How do you stop men taking their own lives? | Ben Akers | TEDxRoyalTunbridgeWells

When Ben Akers's childhood best friend, Steve Yates, took his own life in 2014, he needed to do something. He created a documentary called “Steve” and from that a male mental fitness movement, Talk Club. He explains how six words can save a life.

Ben Akers is a writer, director, problem-solver and male mental fitness campaigner. For 20 years, he has worked at some of the world’s top advertising agencies, both in the UK and Sydney. He then decided to use his 'evil' powers for good, and he joined the environmental and sustainability revolution. He now only works on projects that are good for the world. Ben lives in Bristol with his wife and three children.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

Statistically,

the thing most likely to kill me is me.

Suicide is the biggest killer of men
under 45 in the UK -

12 men a day,

84 a week,

one every two hours.

One of those men
was my childhood best friend,

Steve Yates.

But he wasn't a number.

He was a father,

a son,

a husband and a friend,

my friend.

He was a lovely, everyday,

fun, amazing bloke.

As teenagers, we were inseparable.

You wouldn't find one without the other.
We were joined at the hip.

We lived out of each other's pockets,
brothers by another mother.

But as we grew older,

life got in the way,
and we began to drift.

So I never knew
how bad Steve actually was,

until it was too late.

Steve had become so mentally unwell

that he believed

that we'd be better off without him,

which of course is completely untrue.

We'd chat every now and again,

but he'd always tell me
that everything was great.

When Steve died,

I, like many others, blamed myself,

'What could I have done differently?

How could I have helped him?

Why did he do it?'

But I knew that -

I knew that I couldn't go back.

I had to go forward,
but how do I do that?

I needed to help the next Steve,

to stop other friends and families
going through what we were going through.

Around that time,
I read an article that said

men of my age watch sport
and documentaries.

So,

that's what I'll do.

I'll make a film.

'Steve' is a positive documentary
about male mental health,

real people,

real conversations,

and most importantly, real solutions.

For a year, I traveled the country

talking to amazing people
about what they were doing,

and more importantly,
what we can do to stop it.

And what I found was
that when I showed my vulnerability,

showed that I wasn't great,

it made it easier,
easier for us just to open up.

We had the premiere last March,

an amazing 300-person,

that finished with a standing ovation.

I was completely humbled.

But by the way that people reacted to it,

I thought this could be the start
of something even bigger.

I discovered that making the film
was actually only half of the solution.

How and, more importantly, where I show it
could make the real difference.

I asked myself, 'How do I get this film
to the men who need it the most?'

Well, I needed to go to them.

That's when the hard work really began -

going to where the men are.

So that's what I did!

I went to pubs,

sports clubs,

gyms, building sites,

wherever men naturally were.

I've now done 47 screenings -

everyone from Coutts to Queens Bank

to a category B prison -

and each one

very different,

each one sparking amazing conversation,

each one bigger than just a film.

I found that pubs are the best.

Yeah, I know about the relationship
between alcohol and depression.

But a good amount of men are in pubs!

And ...

when a man can sit there,

not being pushed into talking,

just cradling his pain,

watch others open up,

at the end, he might just say,

'Yeah, I feel that way too.'

It's like being the first one
on the dance floor.

Someone does it,

and it gives everyone
the confidence to join in.

I've been there when a group of men
who've never met each other before

suddenly open up about their stresses
and their pressures,

just because they've seen
others do it onscreen.

One week, on a Monday,
I went to an advertising agency.

I showed it there,

and I was talking to a bloke
on 300 grand a year.

And then on the Friday I was in a prison

talking to a man nine years
into a 21-year stretch.

And what really struck me
was how similar their worries were.

One, physically incarcerated;

the other, financially,

feeling his job controlled him -

both feeling isolated,
both missing their families,

both regretting decisions,
and both needing to talk.

So I thought,

'This is a real way
that I can make a difference,

how I can turn mental health awareness
into mental health action.

So I'll start a talking group.'

And we created 'Talk Club,'

founded with other people from the film,

with simple rules on how to talk -

not to give advice or to judge,

just to listen.

To do this, I needed to find a way
that men could identify with it,

like using the right vocabulary.

Could this help men look at the way

they look at their mental health?

Even those two words seem to be a barrier.

Many men I talked to thought
that mental health and mental illness

were the same thing.

But if you compare it
to your physical health,

things become much clearer.

Like, if you look
at your brain like a muscle,

it needs help to get stronger,
but it also needs to be rested.

So we talk about mental fitness

to help men get mentally fit
so they can be mentally strong -

get fit, be strong.

And we believe Talk Club,
just simply by talking, regularly,

can keep you mentally fit.

It all begins with three words:

'How are you?'

But as we know, many men
find it difficult to articulate that,

so we added three more,

'Out of 10':

'How are you? Out of 10?'

And then we ask them to explain
why they're that number.

Everyone's number is different,

personal to them.

One man's 5 could be another man's 7.

It's actually just a technique,

a way to own your mental state,

but it works.

Like this morning -

We had rehearsals,

I fumbled a few things,

and I was worried.

I was worried about meeting you all today.

I didn't sleep very well ...

the anxiety of being here.

And actually, I had a not-very-nice dream.

So, for me,

what it turns into -

I wake up and I go, 'How' -

'I woke up at a 5. How do I get myself
to a 6 by breakfast?

To a 7 by lunch?

To an 8?'

And what I found
is that being kind to myself

is the answer.

So I went for a run this morning,

and I had a really, really nice breakfast,

rang my kids, had a silly call with them,

and my number started to rise.

To me, it's all about how men tick -

from the flyers we hand out
to where we have the groups.

So look, these are the rules.

All right,

we don't read instructions,
but we need rules on how to talk.

So, what's the first thing -

What's the first thing
a bloke is going to do with these, right?

He's going fold it in half.

He's going to fold it in half again,
and fold it in half again,

and he's going to put it
in his back pocket.

(Laughter)

So I'm going to use
every single side of this

to convince you

(Laughter)

that you need to be part of Talk Club.

Our online community
has only been going a few months,

and we already have over a thousand men
talking about their numbers regularly.

We have 21 physical groups,

globally,

running weekly or monthly,

in pubs, gyms,

male-dominated spaces,
male-comfortable spaces.

We make sure

that it's a safe, comfortable,
confidential environment

where men feel that they can get out
whatever is in their heads.

A typical group might be eight men.

We sit in a circle.

We have a talking ball;

only the man holding the ball talks.

Then we go through our numbers.

Then we talk about
what we're grateful for.

Then we have a round

of how we're going to look after
our mental fitness that week,

and then we just have
our checkout numbers.

It's so simple, but so powerful,

and somehow, that can last two hours.

Before Talk Club,

many members have said to me

they used to think it was weak
to talk about their feelings.

Now they know that talking regularly

about their worries makes them stronger.

And if we can get men mentally stronger,

we might be able to have an impact
on their levels of stress and anxiety.

So when I was asked

what I want you guys to take away
from our time together today,

well, I wanted you to take away
the thought of mental fitness,

and asking someone you love,

'How are you, out of 10?'

Because I found that simple question

can change lives.

I say after every screening of 'Steve,'

'If you're worried
about someone, ask them,

"How are you, out of 10?"'

And one man told me he did exactly that.

On his way home, he rang his best friend.

He was worried about him.

He was going to be best man
at his wedding at the weekend,

but he could tell
something wasn't quite right.

So he asked him,

'How are you, out of 10?'

After a long pause,

that man replied too,

and the floodgates opened.

The friend then discovered
that he was about to cancel the wedding.

He was thinking of running away,
and he'd even talked of suicide.

Asking that question,
being there for him, changed all that.

That man is now married,
has a kid on the way,

and they are both part of Talk Club.

I believe

if Talk Club had existed 10 years ago,

Steve would still be with us,
and I wouldn't be on this stage now.

But I can't go back.

I can only go forward.

I can only try and help the next Steve.

So I ask all of you:

How are you, out of 10?

Thank you.

(Applause)

(Cheering)

(Applause)