[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.02,0:00:02.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[ ♪ "Funny or Die" theme ♪ ]
Dialogue: 0,0:00:02.69,0:00:05.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[ ♪ easy-listening jazz ♪ ]
Dialogue: 0,0:00:05.33,0:00:07.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> Sorry I had to cancel a few times.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:07.36,0:00:10.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I just -- [sighs] My mousepad broke last week
Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.77,0:00:13.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I had to get my great-aunt \Nsome diabetes shoes, and —
Dialogue: 0,0:00:13.41,0:00:15.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> You know what, Zach? \NIt's no problem.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:15.57,0:00:19.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I mean, I have to say, when I when I heard \Nthat, like, people actually watch this show,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:19.100,0:00:21.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I was actually pretty surprised.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:21.76,0:00:23.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> [to PBO] Shh-shh!
Dialogue: 0,0:00:23.24,0:00:25.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[to camera] Hi. Welcome to another \Nedition of "Between Two Ferns."
Dialogue: 0,0:00:25.92,0:00:28.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis,
Dialogue: 0,0:00:28.57,0:00:34.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my guest today is Barack Oba — \N{\i1}President{\i0} Barack Obama.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:34.37,0:00:35.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Good to be with you, Zach.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.79,0:00:39.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> First question: In 2013,\Nyou pardoned a turkey.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:39.46,0:00:42.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What do you have planned for 2014?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.85,0:00:46.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> We'll probably pardon another turkey.\NWe do that every Thanksgiving.
Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.36,0:00:48.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Was that depressing to you?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:48.20,0:00:52.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Seeing one turkey kind of taken out of\Ncirculation? A turkey you couldn't eat?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:52.97,0:00:56.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[awkward silence]
Dialogue: 0,0:00:56.94,0:00:58.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> So how does this work?
Dialogue: 0,0:00:58.26,0:01:00.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do you send Ambassador Rodman \Nto North Korea on your behalf?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:00.90,0:01:04.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I read somewhere that you'd be \Nsending Hulk Hogan to Syria;
Dialogue: 0,0:01:04.17,0:01:06.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or is that more of a job for Tonya Harding?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.15,0:01:08.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Zach, he's not our ambassador.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:08.64,0:01:12.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> What should we do about North IKEA?\NNorth K —
Dialogue: 0,0:01:12.34,0:01:15.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Why don't we move on?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:15.92,0:01:19.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,\N> I have to know, what is it like \Nto be the last black president?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:19.78,0:01:23.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Seriously? What's it like for this to be \Nthe last time you ever talk to a president?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.42,0:01:26.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> It must kind of stink, though,\Nthat you can't run you know three times.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:26.96,0:01:30.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> You know, actually, I think it's a good idea.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:30.55,0:01:34.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, if I ran a third time, it would be \Nsort of like doing a third "Hangover" movie.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.32,0:01:38.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That didn't really work out very well, did it?\N[awkward silence]
Dialogue: 0,0:01:38.20,0:01:40.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I have to say that I've seen this show before
Dialogue: 0,0:01:40.64,0:01:44.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and some of the episodes have \Nprobably been a little bit better than this.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.36,0:01:46.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know, for example, the one with \NBradley Cooper. That was a great episode.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:46.79,0:01:48.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> [mumbling] Bradley Cooper. \NEverybody loves him.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.24,0:01:54.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> He kind of carried that movie, didn't he?\N> Which -- which film are you speaking of?
Dialogue: 0,0:01:54.10,0:01:58.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Those "Hangover" movies. \NBasically, he carried them.
Dialogue: 0,0:01:58.84,0:02:01.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> Yeah, everybody loves Bradley. \NGood for him!
Dialogue: 0,0:02:01.12,0:02:02.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Good-looking guy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:02.52,0:02:05.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> Being like that in Hollywood, that's easy.\NTall, handsome — That's easy.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:05.48,0:02:07.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Be short, fat, and smell like Doritos\Nand try to make it in Hollywood.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.97,0:02:10.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[papers rustling]
Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.39,0:02:12.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it going to be hard in two years
Dialogue: 0,0:02:12.66,0:02:16.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when you're no longer president and people \Nwill stop letting you win at basketball?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:16.12,0:02:19.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> How does it feel \Nhaving a 3-inch vertical?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:19.14,0:02:22.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> It's a 3-inch horizontal, so...[scoffs]
Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.21,0:02:24.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[awkward silence]
Dialogue: 0,0:02:24.42,0:02:26.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Where are you planning on \Nbuilding a Presidential Library?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:26.19,0:02:29.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In Hawaii? Or your home country of Kenya?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:29.25,0:02:31.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because, I mean, both places \Nseem like they would be —
Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.54,0:02:33.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Zach, that's a ridiculous question.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:33.29,0:02:35.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> Well, you know, I mean, not to\Nbring up the birth certificate thing,
Dialogue: 0,0:02:35.86,0:02:37.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but you really never did really produce your —
Dialogue: 0,0:02:37.71,0:02:40.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Where's your birth certificate?\NWhy don't you show it to us right now?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:40.07,0:02:42.69,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> I don't want to show anybody my birth \Ncertificate because it's embarrassing.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:42.69,0:02:43.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> What's embarrassing about it?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:43.56,0:02:50.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> My weight on it. It says that I was\Nborn at 7 pounds 800 ounces.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.31,0:02:53.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know what I would do if\NI were president, Mr. President?
Dialogue: 0,0:02:53.34,0:02:58.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would make same-sex {\i1}divorce{\i0} illegal,\Nthen see how bad they want it.
Dialogue: 0,0:02:58.14,0:03:02.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I think that's why you're not \NPresident, and that's a good thing.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:02.25,0:03:05.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> You said if you had a son,\Nyou would not let him play football.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:05.60,0:03:08.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What makes you think that he would {\i1}want{\i0} to \Nplay football? What if he was a nerd, like you?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.54,0:03:12.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Do you think a woman like \NMichelle would marry a nerd?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.88,0:03:15.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why don't you ask her \Nwhether she thinks I'm a nerd?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:15.08,0:03:19.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> Could I?\N>> No. I'm not going to let her near you.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:19.78,0:03:22.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> So do you go to any websites \Nthat are dot-coms or dot-nets?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:22.70,0:03:26.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Or do you mainly just stick with the dot-govs?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.67,0:03:31.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>>Actually, we go to dot-govs. \NHave you heard of healthcare.gov?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:31.35,0:03:33.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> Here we go. [sighs heavily]
Dialogue: 0,0:03:33.24,0:03:35.71,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Okay, let's get this out of the way. \NWhat did you come here to plug?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:35.71,0:03:37.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Well, first of all, I think it's fair to say
Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.81,0:03:41.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,\Nthat I wouldn't be with you here today\Nif I didn't have something to plug.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:41.31,0:03:43.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Have you heard of the Affordable Care Act?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:43.30,0:03:45.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> Oh, yeah, I heard about that.\NThat's the thing that doesn't work.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:45.78,0:03:49.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why would you get the guy that created \Nthe Zune to make your website?
Dialogue: 0,0:03:49.75,0:03:53.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Healthcare.gov works great now,
Dialogue: 0,0:03:53.60,0:03:56.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and millions of Americans have \Nalready gotten health insurance plans.
Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.27,0:04:01.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And what we want is for people to know \Nthat you can get affordable health care.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:01.39,0:04:04.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Most young Americans — \Nright now, they're not covered,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.55,0:04:07.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the truth is that they can get coverage
Dialogue: 0,0:04:07.60,0:04:12.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,all for what it costs you \Nto pay your cell phone bill.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:12.49,0:04:15.52,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> Is this what they mean by drones?
Dialogue: 0,0:04:15.52,0:04:18.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> The point is that a lot of young people —\Nthey think they're invincible.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:18.78,0:04:24.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> Did you say in "invisible"? \NBecause, uh, I just think that's impossible.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:24.20,0:04:28.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> No, not invisible. {\i1}Invincible{\i0},\Nmeaning but they don't think they can get hurt.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:28.99,0:04:31.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> I'm just saying that nobody could \Nbe invisible, if you had said "invisible."
Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.20,0:04:34.07,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I understand that.\N> [clears throat]
Dialogue: 0,0:04:34.07,0:04:37.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> if they get that health insurance,\Nit can really make a big difference,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:37.18,0:04:39.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they've got to March 31st to sign up.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:39.12,0:04:44.81,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> I don't have a computer, so how does —\N>> Well, then you can call 1-800-318-2596.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:44.81,0:04:46.100,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> I don't have a phone. I'm off the grid.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:46.100,0:04:50.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I don't want you people, like looking \Nat my texts, if you know what I mean.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:50.89,0:04:52.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> First of all, Zach, \Nnobody's interested in your texts.
Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.66,0:04:55.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But second of all, you can do it in person,
Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.98,0:04:58.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and the law means that insurers \Ncan't discriminate against you
Dialogue: 0,0:04:58.78,0:05:01.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you've got a pre-existing condition anymore.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:01.49,0:05:05.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> Yeah, but what about —\NWhat about this, though?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:05.78,0:05:08.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[silence]
Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.87,0:05:11.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> That's disgusting. \NHow long have you had that?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:11.75,0:05:13.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> Oh, just four months.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:13.89,0:05:18.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Really?\N> Spider bites. I got attacked by spiders.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:18.14,0:05:20.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Zach, you need to \Nget that checked right away.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:20.11,0:05:23.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You need to get on healthcare.gov
Dialogue: 0,0:05:23.34,0:05:25.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because that's one of the most \Ndisgusting things I've ever seen.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.34,0:05:30.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> Is your plug finally over?\N>> Uhhh ... I suppose so.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.67,0:05:33.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> So which country were you \Nrooting for in the Winter Olympics?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:33.65,0:05:38.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Seriously? I'm the President of the \NUnited States. What do you think, Zach?
Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.97,0:05:42.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[awkward silence]
Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.37,0:05:45.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> I want to thank President Obama \Nfor being on the show.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:45.37,0:05:46.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> I'm going to press this. \N> Don't touch that, please.
Dialogue: 0,0:05:46.91,0:05:49.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[loud buzz]
Dialogue: 0,0:05:49.40,0:05:51.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[crumbling and crashing]
Dialogue: 0,0:05:51.48,0:05:53.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[Zach groans]
Dialogue: 0,0:05:53.13,0:06:00.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thanks for the interview, and thanks for\Nletting me shoot my show here all these years.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:00.14,0:06:04.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> You've been shooting these shows \Nhere in the Diplomatic Room?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.53,0:06:09.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Who gave you permission to do that?\N> Bush.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:09.84,0:06:12.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,>> Seriously?! Who gave him clearance?
Dialogue: 0,0:06:12.85,0:06:17.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[awkward silence]
Dialogue: 0,0:06:17.63,0:06:20.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> Watch the spider bite.\N>> That's the other hand.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.34,0:06:22.36,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,> No, it's everywhere.
Dialogue: 0,0:06:22.36,0:06:26.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[ ♪ easy-listening jazz ♪ ]
Dialogue: 0,0:06:26.28,0:06:30.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[ ♪ ♪ ]
Dialogue: 0,0:06:30.25,0:06:33.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[ ♪ "Funny or Die" theme ♪ ]
Dialogue: 0,0:06:33.95,0:06:36.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,sro	\N