[Script Info] Title: [Events] Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.64,0:00:03.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So sometimes I get angry, Dialogue: 0,0:00:03.86,0:00:07.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it took me many years\Nto be able to say just those words. Dialogue: 0,0:00:08.12,0:00:09.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In my work, Dialogue: 0,0:00:09.75,0:00:12.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sometimes my body thrums, I'm so enraged. Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.12,0:00:17.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But no matter how justified\Nmy anger has been, Dialogue: 0,0:00:18.02,0:00:19.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,throughout my life, Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.83,0:00:24.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've always been led to understand\Nthat my anger is an exaggeration, Dialogue: 0,0:00:24.80,0:00:26.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a misrepresentation, Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.72,0:00:29.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that it will make me rude and unlikable. Dialogue: 0,0:00:30.41,0:00:35.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mainly as a girl, I learned, as a girl,\Nthat anger is an emotion Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.92,0:00:38.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,better left entirely unvoiced. Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.96,0:00:41.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Think about my mother for a minute. Dialogue: 0,0:00:41.86,0:00:44.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was 15, I came home\Nfrom school one day, Dialogue: 0,0:00:44.69,0:00:48.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she was standing on a long veranda\Noutside of our kitchen, Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.13,0:00:49.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,holding a giant stack of plates. Dialogue: 0,0:00:50.81,0:00:56.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Imagine how dumbfounded I was when she\Nstarted to throw them like Frisbees... Dialogue: 0,0:00:56.29,0:00:57.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:00:57.62,0:00:59.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,into the hot, humid air. Dialogue: 0,0:01:00.51,0:01:04.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When every single plate had shattered\Ninto thousands of pieces Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.25,0:01:05.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on the hill below, Dialogue: 0,0:01:05.50,0:01:09.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she walked back in, and she said to me,\Ncheerfully, "How was your day?" Dialogue: 0,0:01:09.75,0:01:13.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:01:13.67,0:01:18.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now you can see how a child\Nwould look at an incident like this Dialogue: 0,0:01:19.21,0:01:24.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and think that anger is silent, isolating,\Ndestructive, even frightening. Dialogue: 0,0:01:25.33,0:01:31.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Especially though when the person\Nwho's angry is a girl or a woman. Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.17,0:01:32.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The question is why. Dialogue: 0,0:01:33.38,0:01:36.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Anger is a human emotion,\Nneither good nor bad. Dialogue: 0,0:01:37.38,0:01:38.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It is actually a signal emotion. Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.96,0:01:42.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It warns us of indignity, threat,\Ninsult and harm. Dialogue: 0,0:01:43.62,0:01:49.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And yet, in culture after culture,\Nanger is reserved as the moral property Dialogue: 0,0:01:49.50,0:01:50.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of boys and men. Dialogue: 0,0:01:51.79,0:01:53.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, to be sure, there are differences. Dialogue: 0,0:01:53.67,0:01:55.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So in the United States, for example, Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.96,0:01:59.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,an angry black man\Nis viewed as a criminal, Dialogue: 0,0:02:00.00,0:02:02.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but an angry white man has civic virtue. Dialogue: 0,0:02:03.50,0:02:07.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Regardless of where we are, however,\Nthe emotion is gendered. Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.92,0:02:12.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And so we teach children to disdain anger\Nin girls and women, Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.73,0:02:16.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we grow up to be adults\Nthat penalize it. Dialogue: 0,0:02:17.92,0:02:19.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what if we didn't do that? Dialogue: 0,0:02:20.71,0:02:24.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What if we didn't sever\Nanger from femininity? Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.19,0:02:27.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because severing anger from femininity\Nmeans we sever girls and women Dialogue: 0,0:02:28.00,0:02:31.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from the emotion that best\Nprotects us from injustice. Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.58,0:02:35.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What if instead we thought about\Ndeveloping emotional competence Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.70,0:02:37.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for boys and girls? Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.83,0:02:41.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The fact is we still\Nremarkably socialize children Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.61,0:02:43.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in very binary and oppositional ways. Dialogue: 0,0:02:44.50,0:02:49.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Boys are held to absurd,\Nrigid norms of masculinity, Dialogue: 0,0:02:49.45,0:02:53.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,told to renounce the feminine emotionality\Nof sadness or fear Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.54,0:02:57.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and to embrace aggression and anger\Nas markers of real manhood. Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.08,0:03:02.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,On the other hand,\Ngirls learn to be deferential, Dialogue: 0,0:03:02.54,0:03:05.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and anger is incompatible with deference. Dialogue: 0,0:03:06.08,0:03:11.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the same way that we learned\Nto cross our legs and tame our hair, Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.17,0:03:15.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we learned to bite our tongues\Nand swallow our pride. Dialogue: 0,0:03:16.21,0:03:20.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What happens too often\Nis that for all of us, Dialogue: 0,0:03:20.08,0:03:23.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,indignity becomes imminent\Nin our notions of femininity. Dialogue: 0,0:03:24.67,0:03:29.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's a long personal and political\Ntale to that bifurcation. Dialogue: 0,0:03:30.20,0:03:35.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In anger, we go from being\Nspoiled princesses and hormonal teens, Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.82,0:03:40.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to high maintenance women\Nand shrill, ugly nags. Dialogue: 0,0:03:40.60,0:03:42.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have flavors though; pick your flavor. Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.21,0:03:46.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Are you a spicy hot Latina\Nwhen you're mad? Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.55,0:03:52.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or a sad Asian girl? An angry black woman?\NOr a crazy white one? Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.68,0:03:55.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You can pick. Dialogue: 0,0:03:55.12,0:03:59.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But in fact, the effect is\Nthat when we say what's important to us Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.82,0:04:02.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is what anger is conveying, Dialogue: 0,0:04:02.12,0:04:06.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,people are more likely\Nto get angry at us for being angry. Dialogue: 0,0:04:06.71,0:04:11.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Whether we're at home or in school\Nor at work or in a political arena, Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.42,0:04:16.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,anger confirms masculinity,\Nand it confounds femininity. Dialogue: 0,0:04:17.06,0:04:19.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So men are rewarded for displaying it, Dialogue: 0,0:04:19.83,0:04:22.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and women are penalized\Nfor doing the same. Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.92,0:04:26.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This puts us at an enormous disadvantage, Dialogue: 0,0:04:26.55,0:04:30.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,particularly when we have to defend\Nourselves and our own interests. Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.58,0:04:35.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If we're faced with a threatening\Nstreet harasser, predatory employer, Dialogue: 0,0:04:35.73,0:04:37.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,a sexist, racist classmate, Dialogue: 0,0:04:38.31,0:04:42.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,our brains are screaming,\N"Are you kidding me?" Dialogue: 0,0:04:42.92,0:04:45.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And our mouths say, "I'm sorry, what?" Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.21,0:04:48.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:04:48.92,0:04:50.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right? Dialogue: 0,0:04:51.10,0:04:54.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's conflicting because\Nthe anger gets all tangled up Dialogue: 0,0:04:54.26,0:04:57.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with the anxiety and the fear\Nand the risk and retaliation. Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.71,0:05:01.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you ask women what they fear the most\Nin response to their anger, Dialogue: 0,0:05:01.38,0:05:02.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they don't say violence. Dialogue: 0,0:05:03.00,0:05:04.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They say mockery. Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.23,0:05:06.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Think about what that means. Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.49,0:05:12.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you have multiple marginalized \Nidentities, it's not just mockery. Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.05,0:05:17.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you defend yourself,\Nif you put a stake in the ground, Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.42,0:05:19.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there can be dire consequences. Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.11,0:05:25.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now we reproduce these patterns,\Nnot in big, bold and blunt ways, Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.04,0:05:27.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but in the everyday banality of life. Dialogue: 0,0:05:29.00,0:05:32.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When my daughter was in preschool,\Nevery single morning Dialogue: 0,0:05:32.12,0:05:35.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she built an elaborate castle,\Nribbons and blocks. Dialogue: 0,0:05:35.58,0:05:38.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And every single morning, the same boy\Nknocked it down gleefully. Dialogue: 0,0:05:39.71,0:05:43.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,His parents were there, but they never\Nintervened before the fact. Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.43,0:05:47.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They were happy to provide\Nplatitudes afterwards. Dialogue: 0,0:05:48.21,0:05:49.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Boys will be boys." Dialogue: 0,0:05:50.29,0:05:53.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"It's so tempting, he just\Ncouldn't help himself." Dialogue: 0,0:05:54.29,0:05:58.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I did what many girls\Nand women learn to do. Dialogue: 0,0:05:58.13,0:06:00.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I preemptively kept the peace, Dialogue: 0,0:06:00.23,0:06:02.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I taught my daughter\Nto do the same thing. Dialogue: 0,0:06:03.46,0:06:05.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She used her words. Dialogue: 0,0:06:06.33,0:06:08.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She tried to gently body block him. Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.96,0:06:12.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She moved where she was building\Nin the classroom to no effect. Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.78,0:06:19.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So I and the other adults mutually\Nconstructed a particular male entitlement. Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.42,0:06:23.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He could run rampant\Nand control the environment, Dialogue: 0,0:06:23.75,0:06:28.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and she kept her feelings to herself\Nand worked around his needs. Dialogue: 0,0:06:29.08,0:06:33.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We failed both of them\Nby not giving her anger the uptake Dialogue: 0,0:06:33.42,0:06:35.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and resolution that it deserved. Dialogue: 0,0:06:36.10,0:06:39.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now that's a microcosm\Nof a much bigger problem. Dialogue: 0,0:06:39.88,0:06:43.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because culturally, worldwide, Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.93,0:06:47.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we preference the performance\Nof masculinity Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.87,0:06:51.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the power and privilege\Nthat come with that performance, Dialogue: 0,0:06:51.06,0:06:55.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,over the rights and needs and words\Nof children and women. Dialogue: 0,0:06:56.92,0:07:01.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So it will come as absolutely no surprise,\Nprobably, to the people in this room Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.39,0:07:07.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that women report being angrier in more\Nsustained ways and with more intensity Dialogue: 0,0:07:07.39,0:07:08.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than men do. Dialogue: 0,0:07:09.71,0:07:12.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some of that comes from the fact\Nthat we're socialized to ruminate, Dialogue: 0,0:07:12.94,0:07:14.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to keep it to ourselves and mull it over. Dialogue: 0,0:07:15.75,0:07:19.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we also have to find\Nsocially palatable ways Dialogue: 0,0:07:19.42,0:07:22.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to express the intensity\Nof emotion that we have Dialogue: 0,0:07:23.25,0:07:26.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the awareness\Nthat it brings of our precarity. Dialogue: 0,0:07:27.63,0:07:29.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So we do several things. Dialogue: 0,0:07:30.19,0:07:35.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If men knew how often women were filled\Nwith white hot rage when we cried, Dialogue: 0,0:07:35.62,0:07:37.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they would be staggered. Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.40,0:07:39.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:07:39.08,0:07:40.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We use minimizing language. Dialogue: 0,0:07:41.04,0:07:43.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"We're frustrated, no, really, it's OK." Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.46,0:07:45.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:07:45.92,0:07:49.00,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We self-objectify and lose the ability Dialogue: 0,0:07:49.03,0:07:54.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to even recognize the physiological\Nchanges that indicate anger. Dialogue: 0,0:07:55.67,0:07:58.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Mainly, though, we get sick. Dialogue: 0,0:07:59.12,0:08:03.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Anger has now been implicated\Nin a whole array of illnesses Dialogue: 0,0:08:03.71,0:08:06.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that are casually dismissed\Nas "women's illnesses." Dialogue: 0,0:08:07.21,0:08:12.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Higher rates of chronic pain,\Nautoimmune disorders, disordered eating, Dialogue: 0,0:08:12.80,0:08:16.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,mental distress, anxiety,\Nself harm, depression. Dialogue: 0,0:08:17.26,0:08:21.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Anger affects our immune systems,\Nour cardiovascular systems. Dialogue: 0,0:08:21.37,0:08:25.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Some studies even indicate\Nthat it affects mortality rates, Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.72,0:08:28.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,particularly in black women with cancer. Dialogue: 0,0:08:30.27,0:08:34.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I am sick and tired of the women\NI know being sick and tired. Dialogue: 0,0:08:37.20,0:08:39.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Our anger brings great discomfort, Dialogue: 0,0:08:40.25,0:08:44.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the conflict comes because\Nit's our role to bring comfort. Dialogue: 0,0:08:45.37,0:08:46.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There is anger that's acceptable. Dialogue: 0,0:08:46.97,0:08:52.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can be angry when we stay in our lanes\Nand buttress the status quo. Dialogue: 0,0:08:53.26,0:08:55.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As mothers or teachers, Dialogue: 0,0:08:56.17,0:09:01.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we can be mad, but we can't be angry\Nabout the tremendous costs of nurturing. Dialogue: 0,0:09:01.88,0:09:03.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can be angry at our mothers. Dialogue: 0,0:09:03.67,0:09:07.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let's say, as teenagers --\Npatriarchal rules and regulations -- Dialogue: 0,0:09:07.40,0:09:09.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we don't blame systems, we blame them. Dialogue: 0,0:09:09.63,0:09:13.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can be angry at other women,\Nbecause who doesn't love a good catfight? Dialogue: 0,0:09:14.41,0:09:19.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we can be angry at men with\Nlower status in an expressive hierarchy Dialogue: 0,0:09:20.28,0:09:22.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that supports racism or xenophobia. Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.86,0:09:26.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But we have an enormous power in this. Dialogue: 0,0:09:26.54,0:09:30.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because feelings are the purview\Nof our authority, Dialogue: 0,0:09:31.62,0:09:34.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and people are uncomfortable\Nwith our anger, Dialogue: 0,0:09:34.79,0:09:39.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we should be making people comfortable\Nwith the discomfort they feel Dialogue: 0,0:09:39.43,0:09:42.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when women say no, unapologetically. Dialogue: 0,0:09:43.92,0:09:48.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We can take emotions and think in terms\Nof competence and not gender. Dialogue: 0,0:09:49.46,0:09:53.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,People who are able to process their anger\Nand make meaning from it Dialogue: 0,0:09:53.80,0:09:56.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are more creative, more optimistic, Dialogue: 0,0:09:56.96,0:09:58.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they have more intimacy, Dialogue: 0,0:09:58.92,0:10:00.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they're better problem solvers, Dialogue: 0,0:10:02.26,0:10:04.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they have greater political efficacy. Dialogue: 0,0:10:05.25,0:10:08.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now I am a woman,\Nwriting about women and feelings, Dialogue: 0,0:10:08.46,0:10:11.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so very few men with power Dialogue: 0,0:10:11.15,0:10:15.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,are going to take what I'm saying\Nseriously, as a matter of politics. Dialogue: 0,0:10:15.79,0:10:21.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We think of politics and anger in terms\Nof the contempt and disdain and fury Dialogue: 0,0:10:21.76,0:10:24.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that are feeding a rise\Nof macho-fascism in the world. Dialogue: 0,0:10:25.38,0:10:28.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But if it's that poison,\Nit's also the antidote. Dialogue: 0,0:10:29.54,0:10:33.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We have an anger of hope,\Nand we see it every single day Dialogue: 0,0:10:33.42,0:10:37.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in the resistant anger of women\Nand marginalized people. Dialogue: 0,0:10:37.83,0:10:42.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's related to compassion\Nand empathy and love, Dialogue: 0,0:10:42.36,0:10:45.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we should recognize\Nthat anger as well. Dialogue: 0,0:10:47.64,0:10:54.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The issue is that societies that don't\Nrespect women's anger don't respect women. Dialogue: 0,0:10:55.54,0:11:01.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The real danger of our anger isn't that\Nit will break bonds or plates. Dialogue: 0,0:11:02.17,0:11:07.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's that it exactly shows\Nhow seriously we take ourselves, Dialogue: 0,0:11:07.30,0:11:11.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we expect other people\Nto take us seriously as well. Dialogue: 0,0:11:12.07,0:11:15.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When that happens, chances are very good Dialogue: 0,0:11:15.96,0:11:20.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that women will be able to smile\Nwhen they want to. Dialogue: 0,0:11:21.28,0:11:22.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause) Dialogue: 0,0:11:22.70,0:11:23.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you. Dialogue: 0,0:11:23.87,0:11:30.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause) (Cheers)