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Thank you. You know Ladies and Gentleman. As we all know there is a big mess going on in the Middle East right now

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When it comes to the terrorists most of us don't understand their extremist views and beliefs

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and i got to thinking the other day... how would it be just to sit down and talk to one of those guys

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We have that very opportunity tonight. Please help me welcome Achmed The Dead Terrorist

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Good evening Achmed.

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Good Evening... infidel

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So you're a terrorist?

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Yes I am a terrorist.

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What kind of terrorist?

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A terrifying terrorist... are you scared?

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Not really no.

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Arghhhh ... and now?

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Not really no

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(Achmed Roars)How about now?

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No.

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God Dammit. Oh .. I mean ah Allah dammit.

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Silence! I kill you!

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So Achmed...

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No it's Accchmed.

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That's what I said.

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No you said Achmed. Not it's Achmed.. chchch... Silence I kill you.

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How do you spell it?

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What?

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How do you spell your name?

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Oh let's see... A...C... flem

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Silence, I kill you!

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So Achmed if you are a terrorist I would suppose you have some sort of special specialty?

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Yes. I am a suicide bomber.

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Ah!

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So you're finished.

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What?

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You've done your job.

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No I haven't!

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But your dead.

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No I'm not. I feel fine.

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But you're all bone.

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It's a flesh wound.

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(Audience laughs) Silence, I kill you.

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What the hell happened to my feet? Son of a bitch- what happened? What the hell

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Stop touching me!!! I kill you

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Ok hold on we'll fix this

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Ok Wait. What are you doing? Holy crap I'm in the air. Wait. Wait. Wait. Something is backwards.

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I need some ligaments.

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Just sit still.

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OK I will not move my ass.

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(voice coming from box next to him) "You idiot you don't have an ass!"

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Is that Walter?

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Yes

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He scares the crap out of me.Please do not put me back in the same suitcase.

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Why?

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He has gas...Saddam's mustard gas was nothing compared to a Walter fart. (laughing coming from the box)

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It's not funny. He'll kill us.

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Now listen Achmed, I have something to tell you.

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What?

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You really are dead.

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Are you sure?

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Yes.

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I just got my flu shot.

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You really are dead.

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What if I'm dead that means I get my 72 virgins. Are you my virgins? I hope not!

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Why?

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There's a bunch of ugly ass guys out there. If this is paradise I've been screwed.

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Well did they say it would only be female virgins?

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Holy crap.

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Wait I could have Clay Aiken. (Laughs)

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I told a joke.

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So listen Achmed- where did you come from?

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Your freakin' suitcase (laughs). I told another one.

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Listen if you've been in my suitcase all this time, how have you been getting through security at the airports?

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That's easy. They open the case and I go - helloooooo - I am Lindsay Lohan.

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I told another joke. I can do this crap too. Ok here's another one.

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Two Jews walk into a bar

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No, No, No.

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What you don't let Jews in your bar? You racist bastard.

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What I mean is I don't want racist jokes in my act.

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Ok. How about if I kill the Jews?

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No

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I am kidding. I would not kill the Jews. No. I would toss a penny between then and watch them fight till the death.

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Laughs. Yes. Yes. I did the same thing with two Catholic priests and I tossed in a small boy.

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Yes. Yes. And the winner had to fight Michael Jackson.

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Achmed, stop doing this. You can't tell jokes like that.

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Why Not? I'm killing so to speak.

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You can't tell jokes like that.

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Why?

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It offends people.

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Oh, I'm dead- what do I care. What do you want me to do? Knock Knock jokes.

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Well it would be better

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Ok. Knock Knock

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Me. I kill you.

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So look as a suicide bomber have you had training?

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Of course we had the suicide bomber training camp.

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is it a nice facility?

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It use to be.

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What happened?

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New guy. The idiot tried to practice.

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What did you guys learn from that?

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Location, location, location

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So you guys have any kind of motto?

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Like what>

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Like we're looking for a few good men.

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We're looking for some idiots with no future.

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So where do you get your recruits?

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The suicide hotline.

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That was dark was it not?

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So what exactly happened to you?

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Oh if you must know I am a horrible suicide bomber...

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What happened?

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I had a premature detonation. I set the timer for thirty minutes but it went off in 4 seconds... you know what that's like right?

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Mr. Hurricane

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(laughter comes from box)

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So Achmed what exactly happened to you?

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Well, I was getting gasoline and I answered my cell phone. "Can you hear me .. (explosion)."

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At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes.

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That's too bad.

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It's OK. I took that Verizon bastard with me.

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So um what's it like to die? Do you see a white light?

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If your dumb enough to watch the explosion. Yes.

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No some people say when they die they see a white light. What did you see?

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I saw flying car parts.

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What was the last thing that went through your mind?

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My ass. (laughs) Walter told me to tell that joke.

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So you never saw a white light.

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No but I saw a blue Prius. Do you really have one of those vehicles (laughs). Oh that is not a car- that is a lunch box.

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Did you know if your going down the highway in a Prius if you put your hand out the window the vehicle will turn

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You did all this for a bunch of virgins?

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Are you kidding me- I'd kill you for a Klondike bar

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So I guess your Muslim?

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I don't think so.

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Why?

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Look on my ass- it says made in China. Walter says I'm just a stinking Halloween decoration

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So do you like being in DC?

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I think some idiots must live here.

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Why?

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For example, the Washington monument looks nothing like the guy. It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton.

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What do you think of Bush?

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Oh I love bush.. oh you mean the President

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And that's Achmed the Dead Terrorist