WEBVTT
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[ ♪ "Funny or Die" theme ♪ ]
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[ ♪ easy-listening jazz ♪ ]
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> Sorry I had to cancel a few times.
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I just -- [sighs] My mousepad broke last week
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and I had to get my great-aunt
some diabetes shoes, and —
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>> You know what, Zach?
It's no problem.
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I mean, I have to say, when I when I heard
that, like, people actually watch this show,
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I was actually pretty surprised.
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> [to PBO] Shh-shh!
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[to camera] Hi. Welcome to another
edition of "Between Two Ferns."
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I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
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and my guest today is Barack Oba —
President Barack Obama.
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>> Good to be with you, Zach.
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> First question: In 2013,
you pardoned a turkey.
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What do you have planned for 2014?
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>> We'll probably pardon another turkey.
We do that every Thanksgiving.
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Was that depressing to you?
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Seeing one turkey kind of taken out of
circulation? A turkey you couldn't eat?
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[awkward silence]
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> So how does this work?
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Do you send Ambassador Rodman
to North Korea on your behalf?
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I read somewhere that you'd be
sending Hulk Hogan to Syria;
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or is that more of a job for Tonya Harding?
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>> Zach, he's not our ambassador.
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> What should we do about North IKEA?
North K —
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>> Why don't we move on?
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> I have to know, what is it like
to be the last black president?
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>> Seriously? What's it like for this to be
the last time you ever talk to a president?
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> It must kind of stink, though,
that you can't run you know three times.
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>> You know, actually, I think it's a good idea.
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You know, if I ran a third time, it would be
sort of like doing a third "Hangover" movie.
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That didn't really work out very well, did it?
[awkward silence]
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I have to say that I've seen this show before
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and some of the episodes have
probably been a little bit better than this.
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You know, for example, the one with
Bradley Cooper. That was a great episode.
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> [mumbling] Bradley Cooper.
Everybody loves him.
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>> He kind of carried that movie, didn't he?
> Which -- which film are you speaking of?
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>> Those "Hangover" movies.
Basically, he carried them.
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> Yeah, everybody loves Bradley.
Good for him!
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>> Good-looking guy.
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> Being like that in Hollywood, that's easy.
Tall, handsome — That's easy.
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Be short, fat, and smell like Doritos
and try to make it in Hollywood.
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[papers rustling]
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Is it going to be hard in two years
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when you're no longer president and people
will stop letting you win at basketball?
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>> How does it feel
having a 3-inch vertical?
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> It's a 3-inch horizontal, so...[scoffs]
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[awkward silence]
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Where are you planning on
building a Presidential Library?
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In Hawaii? Or your home country of Kenya?
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Because, I mean, both places
seem like they would be —
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>> Zach, that's a ridiculous question.
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> Well, you know, I mean, not to
bring up the birth certificate thing,
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but you really never did really produce your —
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>> Where's your birth certificate?
Why don't you show it to us right now?
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> I don't want to show anybody my birth
certificate because it's embarrassing.
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>> What's embarrassing about it?
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> My weight on it. It says that I was
born at 7 pounds 800 ounces.
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You know what I would do if
I were president, Mr. President?
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I would make same-sex divorce illegal,
then see how bad they want it.
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>> I think that's why you're not
President, and that's a good thing.
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> You said if you had a son,
you would not let him play football.
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What makes you think that he would want to
play football? What if he was a nerd, like you?
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>> Do you think a woman like
Michelle would marry a nerd?
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Why don't you ask her
whether she thinks I'm a nerd?
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> Could I?
>> No. I'm not going to let her near you.
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> So do you go to any websites
that are dot-coms or dot-nets?
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Or do you mainly just stick with the dot-govs?
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>>Actually, we go to dot-govs.
Have you heard of healthcare.gov?
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> Here we go. [sighs heavily]
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Okay, let's get this out of the way.
What did you come here to plug?
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>> Well, first of all, I think it's fair to say
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that I wouldn't be with you here today
if I didn't have something to plug.
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Have you heard of the Affordable Care Act?
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> Oh, yeah, I heard about that.
That's the thing that doesn't work.
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Why would you get the guy that created
the Zune to make your website?
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>> Healthcare.gov works great now,
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and millions of Americans have
already gotten health insurance plans.
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And what we want is for people to know
that you can get affordable health care.
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Most young Americans —
right now, they're not covered,
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and the truth is that they can get coverage
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all for what it costs you
to pay your cell phone bill.
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> Is this what they mean by drones?
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>> The point is that a lot of young people —
they think they're invincible.
NOTE Paragraph
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> Did you say in "invisible"?
Because, uh, I just think that's impossible.
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>> No, not invisible. Invincible,
meaning but they don't think they can get hurt.
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> I'm just saying that nobody could
be invisible, if you had said "invisible."
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>> I understand that.
> [clears throat]
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>> if they get that health insurance,
it can really make a big difference,
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and they've got to March 31st to sign up.
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> I don't have a computer, so how does —
>> Well, then you can call 1-800-318-2596.
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> I don't have a phone. I'm off the grid.
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I don't want you people, like looking
at my texts, if you know what I mean.
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>> First of all, Zach,
nobody's interested in your texts.
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But second of all, you can do it in person,
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and the law means that insurers
can't discriminate against you
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if you've got a pre-existing condition anymore.
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> Yeah, but what about —
What about this, though?
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[silence]
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>> That's disgusting.
How long have you had that?
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> Oh, just four months.
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>> Really?
> Spider bites. I got attacked by spiders.
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>> Zach, you need to
get that checked right away.
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You need to get on healthcare.gov
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because that's one of the most
disgusting things I've ever seen.
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> Is your plug finally over?
>> Uhhh ... I suppose so.
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> So which country were you
rooting for in the Winter Olympics?
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>> Seriously? I'm the President of the
United States. What do you think, Zach?
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[awkward silence]
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> I want to thank President Obama
for being on the show.
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>> I'm going to press this.
> Don't touch that, please.
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[loud buzz]
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[crumbling and crashing]
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[Zach groans]
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Thanks for the interview, and thanks for
letting me shoot my show here all these years.
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>> You've been shooting these shows
here in the Diplomatic Room?
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Who gave you permission to do that?
> Bush.
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>> Seriously?! Who gave him clearance?
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[awkward silence]
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> Watch the spider bite.
>> That's the other hand.
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> No, it's everywhere.
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[ ♪ easy-listening jazz ♪ ]
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[ ♪ ♪ ]
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[ ♪ "Funny or Die" theme ♪ ]
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