0:00:12.489,0:00:13.752
You know me: I'm a twitchy,

0:00:13.802,0:00:14.693
instant-gratification kind of gamer,

0:00:14.693,0:00:15.758
the sort who isn't happy unless

0:00:15.825,0:00:16.739
there's a gun the size of a motorbike

0:00:16.803,0:00:18.251
in his hands and a severed alien willy

0:00:18.307,0:00:19.647
bouncing off the front of his space helmet.

0:00:19.709,0:00:21.336
But every now and again, the planets would

0:00:21.396,0:00:22.603
align and I'll be affected

0:00:22.603,0:00:23.755
by weird cosmic rays, and suddenly

0:00:23.835,0:00:25.114
all I want to do is play a nice fantasy RPG.

0:00:25.260,0:00:27.552
Not a JRPG, God no - it's just space radiation,

0:00:27.611,0:00:29.084
not the infinite power of Christ

0:00:29.142,0:00:30.738
but a Western RPG, something with goblins

0:00:30.798,0:00:32.356
and swords and men in loincloths

0:00:32.356,0:00:33.825
going on about wenches; so this time,

0:00:33.895,0:00:35.308
I pumped steroids into my video cards

0:00:35.377,0:00:36.859
and had a crack at Oblivion.

0:00:36.924,0:00:38.588
My only previous experience with the Elder

0:00:38.642,0:00:40.011
Scrolls series was a brief spell of Morrowind

0:00:40.104,0:00:41.200
during the previous planetary alignment,

0:00:41.276,0:00:42.490
in which I ran around some muddy countryside

0:00:42.642,0:00:44.309
in the rain for a few hours fending off

0:00:44.309,0:00:46.232
weird sub-human creatures (so basically it

0:00:46.297,0:00:47.248
was just like Glastonbury Festival).

0:00:47.339,0:00:48.715
In Oblivion, you start off in a dungeon in

0:00:48.803,0:00:50.015
the imperial palace. You're never told what

0:00:50.056,0:00:51.278
crime you committed - I guess you're supposed

0:00:51.434,0:00:52.682
to fill in that blank for yourself

0:00:52.751,0:00:54.042
so I choose to believe I was in there

0:00:54.139,0:00:55.114
for shagging the emperor's wife and daughter

0:00:55.236,0:00:56.408
at the same time while playing

0:00:56.585,0:00:57.785
a rock guitar solo

0:00:57.850,0:00:59.248
on the desecrated corpse of God.

0:00:59.314,0:01:00.473
Anyway, then the emperor showed up

0:01:00.541,0:01:01.707
(played by Captain Picard -

0:01:01.771,0:01:02.707
and I have to say I liked him a lot;

0:01:02.707,0:01:04.207
he was the only character who actually

0:01:04.296,0:01:06.374
seemed to know they were in a fantasy RPG),

0:01:06.405,0:01:07.358
he took one look at me, noticed the camera

0:01:07.426,0:01:08.203
floating behind my head, and said,

0:01:08.275,0:01:09.351
"Oh, bugger; you're the protagonist,

0:01:09.351,0:01:11.256
guess I have to die now." And die he did,

0:01:11.362,0:01:12.544
but not before giving me the address of

0:01:12.613,0:01:14.026
a mate of his for advice on the

0:01:14.104,0:01:15.390
world-saving quest I could maybe think

0:01:15.406,0:01:16.494
about following in between

0:01:16.579,0:01:17.863
looting bodies and fast-traveling.

0:01:17.964,0:01:19.462
I chose to play as a Nord

0:01:19.530,0:01:20.779
(a race of brave William Wallace-types

0:01:20.882,0:01:22.411
big on football violence)

0:01:22.411,0:01:23.509
and I picked specialization

0:01:23.509,0:01:24.751
in swords and heavy armor -

0:01:24.823,0:01:26.186
partly out of a total lack of creativity,

0:01:26.248,0:01:27.623
but mostly because I'd tried playing

0:01:27.652,0:01:29.166
a mixed class in Morrowind and found that

0:01:29.265,0:01:30.017
switching between magic and weapons

0:01:30.017,0:01:31.757
mid-battle was as smooth and intuitive

0:01:31.836,0:01:33.208
as shifting from fifth to reverse

0:01:33.252,0:01:34.477
in a car with a missing gear lever.

0:01:34.538,0:01:35.394
Oblivion's interface, however, seems

0:01:35.458,0:01:36.578
a lot more user-friendly - for a PC RPG,

0:01:36.578,0:01:37.902
anyway; I still had to check the manual

0:01:38.031,0:01:39.503
to figure out how to fucking drop things,

0:01:39.575,0:01:40.820
but if you can at least swing a sword

0:01:40.850,0:01:42.165
without cutting your own legs off, then

0:01:42.237,0:01:43.612
it's still a hell of a lot more intuitive

0:01:43.678,0:01:45.027
than anything Richard Garriott ever made.

0:01:45.109,0:01:46.609
But even if Oblivion had the most perfect

0:01:46.736,0:01:48.110
interface ever devised and dispensed milk

0:01:48.185,0:01:49.618
and cookies while cooing gentle reassurances

0:01:49.688,0:01:51.095
in a soft motherly voice, it would still be

0:01:51.100,0:01:52.591
condemned by its biggest flaw.

0:01:52.716,0:01:54.160
Let me tell you about immersion: Immersion

0:01:54.304,0:01:55.764
is when you go for a midnight walk after a

0:01:55.842,0:01:57.481
weekend marathon of Thief II and catch yourself

0:01:57.565,0:01:58.839
looking for your visibility gem.

0:01:58.916,0:02:00.346
Immersion is when you're playing Condemned

0:02:00.346,0:02:01.759
and your cat suddenly jumps onto your lap,

0:02:01.861,0:02:03.090
only to be immediately launched off by a

0:02:03.194,0:02:05.582
reflexive cannon-like blast of terrified piss.

0:02:05.624,0:02:07.109
If a game can truly draw you in,

0:02:07.186,0:02:08.306
it can make up for a lot of flaws.

0:02:08.306,0:02:09.522
Take something like Assassin's Creed -

0:02:09.522,0:02:10.962
so stuffed with bad design choices

0:02:11.050,0:02:12.399
they were leaking out of its pores,

0:02:12.500,0:02:14.109
but I didn't despise it because

0:02:14.177,0:02:15.739
Assassin's Creed presents itself so well;

0:02:15.834,0:02:17.044
and if you go into it with the right mindset,

0:02:17.044,0:02:18.592
it'll suck you in like a thousand-dollar whore.

0:02:18.697,0:02:20.305
Immersion can save the life of a bad game,

0:02:20.375,0:02:22.071
and inversely, a lack of immersion can be

0:02:22.138,0:02:24.013
a dog-shit bullet right between the eyes.

0:02:24.073,0:02:25.849
For a game that is obviously trying so hard,

0:02:25.965,0:02:27.615
Oblivion is one of the least

0:02:27.697,0:02:29.016
immersive RPGs I've ever played.

0:02:29.099,0:02:30.260
The world map is huge - granted,

0:02:30.362,0:02:32.051
if you intend to walk from one end to the other,

0:02:32.114,0:02:33.720
you better pack a few sandwiches,

0:02:33.852,0:02:35.573
but frankly, take one good look around

0:02:35.653,0:02:37.132
the moment you first emerge blinking

0:02:37.200,0:02:38.181
into the daylight, and you've pretty

0:02:38.255,0:02:39.249
much seen everything.

0:02:39.249,0:02:40.287
It's like they took two hundred

0:02:40.359,0:02:41.312
square yards of medieval English countryside,

0:02:41.350,0:02:42.574
added a few wolves, then copy-pasted it

0:02:42.670,0:02:43.998
until it was roughly the size of Yorkshire.

0:02:44.079,0:02:45.274
Fortunately, you can bypass the insipid

0:02:45.340,0:02:46.641
landscape and instantly teleport to anywhere

0:02:46.718,0:02:48.120
you want, but that defeats the point of

0:02:48.275,0:02:49.712
having a huge gameworld in the first place.

0:02:49.712,0:02:51.010
I really hate to say this,

0:02:51.090,0:02:52.562
but compare to that electronic smack-

0:02:52.562,0:02:53.978
addition World of Warcraft -

0:02:54.045,0:02:55.434
every territory has different terrain,

0:02:55.434,0:02:56.995
colors and monsters, and the fast-travel

0:02:57.061,0:02:58.481
system (while badly in need of an in-flight

0:02:58.574,0:03:00.388
movie) at least gives the impression of a

0:03:00.497,0:03:02.175
huge epic world. Oblivion, by comparison,

0:03:02.239,0:03:03.817
might as well be entirely taking place

0:03:03.877,0:03:05.239
in the same fucking meadow.

0:03:05.301,0:03:06.735
And then there are the characters:

0:03:06.735,0:03:08.342
They all have this weird, stiff, unreal

0:03:08.430,0:03:09.652
quality about them, indicating that Cyrodiil

0:03:09.737,0:03:10.833
is apparently located inside

0:03:10.931,0:03:11.990
the uncanny valley.

0:03:12.054,0:03:12.902
And that's before you try

0:03:12.968,0:03:13.754
to talk to them -

0:03:13.827,0:03:15.017
besides the main characters,

0:03:15.017,0:03:15.889
there are about a hundred million

0:03:15.930,0:03:16.842
individuals with maybe two actual

0:03:16.842,0:03:17.986
personalities between them

0:03:18.060,0:03:18.899
(neither of which are particularly

0:03:19.046,0:03:20.201
well characterized).

0:03:20.275,0:03:21.345
One crazy beggar woman switched between

0:03:21.454,0:03:23.065
a grackled drawl and a well-spoken

0:03:23.183,0:03:24.404
aristocratic tone from line to line,

0:03:24.494,0:03:26.246
so either she's pulling a very inept con,

0:03:26.328,0:03:28.472
or the dialogue assignment is fucked.

0:03:28.550,0:03:30.615
The attempt to create a

0:03:30.694,0:03:32.260
procedurally-generated NPC conversation

0:03:32.360,0:03:33.709
system was courageous, but then, so is

0:03:33.777,0:03:35.139
jumping into a skip full of used syringes.

0:03:35.275,0:03:36.858
The tiny number of voice actors just makes

0:03:36.921,0:03:38.562
it laughable, with characters frequently

0:03:38.625,0:03:39.953
found conversing with themselves about

0:03:40.045,0:03:41.475
how much they enjoy buying from the

0:03:41.549,0:03:42.910
shop owned by themselves. On top of that,

0:03:42.954,0:03:44.182
the endlessly repeated lines are so badly

0:03:44.182,0:03:45.597
written and awkwardly delivered, it's like

0:03:45.660,0:03:46.892
you're trapped in a middle-school amateur

0:03:46.959,0:03:48.183
dramatics production of The Lord of the

0:03:48.276,0:03:50.083
Rings adapted for stage by a deaf budgerigar.

0:03:50.160,0:03:51.664
Oblivion might be incredibly deep

0:03:51.736,0:03:52.990
and full of interesting quests that

0:03:53.057,0:03:54.576
all end with foxy night elves giving you

0:03:54.642,0:03:55.612
soapy tit-wanks, but it's all for naught

0:03:55.708,0:03:57.297
because it just won't let me in.

0:03:57.386,0:03:58.913
Whenever I thought I was starting to lose

0:03:58.925,0:04:00.353
myself in the experience, some NPC

0:04:00.435,0:04:01.945
would get stuck on a paving stone

0:04:02.091,0:04:03.403
or force me to feed them that

0:04:03.498,0:04:05.015
stupid conversation pie, and I'd

0:04:05.112,0:04:06.295
come crashing back to reality,

0:04:06.390,0:04:08.298
where I am nothing more than an

0:04:08.377,0:04:09.192
Anglo-Australian tit trying to outsmart

0:04:09.294,0:04:10.482
a cloud of ones and zeros.

0:04:10.540,0:04:11.711
The root of the problem is simply that

0:04:11.807,0:04:12.972
they try too hard to impress us,

0:04:13.110,0:04:14.356
so if nothing else, remember this:

0:04:14.441,0:04:15.542
Spinning a plate on a stick is impressive,

0:04:15.671,0:04:16.750
but try to spin three at once,

0:04:16.815,0:04:18.361
and you'll just end up digging

0:04:18.479,0:04:20.203
porcelain out of your face.