WEBVTT

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Hello, TEDWomen, what's up.

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(Cheering)

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Not good enough.

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Hello, TEDWomen, what is up?

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(Loud cheering)

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My name is Maysoon Zayid,

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and I am not drunk,

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but the doctor who delivered me was.

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He cut my mom six different times

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in six different directions,

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suffocating poor little me in the process.

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As a result, I have cerebral palsy,

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which means I shake all the time.

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Look.

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It's exhausting.

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I'm like Shakira,
Shakira meets Muhammad Ali.

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(Laughter)

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CP is not genetic.

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It's not a birth defect.
You can't catch it.

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No one put a curse on my mother's uterus,

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and I didn't get it because
my parents are first cousins,

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which they are.

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(Laughter)

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It only happens from accidents,

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like what happened to me on my birth day.

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Now, I must warn you,

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I'm not inspirational.

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(Laughter)

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And I don't want anyone in this room
to feel bad for me,

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because at some point in your life,

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you have dreamt of being disabled.

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Come on a journey with me.

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It's Christmas Eve, you're at the mall,

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you're driving around in circles
looking for parking,

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and what do you see?

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Sixteen empty handicapped spaces.

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(Laughter)

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And you're like, "God,
can't I just be a little disabled?"

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(Laughter)

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Also, I've got to tell you,

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I've got 99 problems,
and palsy is just one.

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(Laughter)

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If there was an Oppression Olympics,

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I would win the gold medal.

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I'm Palestinian, Muslim,

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I'm female, I'm disabled,

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and I live in New Jersey.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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If you don't feel better
about yourself, maybe you should.

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(Laughter)

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Cliffside Park, New Jersey is my hometown.

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I have always loved the fact

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that my hood and my affliction
share the same initials.

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I also love the fact

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that if I wanted to walk
from my house to New York City, I could.

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A lot of people with CP don't walk,

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but my parents didn't believe in "can't."

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My father's mantra was,

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"You can do it, yes you can can."

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(Laughter)

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So, if my three older sisters
were mopping,

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I was mopping.

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If my three older sisters
went to public school,

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my parents would sue the school system

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and guarantee that I went too,

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and if we didn't all get A's,

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we all got my mother's slipper.

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(Laughter)

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My father taught me how to walk
when I was five years old

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by placing my heels on his feet

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and just walking.

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Another tactic that he used

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is he would dangle
a dollar bill in front of me

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and have me chase it.

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(Laughter)

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My inner stripper was very strong.

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(Laughter)

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Yeah.

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No, by the first day of kindergarten,

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I was walking like a champ

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who had been punched one too many times.

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(Laughter)

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Growing up, there were
only six Arabs in my town,

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and they were all my family.

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(Laughter)

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Now there are 20 Arabs in town,

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and they are still all my family.

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(Laughter)

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I don't think anyone
even noticed we weren't Italian.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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This was before 9/11

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and before politicians
thought it was appropriate

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to use "I hate Muslims"
as a campaign slogan.

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The people that I grew up with
had no problem with my faith.

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They did, however, seem very concerned

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that I would starve
to death during Ramadan.

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I would explain to them
that I have enough fat

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to live off of for three whole months,

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so fasting from sunrise
to sunset is a piece of cake.

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(Laughter)

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I have tap-danced on Broadway.

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Yeah, on Broadway. It's crazy.

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(Applause)

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My parents couldn't
afford physical therapy,

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so they sent me to dancing school.

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I learned how to dance in heels,

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which means I can walk in heels.

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And I'm from Jersey,

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and we are really concerned
with being chic,

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so if my friends wore heels, so did I.

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And when my friends went
and spent their summer vacations

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on the Jersey Shore, I did not.

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I spent my summers in a war zone,

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because my parents were afraid

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that if we didn't go back to Palestine
every single summer,

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we'd grow up to be Madonna.

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(Laughter)

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Summer vacations often consisted
of my father trying to heal me,

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so I drank deer's milk,

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I had hot cups on my back,

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I was dunked in the Dead Sea,

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and I remember the water burning my eyes

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and thinking, "It's working!
It's working!"

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(Laughter)

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But one miracle cure we did find was yoga.

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I have to tell you, it's very boring,

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but before I did yoga,

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I was a stand-up comedian
who can't stand up.

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And now I can stand on my head.

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My parents reinforced this notion

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that I could do anything,

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that no dream was impossible,

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and my dream was to be

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on the daytime soap opera
"General Hospital."

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(Laughter)

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I went to college
during affirmative action

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and got a sweet scholarship to ASU,

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Arizona State University,

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because I fit every single quota.

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(Laughter)

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I was like the pet lemur
of the theater department.

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Everybody loved me.

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I did all the less-than-intelligent
kids' homework,

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I got A's in all of my classes,

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A's in all of their classes.

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(Laughter)

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Every time I did a scene
from "The Glass Menagerie,"

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my professors would weep.

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But I never got cast.

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Finally, my senior year,

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ASU decided to do a show called
"They Dance Real Slow in Jackson."

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It's a play about a girl with CP.

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I was a girl with CP.

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So I start shouting from the rooftops,

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"I'm finally going to get a part!

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I have cerebral palsy!

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Free at last! Free at last!

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Thank God almighty, I'm free at last!"

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I didn't get the part.

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(Laughter)

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Sherry Brown got the part.

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I went racing to the head
of the theater department

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crying hysterically,
like someone shot my cat,

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to ask her why,

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and she said it was because
they didn't think I could do the stunts.

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I said, "Excuse me,
if I can't do the stunts,

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neither can the character."

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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This was a part
that I was literally born to play

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they gave it to a non-palsy actress.

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College was imitating life.

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Hollywood has a sordid history

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of casting able-bodied actors
to play disabled onscreen.

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Upon graduating, I moved back home,

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and my first acting gig
was as an extra on a daytime soap opera.

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My dream was coming true.

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And I knew that I would be promoted

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from "Diner Diner"
to "Wacky Best Friend" in no time.

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(Laughter)

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But instead, I remained
a glorified piece of furniture

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that you could only recognize
from the back of my head,

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and it became clear to me

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that casting directors

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didn't hire fluffy,
ethnic, disabled actors.

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They only hired perfect people.

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But there were exceptions to the rule.

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I grew up watching Whoopi Goldberg,

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Roseanne Barr, Ellen,

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and all of these women
had one thing in common:

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they were comedians.

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So I became a comic.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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My first gig was driving famous comics

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from New York City to shows in New Jersey,

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and I'll never forget the face
of the first comic I ever drove

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when he realized that he was speeding
down the New Jersey Turnpike

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with a chick with CP driving him.

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(Laughter)

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I've performed in clubs all over America,

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and I've also performed
in Arabic in the Middle East,

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uncensored and uncovered.

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(Laughter)

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Some people say I'm the first
stand-up comic in the Arab world.

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I never like to claim first,

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but I do know that they never heard

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that nasty little rumor
that women aren't funny,

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and they find us hysterical.

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(Laughter)

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In 2003, my brother
from another mother and father

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Dean Obeidallah and I started

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the New York Arab-American
Comedy Festival,

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now in its 10th year.

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Our goal was to change the negative image
of Arab-Americans in media,

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while also reminding casting directors

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that South Asian and Arab
are not synonymous.

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(Laughter)

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Mainstreaming Arabs was much, much easier

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than conquering the challenge
against the stigma against disability.

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My big break came in 2010.

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I was invited to be a guest
on the cable news show

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"Countdown with Keith Olbermann."

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I walked in looking
like I was going to the prom,

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and they shuffle me into a studio

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and seat me on a spinning, rolling chair.

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(Laughter)

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So I looked at the stage manager

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and I'm like, "Excuse me,
can I have another chair?"

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And she looked at me and she went,

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"Five, four, three, two ..."

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And we were live, right?

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So I had to grip onto the anchor's desk

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so that I wouldn't roll off
the screen during the segment,

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and when the interview
was over, I was livid.

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I had finally gotten
my chance and I blew it,

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and I knew I would never get invited back.

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But not only did Mr. Olbermann
invite me back,

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he made me a full-time contributor,

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and he taped down my chair.

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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One fun fact I learned while on the air
with Keith Olbermann

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was that humans
on the Internet are scumbags.

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(Laughter)

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People say children are cruel,

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but I was never made fun of
as a child or an adult.

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Suddenly, my disability
on the world wide web is fair game.

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I would look at clips online
and see comments like,

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"Yo, why's she tweakin'?"

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"Yo, is she retarded?"

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And my favorite,
"Poor Gumby-mouth terrorist.

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What does she suffer from?

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We should really pray for her."

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One commenter even suggested
that I add my disability to my credits:

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screenwriter, comedian, palsy.

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Disability is as visual as race.

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If a wheelchair user can't play Beyoncé,

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then Beyoncé can't play a wheelchair user.

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The disabled are the largest —

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Yeah, clap for that, man. Come on.

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(Applause)

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People with disabilities
are the largest minority in the world,

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and we are the most underrepresented
in entertainment.

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The doctors said that I wouldn't walk,

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but I am here in front of you.

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However, if I grew up with social media,

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I don't think I would be.

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I hope that together,

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we can create more positive images

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of disability in the media
and in everyday life.

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Perhaps if there were
more positive images,

00:12:06.363 --> 00:12:08.958
it would foster less hate on the Internet.

00:12:10.085 --> 00:12:11.261
Or maybe not.

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Maybe it still takes a village
to teach our children well.

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My crooked journey has taken me
to some very spectacular places.

00:12:20.493 --> 00:12:23.443
I got to walk the red carpet

00:12:23.467 --> 00:12:26.222
flanked by soap diva Susan Lucci

00:12:26.246 --> 00:12:28.287
and the iconic Loreen Arbus.

00:12:28.311 --> 00:12:30.948
I got to act in a movie with Adam Sandler

00:12:30.972 --> 00:12:34.959
and work with my idol,
the amazing Dave Matthews.

00:12:34.983 --> 00:12:38.509
I toured the world as a headliner
on Arabs Gone Wild.

00:12:38.533 --> 00:12:44.203
I was a delegate representing
the great state of New Jersey

00:12:44.227 --> 00:12:46.463
at the 2008 DNC.

00:12:46.487 --> 00:12:48.965
And I founded Maysoon's Kids,

00:12:48.989 --> 00:12:53.024
a charity that hopes
to give Palestinian refugee children

00:12:53.048 --> 00:12:55.580
a sliver of the chance my parents gave me.

00:12:55.972 --> 00:12:58.407
But the one moment
that stands out the most

00:12:58.431 --> 00:13:00.932
was when I got -- before this moment --

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(Laughter)

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(Applause)

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00:13:08.430 --> 00:13:11.858
But the one moment
that stands out the most

00:13:11.882 --> 00:13:13.984
was when I got to perform

00:13:14.008 --> 00:13:16.210
for the man who floats like a butterfly

00:13:16.234 --> 00:13:17.762
and stings like a bee,

00:13:17.786 --> 00:13:21.075
has Parkinson's and shakes just like me,

00:13:21.099 --> 00:13:23.332
Muhammad Ali.

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(Applause)

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(Applause ends)

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It was the only time
that my father ever saw me perform live,

00:13:36.203 --> 00:13:39.362
and I dedicate this talk to his memory.

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(Arabic) Allah yerhamak yaba.

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00:13:41.782 --> 00:13:44.202
(English) My name is Maysoon Zayid,

00:13:44.226 --> 00:13:47.413
and if I can can, you can can.

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00:13:47.437 --> 00:13:49.282
(Cheering)

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00:13:49.306 --> 00:13:53.380
(Applause)