1 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So when I was eight years old, 2 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 a new girl came to join the class. 3 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 She was so impressive, 4 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 as the new girl always seems to be. 5 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 She had vast quantities of very shiny hair 6 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and a cute little pencil case, 7 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 super-strong on state capitals, 8 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 just a great speller, 9 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and I just curdled with jealousy that year, 10 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 until I hatched my devious plan. 11 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So one day I stayed a little late after school, 12 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 a little too late, and I lurked in the girl's bathroom. 13 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 When the coast was clear, I emerged, 14 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 crept into the classroom, 15 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and took from my teacher's desk the grade book. 16 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And then I did it. 17 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I fiddled with my rival's grades, 18 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 just a little, just demoted some of those A's. 19 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 all of those A's, and 20 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 -- (Laughter) -- 21 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I got ready to return the book to the drawer, 22 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 when hang on, some of my other classmates 23 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 had appallingly good grades too. 24 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 So, in a frenzy, 25 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I corrected everybody's marks, 26 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 not imaginatively, not imaginatively. 27 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I gave everybody a row of D's 28 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 and I gave myself a row of A's, 29 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 just because I was there, you know, might as well. 30 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And I am still baffled by my behavior. 31 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I don't understand where the idea came from. 32 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I don't understand why I felt so great doing it. 33 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I felt great. I felt great. 34 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I don't understand why I was never caught. 35 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I mean, it should have been so blatantly obvious. 36 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I was never caught. 37 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 But most of all, I am baffled by 38 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 why did it bother me so much 39 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 that this little girl, this tiny little girl, 40 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 was so good at spelling? 41 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Jealousy baffles me. 42 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 It's so mysterious, and it's so pervasive. 43 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 You know, we know babies suffer from jealousy. 44 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 We know primates do. Bluebirds are actually very prone. 45 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 We know that jealousy is the number one cause 46 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 of spousal murder in the United States. 47 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 And yet, I have never read a study 48 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 that can parse to me its loneliness 49 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 or its longevity or its grim thrill. 50 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 For that, we have to go to fiction, 51 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 because the novel is the lab 52 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 that has studied jealousy 53 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 in every possible configuration. 54 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 In fact, I don't know if it's an exaggeration to say 55 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 that if we didn't have jealousy, 56 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 could we even have literature. 57 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 Well no faithless Helen, no "Odyssey." 58 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 No jealous king, no "Arabian Knights." 59 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 No Shakespeare. 60 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 There goes high school reading lists, 61 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 because we're losing "Sound and the Fury," 62 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 we're losing "Gatsby," "Son Also Rises," 63 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 we're losing "Madame Bovary," "Anna K." 64 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 No jealousy, no Proust, and now, I mean, 65 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 I know it's fashionable to say that Proust 66 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 has the answers to everything, 67 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 but in the case of jealousy, in the case of jealousy 68 99:59:59,999 --> 99:59:59,999 he kind of does, he kind of does.