WEBVTT

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Three planes, 25 hours, 10,000 miles.

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My dad gets off a flight from Australia
with one thing in mind

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and it's not a snack or a shower or a nap.

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It's November 2016

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and Dad is here to talk to Americans
about the election.

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Now, Dad's a news fiend, but for him,

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this is not just red or blue,
swing states or party platforms.

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He has some really specific intentions.

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He wants to listen,
be heard and understand.

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And over two weeks,
he has hundreds of conversations

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with Americans from
New Hampshire to Miami.

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Some of them are tough conversations,

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complete differences of opinions,

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wildly different worldviews,

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radically opposite life experiences.

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But in all of those interactions,

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Dad walks away
with a big smile on his face

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and so does the other person.

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You can see one of them here.

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And in those interactions,

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he's having a version
of what it seems like we have less of,

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but want more of --

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a constructive conversation.

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We have more ways than ever to connect.

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And yet, politically, ideologically,

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it feels like we are further
and further apart.

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We tell pollsters that we want
politicians who are open-minded.

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And yet when they change
their point of view,

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we say that they lacked conviction.

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For us, when we're confronted
with information

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that challenges an existing worldview,

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our tendency is not to open up,
it's to double down.

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We even have a term for it
in social psychology.

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It's called belief perseverance.

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And boy, do some people's beliefs
seem to persevere.

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I'm no stranger to tough conversations.

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I got my start in what I now call
productive disagreement

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in high school debate.

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I even went on to win

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the World Schools Debate
Championship three times.

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I've been in a lot of arguments,
is what I'm saying,

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but it took watching my dad
on the streets of the US

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to understand
that we need to figure out

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how we go into conversations.

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Not looking for the victory,
but the progress.

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And so since November 2016,
that's what I've been doing.

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Working with governments,
foundations, corporations, families,

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to uncover the tools and techniques

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that allow us to talk when it feels
like the divide is unbridgeable.

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And constructive conversations
that really move the dialogue forward

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have these same three essential features.

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First, at least one party
in the conversation

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is willing to choose curiosity over clash.

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They're open to the idea
that the discussion is a climbing wall,

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not a cage fight,

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that they'll make progress over time

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and are able to anchor all of that
in purpose of the discussion.

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For someone trained in formal debate,

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it is so tempting to run headlong
at the disagreement.

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In fact, we call that clash

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and in formal argumentation,

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it's a punishable offense
if there's not enough of it.

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But I've noticed,
you've probably noticed, too,

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that in real life that tends
to make people shut down,

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not just from the conversation,

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but even from the relationship.

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It's actually one of the causes
of unfriending, online and off.

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So instead, you might consider a technique

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made popular by the Hollywood
producer Brian Grazer,

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the curiosity conversation.

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And the whole point
of a curiosity conversation

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is to understand
the other person's perspective,

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to see what's on their side of the fence.

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And so the next time

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that someone says something
you instinctively disagree with,

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that you react violently to,

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you only need one sentence
and one question:

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“I never thought about it
exactly that way before.

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What can you share
that would help me see what you see?”

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What's remarkable
about curiosity conversations

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is that the people you are curious about
tend to become curious about you.

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Whether it's a friendly
Australian gentleman,

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a political foe or a corporate rival,

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they begin to wonder
what it is that you see

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and whether they could see it to.

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Constructive conversations
aren't a one-shot deal.

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If you go into an encounter
expecting everyone to walk out

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with the same point of view
that you walked in with,

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there's really no chance for progress.

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Instead, we need to think
about conversations as a climbing wall

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to do a variant of what
my dad did during this trip,

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pocketing a little nugget
of information here,

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adapting his approach there.

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That's actually a technique
borrowed from formal debate

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where you present an idea,

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it's attacked and you adapt
and re-explain,

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it's attacked again,

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you adapt and re-explain.

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The whole expectation
is that your idea gets better

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through challenge and criticism.

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And the evidence from really high-stakes
international negotiations

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suggests that that's what successful
negotiators do as well.

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They go into conversations

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expecting to learn from the challenges
that they will receive

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to use objections to make their ideas
and proposals better.

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Development is in some way a service
that we can do for others

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and that others can do for us.

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It makes the ideas sharper,

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but the relationships warmer.

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Curiosity can be relationship magic

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and development can be
rocket fuel for your ideas.

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But there are some situations

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where it just feels
like it's not worth the bother.

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And in those cases

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it can be because the purpose
of the discussion isn't clear.

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I think back to how my dad
went into those conversations

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with a really clear sense of purpose.

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He was there to learn, to listen,
to share his point of view.

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And once that purpose
is understood by both parties,

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then you can begin to move on.

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Lay out our vision for the future.

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Make a decision.

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Get funding.

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Then you can move on to principles.

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When people shared with my dad
their hopes for America,

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that's where they started
with the big picture,

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not with personality
or politics or policies.

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Because inadvertently
they were doing something

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that we do naturally with outsiders

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and find it really difficult sometimes
to do with insiders.

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They painted in broad strokes

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before digging into the details.

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But maybe you live in the same
zip code or the same house

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and it feels like none
of that common ground is there today.

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Then you might consider a version
of disagreement time travel,

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asking your counterpart to articulate
what kind of neighborhood, country,

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world, community,

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they want a year from now,

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a decade from now.

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It is very tempting
to dwell in present tensions

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and get bogged down in practicalities.

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Inviting people to inhabit
a future possibility

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opens up the chance
of a conversation with purpose.

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Earlier in my career,

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I worked for the deputy
prime minister of New Zealand

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who practiced a version of this technique.

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New Zealand's electoral system
is designed for unlikely friendships,

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coalitions, alliances,

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memoranda of understanding
are almost inevitable.

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And this particular government set-up
had some of almost everything --

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small government conservatives, liberals,

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the Indigenous people's party,
the Green Party.

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And I recently asked him,

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what does it take to bring
a group like that together

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but hold them together?

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He said, "Someone, you,
has to take responsibility

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for reminding them
of their shared purpose:

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caring for people.”

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If we are more focused
on what makes us different than the same,

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then every debate is a fight.

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If we put our challenges
and our problems before us,

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then every potential ally
becomes an adversary.

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But as my dad packed his bags
for the three flights, 25 hours,

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10,000 miles back to Australia,

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he was also packing a collection
of new perspectives,

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a new way of navigating conversations,

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and a whole set of new stories
and experiences to share.

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But he was also leaving those behind

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with everyone that he'd interacted with.

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We love unlikely friendships
when they look like this.

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We've just forgotten how to make them.

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And amid the cacophony of cable news

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and the awkwardness of family dinners,

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and the hostility of corporate meetings,

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each of us has this --

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the opportunity
to walk into every encounter,

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like my dad walked off that plane,

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to choose curiosity over clash,

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to expect development
of your ideas through discussion

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and to anchor in common purpose.

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That's what really
world-class persuaders do

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to build constructive conversations

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and move them forward.

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It's how our world will move forward too.

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Thank you.