0:00:00.644,0:00:03.227
So sometimes I get angry,

0:00:03.857,0:00:07.375
and it took me many years[br]to be able to say just those words.

0:00:08.125,0:00:09.726
In my work,

0:00:09.750,0:00:12.777
sometimes my body thrums, I'm so enraged.

0:00:14.125,0:00:17.658
But no matter how justified[br]my anger has been,

0:00:18.023,0:00:19.810
throughout my life,

0:00:19.834,0:00:24.771
I've always been led to understand[br]that my anger is an exaggeration,

0:00:24.795,0:00:26.699
a misrepresentation,

0:00:26.723,0:00:29.390
that it will make me rude and unlikable.

0:00:30.406,0:00:35.893
Mainly as a girl, I learned, as a girl,[br]that anger is an emotion

0:00:35.917,0:00:38.625
better left entirely unvoiced.

0:00:39.957,0:00:41.837
Think about my mother for a minute.

0:00:41.861,0:00:44.664
When I was 15, I came home[br]from school one day,

0:00:44.688,0:00:48.106
and she was standing on a long veranda[br]outside of our kitchen,

0:00:48.130,0:00:49.857
holding a giant stack of plates.

0:00:50.813,0:00:56.268
Imagine how dumbfounded I was when she[br]started to throw them like Frisbees...

0:00:56.292,0:00:57.598
(Laughter)

0:00:57.622,0:00:59.789
into the hot, humid air.

0:01:00.511,0:01:04.226
When every single plate had shattered[br]into thousands of pieces

0:01:04.250,0:01:05.476
on the hill below,

0:01:05.500,0:01:09.723
she walked back in and she said to me,[br]cheerfully, "How was your day?"

0:01:09.747,0:01:13.650
(Laughter)

0:01:13.674,0:01:18.750
Now you can see how a child[br]would look at an incident like this

0:01:19.214,0:01:24.417
and think that anger is silent, isolating,[br]destructive, even frightening.

0:01:25.333,0:01:31.143
Especially though when the person[br]who's angry is a girl or a woman.

0:01:31.167,0:01:32.667
The question is why.

0:01:33.375,0:01:36.583
Anger is a human emotion,[br]neither good nor bad.

0:01:37.375,0:01:38.934
It is actually a signal emotion.

0:01:38.958,0:01:42.833
It warns us of indignity, threat,[br]insult and harm.

0:01:43.625,0:01:49.476
And yet, in culture after culture,[br]anger is reserved as the moral property

0:01:49.500,0:01:50.792
of boys and men.

0:01:51.792,0:01:53.650
Now, to be sure, there are differences.

0:01:53.674,0:01:55.934
So in the United States, for example,

0:01:55.958,0:01:59.976
an angry black man[br]is viewed as a criminal,

0:02:00.000,0:02:02.583
but an angry white man has civic virtue.

0:02:03.500,0:02:07.333
Regardless of where we are, however,[br]the emotion is gendered.

0:02:07.917,0:02:12.704
And so we teach children to disdain anger[br]in girls and women,

0:02:12.728,0:02:16.410
and we grow up to be adults[br]that penalize it.

0:02:17.917,0:02:19.545
So what if we didn't do that?

0:02:20.708,0:02:24.164
What if we didn't sever[br]anger from femininity?

0:02:24.188,0:02:27.976
Because severing anger from femininity[br]means we sever girls and women

0:02:28.000,0:02:31.226
from the emotion that best[br]protects us from injustice.

0:02:31.583,0:02:35.671
What if instead we thought about[br]developing emotional competence

0:02:35.695,0:02:37.011
for boys and girls?

0:02:37.833,0:02:41.582
The fact is we still[br]remarkably socialize children

0:02:41.606,0:02:43.875
in very binary and oppositional ways.

0:02:44.500,0:02:49.424
Boys are held to absurd,[br]rigid norms of masculinity --

0:02:49.448,0:02:53.518
told to renounce the feminine emotionality[br]of sadness or fear

0:02:53.542,0:02:57.167
and to embrace aggression and anger[br]as markers of real manhood.

0:02:58.083,0:03:02.518
On the other hand,[br]girls learn to be deferential,

0:03:02.542,0:03:05.542
and anger is incompatible with deference.

0:03:06.081,0:03:11.248
In the same way that we learned[br]to cross our legs and tame our hair,

0:03:12.167,0:03:15.010
we learned to bite our tongues[br]and swallow our pride.

0:03:16.208,0:03:20.053
What happens too often[br]is that for all of us,

0:03:20.077,0:03:23.348
indignity becomes imminent[br]in our notions of femininity.

0:03:24.674,0:03:29.332
There's a long personal and political[br]tale to that bifurcation.

0:03:30.205,0:03:35.799
In anger, we go from being[br]spoiled princesses and hormonal teens,

0:03:35.823,0:03:40.140
to high maintenance women[br]and shrill, ugly nags.

0:03:40.600,0:03:42.704
We have flavors, though; pick your flavor.

0:03:43.208,0:03:46.247
Are you a spicy hot Latina[br]when you're mad?

0:03:46.549,0:03:52.215
Or a sad Asian girl? An angry black woman?[br]Or a crazy white one?

0:03:53.675,0:03:55.101
You can pick.

0:03:55.125,0:03:59.800
But in fact, the effect is[br]that when we say what's important to us,

0:03:59.824,0:04:02.101
which is what anger is conveying,

0:04:02.125,0:04:06.000
people are more likely[br]to get angry at us for being angry.

0:04:06.708,0:04:11.917
Whether we're at home or in school[br]or at work or in a political arena,

0:04:12.417,0:04:16.416
anger confirms masculinity,[br]and it confounds femininity.

0:04:17.055,0:04:19.802
So men are rewarded for displaying it,

0:04:19.826,0:04:22.410
and women are penalized[br]for doing the same.

0:04:23.917,0:04:26.523
This puts us at an enormous disadvantage,

0:04:26.547,0:04:30.467
particularly when we have to defend[br]ourselves and our own interests.

0:04:31.583,0:04:35.710
If we're faced with a threatening[br]street harasser, predatory employer,

0:04:35.734,0:04:37.773
a sexist, racist classmate,

0:04:38.311,0:04:42.255
our brains are screaming,[br]"Are you kidding me?"

0:04:42.922,0:04:45.843
And our mouths say, "I'm sorry, what?"

0:04:46.208,0:04:48.893
(Laughter)

0:04:48.917,0:04:50.160
Right?

0:04:51.097,0:04:54.231
And it's conflicting because[br]the anger gets all tangled up

0:04:54.255,0:04:57.684
with the anxiety and the fear[br]and the risk and retaliation.

0:04:57.708,0:05:01.360
If you ask women what they fear the most[br]in response to their anger,

0:05:01.384,0:05:02.979
they don't say violence.

0:05:03.003,0:05:04.458
They say mockery.

0:05:05.233,0:05:06.638
Think about what that means.

0:05:08.487,0:05:12.725
If you have multiple marginalized [br]identities, it's not just mockery.

0:05:13.050,0:05:17.081
If you defend yourself,[br]if you put a stake in the ground,

0:05:17.423,0:05:19.446
there can be dire consequences.

0:05:20.113,0:05:25.018
Now we reproduce these patterns[br]not in big, bold and blunt ways,

0:05:25.042,0:05:27.712
but in the everyday banality of life.

0:05:29.000,0:05:32.101
When my daughter was in preschool,[br]every single morning

0:05:32.125,0:05:35.559
she built an elaborate castle --[br]ribbons and blocks --

0:05:35.583,0:05:38.631
and every single morning the same boy[br]knocked it down gleefully.

0:05:39.708,0:05:43.792
His parents were there, but they never[br]intervened before the fact.

0:05:44.432,0:05:47.583
They were happy to provide[br]platitudes afterwards:

0:05:48.208,0:05:49.875
"Boys will be boys."

0:05:50.292,0:05:53.333
"It's so tempting, he just[br]couldn't help himself."

0:05:54.292,0:05:58.104
I did what many girls[br]and women learn to do.

0:05:58.128,0:06:00.206
I preemptively kept the peace,

0:06:00.230,0:06:02.761
and I taught my daughter[br]to do the same thing.

0:06:03.460,0:06:05.436
She used her words.

0:06:06.333,0:06:08.583
She tried to gently body block him.

0:06:08.958,0:06:12.999
She moved where she was building[br]in the classroom, to no effect.

0:06:13.777,0:06:19.755
So I and the other adults mutually[br]constructed a particular male entitlement.

0:06:20.417,0:06:23.247
He could run rampant[br]and control the environment,

0:06:23.747,0:06:28.350
and she kept her feelings to herself[br]and worked around his needs.

0:06:29.080,0:06:33.393
We failed both of them[br]by not giving her anger the uptake

0:06:33.417,0:06:35.417
and resolution that it deserved.

0:06:36.103,0:06:39.444
Now that's a microcosm[br]of a much bigger problem.

0:06:39.881,0:06:43.254
Because culturally, worldwide,

0:06:43.929,0:06:47.571
we preference the performance[br]of masculinity --

0:06:47.873,0:06:51.039
and the power and privilege[br]that come with that performance --

0:06:51.063,0:06:55.167
over the rights and needs and words[br]of children and women.

0:06:56.917,0:07:01.368
So it will come as absolutely no surprise,[br]probably, to the people in this room

0:07:01.392,0:07:07.364
that women report being angrier in more[br]sustained ways and with more intensity

0:07:07.388,0:07:08.538
than men do.

0:07:09.710,0:07:12.917
Some of that comes from the fact[br]that we're socialized to ruminate,

0:07:12.941,0:07:14.901
to keep it to ourselves and mull it over.

0:07:15.750,0:07:19.401
But we also have to find[br]socially palatable ways

0:07:19.425,0:07:22.741
to express the intensity[br]of emotion that we have

0:07:23.248,0:07:26.804
and the awareness[br]that it brings of our precarity.

0:07:27.630,0:07:29.209
So we do several things.

0:07:30.186,0:07:35.601
If men knew how often women were filled[br]with white hot rage when we cried,

0:07:35.625,0:07:37.083
they would be staggered.

0:07:37.402,0:07:39.059
(Laughter)

0:07:39.083,0:07:40.664
We use minimizing language.

0:07:41.042,0:07:43.434
"We're frustrated. No, really, it's OK."

0:07:43.458,0:07:45.333
(Laughter)

0:07:45.917,0:07:49.003
We self-objectify and lose the ability

0:07:49.027,0:07:54.669
to even recognize the physiological[br]changes that indicate anger.

0:07:55.667,0:07:58.019
Mainly, though, we get sick.

0:07:59.125,0:08:03.686
Anger has now been implicated[br]in a whole array of illnesses

0:08:03.710,0:08:06.543
that are casually dismissed[br]as "women's illnesses."

0:08:07.210,0:08:12.773
Higher rates of chronic pain,[br]autoimmune disorders, disordered eating,

0:08:12.797,0:08:16.241
mental distress, anxiety,[br]self harm, depression.

0:08:17.257,0:08:21.350
Anger affects our immune systems,[br]our cardiovascular systems.

0:08:21.374,0:08:25.693
Some studies even indicate[br]that it affects mortality rates,

0:08:25.717,0:08:28.081
particularly in black women with cancer.

0:08:30.271,0:08:34.866
I am sick and tired of the women[br]I know being sick and tired.

0:08:37.198,0:08:39.722
Our anger brings great discomfort,

0:08:40.246,0:08:44.405
and the conflict comes because[br]it's our role to bring comfort.

0:08:45.372,0:08:46.944
There is anger that's acceptable.

0:08:46.968,0:08:52.739
We can be angry when we stay in our lanes[br]and buttress the status quo.

0:08:53.255,0:08:55.358
As mothers or teachers,

0:08:56.167,0:09:01.136
we can be mad, but we can't be angry[br]about the tremendous costs of nurturing.

0:09:01.875,0:09:03.643
We can be angry at our mothers.

0:09:03.667,0:09:07.372
Let's say, as teenagers --[br]patriarchal rules and regulations --

0:09:07.396,0:09:09.602
we don't blame systems, we blame them.

0:09:09.626,0:09:13.542
We can be angry at other women,[br]because who doesn't love a good catfight?

0:09:14.411,0:09:19.959
And we can be angry at men with[br]lower status in an expressive hierarchy

0:09:20.284,0:09:22.750
that supports racism or xenophobia.

0:09:23.864,0:09:26.159
But we have an enormous power in this.

0:09:26.543,0:09:30.532
Because feelings are the purview[br]of our authority,

0:09:31.625,0:09:34.172
and people are uncomfortable[br]with our anger.

0:09:34.792,0:09:39.402
We should be making people comfortable[br]with the discomfort they feel

0:09:39.426,0:09:42.378
when women say no, unapologetically.

0:09:43.917,0:09:48.583
We can take emotions and think in terms[br]of competence and not gender.

0:09:49.465,0:09:53.394
People who are able to process their anger[br]and make meaning from it

0:09:53.798,0:09:56.458
are more creative, more optimistic,

0:09:56.958,0:09:58.292
they have more intimacy,

0:09:58.917,0:10:00.473
they're better problem solvers,

0:10:02.260,0:10:04.519
they have greater political efficacy.

0:10:05.251,0:10:08.440
Now I am a woman[br]writing about women and feelings,

0:10:08.464,0:10:11.122
so very few men with power

0:10:11.146,0:10:15.106
are going to take what I'm saying[br]seriously, as a matter of politics.

0:10:15.789,0:10:21.737
We think of politics and anger in terms[br]of the contempt and disdain and fury

0:10:21.761,0:10:24.717
that are feeding a rise[br]of macho-fascism in the world.

0:10:25.375,0:10:28.519
But if it's that poison,[br]it's also the antidote.

0:10:29.542,0:10:33.396
We have an anger of hope,[br]and we see it every single day

0:10:33.420,0:10:37.206
in the resistant anger of women[br]and marginalized people.

0:10:37.833,0:10:42.334
It's related to compassion[br]and empathy and love,

0:10:42.358,0:10:45.515
and we should recognize[br]that anger as well.

0:10:47.643,0:10:54.625
The issue is that societies that don't[br]respect women's anger don't respect women.

0:10:55.543,0:11:01.555
The real danger of our anger isn't that[br]it will break bonds or plates.

0:11:02.167,0:11:07.273
It's that it exactly shows[br]how seriously we take ourselves,

0:11:07.297,0:11:11.201
and we expect other people[br]to take us seriously as well.

0:11:12.074,0:11:15.934
When that happens, chances are very good

0:11:15.958,0:11:20.167
that women will be able to smile[br]when they want to.

0:11:21.285,0:11:22.674
(Applause)

0:11:22.698,0:11:23.849
Thank you.

0:11:23.873,0:11:30.563
(Applause) (Cheers)