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> Sorry I had to cancel a few times.
I just -- [sighs] My mousepad broke last week
and I had to get my great-aunt some diabetes shoes, and —
>> You know what, Zach? It's no problem.
I mean, I have to say, when I when I heard that, like, people actually watch this show,
I was actually pretty surprised.
> [to PBO] Shh-shh!
[to camera] Hi. Welcome to another edition of "Between Two Ferns."
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
and my guest today is Barack Oba — President Barack Obama.
>> Good to be with you, Zach.
> First question: In 2013, you pardoned a turkey.
What do you have planned for 2014?
>> We'll probably pardon another turkey. We do that every Thanksgiving.
Was that depressing to you?
Seeing one turkey kind of taken out of circulation? A turkey you couldn't eat?
[awkward silence]
> So how does this work?
Do you send Ambassador Rodman to North Korea on your behalf?
I read somewhere that you'd be sending Hulk Hogan to Syria;
or is that more of a job for Tonya Harding?
>> Zach, he's not our ambassador.
> What should we do about North IKEA? North K —
>> Why don't we move on?
> I have to know, what is it like to be the last black president?
>> Seriously? What's it like for this to be the last time you ever talk to a president?
> It must kind of stink, though, that you can't run you know three times.
>> You know, actually, I think it's a good idea.
You know, if I ran a third time, it would be sort of like doing a third "Hangover" movie.
That didn't really work out very well, did it? [awkward silence]
I have to say that I've seen this show before
and some of the episodes have probably been a little bit better than this.
You know, for example, the one with Bradley Cooper. That was a great episode.
> [mumbling] Bradley Cooper. Everybody loves him.
>> He kind of carried that movie, didn't he? > Which -- which film are you speaking of?
>> Those "Hangover" movies. Basically, he carried them.
> Yeah, everybody loves Bradley. Good for him!
>> Good-looking guy.
> Being like that in Hollywood, that's easy. Tall, handsome — That's easy.
Be short, fat, and smell like Doritos and try to make it in Hollywood.
[papers rustling]
Is it going to be hard in two years
when you're no longer president and people will stop letting you win at basketball?
>> How does it feel having a 3-inch vertical?
> It's a 3-inch horizontal, so...[scoffs]
[awkward silence]
Where are you planning on building a Presidential Library?
In Hawaii? Or your home country of Kenya?
Because, I mean, both places seem like they would be —
>> Zach, that's a ridiculous question.
> Well, you know, I mean, not to bring up the birth certificate thing,
but you really never did really produce your —
>> Where's your birth certificate? Why don't you show it to us right now?
> I don't want to show anybody my birth certificate because it's embarrassing.
>> What's embarrassing about it?
> My weight on it. It says that I was born at 7 pounds 800 ounces.
You know what I would do if I were president, Mr. President?
I would make same-sex divorce illegal, then see how bad they want it.
>> I think that's why you're not President, and that's a good thing.
> You said if you had a son, you would not let him play football.
What makes you think that he would want to play football? What if he was a nerd, like you?
>> Do you think a woman like Michelle would marry a nerd?
Why don't you ask her whether she thinks I'm a nerd?
> Could I? >> No. I'm not going to let her near you.
> So do you go to any websites that are dot-coms or dot-nets?
Or do you mainly just stick with the dot-govs?
>>Actually, we go to dot-govs. Have you heard of healthcare.gov?
> Here we go. [sighs heavily]
Okay, let's get this out of the way. What did you come here to plug?
>> Well, first of all, I think it's fair to say
that I wouldn't be with you here today if I didn't have something to plug.
Have you heard of the Affordable Care Act?
> Oh, yeah, I heard about that. That's the thing that doesn't work.
Why would you get the guy that created the Zune to make your website?
>> Healthcare.gov works great now,
and millions of Americans have already gotten health insurance plans.
And what we want is for people to know that you can get affordable health care.
Most young Americans — right now, they're not covered,
and the truth is that they can get coverage
all for what it costs you to pay your cell phone bill.
> Is this what they mean by drones?
>> The point is that a lot of young people — they think they're invincible.
> Did you say in "invisible"? Because, uh, I just think that's impossible.
>> No, not invisible. Invincible, meaning but they don't think they can get hurt.
> I'm just saying that nobody could be invisible, if you had said "invisible."
>> I understand that. > [clears throat]
>> if they get that health insurance, it can really make a big difference,
and they've got to March 31st to sign up.
> I don't have a computer, so how does — >> Well, then you can call 1-800-318-2596.
> I don't have a phone. I'm off the grid.
I don't want you people, like looking at my texts, if you know what I mean.
>> First of all, Zach, nobody's interested in your texts.
But second of all, you can do it in person,
and the law means that insurers can't discriminate against you
if you've got a pre-existing condition anymore.
> Yeah, but what about — What about this, though?
[silence]
>> That's disgusting. How long have you had that?
> Oh, just four months.
>> Really? > Spider bites. I got attacked by spiders.
>> Zach, you need to get that checked right away.
You need to get on healthcare.gov
because that's one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen.
> Is your plug finally over? >> Uhhh ... I suppose so.
> So which country were you rooting for in the Winter Olympics?
>> Seriously? I'm the President of the United States. What do you think, Zach?
[awkward silence]
> I want to thank President Obama for being on the show.
>> I'm going to press this. > Don't touch that, please.
[loud buzz]
[crumbling and crashing]
[Zach groans]
Thanks for the interview, and thanks for letting me shoot my show here all these years.
>> You've been shooting these shows here in the Diplomatic Room?
Who gave you permission to do that? > Bush.
>> Seriously?! Who gave him clearance?
[awkward silence]
> Watch the spider bite. >> That's the other hand.
> No, it's everywhere.
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