WEBVTT

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Hello, TED Women, what's up.

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(Cheers)

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Not good enough.

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Hello, TED Women, what is up?

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(Cheers)

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My name is Maysoon Zayid,

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and I am not drunk,

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but the doctor who delivered me was.

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He cut my mom six different times

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in six different directions,

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suffocating poor little me in the process.

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As a result, I have cerebral palsy,

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which means I shake all the time.

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Look.

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It's exhausting. I'm like Shakira, Shakira

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meets Muhammad Ali.

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(Laughter)

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C.P. is not genetic.

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It's not a birth defect. You can't catch it.

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No one put a curse on my mother's uterus,

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and I didn't get it because
my parents are first cousins,

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which they are.

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(Laughter)

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It only happens from accidents,

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like what happened to me on my birthday.

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Now, I must warn you, I'm not inspirational,

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and I don't want anyone in this room

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to feel bad for me,

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because at some point in your life,

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you have dreamt of being disabled.

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Come on a journey with me.

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It's Christmas Eve, you're at the mall,

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you're driving around in circles looking for parking,

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and what do you see?

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Sixteen empty handicapped spaces.

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And you're like, "God, can't I just be

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a little disabled?"

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(Laughter)

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Also, I gotta tell you,

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I got 99 problems, and palsy is just one.

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If there was an oppression Olympics,

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I would win the gold medal.

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I'm Palestinian, Muslim, I'm female, I'm disabled,

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and I live in New Jersey.

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(Laughter) (Applause)

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If you don't feel better about
yourself, maybe you should.

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Cliffside Park, New Jersey, is my hometown.

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I have always loved the fact

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that my hood and my affliction

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share the same initials.

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I also love the fact that if I wanted to walk

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from my house to New York City, I could.

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A lot of people with C.P. don't walk,

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but my parents didn't believe in "can't."

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My father's mantra was,

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"You can do it, yes you can can."

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(Laughter)

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So, if my three older sisters were mopping,

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I was mopping.

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If my three older sisters went to public school,

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my parents would sue the school system

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and guarantee that I went too,

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and if we didn't all get As,

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we all got my mother's slipper.

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(Laughter)

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My father taught me how I walk
when I was five years old

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by placing my heels on his feet

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and just walking.

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Another tactic that he used is he would dangle

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a dollar bill in front of me and have me chase it.

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(Laughter)

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My inner stripper was very strong, and by

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—(Laughter)—

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Yeah. No, by the first day of kindergarten,

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I was walking like a champ

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who had been punched one too many times.

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Growing up, there were only six Arabs in my town,

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and they were all my family.

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Now there are 20 Arabs in town,

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and they are still all my family. (Laughter)

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I don't think anyone even noticed we weren't Italian.

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(Laughter) (Applause)

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This was before 9/11 and before politicians

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thought it was appropriate to use "I Hate Moslems"

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as a campaign slogan.

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The people that I grew up with
had no problem with my faith.

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they did, however, seem very concerned

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that I would starve to death during Ramadan.

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I would explain to them that I have enough fat

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to live off of for three whole months,

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so fasting from sunrise to sunset is a piece of cake.

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I have tap-danced on Broadway.

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Yeah, on Broadway. It's crazy. (Applause)

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My parents couldn't afford physical therapy,

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so they sent me to dancing school.

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I learned how to dance in heels,

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which means I can walk in heels,

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and I'm from Jersey,

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and we are really concerned with being chic,

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so if my friends wore heels, so did I.

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And when my friends went and
spent their summer vacations

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on the Jersey Shore, I did not.

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I spent my summers in a war zone,

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because my parents were afraid

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that if we didn't go back to Palestine

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every single summer,

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we'd grow up to be Madonna.

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(Laughter)

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Summer vacations often consisted of

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my father trying to heal me,

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so I drank deer's milk,

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I had hot cups on my back,

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I was dunked in the Dead Sea,

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and I remember the water burning my eyes

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and thinking, "It's working! It's working!"

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(Laughter)

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But one miracle cure we did find was yoga.

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I have to tell you, it's very boring,

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but before I did yoga,

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I was a stand-up comedian who can't stand up.

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And now I can stand on my head.

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My parents reinforced this notion

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that I could do anything,

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that no dream was impossible,

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and my dream was to be

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on the daytime soap opera "General Hospital."

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I went to college during affirmative action

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and got a sweet scholarship to ASU,

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Arizona State University,

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because I fit every single quota.

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I was like the pet lemur of the theater department.

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Everybody loved me.

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I did all the less-than-intelligent kids' homework,

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I got A's in all of my classes,

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A's in all of their classes.

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Every time I did a scene

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from "The Glass Menagerie,"

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my professors would weep.

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But I never got cast.

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Finally, my senior year,

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ASU decided to do a show called

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"They Dance Real Slow In Jackson."

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It's a play about a girl with C.P.

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I was a girl with C.P.

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So I start shouting from the rooftops,

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"I'm finally going to get a part!

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I have cerebral palsy!

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Free at last! Free at last!

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Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!"

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I didn't get the part. (Laughter)

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Sherry Brown got the part.

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I went racing to the head of the theater department

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crying hysterically, like someone shot my cat,

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to ask her why,

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and she said it was because

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they didn't think I could do the stunts.

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I said, "Excuse me, if I can't do the stunts,

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neither can the character."

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(Laughter) (Applause)

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This was a part that I was literally born to play

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and they gave it, they gave it to a non-palsy actress.

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College was imitating life.

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Hollywood has a sordid history

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of casting able-bodied actors

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to play disabled onscreen.

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Upon graduating, I moved back home,

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and my first acting gig was

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as an extra on a daytime soap opera.

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My dream was coming true.

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And I knew that I would be promoted

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from "diner diner" to "wacky best friend" in no time.

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But instead, I remained a glorified piece of furniture

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that you could only recognize
from the back of my head,

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and it became clear to me

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that casting directors

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didn't hire fluffy ethnic disabled actors.

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They only hired perfect people.

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But there were exceptions to the rule.

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I grew up watching Whoopi Goldberg,

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Roseanne Barr, Ellen,

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and all of these women had one thing in common:

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they were comedians.

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So I became a comic.

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(Laughter) (Applause)

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My first gig was driving famous comics

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from New York City to shows in New Jersey,

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and I'll never forget the face of the first comic

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I ever drove when I realized

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that he was speeding down the New Jersey Turnpike

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with a chick with C.P. driving.

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I've performed in clubs all over America,

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and I've also performed in Arabic in the Middle East,

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uncensored and uncovered.

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Some people say I'm the first

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stand-up comic in the Arab World.

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I never like to claim first,

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but I do know that they never heard

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that nasty little rumor that women aren't funny,

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and they find us hysterical.

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In 2003, my brother from another mother and father

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Dean Obeidallah and I started

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the New York Arab American Comedy Festival,

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now in its 10th year.

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Our goal was to change the negative image

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of Arab-Americans in media,

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while also reminding casting directors

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that South Asian and Arab are not synonymous.

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(Laughter)

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Mainstreaming Arabs was much, much easier

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than conquering the challenge

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against the stigma against disability.

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My big break came in 2010.

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I was invited to be a guest

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on the cable news show

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"Countdown With Keith Olbermann."

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I walked in looking like I was going to the prom,

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and they shuffle me into a studio

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and seat me on a spinning rolling chair.

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So I looked at the stage manager and I'm like,

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"Excuse me, can I have another chair?"

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And she looked at me and she went,

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"Five, four, three, two..."

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And we were live, right?

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So I had to grip onto the anchor's desk

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so I wouldn't roll of the screen during the segment,

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and when the interview was over, I was livid.

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I had finally gotten my chance and I blew it,

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and I knew I would never get invited back.

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But not only did Mr. Olbermann invite me back,

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he made me a full-time contributor,

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and he taped down my chair.

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(Laughter) (Applause)

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One fun fact I learned while on the air

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with Keith Olbermann

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was that humans on the internet are scumbags.

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People say children are cruel,

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but I was never made fun of as a child or an adult.

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Suddenly, my disability on the World Wide Web

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is fair game.

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I would look at clips online

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and see comments like,

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"Yo, why's she tweakin?"

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"Yo, is she retarded?"

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And my favorite, "Poor Gumby-mouth terrorist.

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What does she suffer from?

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We should really pray for her."

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One commenter even suggested

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that I add my disability to my credits:

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screenwriter, comedian, palsy.

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Disability is as visual as race.

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If a wheelchair user can't play Beyoncé,

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then Beyoncé can't play a wheelchair user.

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The disabled are the largest—

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Yeah, clap for them, man. C'mon.

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(Applause)

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People with disabilities are the largest minority

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in the world, and we are the most underrepresented

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in entertainment.

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The doctors said that I wouldn't walk,

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but I am here in front of you.

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However, if I grew up with social media,

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I don't think I would be.

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I hope that together

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we can create more positive images

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of disability in the media and in everyday life.

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Perhaps if there were more positive images,

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it would foster less hate on the internet.

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Or maybe not.

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Maybe it still takes a village

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to teach our children well.

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My crooked journey has taken me

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to some very spectacular places.

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I got to walk the red carpet

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flanked by soap diva Susan Lucci

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and the iconic Lorraine Arbus.

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I got to act in a movie with Adam Sandler

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and work with my idol,

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the amazing Dave Matthews.

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I toured the world as a headliner

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on Arabs Gone Wild.

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I was a delegate

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representing the great state of New Jersey

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at the 2008 DNC.

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And I founded Maysoon's Kids,

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a charity that hopes

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to give Palestinian refugee children

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a sliver of the chance my parents gave me.

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But the one moment that stands out the most

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was when I got, before this moment

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— (Laughter) (Applause) —

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but the one moment that stands out the most

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was when I got to perform

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for the man who flies like a butterfly

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and stings like a bee,

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has Parkinson's and shakes just like me,

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Muhammad Ali.

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(Applause)

NOTE Paragraph

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It was the only time

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that my father ever saw me perform live,

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and I dedicate this talk to his memory.

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(Arabic)

NOTE Paragraph

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My name is Maysoon Zayid,

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and if I can can, you can can.

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(Applause)