Dealing with addictions | by Ajahn Brahm | 19 June 2015
-
0:00 - 0:03And why we do this,
and how we can get out of it. -
0:03 - 0:06But where - if we start
off with physical addictions - -
0:06 - 0:13and so the first thing, obviously,
is to realize that it is a problem. -
0:13 - 0:19And it's really crazy that people have got
so much ego, they always want to be right, -
0:19 - 0:21they don't admit their faults -
-
0:21 - 0:25until they cause so much problems
for other people and themselves. -
0:25 - 0:28So you don't need a doctor or
a psychiatrist to tell you -
0:28 - 0:32you're addicted to certain things,
it should be obvious to you. -
0:32 - 0:36And first of all, we take
the stigma away from these things. -
0:36 - 0:39You don't need to blame yourself,
you're not a second class person, -
0:39 - 0:42not inferior because you
get addicted to these things. -
0:42 - 0:45It just happens to some people.
-
0:45 - 0:49So, one of the nice things which I have
always learned is not to judge people, -
0:49 - 0:53not to think that you are superior,
because you're free of all these things -
0:53 - 0:59and these other people are just low-lifes.
No, this is just part of our world. -
0:59 - 1:02And we look upon addiction, you know,
-
1:02 - 1:05just like any other
sickness, any other illness. -
1:05 - 1:09If you’ve got the flu, you know
you are treated, you are cared for. -
1:09 - 1:13And so, one thing which I've
always been teaching people: -
1:13 - 1:16There's a lot of sickness
around this time of the year, -
1:16 - 1:21I say coughs and sneezes and many of
you may have gone to see the doctor -
1:21 - 1:24in the last one month,
but how many of you, -
1:24 - 1:27when you go to see the
doctor, tell the doctor: -
1:27 - 1:32‘Doctor, there is something wrong with me,
I've got an irritation in my throat. -
1:32 - 1:34There's something wrong with me,
-
1:34 - 1:38my stools are coming
out all wet and runny. -
1:38 - 1:42There's something wrong with me,
I've got a pain here, an ache there.’ -
1:42 - 1:44Why do you say that?
-
1:44 - 1:51There's nothing wrong with
being sick! It’s part of life. -
1:51 - 1:54Can you put your hand up,
if there's anyone in this room, -
1:54 - 1:58who's never been sick in your life?
-
1:58 - 2:03Be honest, has anyone never been sick?
-
2:03 - 2:06Wow, I mean you've all
been sick from time to time. -
2:06 - 2:08So being sick is normal.
-
2:08 - 2:12In fact, it’d be really abnormal
if you'd never been sick, -
2:12 - 2:15you’d get all these doctors
doing tests on you to find out -
2:15 - 2:18what the heck's going on!
-
2:18 - 2:21That’d be really wrong with
you, if you never got sick. -
2:21 - 2:23So why is it, when
you go and see the doctor, -
2:23 - 2:25the first thing you say is:
-
2:25 - 2:28‘Doctor there's something
wrong with me, I'm sick?' -
2:28 - 2:31Straight away, you're
stigmatizing sickness. -
2:31 - 2:35So I ask you, and I tell you,
I've been telling this for years: -
2:35 - 2:38If you have to go see the doctor tomorrow,
next week, next month, this year, -
2:38 - 2:41please tell the doctor, when you
go into his room or her room: -
2:41 - 2:47‘Doctor, there's something right
with me, I'm sick again.’ [laughter] -
2:50 - 2:54Now honestly, that
changes the whole ballgame. -
2:54 - 2:58You don't get stigmatized, you don't
feel afraid of going to see the doctor, -
2:58 - 3:01you don't think there's
something wrong with you. -
3:01 - 3:04It's normal, it's okay to be sick.
-
3:04 - 3:05So don't ever think:
-
3:05 - 3:08‘There's something wrong
with me, I've got an addiction’. -
3:08 - 3:12Say: ‘There's something right
with me, I've got an addiction’. -
3:12 - 3:16So straight away, you're
not stigmatizing it. -
3:16 - 3:18Which means more people
will actually acknowledge -
3:18 - 3:20they've got a problem.
-
3:20 - 3:25But sometimes, you may have someone
in your family or a friend who's addicted -
3:25 - 3:28to all these sorts of stupid stuff.
-
3:28 - 3:31So how can you actually to do that?
-
3:31 - 3:39And this little idea, it's a very hard
thing to do, but it actually works. -
3:39 - 3:44And this came from looking at one of
the old friends who was a monk with me, -
3:44 - 3:46years and years and years ago.
-
3:46 - 3:49When one of the people we know very well -
-
3:49 - 3:54he's a very, very good monk, but he
couldn't stop having sexual fantasies, -
3:54 - 3:56he was addicted to sexual fantasies.
-
3:56 - 3:59So he went to see the
great Ajahn Chah and he said: -
3:59 - 4:02‘What can I do to stop these things?
I want to be a monk, I want to meditate, -
4:02 - 4:05how can I stop my
addiction to sexual fantasies?’ -
4:05 - 4:09‘Very easy. All you need to do is
the next time there's a public talk, -
4:09 - 4:13you get up and give the talk and
tell them exactly what you're thinking. -
4:13 - 4:15All your sexual fantasies in detail.
-
4:15 - 4:17People are very interested,
they'll probably listen -
4:17 - 4:20all the while through’.
[laughter] -
4:23 - 4:27But of course, that's far too
embarrassing, he never did it. -
4:27 - 4:29But that's the thing,
to admit what you're doing. -
4:29 - 4:33And so, if you won't admit it,
if you, sort of, got a drinking problem, -
4:33 - 4:37a gambling problem or
any other sort of problem… -
4:37 - 4:39Especially drinking
problems or drug problems. -
4:39 - 4:42One of the good things
to do, say a drinking problem: -
4:42 - 4:46you've got a partner or a parent
or a kid who's got a drinking problem - -
4:46 - 4:51when they're drunk,
get out your mobile phone, -
4:51 - 4:54video them. Video them,
because the trouble is, -
4:54 - 4:57when people who are addicted
and they’re misbehaving, -
4:57 - 4:59they’re addicted to anger or something,
-
4:59 - 5:01always shouting at you
and misbehaving, -
5:01 - 5:04they don't know what they're doing.
-
5:04 - 5:06They're drunk, which
means they're not aware. -
5:06 - 5:10They’re angry, which is
a form of emotional drunkness. -
5:10 - 5:12You know, you’re not in your right mind.
-
5:12 - 5:14So take a video of them
-
5:14 - 5:21and when they're sober or when their
anger - they're relaxed - show it to them. -
5:21 - 5:25Say "this is what you look like,
you know, when you, sort of, -
5:25 - 5:29you come home from the casino,
when you come home from, you know, -
5:29 - 5:32if you’re addicted to gambling,
when you come home after getting drunk, -
5:32 - 5:35this is what you look like."
Show it to them. -
5:35 - 5:38Very often that is a
big eye-opener for them, -
5:38 - 5:41because they don't know what
they look like or how they behave. -
5:41 - 5:43When they see it on a screen,
-
5:43 - 5:48whooo, that really shows them
objectively what they're like. -
5:48 - 5:51That's like a mindfulness exercise,
being aware of what it's like. -
5:51 - 5:55And if that doesn't stop them,
getting some sort of treatment, -
5:55 - 5:57then go to the next stage
-
5:57 - 6:01and post that video on YouTube.
[laughter] -
6:01 - 6:05That will work for sure,
when they get embarrassed - -
6:05 - 6:07this is what they're
like where they get drunk, -
6:07 - 6:11that will give them a great incentive
to do something about the problem. -
6:11 - 6:13That's the first thing:
-
6:13 - 6:18to realize it is a problem,
with these addictive behaviours. -
6:18 - 6:21Number two, how do we -
once we realize it’s a problem - -
6:21 - 6:23how do we overcome it?
-
6:23 - 6:30You know, the first thing, way to
overcome it, is just temporary - -
6:30 - 6:34just give up that addiction
for, say, a week or something. -
6:34 - 6:37Because, number one, people
with addictions, they think: -
6:37 - 6:40‘Ah, I'm in control,
I can give it up any time, -
6:40 - 6:43smoking - no problem, I just
don't want to give it up’. -
6:43 - 6:44And as one smoker said, he said:
-
6:44 - 6:47‘Well, what happened, it
doesn't really matter, smoking. -
6:47 - 6:51You smoke, you die; you give
it up, you die; both way, you die - -
6:51 - 6:55what's the problem?’
That's not the point. -
6:55 - 6:59It's how you die
and how soon you die. -
6:59 - 7:01But a lot of times, they
don't think it's a problem. -
7:01 - 7:04So if they really
think they're in control, -
7:04 - 7:08try giving it up just
for a short period of time. -
7:08 - 7:14Now, for monks and nuns, we have
a period called a Rains Retreat. -
7:14 - 7:17It's coming up soon,
the end of next month. -
7:17 - 7:22June? Yes. It’s June? July, yes, July the
26th, we have our Entry to the Rains Day. -
7:22 - 7:26And that means, after that time,
for three months we don't come here. -
7:26 - 7:29Because if we came here every Friday,
-
7:29 - 7:34then you’d take us for granted and
you wouldn't appreciate us anymore, -
7:34 - 7:37all these jokes you
wouldn't really appreciate, -
7:37 - 7:42which is a good segue for
the today's really bad joke. -
7:42 - 7:44So those people who
don't like bad jokes, -
7:44 - 7:46get out now or put
your fingers in your ears, -
7:46 - 7:48because here's a terrible one.
-
7:48 - 7:52It's about addictions and the
problem, realizing this is a problem. -
7:52 - 7:57Because there was this poor
man who had intestinal worms. -
7:57 - 8:00And he went to see the
doctor and the doctor said: -
8:00 - 8:04‘Well, there's two treatments, it’s
the chemical pills, the medication’ – -
8:04 - 8:08he said: ‘I don't like these
modern chemicals, I don't trust them, -
8:08 - 8:11they do terrible things to the body’ –
‘So we got the natural way’ – -
8:11 - 8:12‘So I'll have the natural way’.
-
8:12 - 8:16So it's a bit uncomfortable,
but it always works 100%. -
8:16 - 8:22‘I'll take the natural way’, he said.
‘Ok, well, every day, for the next week, -
8:22 - 8:27exactly at noon, 12:00 noon precisely,
I want you to put a suppository, -
8:27 - 8:34up your backside, of a mini
cheese sandwich. [laughter] -
8:34 - 8:41And five minutes later, put another
suppository: a mini chocolate bar. -
8:41 - 8:43And do that for seven days
-
8:43 - 8:47and come back for your next
appointment one week from today at 11:45.’ -
8:47 - 8:49He did that, very uncomfortable,
-
8:49 - 8:52a bit embarrassing, but
he followed the orders. -
8:52 - 8:55When he went back for his
next appointment, he said: -
8:55 - 8:59‘I can still feel the worms
inside, you know, it didn't work!’ -
8:59 - 9:02He said: ‘This is the
last part of the treatment.’ -
9:02 - 9:04And so, you know, trousers down,
-
9:04 - 9:09on the bench, and then the
doctor put, exactly at twelve noon, -
9:09 - 9:13another cheese sandwich
suppository up his backside -
9:13 - 9:18and then waited with a hammer.
[laughter] -
9:19 - 9:24Five past twelve, no chocolate bar.
Ten past twelve, no chocolate bar. -
9:24 - 9:26Quarter past twelve,
-
9:26 - 9:29this little head came
out and the worm said: -
9:29 - 9:31‘Aaay, where's my chocolate bar?’
-
9:31 - 9:33Whack! with a hammer,
-
9:33 - 9:38and that was the end of the worm.
[laughter] -
9:41 - 9:44Now that shows what
addiction does to you. -
9:44 - 9:48That little worm was addicted
to a chocolate bar -
9:48 - 9:52at five past twelve every day for a week,
-
9:52 - 9:56and that caused its death.
-
9:56 - 10:01We don't think it's an addiction,
but it does kill us. -
10:01 - 10:05I think I heard that when
I was a kid, but anyway it's a nice one. -
10:05 - 10:08Stupid one, but who cares.
-
10:08 - 10:10So, it's the addictions, they do kill us.
-
10:10 - 10:12Once we realize there's a problem,
there’s something we can do. -
10:12 - 10:14The first thing is just
give it up for a little while. -
10:14 - 10:18Can you do without a chocolate bar,
little worm, it's only for a day. -
10:18 - 10:21That gives you an idea
how strong the addiction is. -
10:21 - 10:26So we have our three months Rains Retreat,
so we often give up things for three months. -
10:26 - 10:30Believe it or not, that one
year people kept on telling me: -
10:30 - 10:34‘Ajahn Brahm, you’re addicted to tea.
You always have your cup of tea. -
10:34 - 10:37Cup of tea in the morning,
cup of tea in the afternoon.’ -
10:37 - 10:40I said: ‘okay, I'm going to
give it up for three months’. -
10:40 - 10:42And then all the monks
came up to me and said: -
10:42 - 10:45‘Please don't do that’.
I said: ‘why not?’ - -
10:45 - 10:47‘Because’, they said,
‘another monk tried that -
10:47 - 10:51and he was a pain in the butt
for three months without his tea - -
10:51 - 10:53he was such an awful person to live with’.
-
10:53 - 10:56'Well no', I said: ‘I'm going to
try it to see if I'm addicted to it.’ -
10:56 - 10:58So I gave it up for three months.
-
10:58 - 11:00I was very happy,
very peaceful, no problem at all. -
11:00 - 11:03This is actually how you see
whether you're addicted to something. -
11:03 - 11:06Give it up for a little
while, just temporarily. -
11:06 - 11:10Now the point is, if you
say 'just give it up totally’, -
11:10 - 11:14sometimes for some
people that's too scary. -
11:14 - 11:20And the nice thing is, you can give it up
just for a week and then see what happens. -
11:20 - 11:24It's a little bit of a trick psychology,
because if you give it up for a week, -
11:24 - 11:27what happens is – you know, you can
go back again, it's not so scary, -
11:27 - 11:29when it's not ultimate
-
11:29 - 11:31‘I have to give it up
forever, that's it, no more.’ -
11:31 - 11:34Actually, that's the
way our monasticism works. -
11:34 - 11:37As a monk, you can stay as a monk
or a nun however long you like - -
11:37 - 11:40if you don't like it, you can
leave and go back into the world again. -
11:40 - 11:42So there's no fear in it.
-
11:42 - 11:45You're making a commitment:
‘Oh my god, do I really want to do this?’ -
11:45 - 11:47You know, ‘do I have to go back again?’
-
11:47 - 11:51Sometimes it's the same with -
we shouldn't say this - with marriages, -
11:51 - 11:54you know, it's never a one way street,
if it doesn't work out, you know, -
11:54 - 11:56you give it everything you've got,
you can always leave again. -
11:56 - 11:59And you know what we call -
because this is Buddhism – -
11:59 - 12:01and you know what we
call divorce in Buddhism? -
12:01 - 12:04We don't call it 'divorce' anymore,
we call it – -
12:04 - 12:06'recycling'. Yes, we call it recycling.
[laughter] -
12:06 - 12:09'Cause no one gets divorced in
Buddhism, they get recycled. -
12:09 - 12:13Some people have been recycled many times.
[laughter] -
12:13 - 12:16It happens, you know, sometimes
they start, sometimes they end. -
12:16 - 12:22So the nice thing is that you don't have
this fear that if you make a decision, -
12:22 - 12:25you’ll have to live with that
for the whole rest of your life. -
12:25 - 12:29It's like, there's no way out.
There's no U-turn possible. -
12:29 - 12:31And that is really scary.
-
12:31 - 12:34So with addictions, if we can do,
say, just give it up for, say, -
12:34 - 12:37a month or two months or
six weeks or whatever - -
12:37 - 12:39give yourself a time.
-
12:39 - 12:42And you know this… there's a
way out, if it's too hard for you. -
12:42 - 12:49Which means, number one, you're
more likely to try giving it up. -
12:49 - 12:53And number two: what usually happens
is when you do give up an addiction, -
12:53 - 13:01you feel so free, you feel empowered,
you feel good about yourself, self-esteem… -
13:01 - 13:03You've done something difficult.
-
13:03 - 13:07And that empowerment,
that lift of self-esteem, -
13:07 - 13:10that degree of happiness and freedom -
-
13:10 - 13:16that is what often counteracts
you taking up that addiction again. -
13:16 - 13:18'Cause that's what I did,
when I was a young man, -
13:18 - 13:21I was a Buddhist and my
teacher kept on telling me: -
13:21 - 13:22‘You shouldn't drink alcohol’.
-
13:22 - 13:26I liked my beer, I didn't like the other
stuff, but beer, I used to love beer. -
13:26 - 13:30And he said: ‘No, you can't take that
anymore, you're a Buddhist, you meditate. -
13:30 - 13:32‘Do I really have to?’
He said: ‘yes, you do’, -
13:32 - 13:35so I said: ‘okay I'll give it a try.’
-
13:35 - 13:39And as soon as I tried
it, just giving up beer, -
13:39 - 13:43I felt this great sense
of power inside of me. -
13:43 - 13:46It was like I had the choice
and I was exercising the choice. -
13:46 - 13:51I could take it or leave it, I was
proving to myself I could leave it. -
13:51 - 13:56And I could go into a party
and still enjoy myself and have… -
13:56 - 14:01Actually, I found out it
was more fun when I was sober. -
14:01 - 14:04Okay, I was only 18-19 at the time.
-
14:04 - 14:06The best time at a party,
when you find a nice girl, -
14:06 - 14:11you’re in the corner, messing around…
when I used to have beer and alcohol, -
14:11 - 14:14I didn't remember that part.
[laughter] -
14:16 - 14:19And that was the best part.
-
14:19 - 14:24And when I was sober,
I had much more fun. -
14:24 - 14:27And so little things
like that, ordinary things, -
14:27 - 14:30meant you started to
enjoy yourself more. -
14:30 - 14:33Which meant, what's the
point of going back to alcohol? -
14:33 - 14:36And I was a student at the time
it cost so much money, -
14:36 - 14:38I had so much more money
to use for other things. -
14:38 - 14:40So what was actually happening,
-
14:40 - 14:46I was trying to give up these addictions
just for short time, see what happens. -
14:46 - 14:49And number one, you felt strength
inside of yourself, inner strength – -
14:49 - 14:52you’ve done something
which was difficult to do. -
14:52 - 14:55And number two,
you enjoyed yourself more. -
14:55 - 14:58Now that's with the other
addictions which people have. -
14:58 - 15:01If you ask them to give it up
forever, sometimes they never will, -
15:01 - 15:03it's just too much.
-
15:03 - 15:07Just for a short time. That's why we
do have things like Rains Retreats. -
15:07 - 15:11You know, we have, say,
in traditional Buddhist countries, -
15:11 - 15:13they are Poya Days.
-
15:13 - 15:19Or Wan Khao in Thailand, the moon days,
when you spend one day a week being good. -
15:19 - 15:22Giving up alcohol,
not arguing with your wife, -
15:22 - 15:26'wa-wa-wa', whatever it is,
one day just trying to stop yourself. -
15:26 - 15:29You can go back again the next day.
-
15:29 - 15:34That means you test yourself out,
can you do it? And what's it like? -
15:34 - 15:36What's it like, to be
free of those addictions? -
15:36 - 15:38What's it like, not to
have to go to the casino? -
15:38 - 15:42What's it like, to do, sort of, seven days
without watching any porn on the internet? -
15:42 - 15:45What's it like?
-
15:45 - 15:48And then, when you actually do that for
seven days, you can go back afterwards. -
15:48 - 15:53It means you've got a bit more control.
And then, you can exert more control. -
15:53 - 15:57And the nice thing is,
you feel really powered by this. -
15:57 - 16:00And you feel good, you feel free.
-
16:00 - 16:05You realize, once you have
that perspective of being free, -
16:05 - 16:09that it's the porn
is controlling you. -
16:09 - 16:13It's actually, you're in a
prison, you have to have your hit. -
16:13 - 16:15You have to have that pleasure of drugs.
-
16:15 - 16:19You have to have that pleasure,
whatever it is you're addicted to. -
16:19 - 16:23And you see that only when
you're free. For just a week. -
16:23 - 16:26And that will give you the
wisdom, experience, you can do it, -
16:26 - 16:30you know the benefits, you've tried
it out, just a bit of an experiment – -
16:30 - 16:32then, that empowers you.
-
16:32 - 16:36And it's usually that pretty easy,
to actually to stop it afterwards. -
16:36 - 16:41But once you do stop it afterwards,
sometimes there’s always a big danger -
16:41 - 16:43of just going back again.
-
16:43 - 16:48Just, what’s it called, just regressing,
getting back into that addiction. -
16:48 - 16:52'Oh I'll just try it,
just for old time’s sake’. -
16:52 - 16:59Or any excuse. Now the problem is,
that it's so easy to actually be… -
16:59 - 17:03get off an addiction, but
it's hard to keep off it. -
17:03 - 17:05For a long period of time.
-
17:05 - 17:07So keeping off it,
that's a difficult one. -
17:07 - 17:13And it's something we learned,
in meditation especially, -
17:13 - 17:17which is called
‘programming your mindfulness’. -
17:17 - 17:21And I've used this a lot for
all types of stuff in meditation, -
17:21 - 17:24but also with dealing with addictions.
-
17:24 - 17:28For example, there's this
guy smoking and he said: -
17:28 - 17:32‘I try to give up smoking, I'd give it up
for a week, two weeks, but then, suddenly, -
17:32 - 17:37there's a cigarette in my mouth
and I don't know what happened. -
17:37 - 17:41It's just a habit which is so
ingrained in me that, you know, -
17:41 - 17:44I don't know what I'm doing
and there - I'm smoking again. -
17:44 - 17:47I don't know how I got there.'
-
17:47 - 17:51And it is because a lot
of addictions are habits -
17:51 - 17:54and a habit is something
you're not really aware of. -
17:54 - 17:55Just like the driving,
-
17:55 - 17:58you can be driving
and talking to somebody -
17:58 - 18:01and it's so automatic,
you don't really think about it. -
18:01 - 18:05It's like breathing, it’s like
your heart beating, is like digesting. -
18:05 - 18:10It becomes an autonomous physical process
which you don't have to think about. -
18:10 - 18:14You just do it.
Your attention is somewhere else. -
18:14 - 18:17Now, so what we do
here to get the mindfulness -
18:17 - 18:22coming in to the key
area here, say with smoking: -
18:22 - 18:25I get the smoker who keeps on regressing…
-
18:25 - 18:28Or it's.. I always forget what it is,
'regressing' is good enough - -
18:28 - 18:29going back to smoking.
-
18:29 - 18:34I say: 'Now, what I want you to do,
when you're calm, quiet, peaceful, -
18:34 - 18:39when you're feeling happy, when
you've got some mindfulness and energy, -
18:39 - 18:40make a resolution.
-
18:40 - 18:44Say to yourself something like:
I will not pick up that first cigarette. -
18:44 - 18:48I will not pick up that first cigarette.
I will not pick up that first cigarette.' -
18:48 - 18:52Say that to yourself.
Much slower than I said it. -
18:52 - 18:54And pay as full attention
as you possibly can. -
18:54 - 18:56And then forget it.
-
18:56 - 19:00And it's incredible how that
works, it's like self-hypnosis, -
19:00 - 19:04auto-conditioning, whatever you call it -
I call it ‘programming your awareness’, -
19:04 - 19:05your mindfulness.
-
19:05 - 19:09And what happens is,
because you put that suggestion in, -
19:09 - 19:13the guy is about to
pick up the cigarette, -
19:13 - 19:15usually he would not
be aware of that at all, -
19:15 - 19:19until it was in the mouth
already lit and smoke coming out. -
19:19 - 19:21But because they put
that suggestion in, -
19:21 - 19:26suddenly you become aware as you're
about to pick up that first cigarette. -
19:26 - 19:29It's like an anti-virus
you put into your computer. -
19:29 - 19:31That's why I call it
‘programming your mindfulness’. -
19:31 - 19:35And if you don't believe me,
there's a very simple exercise -
19:35 - 19:37I will ask you to do tonight.
-
19:37 - 19:39And that is, if you
haven't done this before, -
19:39 - 19:42the first time I did this
it really shocked me, -
19:42 - 19:44just how effective this is.
-
19:44 - 19:47What time are you going
to get up tomorrow morning? -
19:47 - 19:50Say, for example, it is 4 o'clock
in the morning like the monks. -
19:50 - 19:53Anyone getting up at
4 o'clock in the morning? -
19:53 - 19:57Ok, let's try another time.
Say, it's 8 a.m., say. -
19:57 - 19:598 a.m., is that still too
early for some of you? -
19:59 - 20:04Well, let's just say 8:30,
for the sake of the argument. -
20:04 - 20:08You want to get up at
8:30 tomorrow morning. -
20:08 - 20:15Set your alarm clock for 8:35,
just to give you some sense of security - -
20:15 - 20:18if this doesn't work
you're only going to lose five minutes. -
20:18 - 20:23And then, as you go to bed tonight,
you’re tucked in, nice and comfortable, -
20:23 - 20:27on your pillow, eyes shut,
say to yourself: -
20:27 - 20:34‘I will wake up at 8:30 a.m.
I will wake up at 8:30 a.m. -
20:34 - 20:38I will wake up at 8:30 a.m.’
-
20:38 - 20:42Say that to yourself three
times in your own words, -
20:42 - 20:49pay full attention to it and
afterwards forget it and go to sleep. -
20:49 - 20:54And you will be so surprised,
tomorrow morning, if you do this -
20:54 - 20:57according to the instructions, your
eyes will open up tomorrow morning, -
20:57 - 20:59and: ‘What time is it?’
-
20:59 - 21:05You look at the clock: 1 or 2 minutes
either side of 8:30. It's so effective. -
21:05 - 21:09When I first did that as an
18 year old, I thought: ‘This is weird.’ -
21:09 - 21:13You know, I'm not checking the
clock - is it 8:20 yet, 8:25 yet, -
21:13 - 21:15I'm not checking the clock.
-
21:15 - 21:19I just give the instructions into
my brain and it does it all by itself - -
21:19 - 21:21autonomous timekeeping.
-
21:21 - 21:23And once you start doing that,
-
21:23 - 21:27you understand just how you can
program your mind for almost anything. -
21:27 - 21:29And I often do that.
-
21:29 - 21:33You may be surprised to know
I'm an incredibly busy monk, -
21:33 - 21:34I do so many things.
-
21:34 - 21:40I am not CEO, I'm CEM,
Chief Executive Monk, -
21:40 - 21:45of many Buddhist communities and
societies and stuff all over the world. -
21:45 - 21:47And it's so much stuff to be able to do.
-
21:47 - 21:53But, if I have something I need to do,
say tomorrow I must give somebody a call. -
21:53 - 21:57I don't really need to, sort of,
you know, put it in a diary or just… -
21:57 - 22:00I don't have a smartphone
anyway to be reminded, -
22:00 - 22:02or put string around your fingers.
-
22:02 - 22:06If I have something really important
to do, I just close my eyes and say: -
22:06 - 22:09'I must remember to
ring up the president - -
22:09 - 22:11not of the United States -
of the Buddhist Society. -
22:11 - 22:14I must remember to ring up the
president of the Buddhist Society -
22:14 - 22:16tomorrow at half-past nine.
-
22:16 - 22:18I must remember to
ring her up at half-past nine. -
22:18 - 22:21I must remember to ring up
the president of the Buddhist Society -
22:21 - 22:23half past nine tomorrow.'
-
22:23 - 22:25And I've done that so
many times, I trust it. -
22:25 - 22:29I just say it to myself,
pay full attention, forget it. -
22:29 - 22:31And it's incredible,
I'm doing something else, -
22:31 - 22:35reading a newspaper tomorrow morning -
you know, I have to do a lot of paperwork -
22:35 - 22:41as a monk, but paperwork is a newspaper.
[laughter] -
22:41 - 22:47Anyway, there we go, having to
sort of, reading something, -
22:47 - 22:48and then just the thought comes up:
-
22:48 - 22:52‘Oh, you've got to ring
up the president today’. -
22:52 - 22:55It just comes up by itself,
you programmed it into your mind -
22:55 - 22:58and it works so well.
-
22:58 - 23:01That, you know, I trust in that
now and it makes life so much easier, -
23:01 - 23:05you don’t have to keep worrying…
about, it’s your partner's birthday, -
23:05 - 23:08sort of, on Sunday: ‘I must
remember to get her a present, I must…’ -
23:08 - 23:11And you keep forgetting.
Just tell yourself: ‘I must remember -
23:11 - 23:15tomorrow morning to
get my partner a present.’ -
23:15 - 23:20And you don't forget then.
It saves a lot of suffering! -
23:20 - 23:24Try it, but especially with addictions.
-
23:24 - 23:26Whatever the problem is,
you know, I won't, sort of, -
23:26 - 23:30open up the first bottle
of beer or something. -
23:30 - 23:35You just tell yourself that.
It means that the habit is broken. -
23:35 - 23:40It arouses mindfulness at
the coalface of addictions, -
23:40 - 23:44the first time you're
about to break the addiction. -
23:44 - 23:48Because otherwise,
it becomes so hard. -
23:48 - 23:51As some addict of heroin told me:
-
23:51 - 23:56‘I have to say no a thousand
times a day to keep off the heroin. -
23:56 - 24:00I only have to say yes once
and I'm back on it again.’ -
24:00 - 24:03He said it's almost impossible.
-
24:03 - 24:07Imagine that and say you
don't have to do it that way. -
24:07 - 24:10All you need to do is
program your mindfulness. -
24:10 - 24:13You don't always have to be alert.
-
24:13 - 24:16All you need to do
is to say to yourself: -
24:16 - 24:21‘I won't pick up that
first piece of heroin’. -
24:21 - 24:24And then you go about
your daily business, -
24:24 - 24:30not stressed, not tense, and you
find when you need the instructions, -
24:30 - 24:32then they are there for you.
-
24:32 - 24:37Just like a virus, an antivirus
sits in your computer doing nothing, -
24:37 - 24:43until the time it's needed, and
then it switches on and stops you. -
24:43 - 24:52So that is how we get our mindfulness to
work on the important parts of our life. -
24:52 - 24:58Now, it's not just addictions to things
like the drugs and heroin and gambling -
24:58 - 25:01and pornography and other
stuff which we have in life. -
25:01 - 25:05One of the things we get addicted to,
which, you know, I'm focusing on now, -
25:05 - 25:08because it's such a great
shame, I've seen this too often: -
25:08 - 25:14husbands and wives or partners
speaking badly to each other. -
25:14 - 25:18And you know what it's like, the old joke:
in the first year of marriage, -
25:18 - 25:21the husband - no,
the wife listens to the husband; -
25:21 - 25:25in the second year of marriage,
the husband listens to the wife; -
25:25 - 25:28and the third year of marriage,
the neighbours listen to both of them. -
25:28 - 25:30[laughter]
-
25:30 - 25:36You can tell how long people have been
married by how they speak to one another. -
25:36 - 25:40And you get into this terrible
bad habit of, you know, being nasty -
25:40 - 25:44and saying bad things at each other,
and one person said something bad, -
25:44 - 25:48you say bad back and it
just gets really terrible. -
25:48 - 25:52And the two people, they love each
other, they really care for each other, -
25:52 - 25:56it's just a bad habit of
speech towards one another. -
25:56 - 26:02And I use programming mindfulness
to teach people - don't do that. -
26:02 - 26:06And this is all you need to do,
because it's a habit, that's all it is. -
26:06 - 26:12And it's a habit which gets, you know,
established by living with someone -
26:12 - 26:16for such a long time and of course,
you know, sometimes we’re in a bad mood, -
26:16 - 26:20we say something bad, and we give it
worse back and then they give it back, -
26:20 - 26:26it's tit-for-tat, it goes worse and
worse and it becomes such a bad habit. -
26:26 - 26:30So how we overcome those bad
habits, those addictions of bad speech? -
26:30 - 26:32It’s that just when
our partner's not there, -
26:32 - 26:37when we're resting and peaceful
somewhere, we say to ourselves: -
26:37 - 26:42‘When my partner said something bad
to me, I will say something nice back. -
26:42 - 26:45When she says something
bad, I will say something nice. -
26:45 - 26:47When she says something
bad, I will say something nice.’ -
26:47 - 26:50Whatever it is, in your own words,
-
26:50 - 26:55instruct your mind
and then forget about it. -
26:55 - 26:59Don't need to be tense walking
on eggshells with your partner. -
26:59 - 27:04And you'll be amazed how it works.
You know, she gets a bit narky at you -
27:04 - 27:07or he says something
really, sort of, uncalled for, -
27:07 - 27:11and you're about to follow the old habit
- and say ‘no I'm not going to do that’. -
27:11 - 27:14You become aware there's another
opportunity, another possibility, -
27:14 - 27:16you say something nice.
-
27:16 - 27:21You break the habit, you say
something nice, when she calls you: -
27:21 - 27:23‘You're late again’.
-
27:23 - 27:26He said: ‘Yes, but I was
I was missing you all the time, -
27:26 - 27:31and I'm just looking forward to this
moment to actually come…’ [laughter] -
27:31 - 27:33Whatever it is, something like that.
-
27:33 - 27:40And it really works, because it breaks
this bad habit, this tit-for-tat stuff. -
27:40 - 27:45And it means that you can change
the way you talk to one another. -
27:45 - 27:49If there is something to
talk to the other person about, -
27:49 - 27:52something they really
need to be told about, -
27:52 - 27:55don't just go into that way of speaking.
-
27:55 - 27:58If you want to change
the behaviour of your partner -
27:58 - 28:00‘cause they're doing something wrong,
-
28:00 - 28:04don't talk to them like that when
they come home from work all tired, -
28:04 - 28:10stressed, they've just had enough already.
Take them out to dinner. -
28:10 - 28:13Take them out to dinner to
their favourite restaurant, -
28:13 - 28:17three or four courses and I guarantee,
-
28:17 - 28:21at the last course you can
tell your partner anything. -
28:21 - 28:27They'll be so softened up that it
will actually go in, they'll listen. -
28:27 - 28:31That's the way to tell someone
they've done something wrong. -
28:31 - 28:34Treat them first, you've got
to soften them up first of all. -
28:34 - 28:37And then you can put the pill in
and then they’ll maybe swallow it. -
28:37 - 28:41Because they're in a good
mood and they're not so tired. -
28:41 - 28:45But don't go this tit-for-tat business.
That's the bad habit. -
28:45 - 28:47Now we've also got
the bad habits of speech, -
28:47 - 28:51the bad habits of thoughts
which we have sometimes. -
28:51 - 28:55People get negative and this is one of
those addictions which no one can see. -
28:55 - 29:01Yeah, they can see if you're addicted
to drinking, gambling, what else… -
29:01 - 29:04oh, you know all the
addictions people can have.. -
29:04 - 29:08But the addiction of bad thinking..
-
29:08 - 29:10And that's actually the core
of all these other addictions, -
29:10 - 29:14just that we get into
bad habits of thought. -
29:14 - 29:18And of course, one of the worst of
those bad habits, those addictions, -
29:18 - 29:22is the fault-finding mind.
-
29:22 - 29:26When I came across this in Buddhism,
in the teachings of the Buddha, I thought: -
29:26 - 29:28‘Wow, what a great concept!’.
-
29:28 - 29:33It’s like a mind which gets addicted
always to finding faults in things. -
29:33 - 29:42And I remember just an example of this,
when I was visiting my mother in London -
29:42 - 29:49some years ago and I was just walking from
her apartment to a temple to give a talk, -
29:49 - 29:56and I passed these two
young men waiting for a bus. -
29:56 - 29:59And they were sitting on a wall.
-
29:59 - 30:04But unfortunately, the wall was not
flat, it was round bricks on the top. -
30:04 - 30:06And they were complaining:
-
30:06 - 30:11‘They should not allow walls to be
built like this, they should all be flat’. -
30:11 - 30:16But my goodness! You can complain
about anything, what's wrong with that? -
30:16 - 30:19At least you've got somewhere to put
your bum on, you don't have to stand! -
30:19 - 30:21Yeah, it may not be flat,
but it's good enough - -
30:21 - 30:23what do you want, all the walls,
-
30:23 - 30:27the garden walls, to be upholstered
with cushions and backrests for you? -
30:27 - 30:29[laughter]
-
30:29 - 30:35But you find that even in an advanced
country, you can always find some fault. -
30:35 - 30:39And that becomes such
a bad habit of people. -
30:39 - 30:44And you go to work,
you find fault with your boss. -
30:44 - 30:47You find, just, ‘my boss is stupid’.
-
30:47 - 30:52But you should always think, if he was
intelligent, would he have employed you? -
30:52 - 30:56[laughter]
-
30:56 - 31:05That's a good reflection.
So, they pay you to go to work, -
31:05 - 31:08what do you think they pay you for?
-
31:08 - 31:11You know, to put up with all this
rubbish from the boss and the manager -
31:11 - 31:20and all this other stuff. Your salary is a
bribe to do something you'd rather not do. -
31:20 - 31:24So if you really enjoyed your
work, go and tell your boss. -
31:24 - 31:27And then he would deduct...
he would halve your salary: -
31:27 - 31:32‘Oh, she enjoys working here,
why should I pay her?’ [laughter] -
31:32 - 31:34So remember, don't be so fault-finding.
-
31:34 - 31:39And look, you only have to
work five days a week these days. -
31:39 - 31:41You know, six days a week sometimes,
-
31:41 - 31:45people used to have to work seven days
a week, you know, in the olden times, -
31:45 - 31:48eight days a week,
four hundred days a year… -
31:48 - 31:49At least that's what it felt like
-
31:49 - 31:52in some of these sweatshops
and stuff like that, but -
31:52 - 31:55you know, we have it good today.
-
31:55 - 32:00Beautiful houses,
where we have the better entertainment, -
32:00 - 32:02just a flick of a switch…
-
32:02 - 32:08More than, sort of, you know,
emperors and kings and queens would have. -
32:08 - 32:11They didn't have the
entertainment you have. -
32:11 - 32:19And the soft beds and the air cons to keep
it cool or keep it warm when it's cold. -
32:19 - 32:23How can you complain,
when you've got what you've got? -
32:23 - 32:28So this is one of the reasons why
that fault-finding mind is an addiction. -
32:28 - 32:34And it's an addiction which makes us so
negative, that even a beautiful partner, -
32:34 - 32:39we always find fault with her or him.
And as I keep on saying to you, -
32:39 - 32:44please understand that
your guy sitting next to you, -
32:44 - 32:48if you get rid of him
and get another one, -
32:48 - 32:51it's exactly the same.
[laughter] -
32:51 - 32:54If you haven't learned
this yet, you soon will. -
32:54 - 33:00Guys, they're all the same.
[laughter] -
33:00 - 33:04Girls, they're all the same too.
-
33:04 - 33:14They may have a different chassis,
but the same engine inside. [laughter] -
33:14 - 33:18It’s what they’re like, so stick with
the one you’ve got, it's good enough, -
33:18 - 33:20for goodness sake.
-
33:20 - 33:24And the most important thing,
stop trying to find fault with them! -
33:24 - 33:27Now, that is the addiction.
-
33:27 - 33:30We always get to this point
of always being so negative, -
33:30 - 33:34finding fault with our
partner, fault with our kids… -
33:34 - 33:36Remember when you were a kid?
-
33:36 - 33:40Your mum and dad? ‘You're not
studying hard enough, clean up your room, -
33:40 - 33:43take the trash out!’. And you do
all of that and they still find fault, -
33:43 - 33:47you're not doing well enough at
school, you're only getting Bs, get As. -
33:47 - 33:50Which is one of the reasons why I tell
kids these days, when they get an F – -
33:50 - 33:55you know what ‘F’ means at school?
Fantastic. [laughter] -
33:55 - 33:57‘E’ means ‘Excellent’.
-
33:57 - 34:02‘A’ means ‘Arrogant’.
So if you get an A at school – arrogant. -
34:02 - 34:06You're just up yourself.
[laughter] -
34:06 - 34:15‘F’ for fantastic, ‘E’ for excellent,
‘D’ for damn brilliant. [laughter] -
34:15 - 34:18Give your kids a bit of a break!
-
34:18 - 34:21So you praise them instead
of finding fault with them! -
34:21 - 34:27And honestly, if you've
got kids, just be mindful. -
34:27 - 34:31How often do you praise them and
how often do you tell them off? -
34:31 - 34:39How often do you find fault with them?
And you complain about how kids behave? -
34:39 - 34:41Listen to how you speak to them.
-
34:41 - 34:44Listen to how you speak to your partner.
-
34:44 - 34:47Listen to how your
boss speaks to the workers. -
34:47 - 34:51You can understand why there’s
so much unhappiness and stress. -
34:51 - 34:56A little bit of praise
instead of fault-finding. -
34:56 - 35:02And get off that addict addiction to
finding fault and then much of depression, -
35:02 - 35:06anger, will disappear in this world.
-
35:06 - 35:10You get fault-finding. You come
here and there's a traffic jam. -
35:10 - 35:14Why are you finding fault? You're
in a car, it’s nice and comfortable! -
35:14 - 35:17You’re enjoying
yourself in a traffic jam. -
35:17 - 35:20You can just relax,
you don't have to go fast, -
35:20 - 35:24you don't have to worry about being
caught by the speed cops and the cameras. -
35:24 - 35:27I must, I have to tell everybody, I think…
-
35:27 - 35:30How many speeding fines has
our monastery car got last month, -
35:30 - 35:32about three or four I think?
-
35:32 - 35:39Something like that,
it’s very embarrassing. [laughter] -
35:39 - 35:43We're supposed to be mindful and
good and stuff like that, oh crikey. -
35:43 - 35:47[laughter]
-
35:47 - 35:52Now you see, we make faults. And so we
laugh at them, we tell everyone about them. -
35:52 - 35:54[laughter]
-
35:54 - 36:02But. Stop finding faults. One of the faults
I haven't told you for a long time now - -
36:02 - 36:04I don't know if I told
this a couple of weeks ago, -
36:04 - 36:09that when I first, I’ve been… when I first
came here, it was about 32 years ago now, -
36:09 - 36:12and I think it was another
monk who was the head monk -
36:12 - 36:13for about the first 10 or 11 years.
-
36:13 - 36:16So the last 20 or 21 years,
I've been the boss monk. -
36:16 - 36:18And when I first started…
-
36:18 - 36:22You know, you always think you’re a bit
of a control freak when you first start. -
36:22 - 36:25So about the first six
months after taking over, -
36:25 - 36:29I was walking through the
grounds of our monastery and I found - -
36:29 - 36:37some stupid, careless monk had left a hammer
out in the grounds and it's getting rusty. -
36:37 - 36:40And you know that
everything we get -
36:40 - 36:42is your generosity,
your donations. -
36:42 - 36:48You put $5 or $2, you know,
in the box there and that's how we live. -
36:48 - 36:52Our food, you bring to
the monastery every day. -
36:52 - 36:56We don't buy this ourselves,
it's your generous donations. -
36:56 - 37:00And I thought that some sort
of senseless monk had just thought -
37:00 - 37:05this was just a stupid old hammer,
left it out in the bush to get rusty - -
37:05 - 37:08they weren’t caring for your donations!
-
37:08 - 37:11And if you found out that you give
something and we don't care for it, -
37:11 - 37:17we just leave it out to get
rusty, you'd be rightfully upset. -
37:17 - 37:22Why give charity if it's not respected?
-
37:22 - 37:27So I thought this was a very good
opportunity to give a talk to all my monks. -
37:27 - 37:30So I had a special meeting in the hall.
-
37:30 - 37:34And you know, it wasn't…
this time there was not one joke. -
37:34 - 37:38This was serious.
I blasted them and told them: -
37:38 - 37:41‘Look, we live on charity,
you’ve got to respect charity. -
37:41 - 37:45And who knows who gave this hammer,
might be somebody on a pension, -
37:45 - 37:49who saved up for that, because they like
the monks, they like having a monastery, -
37:49 - 37:52they love Buddhism, they wanted to
help out and they gave a monk… -
37:52 - 37:56maybe they saved up
for weeks for that hammer. -
37:56 - 37:59And you, somebody, just left
it out in the bush to get rusty, -
37:59 - 38:06you didn't care about it. That is not on.
You can't do that, that is improper!' -
38:06 - 38:09I was really fierce.
-
38:10 - 38:16And I don't get fierce these days,
as you will soon find out the reason why. -
38:16 - 38:20Because after about 45 minutes of that,
all of the monks - -
38:20 - 38:23not one of them was sleepy, they
were all sitting up dead straight. -
38:23 - 38:25You know, it’s when you
get told off like that, -
38:25 - 38:30you know, everyone
gets so straight and afraid. -
38:30 - 38:34And then, we finished
the talk and I was waiting. -
38:34 - 38:37I waited for about three or
four minutes for the offender -
38:37 - 38:40to put their hand up to
confess - yeah, it was them. -
38:40 - 38:45I would have forgiven them. You know,
I'd done enough, I told them off. -
38:45 - 38:47But not one monk put their hand up.
-
38:47 - 38:52No one. And that was the
worst part of the whole thing. -
38:52 - 38:56I thought maybe I've gone a bit
over the top, I scared them too much. -
38:56 - 39:01But as long as you confess and say you've
done something wrong, that's fair enough. -
39:01 - 39:04And I left that hall
so disappointed and sad -
39:04 - 39:08that the monks didn't
have enough guts to confess. -
39:08 - 39:15And as I walked out the hall,
I realised why they hadn't confessed. -
39:15 - 39:19Because it suddenly came back to me
that I had left the hammer outside. -
39:19 - 39:21[laughter]
-
39:21 - 39:25It was me!
And I'd forgot all about it. -
39:25 - 39:29And it was only after
I told all the monks off, -
39:29 - 39:32really gave it to them,
and then I remembered. -
39:32 - 39:35That was one of the most
embarrassing moments in my life, -
39:35 - 39:37as I went back in the hall:
‘Could you all please sit down, -
39:37 - 39:41I've got an announcement to make’.
[laughter] -
39:41 - 39:47'It was me.' Have you ever done that?
In public? I'm sure you have, -
39:47 - 39:50it is very embarrassing,
but at least I admitted it. -
39:50 - 39:55And everyone laughed. But that's
what happens when you’re fault finding. -
39:55 - 39:58You know, if you live in a fault-finding
world and you soon, you know, -
39:58 - 40:01it comes back at you, it's Kamma.
-
40:01 - 40:04So do you want to live
in a world like that? -
40:04 - 40:06Always finding fault and being negative?
-
40:06 - 40:11Because if you do,
you'll get a lot of depression, anger, -
40:11 - 40:14you get angry at anybody,
you can't live with anybody, -
40:14 - 40:18until you get to the point:
‘No one's good enough’. -
40:18 - 40:22You don't allow your
partner to make mistakes, -
40:22 - 40:28until you get so fault-finding
you can't even live with yourself. -
40:28 - 40:33That's called depression.
And that is also sometimes suicide. -
40:33 - 40:35You can't live with yourself anymore.
-
40:35 - 40:41The fault-finding has become so addictive,
you can see nothing good in you. -
40:41 - 40:44Or in anyone, or in life.
-
40:44 - 40:48That is the addiction
I'm focusing on this evening. -
40:48 - 40:55And it's so easy to overcome.
Just, first of all, notice - -
40:55 - 41:00just that is an addiction.
A mental addiction to negativity. -
41:00 - 41:03And to overcome it,
once you realize it's an addiction, -
41:03 - 41:08just have, say, half an hour
of no negativity. -
41:08 - 41:10Just to try it out, temporarily -
-
41:10 - 41:13you can always go back to your
fault fighting mind afterwards. -
41:13 - 41:16By sitting down and meditating.
-
41:16 - 41:21Remember the meditation it's not finding
fault, it's being at peace with yourself. -
41:21 - 41:24Being at peace with your stupid mind.
-
41:24 - 41:27It can go all over the place,
it can be absolutely ridiculous, -
41:27 - 41:30you can fall asleep -
you don't find fault. -
41:30 - 41:33That is the attitude which we've
tried to instill in this place -
41:33 - 41:36on a Friday evening.
-
41:36 - 41:39I still remember this case,
when just over there somewhere, -
41:39 - 41:45many years ago, during the
meditation, somebody laid down, -
41:45 - 41:51fell asleep and started snoring.
Many years ago this happened. -
41:51 - 41:55And three or four people woke her
up and I gave a talk afterwards - -
41:55 - 41:57I said: 'What did you do that for?'
-
41:57 - 42:03And I told that that particular woman,
this was maybe 15-20 years ago, -
42:03 - 42:08she was a victim of
really severe domestic abuse. -
42:08 - 42:12And she came here,
she hadn't slept for weeks; -
42:12 - 42:15she came here on a
Friday evening and she… -
42:15 - 42:21this was the first time
she felt safe, protected. -
42:21 - 42:28So she laid down, she went to sleep.
I said: ‘Please, next time, let her sleep’. -
42:28 - 42:33Because we didn't know why,
we were fault-finding. -
42:33 - 42:36If you can stop
fault finding for a while, -
42:36 - 42:39then you can understand why
people do the things they do. -
42:39 - 42:42Sometimes, your husband
comes and he’s negative to you -
42:42 - 42:44because he's had a really
difficult day at work. -
42:44 - 42:48It's not him,
it's just the stress of life. -
42:48 - 42:51So please, let it go, forgive him.
-
42:51 - 42:55Sometimes managers, politicians,
monks, whatever it is, you know, -
42:55 - 42:59these difficulties we have
in life, we’re tired sometimes. -
42:59 - 43:04So, you always give people
the benefit of the doubt. -
43:04 - 43:07Big time benefit of the doubt.
-
43:07 - 43:12Even if it's so difficult to see
any benefit of any doubt whatsoever, -
43:12 - 43:17go to that higher level and
give the person forgiveness. -
43:17 - 43:20Don't be fault-finding, be forgiving.
-
43:20 - 43:23And then, with that
type of positive mind, -
43:23 - 43:28you'll find you have far
more fun and happiness in life. -
43:28 - 43:33Instead of seeing the faults in life,
you see just how beautiful this world is. -
43:33 - 43:37You don't just see the
lump of litter on the ground, -
43:37 - 43:40you see all the grass
around it, which is beautiful. -
43:40 - 43:43And you can actually pick the
litter up and just put it in the bin -
43:43 - 43:47instead of complaining about it.
The same with your partner in life – -
43:47 - 43:51yeah, they may not be the best, but,
quite frankly, they're pretty good. -
43:51 - 44:00Be honest. And you, you're not the best.
But you are pretty good. -
44:00 - 44:04And when you look at yourself like
that, you can have such a happy life. -
44:04 - 44:06And then you appreciate things,
-
44:06 - 44:08rather than always trying
to find fault with things. -
44:08 - 44:13We spent hundreds of years
trying to make a better world. -
44:13 - 44:19Have we made a better world?
Or have we made a more angry world? -
44:19 - 44:23Fault finding instead of appreciation.
-
44:23 - 44:26Sort of, always pointing out, you know:
‘You're late’. -
44:26 - 44:31'Thank you you've come at all.'
-
44:31 - 44:35'You know, you're not the most beautiful,
but yeah, you know, you've got a nice bum.' -
44:35 - 44:44That's good enough. [laughter]
But that sort of appreciation or whatever. -
44:44 - 44:51That means that we have fun in life,
instead of always being so negative. -
44:51 - 44:53And then, we get off our addiction
-
44:53 - 44:57to this negative fault finding
which you see so often in the world. -
44:57 - 45:02And it destroys people, destroys
their health, destroys everything. -
45:02 - 45:05So again, going back to where
I’ve started: even sickness - -
45:05 - 45:11don't be fault-finding with sickness.
There's nothing wrong with being sick. -
45:11 - 45:20So if you've got a cough, cough. [coughs]
Thank you. And if you're tired, be tired. -
45:20 - 45:26And give yourself a break.
And that means, when you see the doctor - -
45:26 - 45:29many doctors come here and
they say… they come and tell me: -
45:29 - 45:32‘I saw one of your students yesterday’ –
‘How'd you know it's my student?’ – -
45:32 - 45:35‘Because they came into
the consulting room and said: -
45:35 - 45:41‘There's something right with me,
[laughter] I've got cancer again’. -
45:41 - 45:43'That was one of Ajahn Brahm’s students.'
-
45:43 - 45:46But let that grow,
because that's a beautiful attitude. -
45:46 - 45:48Thank you for listening.
-
45:48 - 45:51Sadhu! Sadhu! Sadhu!
-
45:51 - 45:52Very good.
-
45:52 - 45:56Okay, so now we have the
questions from overseas. -
45:56 - 46:01See where we’ve got questions from today.
-
46:01 - 46:07Here we go, we've got from Malta,
Maldives, and the United States. -
46:07 - 46:10I don't know how you can find
fault if you are in the Maldives, -
46:10 - 46:15beautiful place. But you can.
From Malta, first of all – -
46:15 - 46:18‘Could stopping an
addiction such as alcoholism -
46:18 - 46:20make you addicted to
being a control freak? -
46:20 - 46:24Likewise, can addiction to
freedom also be accomplished?’ -
46:24 - 46:27Great question, because
sometimes people come up: -
46:27 - 46:31‘You're just addicted
to being a monk, Ajahn Brahm. -
46:31 - 46:35Come on, try being a
layperson for three months. -
46:35 - 46:40No, this is letting go.
You know, letting go of so many stuff. -
46:40 - 46:46Being free of alcohol, you are free, sort of,
you know, of the addiction to alcohol. -
46:46 - 46:51So don't try and mess around with words
and think freedom is an addiction. -
46:51 - 46:56That's an oxymoron, you can't be free
and be addicted at the same time, -
46:56 - 46:59freedom is the opposite of addiction.
-
46:59 - 47:04So when you do let go of stuff,
of course you're free! -
47:04 - 47:08This is what freedom feels like,
that's how we describe it. -
47:08 - 47:12So it's not being a control freak,
it's actually quite the opposite. -
47:12 - 47:17It is because the alcohol
controlled you, now you can let it go, -
47:17 - 47:19you can actually
control the alcoholism. -
47:19 - 47:23You know, if… sometimes people, if they
do want to drink at Christmas or something, -
47:23 - 47:26they can take one drink
and then they're fine, -
47:26 - 47:29they don't take the second drink,
because now they're in control again. -
47:29 - 47:32Instead of always having
to have a second drink. -
47:32 - 47:37They can go to the casino and
just, on a birthday or something, -
47:37 - 47:40'I'll get a hundred dollars,
I'm just going spend a hundred dollars -
47:40 - 47:43and once it's all gone, you know,
then I'm going to go home again.' -
47:43 - 47:46That's much different than the
person who has to keep winning -
47:46 - 47:50and they get into huge amounts
of debt because of that. -
47:50 - 47:55It's not being a control freak,
it’s being a wise person. -
47:55 - 47:58Control is much different.
Control is fault-finding. -
47:58 - 48:00Then we find control.
-
48:00 - 48:03When we don't find any fault,
there's nothing to control anymore. -
48:03 - 48:09Your partner is fine, so you don’t need
to control them, you just appreciate them. -
48:09 - 48:11From the Maldives:
-
48:11 - 48:14‘Can a feeling of pain,
for example a migraine, -
48:14 - 48:16become an addiction,
like addiction to thinking -
48:16 - 48:17over and over about the pain?
-
48:17 - 48:20I think this can happen
with most chronic diseases.’ -
48:20 - 48:24Now that's a very
interesting idea, because -
48:24 - 48:31I did go to a grief and loss conference
once, where I gave a really good, -
48:31 - 48:36what I thought was a good talk,
on how to overcome grief. -
48:36 - 48:38All the strategies which work…
-
48:38 - 48:43And then this woman came up,
she was a mother of one of the victims -
48:43 - 48:47of the Claremont serial killer, forgot
which one, but you know, her daughter -
48:47 - 48:51had disappeared, presumed dead,
and she was the mother. -
48:51 - 48:55And so she was going to all of these grief
and loss conferences throughout Australia. -
48:55 - 48:59When I gave her an opportunity
of letting go of her grief, -
48:59 - 49:02she came up to me almost
nose-to-nose and said: -
49:02 - 49:07‘What right have you
to take away my grief!?’ -
49:07 - 49:11And when she said that, that was
just an eye-opener to me, you know, -
49:11 - 49:14that she was addicted to her grief.
-
49:14 - 49:20That was who she was. That gave her
a lot of compassion from other people. -
49:20 - 49:28She'd become the grieving mother of
a victim of the Claremont serial killer. -
49:28 - 49:32And to take that away from her was taking
away much of who she thought she was. -
49:32 - 49:38And all the privileges which
came with the suffering as well. -
49:38 - 49:40So it is actually… there's
an interesting point in there, -
49:40 - 49:46can like a migraine
be an addiction to the pain? -
49:46 - 49:50Because all pain, they do
have some benefits to it. -
49:50 - 49:56Some sicknesses have benefits and
sometimes, if you see the benefits -
49:56 - 50:04with that condition, sometimes you take
the pain so you can have the benefits. -
50:04 - 50:08The story which makes this very clear…
-
50:08 - 50:12There was this guru,
when I was a young man, -
50:12 - 50:16called Ram Dass – you know,
this long-haired hippies, you know, -
50:16 - 50:21went to India, taking lots of drugs and
thinking that was spiritual awakening, -
50:21 - 50:25a weirdo, but he did say
some wise things as well. -
50:25 - 50:29And he went to United States,
got a few disciples, -
50:29 - 50:33‘cause he was from Harvard apparently.
He got a few disciples -
50:33 - 50:37and one of his lady disciples said:
‘Look, my father is really sick, -
50:37 - 50:40in constant pain in hospital,
can you come and visit him, -
50:40 - 50:43give him some counselling?’.
So he said: ‘Yeah I'll go in’. -
50:43 - 50:46So he went into one of these
hospitals in the United States. -
50:46 - 50:48And her father was
like a redneck, you know, -
50:48 - 50:53typical United States
Caucasian redneck. -
50:53 - 50:56So when he saw this hippie in
his robes and beads coming in, -
50:56 - 50:59he just: ‘What are you doing,
get out of here! -
50:59 - 51:02I'm not gonna listen to you, you freak!’
-
51:02 - 51:05And so, you know,
he wouldn't take any counselling. -
51:05 - 51:09So his daughter started
talking to her father. -
51:09 - 51:11And apparently Ram Dass,
nothing else to do, -
51:11 - 51:14decided to give this
patient a foot massage. -
51:14 - 51:18You know, just something nice to do.
And he's giving a foot massage, -
51:18 - 51:24and for the first time in days,
all the patient's pain disappeared. -
51:24 - 51:27The pain vanished,
it was like a miracle. -
51:27 - 51:31And this guy said:
‘Get off my feet, you freak!’ -
51:31 - 51:38He'd rather have the pain and have his
whole worldview and philosophy intact, -
51:38 - 51:42then get the pain away and having to face
that there was many things in his life -
51:42 - 51:45which he didn't understand.
-
51:45 - 51:50And that was a good example of addiction
to pain, rather than giving up your views -
51:50 - 51:55about what life is and what the
reality is or what religion is. -
51:55 - 51:57That was really quite
an interesting story. -
51:57 - 52:00So sometimes pain can be an addiction.
-
52:00 - 52:02And it's interesting
actually to explore that. -
52:02 - 52:06I mean often it probably isn't,
there's probably a physical reason there, -
52:06 - 52:09but it's worth exploring chronic pain.
-
52:09 - 52:16Is it because it's like another addiction?
Can you let it go? -
52:16 - 52:18Lastly, from the United States:
-
52:18 - 52:21‘I'm addicted to trying
to be more wise and mindful’. -
52:21 - 52:28Hahaha, give up, you've got no chance.
[laughter] -
52:28 - 52:33And then you're wise and mindful.
‘If it's our default habit to be unmindful, -
52:33 - 52:37is craving improvement in mindfulness
an addiction to non-acceptance?’ -
52:37 - 52:42Actually, the default position
is being mindful. -
52:42 - 52:44That's the default position.
-
52:44 - 52:49When you stop doing stuff,
you stop thinking about the future, -
52:49 - 52:53worrying about the past,
thinking about this, thinking about that. -
52:53 - 52:56The default position is silence.
-
52:56 - 52:58This is a meditation teaching
from Ajahn Chah, -
52:58 - 53:00he would hold up his hand,
[waves hand] -
53:00 - 53:04this is for Liza in the United States,
I'm not saying goodbye to you. -
53:04 - 53:08He said:
‘This hand represents a leaf on a tree. -
53:08 - 53:12And it only moves like this
because it's the wind blowing. -
53:12 - 53:17If the wind stops, the leaf still moves,
but less and less and less, -
53:17 - 53:20until it comes to a stop.
-
53:20 - 53:24Because the default position
of a leaf is to be still. -
53:24 - 53:29It's only the wind makes it move.'
And Ajahn Chah said: -
53:29 - 53:33‘The default position of
the human mind is to be still. -
53:33 - 53:39It's the wind of wanting something
makes you move.' -
53:39 - 53:44So actually, the default position
of the mind is to be still. -
53:44 - 53:45When you don't want anything.
-
53:45 - 53:47So if you try to be
more wise and mindful, -
53:47 - 53:51if you want wisdom,
if you want mindfulness, -
53:51 - 53:53you never achieve it.
-
53:53 - 53:56This is a deep teaching.
-
53:56 - 54:02If you stop all your wanting, your
leaf becomes perfectly still, your mind. -
54:02 - 54:07And now you understand what
mindfulness is, this is big mindfulness, -
54:07 - 54:09great stillness and huge wisdom.
-
54:09 - 54:12That's what we do in meditation retreats.
-
54:12 - 54:17That's what monks or nuns do,
we don't want anything. -
54:17 - 54:19When you don't want anything,
your mind becomes still – -
54:19 - 54:24but if you want to be still,
you never become still. -
54:24 - 54:32If you want mindfulness, if you
want anything, it always moves. -
54:32 - 54:37And you're agitated and
you're tired and you think. -
54:37 - 54:41But when you stop wanting,
the leaf moves less and less, -
54:41 - 54:44until it's perfectly still.
Yeah... -
54:46 - 54:49That's mindfulness and wisdom.
-
54:49 - 54:51And okay, I'm going to
put this one in as well. -
54:51 - 54:58This because I usually only do these ones,
these similes, on meditation retreats. -
54:58 - 55:01But it's great that I can
give it to you guys as well. -
55:01 - 55:07The best simile which
Ajahn Chah ever gave, in my opinion. -
55:07 - 55:11He gave this the first year I was a monk,
I forgot it for many years, -
55:11 - 55:14until I remembered it
and wow, this was brilliant. -
55:14 - 55:17And it is actually in
‘Good? Bad? Who knows?’, -
55:17 - 55:20the book, because I wanted
to put it in somewhere. -
55:20 - 55:23It’s never been published before.
-
55:23 - 55:29He said his monastery in the northeast
of Thailand was a mango orchard, -
55:29 - 55:33where the mango trees have
been planted by the Buddha. -
55:33 - 55:36Okay, this is not real,
this is a simile. -
55:36 - 55:40And he said, now every
one of those mango trees -
55:40 - 55:42in his monastery,
planted by the Buddha, -
55:42 - 55:47is full of hundreds of
sweet and delicious mangos. -
55:47 - 55:54But, he told us monks, and I tell you:
if you want one of those mangoes, -
55:54 - 55:58if you shake the tree,
no mango will fall. -
55:58 - 56:01If you climb the tree,
you'll never reach one. -
56:01 - 56:04If you throw a stick up,
none will fall. -
56:04 - 56:08Even no ladder is high
enough to reach them. -
56:08 - 56:13The only way, the only way
you can get one of those mangos, -
56:13 - 56:15from the trees planted by the Buddha,
-
56:15 - 56:19is to sit perfectly still
under the mango tree, -
56:19 - 56:24open up your hand and a mango will fall.
-
56:24 - 56:26That’s absolutely brilliant.
-
56:26 - 56:31Perfectly still, not wanting a thing
in the world, open up your heart -
56:31 - 56:39and all these mindfulness, wisdom,
enlightenment, it just falls in to your mind. -
56:39 - 56:42You try and climb the tree – no way.
-
56:42 - 56:47Shake it, you'll be shaking it
until you die. -
56:47 - 56:50Throw a stick up, and the stick
will hit you back on the head. -
56:50 - 56:58Sit perfectly still, open your
heart and then the mangoes fall. -
56:58 - 57:01Okay, thank you for listening.
-
57:01 - 57:06Sadhu! Sadhu! Sadhu! Very good
and thank you for overseas questions. -
57:06 - 57:11Any question here, by the way? Okay, you
can line up afterwards to ask a question. -
57:11 - 57:13So that's enough now, it's nine o'clock,
-
57:13 - 57:15so let's pay respects
to the Buddha, Dhamma, Sangha, -
57:15 - 57:19and then we can go
and do what we need to do. -
57:24 - 57:32Araham samma-sambuddho bhagava
-
57:32 - 57:39Buddham bhagavantam abhivademi.
-
57:41 - 57:47Svakkhato bhagavata dhammo
-
57:47 - 57:51Dhammam namassami.
-
57:53 - 58:01Supatipanno bhagavato savakasangho
-
58:01 - 58:05Sangham namami.
- Title:
- Dealing with addictions | by Ajahn Brahm | 19 June 2015
- Description:
-
Ajahn Brahm shares some techniques on how to deal with addictions. (Apologies for the clunky edit at the start!)
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The dharma talks recorded by the Buddhist Society of Western Australia at Dhammaloka Buddhist Centre in Perth, Western Australia. More resources are available at http://www.dhammaloka.org.au
If you like this channel and would like to find out more about meditation go to our meditation channel - https://www.youtube.com/user/DhammalokaMeditation
or to discover the teachings of the Buddha go to our sutta study channel - https://www.youtube.com/user/dhammalokasuttas - Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- Buddhist Society of Western Australia
- Project:
- Friday Night Dhamma Talks
- Duration:
- 58:29
Eug edited English subtitles for Dealing with addictions | by Ajahn Brahm | 19 June 2015 | ||
Eug edited English subtitles for Dealing with addictions | by Ajahn Brahm | 19 June 2015 | ||
Eug approved English subtitles for Dealing with addictions | by Ajahn Brahm | 19 June 2015 | ||
Eug accepted English subtitles for Dealing with addictions | by Ajahn Brahm | 19 June 2015 | ||
Eug edited English subtitles for Dealing with addictions | by Ajahn Brahm | 19 June 2015 | ||
Eug edited English subtitles for Dealing with addictions | by Ajahn Brahm | 19 June 2015 | ||
SasanaPL edited English subtitles for Dealing with addictions | by Ajahn Brahm | 19 June 2015 | ||
SasanaPL edited English subtitles for Dealing with addictions | by Ajahn Brahm | 19 June 2015 |