My story of love and loss as a transracial adoptee
-
0:01 - 0:02When I was three years old,
-
0:02 - 0:05I was transracially adopted
from South Korea -
0:06 - 0:09by a white family in Salt Lake City, Utah.
-
0:10 - 0:14I arrived in America with a mysterious
tattoo on my left forearm. -
0:14 - 0:17The tattoo was so large and noticeable
-
0:17 - 0:20that my adoptive parents
had it surgically removed right away. -
0:21 - 0:24They were worried that other kids
would make fun of it. -
0:24 - 0:27Today, there's only a light scar
where the tattoo once was, -
0:27 - 0:31so I've redrawn it in permanent marker
so you can see what it looked like. -
0:32 - 0:37Korean adoption records in 1976
were notoriously incomplete. -
0:37 - 0:40I didn't have any information
about my background -
0:40 - 0:41or my birth family.
-
0:42 - 0:46I didn't even know if my name
or birth date were real -
0:46 - 0:48or if they were assigned.
-
0:48 - 0:51And no one knew what my tattoo meant.
-
0:52 - 0:56Transracial adoption is where a child
from one race or ethnicity -
0:56 - 1:00is adopted by parents
from a different race or ethnicity. -
1:01 - 1:04In my generation, children
who were adopted from Korea -
1:04 - 1:08were assimilated into the culture
of their adoptive parents. -
1:08 - 1:10So I was raised as if I were white.
-
1:11 - 1:14Growing up, occasionally my family
would eat at a Korean restaurant, -
1:14 - 1:16or we'd go to the Asian festival.
-
1:17 - 1:20But I did not identify with being Asian.
-
1:21 - 1:23Looking back now,
-
1:23 - 1:27having my tattoo removed is symbolic
of losing a connection -
1:27 - 1:30with my Korean ethnicity and culture.
-
1:31 - 1:32And I am not alone.
-
1:32 - 1:37Since the 1950s, almost 200,000
Korean children have been adopted -
1:37 - 1:39all over the world.
-
1:40 - 1:44A growing body of research shows
that children experience trauma -
1:44 - 1:46when they're separated
from their families of origin. -
1:47 - 1:50My story includes such childhood trauma.
-
1:51 - 1:53I recently found out that my birth mother
-
1:53 - 1:56left my family shortly after I was born.
-
1:57 - 2:00When I was two years old,
my birth father became injured -
2:00 - 2:02and could not provide
for my brothers and me. -
2:03 - 2:07And so my two older brothers and I
were sent to children welfare services. -
2:08 - 2:13And there, someone decided,
because I was younger, -
2:14 - 2:16that I was more adoptable.
-
2:17 - 2:20And so, I was sent
to a separate orphanage, -
2:20 - 2:23separated from my brothers
who cared for me. -
2:25 - 2:27My adoption records say
that I wouldn't play -
2:27 - 2:30with any of the other
children at the orphanage, -
2:30 - 2:32and now I know why.
-
2:32 - 2:39My adoption photos show the picture
of a frightened, malnourished little girl. -
2:39 - 2:44Just imagine my culture shock
a short and lonely nine months later, -
2:44 - 2:45as I arrived in America,
-
2:46 - 2:48where everything was different:
-
2:48 - 2:50the people,
-
2:50 - 2:51the buildings,
-
2:51 - 2:53the food
-
2:53 - 2:54and the clothing.
-
2:55 - 2:57As a three-year-old child,
I quickly figured out -
2:58 - 3:01that no one spoke
the Korean language that I spoke, -
3:01 - 3:05and so I stopped speaking
altogether for six months. -
3:05 - 3:08And when I started speaking again,
it was in full English. -
3:09 - 3:11One of the first phrases I said
-
3:11 - 3:14as my parents showed me
my orphanage photos -
3:14 - 3:17was, "Sara sad."
-
3:19 - 3:22Children who are adopted
often put up emotional walls -
3:22 - 3:25to protect themselves
from being hurt again. -
3:25 - 3:27I certainly did this,
-
3:27 - 3:29and like many transracially
adopted children, -
3:29 - 3:32there were many moments growing up
where I wished that I was white -
3:32 - 3:34like the other kids around me.
-
3:35 - 3:38Other kids made fun of my eyes and nose.
-
3:38 - 3:41Now, the '80s styles were
particularly brutal to me, -
3:41 - 3:43with glasses that didn't fit well,
-
3:43 - 3:45hairstyles --
-
3:45 - 3:46(Laughter)
-
3:46 - 3:49that looked ridiculous on me.
-
3:49 - 3:50(Laughter)
-
3:51 - 3:56This narrative of adoption might be
uncomfortable for you to hear. -
3:57 - 4:01The narrative that we usually hear
is that of a new parent, -
4:01 - 4:04who is eagerly awaiting a child
that they've been wanting for so long. -
4:06 - 4:09The parents' story is told with love,
joy and excitement, -
4:09 - 4:12and as they bring a newly adopted
child into their home, -
4:12 - 4:16family and friends celebrate
and congratulate the parents -
4:16 - 4:18on their wonderful decision to adopt.
-
4:20 - 4:24My parents' adoption story was like
a beautiful blanket that kept me warm. -
4:26 - 4:30But after a while, it felt like
the focus was more on the blanket, -
4:30 - 4:33covering me and my point of view entirely.
-
4:33 - 4:35I couldn't emotionally breathe.
-
4:36 - 4:39My parents would say things to me like,
-
4:39 - 4:43"I fell in love with you
the first time I saw your photo. -
4:43 - 4:45My heart broke."
-
4:46 - 4:50They love me, I know that,
and I was wanted. -
4:52 - 4:56But I wish that the only birth
story I had wasn't so sad, -
4:56 - 4:58so humanitarian.
-
4:59 - 5:01I would often confuse love with gratitude,
-
5:01 - 5:05especially when other people
would say things to me like, -
5:05 - 5:08"You're so lucky to be
adopted to America," -
5:08 - 5:12or, "Your parents
are such angels to adopt you." -
5:13 - 5:17To a child, it felt like these comments
were constant reminders to be grateful -
5:17 - 5:19to my parents' charity.
-
5:19 - 5:22I resented that I couldn't
tell these adults, -
5:22 - 5:25"I don't like being reminded
all the time that I'm adopted. -
5:25 - 5:28I just want to be a normal kid,
-
5:28 - 5:32and maybe even be ungrateful
once in a while." -
5:32 - 5:33(Laughter)
-
5:34 - 5:38But I learned to smile
without really smiling, -
5:38 - 5:40and as I grew older,
I wanted to be able to say, -
5:40 - 5:43"Sara is still sad."
-
5:44 - 5:47But I buried my feelings,
and it wasn't until later in life -
5:47 - 5:51that I realized I'd never really
grieved my own adoption. -
5:52 - 5:54While many of us understand
that adopting a child -
5:54 - 5:58from a different race, culture
or country is never simple, -
5:58 - 6:00we rarely acknowledge the complex emotions
-
6:00 - 6:03that children who are adopted
can experience. -
6:03 - 6:07Some children experience feelings of loss,
-
6:07 - 6:09feelings of rejection,
-
6:09 - 6:10grief,
-
6:10 - 6:12shame,
-
6:12 - 6:13guilt,
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6:13 - 6:15challenges with identity,
-
6:15 - 6:17difficulty with intimacy
-
6:17 - 6:18and control issues.
-
6:18 - 6:21Just ask my kids.
-
6:21 - 6:22(Laughter)
-
6:22 - 6:28Children who are adopted
can still love their adoptive parents -
6:28 - 6:31at the same time as experiencing
these complex emotions. -
6:31 - 6:35And many of us wonder:
If we had had safe emotional spaces -
6:35 - 6:39to own our own stories
when we were younger, -
6:39 - 6:43would we still be struggling to come
to terms with adoption as adults? -
6:44 - 6:49Where do we find the emotional oxygen
to own our own stories? -
6:52 - 6:55Since the late 1990s and early 2000s,
-
6:55 - 6:59researchers like Dr. Richard Lee have
focused on different parenting techniques -
6:59 - 7:01for transracial adoption.
-
7:01 - 7:04The hope is to help children
and their adoptive parents -
7:04 - 7:08better adapt to their unique
racial and ethnic circumstances. -
7:08 - 7:10There's more enculturation encouraged,
-
7:10 - 7:13that exposes children to the people,
-
7:13 - 7:17places, languages and culture
of their birth families. -
7:17 - 7:20Some parents focus on racial inculcation
-
7:20 - 7:24to specifically work with their children
on the racism and discrimination -
7:24 - 7:27that they will experience
outside of the home. -
7:27 - 7:31And some parents allow children
to choose as they get older -
7:31 - 7:34the level of exposure to the culture
of their birth families. -
7:35 - 7:37Now, we might look
at these signs of progress -
7:37 - 7:41and think we've got it all figured out
when it comes to transracial adoption. -
7:42 - 7:47The Korean adoptees were the first
massive wave of international adoptions, -
7:47 - 7:51almost 30 years earlier
than most other countries, -
7:51 - 7:55and so there are entire generations
of Korean adoptees -- -
7:55 - 7:59from children all the way
to adults in their 70s -- -
7:59 - 8:02dealing with the impact
of their assimilation, -
8:02 - 8:05and there have only been
a handful of studies -
8:05 - 8:08that follow transracial adoptees
over a lifetime. -
8:10 - 8:14I know that people around me
could not understand my adoption grief. -
8:15 - 8:18Rachel Rostad, another Korean adoptee,
expressed what I was feeling -
8:18 - 8:19when she said,
-
8:20 - 8:23"Loss is especially confusing to measure
-
8:23 - 8:27when it appears as if
I haven't lost anything at all. -
8:28 - 8:30It's not missing like an organ.
-
8:30 - 8:34It's missing like wherever dreams go
when you blink awake -
8:34 - 8:36into the morning light."
-
8:37 - 8:40Every year, hundreds
of South Korean adoptees -
8:40 - 8:41search for their birth families.
-
8:42 - 8:47Korean agencies report
that less than 15 percent are successful. -
8:48 - 8:52Last year, I found my Korean birth family
in just three months. -
8:53 - 8:57I posted a photo of my redrawn
tattoo on social media, -
8:57 - 9:00which Korean groups generously shared.
-
9:01 - 9:03And a friend of my brother saw the photo,
-
9:03 - 9:07and he knew instantly
what the tattoo meant. -
9:09 - 9:12When my father decided to send us
to children welfare services, -
9:12 - 9:17he was worried that we would be separated
and even adopted into foreign countries. -
9:18 - 9:22And so he took the unusual step
to place a large tattoo -
9:22 - 9:24on each of our arms
-
9:24 - 9:27and on his own,
-
9:27 - 9:29so that we could find each other someday.
-
9:31 - 9:33And he tried searching for me.
-
9:34 - 9:35And he was right:
-
9:36 - 9:41the tattoo did eventually lead me
to find the family that I had lost. -
9:43 - 9:47Unfortunately, he passed away nine years
before he could see his children reunited. -
9:48 - 9:53But last year, I traveled to Korea
to meet my two older brothers, -
9:53 - 9:55my aunt and uncle,
-
9:55 - 9:57and I learned a lot
of new things about myself, -
9:57 - 9:59including my real birth date,
-
9:59 - 10:02which actually makes me
seven months older. -
10:02 - 10:04(Laughter)
-
10:04 - 10:07This middle-aged woman
did not love hearing that she is older. -
10:07 - 10:09(Laughter)
-
10:09 - 10:13And that explains all those gifted
and talented classes I had in school. -
10:13 - 10:16(Laughter)
-
10:18 - 10:20But the most important
thing that I learned -
10:21 - 10:24was that I had a loving family in Korea
-
10:24 - 10:28who remembered me as a little baby
-
10:28 - 10:30and had never forgotten me.
-
10:31 - 10:34I wasn't abandoned,
like my adoption records said. -
10:36 - 10:37I was wanted.
-
10:39 - 10:43It's time to reframe
our views on adoption. -
10:43 - 10:47A healthy adoption ecosystem
is one in which children, -
10:47 - 10:51adoptive families and birth families
-
10:51 - 10:53each own their unique stories.
-
10:53 - 10:57When these narratives
are placed side by side, -
10:57 - 11:02it creates better empathy and policies
for the lives that adoption impacts. -
11:03 - 11:05Here are two things that adults can do
-
11:05 - 11:08to better protect
adopted children's stories. -
11:09 - 11:14First, give children safe emotional spaces
to express their emotions, -
11:14 - 11:16both positive and negative.
-
11:18 - 11:21Phrases such as "tell me more,"
-
11:21 - 11:23"what do you wish for"
-
11:23 - 11:25and "those feelings are normal"
-
11:25 - 11:30are ways that parents can grant
emotional oxygen to their children. -
11:31 - 11:35Second, validate a child's adoption story.
-
11:36 - 11:39Children may express emotions
that may feel hurtful -
11:39 - 11:42or worry an adoptive parent.
-
11:42 - 11:45As a parent, work to hold
and manage your fears -
11:45 - 11:48separately from your child.
-
11:48 - 11:53Always acknowledge your child's story
as valid and important. -
11:54 - 11:57Now, it's natural to want
to protect children -
11:57 - 11:59from experiencing pain.
-
12:00 - 12:06But my tattoo is a poignant reminder
that every adoption starts with loss, -
12:06 - 12:08and every child is affected differently.
-
12:09 - 12:13Children who are adopted
can live full, rich lives, -
12:13 - 12:18as we accept and build upon this unique
set of cards that we were dealt. -
12:19 - 12:21And as you listen
to our narratives with empathy, -
12:21 - 12:23you will hear other things as well:
-
12:25 - 12:27childlike curiosity,
-
12:27 - 12:29grace,
-
12:29 - 12:31resilience,
-
12:31 - 12:32courage,
-
12:33 - 12:34love
-
12:35 - 12:38and yes, even gratitude.
-
12:38 - 12:40Thank you.
-
12:40 - 12:43(Applause)
- Title:
- My story of love and loss as a transracial adoptee
- Speaker:
- Sara Jones
- Description:
-
A mysterious tattoo on her arm was all that linked Sara Jones, who was adopted as a child by white parents, to her South Korean origins. Searching for her birth family taught her that transracial adoption stories often frame new lives abroad as strokes of luck that call for endless gratitude, obscuring a far more complex reality. Through her experience of loss and discovery, Jones offers guidance on what adoptive parents can do to protect their children's unique cultural and personal narratives.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 12:56
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for My story of love and loss as a transracial adoptee | ||
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for My story of love and loss as a transracial adoptee | ||
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for My story of love and loss as a transracial adoptee | ||
Erin Gregory approved English subtitles for My story of love and loss as a transracial adoptee | ||
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for My story of love and loss as a transracial adoptee | ||
Camille Martínez accepted English subtitles for My story of love and loss as a transracial adoptee | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for My story of love and loss as a transracial adoptee | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for My story of love and loss as a transracial adoptee |