Thank you. You know Ladies and Gentleman. As we all know there is a big mess going on in the Middle East right now

When it comes to the terrorists most of us don't understand their extremist views and beliefs

and i got to thinking the other day... how would it be just to sit down and talk to one of those guys

We have that very opportunity tonight. Please help me welcome Achmed The Dead Terrorist

Good evening Achmed.

Good Evening... infidel

So you're a terrorist?

Yes I am a terrorist.

What kind of terrorist?

A terrifying terrorist... are you scared?

Not really no.

Arghhhh ... and now?

Not really no

(Achmed Roars)How about now?

No.

God Dammit. Oh .. I mean ah Allah dammit.

Silence! I kill you!

So Achmed...

No it's Accchmed.

That's what I said.

No you said Achmed. Not it's Achmed.. chchch... Silence I kill you.

How do you spell it?

What?

How do you spell your name?

Oh let's see... A...C... flem

Silence, I kill you!

So Achmed if you are a terrorist I would suppose you have some sort of special specialty?

Yes. I am a suicide bomber.

Ah!

So you're finished.

What?

You've done your job.

No I haven't!

But your dead.

No I'm not. I feel fine.

But you're all bone.

It's a flesh wound.

(Audience laughs) Silence, I kill you.

What the hell happened to my feet? Son of a bitch- what happened? What the hell

Stop touching me!!! I kill you

Ok hold on we'll fix this

Ok Wait. What are you doing? Holy crap I'm in the air. Wait. Wait. Wait. Something is backwards.

I need some ligaments.

Just sit still.

OK I will not move my ass.

(voice coming from box next to him) "You idiot you don't have an ass!"

Is that Walter?

Yes

He scares the crap out of me.Please do not put me back in the same suitcase.

Why?

He has gas...Saddam's mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fart. (laughing coming from the box)

It's not funny. He'll kill us.

Now listen Achmed, I have something to tell you.

What?

You really are dead.

Are you sure?

Yes.

I just got my flu shot.

You really are dead.

What if I'm dead that means I get my 72 virgins. Are you my virgins? I hope not!

Why?

There's a bunch of ugly ass guys out there. If this is paradise I've been screwed.

Well did they say it would only be female virgins?

Holy crap.

Wait I could have Clay Aiken. (Laughs)

I told a joke.

So listen Achmed- where did you come from?

Your freakin' suitcase (laughs). I told another one.

Listen if you've been in my suitcase all this time, how have you been getting through security at the airports?

That's easy. They open the case and I go - helloooooo - I am Lindsay Lohan.

I told another joke. I can do this crap too. Ok here's another one.

Two Jews walk into a bar

No, No, No.

What you don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard.

What I mean is I don't want racist jokes in my act.

Ok. How about if I kill the Jews?

No

I am kidding. I would not kill the Jews. No. I would toss a penny between then and watch them fight till the death.

Laughs. Yes. Yes. I did the same thing with two Catholic priests and I tossed in a small boy.

Yes. Yes. And the winner had to fight Michael Jackson.

Achmed, stop doing this. You can't tell jokes like that.

Why Not? I'm killing so to speak.

You can't tell jokes like that.

Why?

It offends people.

Oh, I'm dead- what do I care. What do you want me to do? Knock Knock jokes.

Well it would be better

Ok. Knock Knock

Me. I kill you.

So look as a suicide bomber have you had training?

Of course we had the suicide bomber training camp.

is it a nice facility?

It use to be.

What happened?

New guy. The idiot tried to practice.

What did you guys learn from that?

Location, location, location

So you guys have any kind of motto?

Like what>

Like we're looking for a few good men.

We're looking for some idiots with no future.

So where do you get your recruits?

The suicide hotline.

That was dark was it not?

So what exactly happened to you?

Oh if you must know I am a horrible suicide bomber...

What happened?

I had a premature detonation. I set the timer for thirty minutes but it went off in 4 seconds... you know what that's like right?

Mr. Hurricane

(laughter comes from box)

So Achmed what exactly happened to you?

Well, I was getting gasoline and I answered my cell phone. "Can you hear me .. (explosion)."

At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes.

That's too bad.

It's OK. I took that Verizon bastard with me.

So um what's it like to die? Do you see a white light?

If your dumb enough to watch the explosion. Yes.

No some people say when they die they see a white light. What did you see?

I saw flying car parts.

What was the last thing that went through your mind?

My ass. (laughs) Walter told me to tell that joke.

So you never saw a white light.

No but I saw a blue Prius. Do you really have one of those vehicles (laughs). Oh that is not a car- that is a lunch box.

Did you know if your going down the highway in a Prius if you put your hand out the window the vehicle will turn

You did all this for a bunch of virgins?

Are you kidding me- I'd kill you for a Klondike bar

So I guess your Muslim?

I don't think so.

Why?

Look on my ass- it says made in China. Walter says I'm just a stinking Halloween decoration

So do you like being in DC?

I think some idiots must live here.

Why?

For example, the Washington monument looks nothing like the guy. It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton.

What do you think of Bush?

Oh I love bush.. oh you mean the President

And that's Achmed the Dead Terrorist