0:00:00.542,0:00:03.125
So sometimes I get angry,

0:00:03.708,0:00:07.375
and it took me many years[br]to be able to say just those words.

0:00:08.125,0:00:09.667
In my work,

0:00:09.750,0:00:12.667
sometimes my body thrums, I’m so enraged.

0:00:14.125,0:00:17.500
But no matter how justified[br]my anger has been,

0:00:18.083,0:00:20.542
throughout my life, I’ve always been

0:00:20.542,0:00:26.750
led to understand that my anger is[br]an exaggeration, a misrepresentation,

0:00:26.792,0:00:28.833
that it will make me rude and unlikable.

0:00:30.458,0:00:35.917
Mainly as a girl, I learned, as a girl,[br]that anger is an emotion

0:00:35.917,0:00:38.625
better left entirely unvoiced.

0:00:40.000,0:00:41.625
Think about my mother for a minute.

0:00:41.625,0:00:45.500
When I was 15, I came home[br]from school one day, and she was standing

0:00:45.500,0:00:49.833
on a long veranda outside of our kitchen,[br]holding a giant stack of plates.

0:00:50.833,0:00:56.208
Imagine how dumbfounded I was when she[br]started to throw them like Frisbees

0:00:56.292,0:00:57.583
(Laughter)

0:00:57.583,0:01:00.583
into the hot, humid air.

0:01:00.583,0:01:04.208
When every single plate had shattered[br]into thousands of pieces

0:01:04.250,0:01:05.458
on the hill below,

0:01:05.500,0:01:09.958
she walked back in and she said to me[br]cheerfully, “How was your day?”

0:01:10.042,0:01:12.208
(Laughter)

0:01:13.583,0:01:18.750
Now you can see how a child[br]would look at an incident like this

0:01:19.250,0:01:24.417
and think that anger is silent, isolating,[br]destructive, even frightening.

0:01:25.333,0:01:31.125
Especially though when the person[br]who’s angry is a girl or a woman.

0:01:31.167,0:01:32.667
The question is why.

0:01:33.375,0:01:36.583
Anger is a human emotion,[br]neither good nor bad.

0:01:37.375,0:01:38.958
It is actually a signal emotion.

0:01:38.958,0:01:42.833
It warns us of indignity, threat,[br]insult and harm.

0:01:43.625,0:01:49.500
And yet, in culture after culture,[br]anger is reserved as the moral property

0:01:49.500,0:01:50.792
of boys and men.

0:01:51.792,0:01:53.583
Now, to be sure, there are differences.

0:01:53.583,0:01:55.917
So in the United States, for example,

0:01:55.958,0:01:59.917
an angry black man[br]is viewed as a criminal,

0:02:00.000,0:02:02.583
but an angry white man has civic virtue.

0:02:03.500,0:02:07.333
Regardless of where we are, however,[br]the emotion is gendered.

0:02:07.917,0:02:14.083
And so we teach children to disdain anger[br]in girls and women, and we grow up to be

0:02:14.208,0:02:16.208
adults that penalize it.

0:02:17.917,0:02:19.667
So what if we didn't do that ?

0:02:20.708,0:02:23.958
What if we didn’t sever[br]anger from femininity?

0:02:23.958,0:02:27.917
Because severing anger from femininity[br]means we sever girls and women

0:02:28.000,0:02:31.250
from the emotion that best[br]protects us from injustice?

0:02:31.250,0:02:36.208
What if instead, we thought about[br]developing emotional competence for boys

0:02:36.208,0:02:37.750
and girls?

0:02:37.833,0:02:42.500
The fact is, we still remarkably[br]socialize children in very binary

0:02:42.500,0:02:43.875
and oppositional ways.

0:02:44.500,0:02:50.750
Boys are held to absurd, rigid norms[br]of masculinity told to, sort of renounce

0:02:50.750,0:02:53.542
the feminine emotionality[br]of sadness or fear,

0:02:53.542,0:02:57.167
and to embrace aggression and anger[br]as markers of real manhood.

0:02:58.083,0:03:02.500
On the other hand, girls[br]learn to be deferential,

0:03:02.542,0:03:05.542
and anger is incompatible with deference.

0:03:06.125,0:03:11.917
In the same way that we learned[br]to cross our legs and tame our hair,

0:03:12.167,0:03:14.917
we learned to bite our tongues[br]and swallow our pride.

0:03:16.208,0:03:20.125
What happens too often[br]is that for all of us,

0:03:20.125,0:03:23.292
indignity becomes imminent[br]in our notions of femininity.

0:03:24.708,0:03:30.000
There’s a long personal and political[br]tale to that bifurcation.

0:03:30.000,0:03:35.625
In anger, we go from being[br]spoiled princesses and hormonal teens,

0:03:35.708,0:03:40.167
to high maintenance women[br]and shrill, ugly nags.

0:03:40.500,0:03:42.333
We have flavors though, pick your flavor.

0:03:43.208,0:03:46.458
Are you a spicy hot Latina[br]when you’re mad?

0:03:46.500,0:03:54.542
Or a sad Asian girl? An angry black woman?[br]Or a crazy white one? You can pick.

0:03:55.125,0:03:59.833
But in fact, the effect is that when[br]we say what’s important to us

0:03:59.875,0:04:02.042
which is what anger is conveying,

0:04:02.125,0:04:06.000
people are more likely[br]to get angry at us for being angry.

0:04:06.708,0:04:11.917
Whether we’re at home or in school[br]or at work or in a political arena,

0:04:12.417,0:04:16.416
anger confirms masculinity,[br]and it confounds femininity.

0:04:17.000,0:04:19.750
So men are rewarded for displaying it,

0:04:19.833,0:04:22.417
and women are penalized[br]for doing the same.

0:04:23.917,0:04:28.292
This puts us at an enormous disadvantage,[br]particularly when we have to defend

0:04:28.292,0:04:30.542
ourselves and our own interests.

0:04:31.583,0:04:35.500
If we're faced with a threatening street[br]harasser for predatory employer,

0:04:35.750,0:04:40.333
a sexist, racist classmates,[br]our brains are screaming,

0:04:40.375,0:04:42.833
“Are you kidding me?”

0:04:42.875,0:04:46.125
And our mouths say, “I’m sorry, what?”

0:04:46.208,0:04:47.917
(Laughter)

0:04:48.917,0:04:50.083
Right?

0:04:51.083,0:04:54.250
And it’s conflicting because[br]the anger gets all tangled up

0:04:54.292,0:04:57.625
with the anxiety and the fear[br]and the risk and retaliation.

0:04:57.708,0:05:01.208
If you ask women what they fear the most[br]in response to their anger,

0:05:01.250,0:05:02.750
they don’t say violence.

0:05:03.042,0:05:04.458
They say mockery.

0:05:05.208,0:05:06.625
Think about what that means.

0:05:08.292,0:05:13.000
If you have multiple marginalized[br]identities, it’s not just mockery

0:05:13.042,0:05:14.417
if you defend yourself.

0:05:15.458,0:05:19.625
If you put a stake in the ground,[br]there can be dire consequences.

0:05:20.083,0:05:25.000
Now we reproduce these patterns,[br]not in big, bold and blunt ways,

0:05:25.042,0:05:27.708
but in the everyday banality of life.

0:05:29.000,0:05:32.125
When my daughter was in preschool,[br]every single morning

0:05:32.125,0:05:35.542
she built an elaborate castle,[br]ribbons and blocks.

0:05:35.583,0:05:38.625
And every single morning, the same boy[br]knocked it down gleefully/

0:05:39.708,0:05:43.792
His parents were there, but they never[br]intervened before the fact.

0:05:44.458,0:05:47.583
They were happy to provide[br]platitudes afterwards.

0:05:48.208,0:05:49.875
“Boys will be boys.”

0:05:50.292,0:05:53.333
“It’s so tempting, he just[br]couldn’t help himself.”

0:05:54.292,0:05:57.792
I did what many girls[br]and women learn to do.

0:05:58.042,0:06:02.500
I preemptively kept the peace and I taught[br]my daughter to do the same thing.

0:06:03.500,0:06:05.042
She used her words.

0:06:06.333,0:06:08.583
She tried to gently body block him.

0:06:08.958,0:06:12.833
She moved where she was building[br]in the classroom to no effect.

0:06:13.833,0:06:19.625
So I and the other adults mutually[br]constructed a particular male entitlement.

0:06:20.417,0:06:23.708
He could run rampant[br]and control the environment,

0:06:23.708,0:06:28.083
and she kept her feelings to herself[br]and worked around his needs.

0:06:29.125,0:06:33.375
We failed both of them by not giving her[br]anger the uptake

0:06:33.417,0:06:35.417
and resolution that it deserved.

0:06:36.125,0:06:43.042
Now that’s a microcosm of a much bigger[br]problem, because culturally, world wide,

0:06:43.917,0:06:49.250
we preference the performance[br]of masculinity and the power and privilege

0:06:49.250,0:06:53.167
that come with that performance,[br]over the rights and needs

0:06:53.167,0:06:54.958
and words of children and women.

0:06:56.917,0:07:01.375
So it will come as absolutely no surprise,[br]probably, to the people in this room

0:07:01.417,0:07:07.333
that women report being angrier in more[br]sustained ways and with more intensity

0:07:07.333,0:07:08.750
than men do.

0:07:09.750,0:07:12.708
Some of that comes from the fact[br]that we’re socialized to ruminate,

0:07:12.750,0:07:14.792
to keep it to ourselves and mull it over.

0:07:15.750,0:07:19.458
But we also have to find[br]socially palatable ways

0:07:19.458,0:07:22.667
to express the intensity[br]of emotion that we have

0:07:23.208,0:07:26.625
and the awareness[br]that it brings of our precarity.

0:07:27.042,0:07:29.958
So we do several things.

0:07:30.250,0:07:35.625
If men knew how often women were filled[br]with white hot rage when we cried,

0:07:35.625,0:07:37.292
they would be staggered.

0:07:37.333,0:07:38.458
(Laughter)

0:07:39.083,0:07:40.625
We use minimizing language.

0:07:41.042,0:07:43.292
“We’re frustrated, no, really, it’s okay.”

0:07:43.458,0:07:45.333
(Laughter)

0:07:45.917,0:07:50.542
We self-objectify and lose[br]the ability to even recognize

0:07:50.583,0:07:54.792
the physiological changes[br]that indicate anger.

0:07:55.667,0:07:57.833
Mainly, though, we get sick.

0:07:59.125,0:08:03.750
Anger has now been implicated[br]in a whole array of illnesses

0:08:03.750,0:08:06.583
that are casually dismissed[br]as “women’s illnesses.”

0:08:07.167,0:08:12.708
Higher rates of chronic pain,[br]autoimmune disorders, disordered eating,

0:08:12.750,0:08:16.083
mental distress, anxiety,[br]self harm, depression.

0:08:17.167,0:08:21.125
Anger affects our immune systems,[br]our cardiovascular systems.

0:08:21.250,0:08:25.667
Some studies even indicate[br]that it affects mortality rates,

0:08:25.750,0:08:27.792
particularly in black women with cancer.

0:08:30.292,0:08:34.792
I am sick and tired of the women[br]I know being sick and tired.

0:08:37.167,0:08:40.167
Our anger brings great discomfort,

0:08:40.207,0:08:44.333
and the conflict comes because[br]it’s our role to bring comfort.

0:08:45.417,0:08:46.958
There is anger that's acceptable.

0:08:47.000,0:08:53.167
We can be angry when we stay in our lanes[br]and buttress of status quo

0:08:53.208,0:08:55.875
as mothers or teachers.

0:08:56.167,0:09:01.167
We can be mad, but we can’t be angry[br]about the tremendous costs of nurturing.

0:09:01.875,0:09:03.542
We can be angry at our mothers.

0:09:03.667,0:09:07.292
Let’s say, as teenagers, patriarchal[br]rules and regulations.

0:09:07.333,0:09:09.500
We don’t blame systems. we blame them.

0:09:09.583,0:09:13.542
We can be angry at other women[br]because who doesn’t love a good catfight?

0:09:14.417,0:09:20.167
And we can be angry at men with[br]lower status in an expressive hierarchy

0:09:20.250,0:09:22.750
that supports racism or xenophobia.

0:09:23.875,0:09:26.583
But we have an enormous power in this.

0:09:26.583,0:09:30.500
Because feelings are the purview[br]of our authority,

0:09:31.625,0:09:34.792
and people are uncomfortable[br]with our anger,

0:09:34.792,0:09:39.375
we should be making people comfortable[br]with the discomfort they feel

0:09:39.458,0:09:43.083
when women say no, unapologetically.

0:09:43.917,0:09:48.583
We can take emotions and think in terms[br]of competence and not gender.

0:09:49.458,0:09:53.583
People who are able to process their anger[br]anger and make meaning from it

0:09:53.625,0:09:56.458
are more creative, more optimistic,

0:09:56.958,0:09:58.292
they have more intimacy,

0:09:58.958,0:10:00.500
they’re better problem solvers,

0:10:02.292,0:10:04.458
they have greater political efficacy.

0:10:05.292,0:10:10.833
Now I am a woman, writing about women[br]and feelings, so very few men with power

0:10:10.833,0:10:15.125
are going to take what I’m saying[br]seriously, as a matter of politics.

0:10:15.708,0:10:21.833
We think of politics and anger in term[br]of the contempt and disdain and and fury

0:10:21.833,0:10:24.792
that are feeding a rise[br]of macho-fascism in the world.

0:10:25.375,0:10:28.375
But if it’s that poison,[br]it’s also the antidote.

0:10:29.542,0:10:33.333
We have an anger of hope,[br]and we see it every single day

0:10:33.333,0:10:37.083
in the resistant anger of women[br]and marginalized people.

0:10:37.833,0:10:42.375
It’s related to compassion[br]and empathy and love,

0:10:42.375,0:10:45.500
and we should recognize[br]that anger as well.

0:10:47.667,0:10:54.625
The issue is that societies that don't[br]respect women's anger don't respect women.

0:10:55.583,0:11:01.375
The real danger of our anger isn't that[br]it will break bonds or plates.

0:11:02.167,0:11:07.250
It’s that it exactly shows[br]how seriously we take ourselves,

0:11:07.250,0:11:11.125
and we expect other people[br]to take us seriously as well.

0:11:12.083,0:11:15.958
When that happens, chances are very good

0:11:15.958,0:11:20.167
that women will be able to smile[br]when they want to.

0:11:22.667,0:11:23.792
Thank you.

0:11:23.833,0:11:26.292
(Applause) (Cheers)