding night. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Chubby Hubby forged a discharge, and they settled in Pacific Grove. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She supported her 'acting habit' at the record store, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 while Chubby Hubby "looked for a job." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You confess. You smell the discord. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "I'm plottin' to liberate her from the slacker." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You casually handed her recordings of your latest songs. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Sighting the odd article on adultery, you don the surgical gloves, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 clip it out, and mail it anonymously to her. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You concur. You inquire after his well-being, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 as she stuffed used CDs in a bag, and received your cash. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 One day, you grazed her palm with your guitarists' lengthy fingernails. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She pretended not to notice. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Undone, as a man would undo an oyster. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She was the product of Manifest Destiny and genocide. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The rape of the New World by the Old. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Immune to the fallacy of white liberal guilt, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you prized her hybrid charms. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The shiny, raven, Native American hair 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 curled by old English blood into a frizzy electric storm. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Her alien almond eyes. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The cafe-au-lait skin, smooth as porcelain. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Local theater stretched her thespian talent in all the wrong ways. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Each company trumpeted its speakin' of truth to power 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 all of 'em bleatin' to the leftist choir. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Cuttin' edge exposes of Joe McCarthy. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 50 years too late. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Investigations of racism and homophobia 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 as though penned by the Soviet Central Committee 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 for Cultural Enlightenment, circa 1968. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You venture to a staged reading of a George Bernard Shaw trifle, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 a two-hander exposin' early 20th century British attitudes toward 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 matrimony, which the program promised would 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "Blow the roof off the patriarchy." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Fearful you'll emit a tell-tale snore, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you dozed off anyway. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You waited in the empty lobby, its walls festooned with 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 curlin' photos of Robinson Jeffers and friends. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Chubby Hubby was absent. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She strolled from the dressin' room, thanked ya for comin', 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and then, she embraced you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Months later, just to kick yourself for having stiffened, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 no, not the adolescent kind of stiffened. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You tensed, panicked, you lacked the necessary languor. Blew it. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You -- you tried deciphering her intent. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But the green silk sleeves enveloped ya. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Was this a 'theater people' greeting? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 A drownin' woman graspin' for a life saver? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 A friendly hug? A sign? An...invitation? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Blushin', you withdrew, prayin' she wouldn't ask you 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 your opinion of the piece. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She asked. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You abated. "You do a great English accent!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 As you walked her to her Ferrari-red Toyota sedan with the Oregon plates, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 your eyes downward, you spied her sandaled feet. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 While most are calloused, grotesquely malformed, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 hers were something Seraphic. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Her toes were neither prehensile nor stubby. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The neatly trimmed nails boasted no lurid lacquer. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 It was as though a cherub had fallen from a Michelangelo ceilin' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and was stridin' across the shady dappled gravel, with you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Thirty seconds to her car, half a minute. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Twenty eternities. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But your breath caught in your throat. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 As she slid the key into the vaginal door slot, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 ...SLOT... 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 she tilted her head. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Tightened the corner of her mouth in a way that hinted at a worldly cunning. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 A human touch she'd never permitted herself, while on duty at the store. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You ask an elm tree for pears. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Always careful to inquire about the Chubby Hubby, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you were shocked, one morning, to hear he moved back 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to his parents' Las Vegas home, after she served him with divorce papers. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Had we not been alone, you doubt her Titanic ventilatin' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 would've been any less ferocious. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Among the highlights? Ooh. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "I sneaked pulverized sleeping pills into his food, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and he'd still force himself on me at night." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "He confessed to Photoshopping my head on porno women, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and sending them out to his friends." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "He said I had cottage cheese thighs." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "He wanted to watch me make love to another man." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Hm! I confess, my eyebrows arched. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "He admitted to mailing himself, anonymously, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 articles about adultery from women's magazines." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "I admit, I'd been hoping he'd commit some heinous deed so I could 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 divorce him, but this drunken dumpling made me wanna kill him!" 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He finished with: "Every day, I contemplate suicide. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 If you knew why, you'd want me dead too." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 He finished with the most insightful thing anyone's ever said to me. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 "You want God in your life, but you don't wanna admit your sister's right." 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Through it all, with the exception of the voyeurism-cum-cuckold confession, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you maintained your disinterested demeanor. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We are told women do not seek advice, only an open set of ears. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But information is power, and you felt omnipotent. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You shall ride an inch behind the tail. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Divorce affects women in different ways. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Over the ensuing weeks, as she settled into a rented house 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 with girlfriends, you saw her grow more...interested? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Her hair, once pulled into a scalp-stretching bun, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 fell free and frizzy. Granny glasses replaced with contact lenses. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The, uh, matrimonial buttocks shrank. But she remained a tad heavy in the thigh. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You imagined her entering a lesbian phase. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 What better way to repudiate the demeanin' world of testosterone? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Than to anchor a while in the safe, Sapphic harbor? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 But, with her pillow talk, comparin' male outrages, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 an investigator turns outward again. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Seeking a man. This man. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The day she sold you the hard to find "David Bowie BBC Theater London, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 June 17th 2000," oh-ho! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And, you noted the contact lenses and the come-hither eyeliner. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Was the day you slapped a Global Positioning Device 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 in her Toyota's chassis. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Your confessed rapists shivered as you violated her car's backside. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 My Bastilion has been struck by lightning. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 One Sunday mornin', you detect her Toyota headin' east 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 on Carmel Valley Road. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Though Sundays are usually reserved for leadin' your grandson's 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Sunday School class, ya beg off, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and end up in a trailhead above the Arroyo Seco River. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ya park your blue Jeep alongside the Ferrari-red sedan, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 grab your military-style binoculars, and like Daniel Day-Lewis' Hawkeye, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 ya follow a gaggle of Nike footprints into the Vantana wilderness. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Your prints are fresh in the settled dust, and appear to belong to 4 females. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You press onward, pausin' when two birdwatchers, sightin' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 your binoculars danglin' by their cord around your neck, arrest our progress 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 bleatin' about a red-winged blackbird they saw around the next bend. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You up the ante, with a bogus report of a ginormous condor 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 perched in a skeletal tree. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 They hurry on, and you advance toward your destiny. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Hearin' rushin' water in the distance, you attune your hearin' 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 to the frequency used by giddy girls, as they frolic in emerald pools. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Ya leave the trail, and clamber upward, through the still, dewy chaparral. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The sweet ambiance of a bay laurel grove camouflages ya, as you emerge 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 over the north-facin' ridge. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 There! There...they...are! 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Four sirens. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Divin' and twistin' like otters in Eden. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 River maidens out of Wagner. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 One of 'em, not your long-sought goddess, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 brazenly topless. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She's darin' the others beyond the au naturel frontier. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 First, one. Then, another. Then...another. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Bare their 30-somethin' breasts. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 With you seekin' the lone holdout. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You withdraw the befogged lenses from your perspirin' face, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and whisper a prayer to the Lord of the Underworld. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Prayer answered. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 She relents. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You visually caress the ivory, pink-tipped white buds. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 And decide -- Is it really a decision, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 or some genetically-determined urge? 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Well, at any rate, you crawl on your belly from boulder to boulder, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 glancin' water-ward when you can. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Now, the naughty group leader has shed her bikini bottom. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Up ahead, you spy a perfect perch, not 50 yards ahead as the condor flies, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 above the pool. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Slitherin' through the [?], you reach over, down a branch, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 and feel a sting in your wrist, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 just as the tell-tale rattle spits its warning. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Your right arm goes numb, as mad venom speeds toward your dark heart. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 You wanna cry out to the now nude quartet, but 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 the split-second of shame earns your silence. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 The sky spins. As it goes black, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 you feel the earth split open, as you tumble downward. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Enjoy your stay. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 We've, uh, supplied a never-ending soundtrack. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Pensive piano.] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Sings] Let me look at you, before the lines appear. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let me look at you, in the slanting light. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let me look at you, as day slides into night. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Into night. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I just want to look at you. Oh, please. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let me look at you. See what my eyes discover 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'til you go back to your lover. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Violins] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let me look at you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let me look at you while the hours disappear. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let me look at you in another man's home. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let me look at you until it's time to go. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Until it's time to go. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I just want to look at you. Oh, please. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let me look at you. See what my eyes discover 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 'til you go back to your lover. Let me look at you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Though I know you do not want me any more, 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 when I look at you, my spirit soars. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let me look at you, and thrill me to the core. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let me look at you, and see your heart stop. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let me look at you until I get enough. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Until I get enough. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I will worship your beautiful suntanned feet 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 cradled by your summer leather sandals. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let me look into your alien almond eyes. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let me look at you by this glowing candle. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let me look at you like a seagoing vandal. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 To hell with scandal. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 I just want to look at you. Oh please, let me look at you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 See what my eyes discover, 'til you go back to your lover. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Let me look at you. Let me look at you. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 Oh-ohhh-ohhhhh. 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Sad violin] 99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999 [Applause]