1 00:00:12,489 --> 00:00:13,752 You know me: I'm a twitchy, 2 00:00:13,802 --> 00:00:14,693 instant-gratification kind of gamer, 3 00:00:14,693 --> 00:00:15,758 the sort who isn't happy unless 4 00:00:15,825 --> 00:00:16,739 there's a gun the size of a motorbike 5 00:00:16,803 --> 00:00:18,251 in his hands and a severed alien willy 6 00:00:18,307 --> 00:00:19,647 bouncing off the front of his space helmet. 7 00:00:19,709 --> 00:00:21,336 But every now and again, the planets would 8 00:00:21,396 --> 00:00:22,603 align and I'll be affected 9 00:00:22,603 --> 00:00:23,755 by weird cosmic rays, and suddenly 10 00:00:23,835 --> 00:00:25,114 all I want to do is play a nice fantasy RPG. 11 00:00:25,260 --> 00:00:27,552 Not a JRPG, God no - it's just space radiation, 12 00:00:27,611 --> 00:00:29,084 not the infinite power of Christ 13 00:00:29,142 --> 00:00:30,738 but a Western RPG, something with goblins 14 00:00:30,798 --> 00:00:32,356 and swords and men in loincloths 15 00:00:32,356 --> 00:00:33,825 going on about wenches; so this time, 16 00:00:33,895 --> 00:00:35,308 I pumped steroids into my video cards 17 00:00:35,377 --> 00:00:36,859 and had a crack at Oblivion. 18 00:00:36,924 --> 00:00:38,588 My only previous experience with the Elder 19 00:00:38,642 --> 00:00:40,011 Scrolls series was a brief spell of Morrowind 20 00:00:40,104 --> 00:00:41,200 during the previous planetary alignment, 21 00:00:41,276 --> 00:00:42,490 in which I ran around some muddy countryside 22 00:00:42,642 --> 00:00:44,309 in the rain for a few hours fending off 23 00:00:44,309 --> 00:00:46,232 weird sub-human creatures (so basically it 24 00:00:46,297 --> 00:00:47,248 was just like Glastonbury Festival). 25 00:00:47,339 --> 00:00:48,715 In Oblivion, you start off in a dungeon in 26 00:00:48,803 --> 00:00:50,015 the imperial palace. You're never told what 27 00:00:50,056 --> 00:00:51,278 crime you committed - I guess you're supposed 28 00:00:51,434 --> 00:00:52,682 to fill in that blank for yourself 29 00:00:52,751 --> 00:00:54,042 so I choose to believe I was in there 30 00:00:54,139 --> 00:00:55,114 for shagging the emperor's wife and daughter 31 00:00:55,236 --> 00:00:56,408 at the same time while playing 32 00:00:56,585 --> 00:00:57,785 a rock guitar solo 33 00:00:57,850 --> 00:00:59,248 on the desecrated corpse of God. 34 00:00:59,314 --> 00:01:00,473 Anyway, then the emperor showed up 35 00:01:00,541 --> 00:01:01,707 (played by Captain Picard - 36 00:01:01,771 --> 00:01:02,707 and I have to say I liked him a lot; 37 00:01:02,707 --> 00:01:04,207 he was the only character who actually 38 00:01:04,296 --> 00:01:06,374 seemed to know they were in a fantasy RPG), 39 00:01:06,405 --> 00:01:07,358 he took one look at me, noticed the camera 40 00:01:07,426 --> 00:01:08,203 floating behind my head, and said, 41 00:01:08,275 --> 00:01:09,351 "Oh, bugger; you're the protagonist, 42 00:01:09,351 --> 00:01:11,256 guess I have to die now." And die he did, 43 00:01:11,362 --> 00:01:12,544 but not before giving me the address of 44 00:01:12,613 --> 00:01:14,026 a mate of his for advice on the 45 00:01:14,104 --> 00:01:15,390 world-saving quest I could maybe think 46 00:01:15,406 --> 00:01:16,494 about following in between 47 00:01:16,579 --> 00:01:17,863 looting bodies and fast-traveling. 48 00:01:17,964 --> 00:01:19,462 I chose to play as a Nord 49 00:01:19,530 --> 00:01:20,779 (a race of brave William Wallace-types 50 00:01:20,882 --> 00:01:22,411 big on football violence) 51 00:01:22,411 --> 00:01:23,509 and I picked specialization 52 00:01:23,509 --> 00:01:24,751 in swords and heavy armor - 53 00:01:24,823 --> 00:01:26,186 partly out of a total lack of creativity, 54 00:01:26,248 --> 00:01:27,623 but mostly because I'd tried playing 55 00:01:27,652 --> 00:01:29,166 a mixed class in Morrowind and found that 56 00:01:29,265 --> 00:01:30,017 switching between magic and weapons 57 00:01:30,017 --> 00:01:31,757 mid-battle was as smooth and intuitive 58 00:01:31,836 --> 00:01:33,208 as shifting from fifth to reverse 59 00:01:33,252 --> 00:01:34,477 in a car with a missing gear lever. 60 00:01:34,538 --> 00:01:35,394 Oblivion's interface, however, seems 61 00:01:35,458 --> 00:01:36,578 a lot more user-friendly - for a PC RPG, 62 00:01:36,578 --> 00:01:37,902 anyway; I still had to check the manual 63 00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:39,503 to figure out how to fucking drop things, 64 00:01:39,575 --> 00:01:40,820 but if you can at least swing a sword 65 00:01:40,850 --> 00:01:42,165 without cutting your own legs off, then 66 00:01:42,237 --> 00:01:43,612 it's still a hell of a lot more intuitive 67 00:01:43,678 --> 00:01:45,027 than anything Richard Garriott ever made. 68 00:01:45,109 --> 00:01:46,609 But even if Oblivion had the most perfect 69 00:01:46,736 --> 00:01:48,110 interface ever devised and dispensed milk 70 00:01:48,185 --> 00:01:49,618 and cookies while cooing gentle reassurances 71 00:01:49,688 --> 00:01:51,095 in a soft motherly voice, it would still be 72 00:01:51,100 --> 00:01:52,591 condemned by its biggest flaw. 73 00:01:52,716 --> 00:01:54,160 Let me tell you about immersion: Immersion 74 00:01:54,304 --> 00:01:55,764 is when you go for a midnight walk after a 75 00:01:55,842 --> 00:01:57,481 weekend marathon of Thief II and catch yourself 76 00:01:57,565 --> 00:01:58,839 looking for your visibility gem. 77 00:01:58,916 --> 00:02:00,346 Immersion is when you're playing Condemned 78 00:02:00,346 --> 00:02:01,759 and your cat suddenly jumps onto your lap, 79 00:02:01,861 --> 00:02:03,090 only to be immediately launched off by a 80 00:02:03,194 --> 00:02:05,582 reflexive cannon-like blast of terrified piss. 81 00:02:05,624 --> 00:02:07,109 If a game can truly draw you in, 82 00:02:07,186 --> 00:02:08,306 it can make up for a lot of flaws. 83 00:02:08,306 --> 00:02:09,522 Take something like Assassin's Creed - 84 00:02:09,522 --> 00:02:10,962 so stuffed with bad design choices 85 00:02:11,050 --> 00:02:12,399 they were leaking out of its pores, 86 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,109 but I didn't despise it because 87 00:02:14,177 --> 00:02:15,739 Assassin's Creed presents itself so well; 88 00:02:15,834 --> 00:02:17,044 and if you go into it with the right mindset, 89 00:02:17,044 --> 00:02:18,592 it'll suck you in like a thousand-dollar whore. 90 00:02:18,697 --> 00:02:20,305 Immersion can save the life of a bad game, 91 00:02:20,375 --> 00:02:22,071 and inversely, a lack of immersion can be 92 00:02:22,138 --> 00:02:24,013 a dog-shit bullet right between the eyes. 93 00:02:24,073 --> 00:02:25,849 For a game that is obviously trying so hard, 94 00:02:25,965 --> 00:02:27,615 Oblivion is one of the least 95 00:02:27,697 --> 00:02:29,016 immersive RPGs I've ever played. 96 00:02:29,099 --> 00:02:30,260 The world map is huge - granted, 97 00:02:30,362 --> 00:02:32,051 if you intend to walk from one end to the other, 98 00:02:32,114 --> 00:02:33,720 you better pack a few sandwiches, 99 00:02:33,852 --> 00:02:35,573 but frankly, take one good look around 100 00:02:35,653 --> 00:02:37,132 the moment you first emerge blinking 101 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,181 into the daylight, and you've pretty 102 00:02:38,255 --> 00:02:39,249 much seen everything. 103 00:02:39,249 --> 00:02:40,287 It's like they took two hundred 104 00:02:40,359 --> 00:02:41,312 square yards of medieval English countryside, 105 00:02:41,350 --> 00:02:42,574 added a few wolves, then copy-pasted it 106 00:02:42,670 --> 00:02:43,998 until it was roughly the size of Yorkshire. 107 00:02:44,079 --> 00:02:45,274 Fortunately, you can bypass the insipid 108 00:02:45,340 --> 00:02:46,641 landscape and instantly teleport to anywhere 109 00:02:46,718 --> 00:02:48,120 you want, but that defeats the point of 110 00:02:48,275 --> 00:02:49,712 having a huge gameworld in the first place. 111 00:02:49,712 --> 00:02:51,010 I really hate to say this, 112 00:02:51,090 --> 00:02:52,562 but compare to that electronic smack- 113 00:02:52,562 --> 00:02:53,978 addition World of Warcraft - 114 00:02:54,045 --> 00:02:55,434 every territory has different terrain, 115 00:02:55,434 --> 00:02:56,995 colors and monsters, and the fast-travel 116 00:02:57,061 --> 00:02:58,481 system (while badly in need of an in-flight 117 00:02:58,574 --> 00:03:00,388 movie) at least gives the impression of a 118 00:03:00,497 --> 00:03:02,175 huge epic world. Oblivion, by comparison, 119 00:03:02,239 --> 00:03:03,817 might as well be entirely taking place 120 00:03:03,877 --> 00:03:05,239 in the same fucking meadow. 121 00:03:05,301 --> 00:03:06,735 And then there are the characters: 122 00:03:06,735 --> 00:03:08,342 They all have this weird, stiff, unreal 123 00:03:08,430 --> 00:03:09,652 quality about them, indicating that Cyrodiil 124 00:03:09,737 --> 00:03:10,833 is apparently located inside 125 00:03:10,931 --> 00:03:11,990 the uncanny valley. 126 00:03:12,054 --> 00:03:12,902 And that's before you try 127 00:03:12,968 --> 00:03:13,754 to talk to them - 128 00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:15,017 besides the main characters, 129 00:03:15,017 --> 00:03:15,889 there are about a hundred million 130 00:03:15,930 --> 00:03:16,842 individuals with maybe two actual 131 00:03:16,842 --> 00:03:17,986 personalities between them 132 00:03:18,060 --> 00:03:18,899 (neither of which are particularly 133 00:03:19,046 --> 00:03:20,201 well characterized). 134 00:03:20,275 --> 00:03:21,345 One crazy beggar woman switched between 135 00:03:21,454 --> 00:03:23,065 a grackled drawl and a well-spoken 136 00:03:23,183 --> 00:03:24,404 aristocratic tone from line to line, 137 00:03:24,494 --> 00:03:26,246 so either she's pulling a very inept con, 138 00:03:26,328 --> 00:03:28,472 or the dialogue assignment is fucked. 139 00:03:28,550 --> 00:03:30,615 The attempt to create a 140 00:03:30,694 --> 00:03:32,260 procedurally-generated NPC conversation 141 00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:33,709 system was courageous, but then, so is 142 00:03:33,777 --> 00:03:35,139 jumping into a skip full of used syringes. 143 00:03:35,275 --> 00:03:36,858 The tiny number of voice actors just makes 144 00:03:36,921 --> 00:03:38,562 it laughable, with characters frequently 145 00:03:38,625 --> 00:03:39,953 found conversing with themselves about 146 00:03:40,045 --> 00:03:41,475 how much they enjoy buying from the 147 00:03:41,549 --> 00:03:42,910 shop owned by themselves. On top of that, 148 00:03:42,954 --> 00:03:44,182 the endlessly repeated lines are so badly 149 00:03:44,182 --> 00:03:45,597 written and awkwardly delivered, it's like 150 00:03:45,660 --> 00:03:46,892 you're trapped in a middle-school amateur 151 00:03:46,959 --> 00:03:48,183 dramatics production of The Lord of the 152 00:03:48,276 --> 00:03:50,083 Rings adapted for stage by a deaf budgerigar. 153 00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:51,664 Oblivion might be incredibly deep 154 00:03:51,736 --> 00:03:52,990 and full of interesting quests that 155 00:03:53,057 --> 00:03:54,576 all end with foxy night elves giving you 156 00:03:54,642 --> 00:03:55,612 soapy tit-wanks, but it's all for naught 157 00:03:55,708 --> 00:03:57,297 because it just won't let me in. 158 00:03:57,386 --> 00:03:58,913 Whenever I thought I was starting to lose 159 00:03:58,925 --> 00:04:00,353 myself in the experience, some NPC 160 00:04:00,435 --> 00:04:01,945 would get stuck on a paving stone 161 00:04:02,091 --> 00:04:03,403 or force me to feed them that 162 00:04:03,498 --> 00:04:05,015 stupid conversation pie, and I'd 163 00:04:05,112 --> 00:04:06,295 come crashing back to reality, 164 00:04:06,390 --> 00:04:08,298 where I am nothing more than an 165 00:04:08,377 --> 00:04:09,192 Anglo-Australian tit trying to outsmart 166 00:04:09,294 --> 00:04:10,482 a cloud of ones and zeros. 167 00:04:10,540 --> 00:04:11,711 The root of the problem is simply that 168 00:04:11,807 --> 00:04:12,972 they try too hard to impress us, 169 00:04:13,110 --> 00:04:14,356 so if nothing else, remember this: 170 00:04:14,441 --> 00:04:15,542 Spinning a plate on a stick is impressive, 171 00:04:15,671 --> 00:04:16,750 but try to spin three at once, 172 00:04:16,815 --> 00:04:18,361 and you'll just end up digging 173 00:04:18,479 --> 00:04:20,203 porcelain out of your face.