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Last year, I got a chance to watch
the new "Star Wars" movie,

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which was fantastic,

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but one thing kept bugging me.

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I don't know if you noticed this or not.

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In this entirely technically
advanced world,

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I did not see a single AED anywhere,

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which was totally shocking --

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almost as shocking
as not knowing what an AED is,

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which you guys do know.

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But for those at home,

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an AED is an automated
external defibrillator.

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It's the device you use
when your heart goes into cardiac arrest

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to shock it back into a normal rhythm,

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or, as one of the guys I was teaching
a class to referred to it as:

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"The shocky-hearty-box thing."

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(Laughter)

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But I really can't blame the Empire,

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since health and safety regulations

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aren't really their first
order of business.

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Though, even if we --

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I think worse than not having an AED
would be if there was one there,

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but just, no one knew where to find it.

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These devices can drastically increase
your chance of survival --

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almost like a tauntaun on Hoth.

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(Laughter)

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But I'm pretty sure
that stormtrooper is going to be toast,

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regardless if we have an AED or not,

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since what happens is the chest plate
is going to be quite hard to get off,

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and like that tauntaun,

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the AED has a very short window of time
at which it's highly effective.

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In this case -- basically, we've got
to use it within the first 10 minutes.

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The Jedi, on the other hand,
have no problems with their outfits.

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Those robes open straight up,

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you can place the pads
right onto the chest --

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so upper-right-hand side of the chest,

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lower left,

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wait for the unit to determine
if it's a shockable rhythm

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and get ready to shock.

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But, the Jedi do have a problem.

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They have a head appendage issue.

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And so I can be totally clear,
thinking I'm ready to go,

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but I'm accidentally touching a tentacle

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and inadvertently shocking myself.

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(Laughter)

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So before you hit that button,
make sure you are clear

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and everyone else is clear.

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Going back to that stormtrooper:

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If I did get that chest plate off in time,

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what would you do if you suddenly found
there was a Wookiee under there,

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or possibly two Ewoks?

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(Laughter)

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Well, lucky for us,

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in the kit there's actually a razor,

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and we can use that to shave the chest
on the upper right-hand side

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and the lower left.

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Wookiees also have another problem.

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They have an accessory issue.

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What we want to do is remove these --

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anything between the two pads
we want to remove,

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since it can cause
something called "arcing."

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For those who don't know what arcing is,

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do you remember the Emperor,

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when he shoots electricity
out the ends of his fingers --

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(Laughter)

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that would be kind of like arcing.

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Another thing that --

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Oh! By the way, he creates that
by wearing wool socks under his robes.

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(Laughter)

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We can also get arcing if we have
an extremely wet chest.

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The electricity travels across the surface
instead of through the heart.

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We can correct this with the immortal
words of Douglas Adams:

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"Don't panic," which most of us
have done today --

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and also always having a towel.

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So, good words to go by.

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The metal bikini -- unfortunately,
this is where panic sets in --

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like the modern bra,

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we have to make sure we remove,

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because this can cause
severe arcing along with burns.

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But unfortunately this opens up an issue

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that's almost as controversial
as talking about the prequels.

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(Laughter)

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The mere mention of the word "nipples,"

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and people get into a little
bit of a tizzy.

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By the way, that is not a nipple,
that's a cupcake.

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(Laughter)

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Chances are, if you do have to use this,

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this is going to be on someone you know.

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And remember, everyone has nipples,

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except for Jabba.

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(Laughter)

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But he does love cupcakes.

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Speaking about Jabba,

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if we do have to use an AED on him,

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remember pad placement is the same,

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even though he doesn't have nipples.

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So it's going to be
upper right-hand side, lower left.

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If we were going through, we're shocking,
getting ready to go --

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after we've done the shock,

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one of the things we need to do
is remember to do compression.

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The preferred method
is 30 compressions and two breaths

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in the center of the chest,
between the nipples,

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pressing down at least two inches,

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no more than two and a half,

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at a rate of at least 100 beats a minute,

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no more than 120.

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Unfortunately, due to the size
of Jabba's mouth

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and also what he puts in said mouth,

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we may not want to actually
do the mouth-to-mouth part.

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So instead, we can do
compression-only CPR.

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The way of remembering
the compression-only part

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is we can actually use the Imperial March.

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I would sing it for you --

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(Laughter)

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Unfortunately, that would be more
something an interrogation droid would do.

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Yoda.

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Small little guy, like a baby.

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What we do is basically
treat him like a baby,

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in the sense that we're going to place
one pad in the center of the chest

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and one in the back.

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If we place them both in the front,

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they can be too close
and cause severe arcing,

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so we want to avoid that.

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Hopefully, this helped to clarify

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and put some light
on some of the darker issues

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of using an AED in the Star Wars universe,

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or any universe in total.

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I'll leave you with one point.

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Remember, if you do find yourself
dealing with a Wookiee,

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do not shave the entire Wookiee.

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This takes way too much time,

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and it only pisses them off.

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(Laughter)

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Thank you very much.

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(Applause)