0:00:00.000,0:00:03.795 Vulture Peak Gathering[br]Upper Hamlet, Plum Village 0:00:14.735,0:00:17.415 Where is Thay?[br]June 8. 2016 0:00:17.415,0:00:19.955 A teaching from Lay dharma teacher[br]Eveline Beumkes 0:00:20.255,0:00:22.560 Yesterday the Dharma teachers 0:00:22.750,0:00:25.390 were invited to come together 0:00:25.540,0:00:28.300 and sit near the Buddha, 0:00:28.340,0:00:31.130 next to the hall. 0:00:31.130,0:00:34.180 And Sister Chan Khong was there. 0:00:34.393,0:00:39.977 And she started our coming together 0:00:40.227,0:00:42.527 with saying to us, 0:00:42.527,0:00:47.737 “Dear Friends, I have, 0:00:47.787,0:00:51.527 I have a riddle for you: 0:00:52.067,0:00:57.617 " Where, where, is Thay?” 0:00:58.157,0:01:02.327 (laughter) 0:01:02.558,0:01:05.658 No one answered. 0:01:05.972,0:01:11.532 But we all smiled. 0:01:12.012,0:01:15.862 And I thought, right away. 0:01:16.178,0:01:18.038 “Wow." 0:01:18.110,0:01:20.560 (Is it working?) 0:01:20.980,0:01:22.120 Wow. 0:01:22.577,0:01:25.587 This is exactly the theme of my talk, 0:01:25.947,0:01:28.776 what I want to speak about tomorrow: 0:01:28.980,0:01:33.610 "Where is Thay?” 0:01:35.760,0:01:39.640 More, a little bit more precisely, 0:01:39.699,0:01:42.749 for me the theme is 0:01:42.917,0:01:47.157 "In what way Thay is with me?" 0:01:47.453,0:01:53.343 And this has been[br]a burning question to me, 0:01:53.490,0:01:57.810 right from the moment I met Thay. 0:01:58.775,0:02:02.955 I came from a very dark place. 0:02:03.021,0:02:07.741 I had been looking for so long 0:02:08.114,0:02:13.004 and finally I found Thay 0:02:13.627,0:02:18.057 and the practice. So precious. 0:02:19.289,0:02:23.579 And right away I was afraid 0:02:23.652,0:02:26.662 that I might lose Thay. 0:02:26.913,0:02:33.463 I might lose him [br]before knowing what I needed to know. 0:02:33.988,0:02:37.428 And I knew that he was the one who could 0:02:37.490,0:02:39.750 teach me. 0:02:39.890,0:02:44.690 He was the only one I knew who really knew 0:02:45.006,0:02:51.276 what I needed to know in order to live. 0:02:51.840,0:02:56.020 Because I felt very closed, 0:02:56.643,0:03:06.573 I felt very fearful, unhappy, hopeless 0:03:08.218,0:03:19.288 and I knew that I needed Thay, 0:03:19.482,0:03:21.912 to get the information from him, 0:03:21.992,0:03:26.572 in order to find the way out. 0:03:27.222,0:03:30.052 So I was afraid that he ... 0:03:30.501,0:03:33.101 he might continue his journey 0:03:33.227,0:03:36.707 before I had received the information 0:03:36.990,0:03:44.510 I needed to be able to swim by myself. 0:03:46.139,0:03:48.568 I’ll give you 0:03:48.618,0:03:51.888 a little bit of background information 0:03:52.048,0:03:55.048 about the place where I came from, 0:03:55.199,0:03:58.149 so you understand better my happiness 0:03:58.212,0:04:00.902 to find Thay. 0:04:00.995,0:04:05.065 When I was 12 years old, or I guess 11, 0:04:05.214,0:04:12.944 the world turned grey. I lost my joy. 0:04:13.017,0:04:16.127 I was very surprised. 0:04:16.319,0:04:18.299 I didn’t understand it. 0:04:18.437,0:04:21.447 I used to enjoy playing, 0:04:21.612,0:04:24.882 going to school, seeing my friends. 0:04:24.965,0:04:26.795 And all of a sudden, 0:04:26.907,0:04:30.159 everything lost its meaning. 0:04:30.309,0:04:34.499 I didn’t care any more, doing this or that. 0:04:35.251,0:04:38.911 I didn’t understand it. 0:04:38.998,0:04:43.208 This mood, state of mind, [br]stayed maybe for a year, 0:04:43.847,0:04:46.247 and then it fortunately dissolved. 0:04:46.297,0:04:50.597 But it has been coming back, [br]more or less intense. 0:04:52.942,0:04:57.352 And it made me question, 0:04:57.756,0:05:00.746 what am I doing here on earth? 0:05:01.104,0:05:04.864 What is the reason of my life? 0:05:05.078,0:05:12.358 What is the meaning of life? 0:05:12.469,0:05:18.159 When I was 18, 0:05:18.499,0:05:22.108 there was a booklet 0:05:22.258,0:05:24.718 called... 0:05:24.767,0:05:32.887 It was a booklet written about the [br]report on the state of the environment, 0:05:33.413,0:05:36.463 a report from the Club of Rome. 0:05:36.731,0:05:43.661 And it was called Dead Spring, and [br]on the cover was a dead tree. 0:05:44.074,0:05:48.364 I was 18. I haven’t read the book. 0:05:48.521,0:05:54.541 I understood right away what was in it,[br]and I felt hopeless. 0:05:54.732,0:06:00.793 Already for some years, when I was [br]washing the dishes in the evening, 0:06:00.956,0:06:06.290 when I put soap in the water to [br]wash the dishes, I wondered ... 0:06:06.896,0:06:10.766 We were living in Amsterdam [br]on the third floor, 0:06:11.901,0:06:15.551 with many, many apartments around us. 0:06:16.371,0:06:20.691 When everybody in Amsterdam, [br]in Holland, all over the world, 0:06:21.211,0:06:25.361 is putting soap in the dish-washing[br]water a few times a day, 0:06:26.481,0:06:29.149 how can we drink the water? 0:06:29.215,0:06:34.825 How can we continue to survive? [br]And then this is only dish-washing water. 0:06:35.555,0:06:39.175 I was then maybe 15, 16. 0:06:39.338,0:06:45.878 So when I read, when I saw this booklet,[br]it confirmed my fear. 0:06:46.787,0:06:52.717 And, when I spoke about it with other[br]people, they said, 0:06:53.042,0:06:58.708 “Eveline, don’t worry. [br]Nature is very strong. 0:06:59.008,0:07:01.648 It can heal itself.” 0:07:01.798,0:07:04.578 Nobody understood my fear. 0:07:04.708,0:07:11.294 I felt very alone for a long time, [br]and I stopped talking about it. 0:07:11.474,0:07:18.994 But I always had this fear of [br]what is going to come. 0:07:19.259,0:07:28.799 I felt a cloud, a black cloud of [br]the threat, above my head, always. 0:07:29.067,0:07:33.897 And I didn’t see a way out. 0:07:34.483,0:07:40.353 It felt meaningless to me to do anything. 0:07:40.668,0:07:47.178 There was no sense, [br]there was no sense in doing anything. 0:07:47.282,0:07:51.632 So this was not a happy place to be. 0:07:51.932,0:07:56.312 I thought, well, this is it. 0:07:57.046,0:07:59.557 This seems to be it. 0:07:59.557,0:08:08.657 I will have to put up with this [br]and live my life. 0:08:09.270,0:08:13.570 I did, not very happy. 0:08:14.719,0:08:22.459 And then when I was 28, I read [br]a book about parapsychology. 0:08:23.203,0:08:30.003 Para... well, anyway, miraculous things. 0:08:30.176,0:08:35.886 I didn’t know whether what was [br]written in the book was true or not. 0:08:36.397,0:08:40.787 I didn’t say it was not true; [br]I didn’t say it was true. 0:08:40.969,0:08:43.989 But when I finished reading, I thought, 0:08:44.059,0:08:47.329 “Well, you never know. 0:08:47.760,0:08:53.450 Maybe there is more between[br]heaven and earth than I know.” 0:08:53.682,0:08:57.892 Maybe... So there was a small opening. 0:08:58.098,0:09:02.863 And then - I was 28 - I started to look, 0:09:03.033,0:09:07.893 to explore in different [br]spiritual traditions, 0:09:08.083,0:09:20.053 starting to read books and going [br]to workshops in Holland, retreats. 0:09:20.258,0:09:24.998 And then I found, 0:09:25.098,0:09:31.618 then I found a book of Etty Hillesum, [br]the diary of Etty Hillesum. 0:09:32.186,0:09:34.516 She is like Anne Frank. 0:09:34.764,0:09:39.094 You may know her, a Jewish woman[br]in the Second World War. 0:09:39.356,0:09:45.646 Anne was 12 years, but Etty was 28, [br]just like me at that time. 0:09:45.702,0:09:49.442 And Etty became a friend. 0:09:49.624,0:09:53.974 I read every day[br]a few pages of her diary. 0:09:54.106,0:10:01.286 And Etty showed me a way from her… 0:10:01.848,0:10:07.178 She was 28, and she died finally,[br]in the war. So she didn’t survive. 0:10:07.463,0:10:12.953 But I read in her book that… 0:10:13.263,0:10:16.063 You could follow her way, [br]written day by day, 0:10:16.275,0:10:20.535 and you could see how she was growing, [br]how compassion 0:10:21.389,0:10:25.129 – I would say now,[br]I wouldn’t say it at that time – 0:10:25.593,0:10:29.703 that compassion and understanding[br]were growing in her. 0:10:29.755,0:10:34.015 And I saw that the darker [br]the situation she was in 0:10:34.271,0:10:39.111 - she went to a camp and the situation [br]became, for the Jews in Holland, 0:10:39.293,0:10:42.803 became more difficult and more difficult. 0:10:42.912,0:10:45.932 So it was a squeezing situation. 0:10:46.186,0:10:49.876 But the darker the situation is,[br]I could read, 0:10:50.145,0:10:56.955 the more intense and faster [br]her inner light was growing and shining. 0:10:57.151,0:11:02.101 And her strength was growing [br]very fast. And that gave me hope. 0:11:02.774,0:11:09.374 Because with the idea that in my life [br]very dark times might come, 0:11:09.653,0:11:13.153 now I had hope that however [br]dark it might get, 0:11:13.322,0:11:17.282 and even when the world around me [br]gets darker and darker, 0:11:17.404,0:11:23.314 then that it may be helpful for me to [br]grow in the direction of the light faster. 0:11:23.542,0:11:29.882 So I was less afraid [br]for the darkness to come. 0:11:30.287,0:11:34.267 And then I was so lucky [br]to find some day 0:11:34.419,0:11:39.149 The Miracle of Mindfulness, [br]a very small booklet. 0:11:39.341,0:11:46.271 And, um, no, no, before that, yes, yes, [br]I was looking. 0:11:46.500,0:11:55.580 I kept looking in different directions, [br]but I didn’t find anywhere a teacher 0:11:56.114,0:12:00.874 or a way, a spiritual path, where [br]my heart really resonated and 0:12:01.232,0:12:03.432 where I really said, “Yes, this is it.” 0:12:03.541,0:12:09.581 So, I didn’t want to make a compromise [br]and I continued searching. 0:12:09.898,0:12:13.998 And then I found [br]The Miracle of Mindfulness. 0:12:14.299,0:12:18.889 And before finishing that book, I knew, 0:12:19.024,0:12:26.034 “Now, this is it. Now I have found what [br]I have been looking for all these years.” 0:12:26.294,0:12:29.364 And half way the book, [br]there is an exercise, 0:12:29.726,0:12:33.896 “washing the dishes in mindfulness”. 0:12:34.016,0:12:35.516 (laughter) 0:12:35.786,0:12:38.526 I wrote a song about it. 0:12:38.620,0:12:42.950 But ... So I practised that [br]for the very first time,[br] 0:12:42.955,0:12:54.645 and I clearly remember where it was [br]and I remember my experience. 0:12:54.776,0:12:59.576 It proved to me, it was such a different [br]experience to wash the dishes 0:13:00.075,0:13:09.045 and really be aware of the movement of my [br]hand, of the temperature of the water, and 0:13:09.157,0:13:12.937 the contact with the cup that I picked up. 0:13:13.144,0:13:16.584 And suddenly joy opened, [br]I really enjoyed it. 0:13:16.727,0:13:22.327 And this was what I had been looking for. [br]You know, I was not in touch. 0:13:22.407,0:13:28.467 I was hopeless, what I missed was the [br]connection with things. 0:13:28.966,0:13:36.876 And here I felt a real, direct connection.[br]I was in touch. 0:13:37.827,0:13:40.417 So I was very happy. 0:13:40.549,0:13:42.079 I knew this is my path. 0:13:42.210,0:13:46.400 But now ... the teacher - 0:13:46.490,0:13:53.360 because the author was a monk[br]who seemed to be living in Vietnam. 0:13:55.879,0:14:03.329 And who can describe my surprise when two [br]days after finishing reading this book, 0:14:03.989,0:14:09.939 I read somewhere in a newspaper that [br]the author, Thich Nhat Hanh, 0:14:10.210,0:14:19.070 was coming to Amsterdam - yes! - and[br]giving a meditation weekend in Amsterdam. 0:14:19.676,0:14:26.436 So, I was very, very, very curious[br]to meet him. 0:14:28.153,0:14:32.293 I came from a slightly [br]Christian background, 0:14:32.605,0:14:47.485 So Buddhism .... yes, that was something [br]to be very carefully explored. 0:14:50.078,0:14:58.988 And then Thay came with Sister Chan Khong. 0:15:00.346,0:15:04.246 And right away I felt, well, 0:15:04.650,0:15:07.530 I was so moved, so moved. 0:15:07.939,0:15:10.439 But. I need not explore,[br]tell you more about that, 0:15:10.888,0:15:16.678 because I guess that is the experience [br]we all know when we see Thay, 0:15:17.061,0:15:28.611 with his gentle energy, his smile. [br]How can your heart not melt? 0:15:28.682,0:15:31.942 (laughter) 0:15:33.783,0:15:38.243 And then I heard about Plum Village. 0:15:39.986,0:15:45.086 It was May when Thay and Sister Chan Khong[br]came to Amsterdam. 0:15:45.872,0:15:51.242 And I decided when I heard about [br]Plum Village, to go there. 0:15:51.689,0:15:58.509 And when I arrived, [br]I felt when I was in Plum Village... 0:15:59.077,0:16:02.597 Oh, maybe I should tell you what it[br]was like. 0:16:02.686,0:16:05.486 Lower Hamlet ... 0:16:05.661,0:16:13.471 at most 60 people, maybe 40, [br]mostly Vietnamese, 6 westerners. 0:16:16.658,0:16:21.468 And I felt so happy, [br]I felt so extremely happy. 0:16:21.605,0:16:24.025 I felt really like coming home. 0:16:24.186,0:16:28.666 And I’ve heard so many people [br]after me using the same words. 0:16:28.802,0:16:32.952 “It feels like coming home here.” 0:16:38.624,0:16:43.254 I went back to Amsterdam and I thought 0:16:44.030,0:16:52.870 I thought, “Now my life has changed; [br]now I will be happy.” 0:16:54.619,0:17:01.659 I really believed that. [br]And I was so surprised that within … 0:17:02.181,0:17:13.421 in less than 3 days I was back in my [br]old track of … as I used to feel before. 0:17:13.585,0:17:19.895 And so we, here, of course, [br]we understand that was because … 0:17:20.706,0:17:26.366 because… there was no Sangha. [br]There was no Sangha! 0:17:28.224,0:17:32.864 Next summer I went back to Plum Village,[br]of course looking forward, very much. 0:17:33.424,0:17:38.944 And the same experience, [br]enjoying it so deeply. 0:17:39.447,0:17:47.187 And then I remember one day I was in the[br]library, a very small room, 0:17:47.609,0:17:55.589 and I read a magazine. And until the [br]day of today I remember what I read there. 0:17:55.959,0:18:00.479 It made a very deep impression. It was an[br]article about 0:18:00.570,0:18:10.230 Rumi, from the twelfth century, [br]I think a Sufi mystic. 0:18:10.358,0:18:20.378 And in the article it was described [br]how much Rumi loved his master. 0:18:20.572,0:18:27.132 He loved him so dearly. And I really [br]could connect with that. 0:18:27.164,0:18:35.914 And then, his master died, [br]and Rumi was inconsolable. 0:18:35.961,0:18:39.961 And surely I could connect with that. 0:18:40.430,0:18:47.660 And there was a description of how[br]Rumi kept looking for his master. 0:18:47.660,0:18:51.770 He kept looking and looking [br]and looking for years. 0:18:51.770,0:18:58.150 And then, after 5 years, it was written,[br]he found his master. 0:18:58.150,0:19:03.993 He found him everywhere. 0:19:04.005,0:19:07.238 And that was such a hopeful news to me. [br] 0:19:07.238,0:19:14.566 I thought - and it was a deep intention,[br]a deep determination, deep in me - 0:19:14.566,0:19:20.876 "This is what I want, [br]I want to find Thay everywhere." 0:19:20.914,0:19:26.604 But in the magazine was not a description. 0:19:27.161,0:19:36.101 I had no clue how Rumi had found his [br]master. So this was a koan. 0:19:36.224,0:19:42.324 I had to find out for myself. 0:19:46.948,0:19:51.398 (The bell is awoken... ) 0:19:51.520,0:20:18.210 (The bell is invited one time...) 0:20:30.132,0:20:35.962 So this was a question that I was holding [br]in my heart, 0:20:36.254,0:20:39.554 knowing about Rumi’s example 0:20:39.554,0:20:47.374 . And for me the question was: [br]“How can I find Thay everywhere?” 0:20:47.374,0:20:51.574 So it was in my heart. [br]I carried it along. 0:20:51.574,0:20:57.559 Then around Christmas that same year, Thay[br]and Sister Chan Khong offered a retreat 0:20:57.559,0:21:03.599 in Paris, in Fleur de Cactus, [br]which is now Maison de l’Inspire. 0:21:03.599,0:21:08.779 I think we were about 20, 25 people then. 0:21:08.811,0:21:20.041 And I had started to think [br]about quitting my job. 0:21:20.071,0:21:26.071 I felt very unhappy at my job. And at [br]first, I had been thinking that, 0:21:26.071,0:21:33.271 with the practice, I should be able [br]to make myself happy there. 0:21:33.304,0:21:43.504 I tried, but I did not succeed. And then, [br]one day I heard Thay say that a seedling - 0:21:43.524,0:21:47.524 -- you know, [br]a seed that has just sprouted --- [br] 0:21:47.535,0:21:52.315 a seedling needs protection[br]in order to grow. 0:21:52.315,0:21:56.173 And then I knew I had [br]permission to leave my job. 0:21:56.173,0:21:59.471 (laughter) 0:21:59.471,0:22:05.061 But I was deadly scared to do so. 0:22:05.061,0:22:11.145 And during that winter retreat,[br]I spoke about my situation and my fear 0:22:11.145,0:22:13.915 with Thay and with Sister Chan Khong. 0:22:13.915,0:22:25.385 And when I left, Thay said to me,[br]“Eveline, we are with you.” 0:22:25.411,0:22:30.401 Well, those were precious words. 0:22:31.267,0:22:35.267 “We are with you.” 0:22:35.281,0:22:41.341 I don’t know how often I have turned [br]these words around in my mind, 0:22:41.383,0:22:49.173 wondering what exactly Thay meant by[br]“We are with you.” 0:22:49.190,0:22:56.260 In what way? 0:22:56.260,0:23:04.400 And what came up was a story I had read [br]in a book a few years ago, 0:23:04.865,0:23:09.445 one of the books [br]I read on my quest for a path. 0:23:09.445,0:23:14.745 The book was called [br]Living with the Himalayan Masters, 0:23:14.745,0:23:21.891 the masters of the Himalayas, and one of [br]the stories in the book described 0:23:21.924,0:23:31.372 a disciple who was walking by night [br]on a very small mountain path, alone. 0:23:31.372,0:23:37.962 And all of a sudden, he slipped from the [br]road and fell into an abyss. 0:23:37.979,0:23:47.269 And then, miraculously, his master lifted [br]him up and put him back on the path. 0:23:47.269,0:23:56.529 So that story came up, reflecting on [br]the question, “How is Thay with me?” 0:23:56.544,0:24:04.174 It didn’t feel like this was the way that [br]Thay was with me. 0:24:04.193,0:24:09.363 A few months later, I did quit my job, and 0:24:09.369,0:24:15.379 I went to America on invitation [br]of a monk and a friend, 0:24:15.382,0:24:23.091 who both lived in San Francisco,[br]and who had invited me to go there. 0:24:23.091,0:24:30.466 Again, I was deadly scared to make such a[br]big trip, with an airplane, all by myself, 0:24:30.466,0:24:35.604 to America. [br]But, I wanted the adventure. 0:24:35.604,0:24:37.155 No, that’s not true. 0:24:37.155,0:24:44.425 I wanted, in fact, to explore the [br]different Zen centers that were in America, 0:24:44.435,0:24:49.895 because in Holland by that time, we had [br]no Zen centers at all. 0:24:49.895,0:24:56.120 And from coming in Plum Village, I had [br]heard from people coming from America 0:24:56.127,0:25:00.467 that there were places in America [br]where you could practice. 0:25:00.491,0:25:07.781 And I was curious to go there and [br]to see other teachers than Thay. 0:25:07.781,0:25:14.619 Thay was the only teacher that I knew. [br]I can tell you, that it just confirmed, 0:25:14.619,0:25:22.429 being in America, that I was on [br]the right path being with Thay. 0:25:22.429,0:25:28.165 Okay. I went to San Francisco,[br]invited by Thay Tu Luc. 0:25:28.166,0:25:33.256 And he was living in a temple there, [br]in the busy streets. 0:25:33.256,0:25:37.256 And then he said, “Eveline, if you want [br]to, I can bring you to the monastery 0:25:37.256,0:25:43.106 in the mountains, in the middle[br]of the woods, the Kim Son monastery.” 0:25:43.106,0:25:50.373 That seemed a very nice adventure. [br]So I went to the Kim Son monastery, 0:25:50.373,0:25:52.103 and I enjoyed it very much, 0:25:52.117,0:25:57.267 with the redwood trees, the woods[br]- I had never seen so beautiful. 0:25:57.288,0:26:00.848 It was really wild there. 0:26:00.848,0:26:06.208 And after - I was planning to stay in [br]America for half a year at least, 0:26:06.228,0:26:11.458 maybe a year - and after a few weeks, 0:26:11.458,0:26:17.488 guess who visited, who came to [br]the Kim Son monastery? 0:26:17.488,0:26:19.238 (laughter) 0:26:19.238,0:26:27.999 Yes, yes, Thay came. I had no idea. [br]For me this was worlds apart. 0:26:27.999,0:26:32.971 And all of a sudden, there he was. [br]And he recognized me, 0:26:32.971,0:26:39.061 the woman with the bicycle, because [br]I came to Plum Village on my bicycle. 0:26:39.061,0:26:41.521 (laughter) 0:26:41.521,0:26:48.091 Not all the way from Amsterdam. 0:26:48.091,0:26:57.791 And I was so happy to be with Thay, [br]so happy, and I started to wonder, 0:26:57.791,0:27:02.471 “Is it a good decision to stay in America? [br] 0:27:02.471,0:27:09.528 Shouldn’t I go back to Europe [br]and spend the summer in Plum Village? 0:27:09.528,0:27:13.358 It’s so precious to be with Thay. [br]Who knows how long he is around?” 0:27:13.358,0:27:18.295 (I always was aware of that.) [br]“Shouldn’t I go back?” 0:27:18.295,0:27:22.240 I was doubting and doubting. 0:27:22.240,0:27:26.950 It was a squeezing question[br]because finally I had come to America. 0:27:26.950,0:27:30.324 It had taken me so much courage [br]to make this step. 0:27:30.324,0:27:34.164 Now I was here, and should I go back? 0:27:34.164,0:27:38.164 So, I haven’t asked Thay many [br]questions in my life, 0:27:38.164,0:27:40.764 but this is one of the questions I asked him. 0:27:40.764,0:27:47.724 I went to him and explained the situation [br]and asked him, “Thay, what do you think? 0:27:47.724,0:27:55.782 Should I stay or should I go [br]and be with you in the summer retreat?” 0:27:55.782,0:27:59.759 And you may guess what Thay answered... 0:28:00.589,0:28:07.309 He said - a very nice answer that I always [br]keep with me when I have to make a choice 0:28:07.309,0:28:09.822 - “Both are OK.” 0:28:09.822,0:28:17.612 (laughter) 0:28:17.615,0:28:20.985 I decided to stay. 0:28:20.985,0:28:28.675 And then after about ten days, [br]the moment came that Thay left us again. 0:28:28.675,0:28:34.455 It was a beautiful day, a beautiful evening. 0:28:34.455,0:28:38.335 Thay was gone and I had decided to stay,[br] 0:28:38.335,0:28:44.005 and I knew I wouldn’t see him [br]for a very long time. 0:28:44.007,0:28:54.557 I went - I felt sad,[br]and I went into nature. I sat on a tree. 0:28:54.557,0:29:01.948 I sat for hours there in the neighbourhood[br]of the temple, looking at the trees, 0:29:01.948,0:29:08.118 at the sky and the sky was turning dark. 0:29:08.118,0:29:18.398 And of course, I was wondering,[br]"In what way Thay is with me?" 0:29:18.398,0:29:28.597 And then as I was looking at the sky, there[br]were mountains, mountains very far away. 0:29:28.597,0:29:36.125 And all of a sudden I noticed there was [br]some light above the mountains. 0:29:36.125,0:29:43.447 I was surprised. I thought I must not [br]have been looking very well before, 0:29:43.447,0:29:49.555 because I never noticed [br]there was a city over there. 0:29:49.555,0:29:55.753 But the light grew intenser, [br]more and more light. 0:29:55.753,0:30:03.453 And then, all of a sudden, [br]there was the moon. 0:30:03.453,0:30:07.420 It was not a city. [br]It was the light of the moon. 0:30:07.420,0:30:13.350 And as the moon was rising, [br]it wasn’t just the moon. 0:30:13.351,0:30:23.071 It was the most amazing, biggest,[br]radiant moon I have ever seen. 0:30:23.071,0:30:34.776 I could spread my arms to show [br]how huge this moon was. 0:30:34.776,0:30:41.056 And it moved so gracefully. [br]There were no clouds in the sky, 0:30:41.056,0:30:48.763 none at all. It was a very silent evening, [br]without the wind, very peaceful. 0:30:48.763,0:30:57.924 And very, very slowly, without moving, [br]the moon was moving and rising and rising. 0:30:57.924,0:31:04.354 And all of a sudden there was [br]a sound, the sound of the bell: 0:31:04.361,0:31:10.381 the bell inviting us to come to meditation. 0:31:10.381,0:31:18.664 I was not happy. [br]I was so gazing at the moon. 0:31:18.664,0:31:21.361 I was completely connected, 0:31:21.361,0:31:28.851 and I was so happy - and unhappy [br]at the same time as I was missing Thay. 0:31:28.854,0:31:36.034 And after - I don’t understand now [br]why I made the decision, 0:31:36.050,0:31:38.840 because now I would have[br]made a different decision, 0:31:38.840,0:31:46.210 but in those days I obviously did more[br]what was expected of me. 0:31:46.210,0:31:49.660 So I went in. 0:31:49.660,0:31:55.365 And as soon as I was in [br]with the other people, I did regret it. 0:31:55.365,0:31:59.555 I thought, “What have I done? [br]I should have stayed outside!” 0:31:59.555,0:32:08.072 Fortunately, the Kim Son monastery[br]has huge glass windows, really 0:32:08.072,0:32:11.530 - at least,in my memory,[br]but then it’s thirty years ago, 0:32:11.530,0:32:17.100 but in my memory the windows are [br]from the floor to the ceiling. 0:32:17.100,0:32:23.046 So, I took a place, I choose a place from [br]where I could see the moon. 0:32:23.046,0:32:29.837 I continued to look at the moon.[br]I wasn’t very concentrated. 0:32:29.837,0:32:37.344 I felt sad. Thay wasn’t there. I had[br]come inside. I should have stayed outside. 0:32:37.344,0:32:44.724 And as much as possible, [br]I tried to stay connected with the moon. 0:32:44.744,0:32:54.567 And then something happened. [br]I’ve never understood it. Not even today. 0:32:54.567,0:32:57.615 But what happened was that 0:32:57.615,0:33:05.730 this huge, brilliant, radiant moon[br]that I saw shining over there, 0:33:05.736,0:33:15.506 began shining from my own belly, [br]just as big and radiant. 0:33:15.506,0:33:22.482 I saw it. It wasn’t something I figured [br]with my mind. It happened to me. 0:33:22.495,0:33:26.495 And as we say in Dutch, “Ik stond er bij[br]en ik keek er naar.” Ik zat er bij. 0:33:26.495,0:33:31.215 [Translated to English: “I stood there, and[br]I looked at what was there.” I sat there.] 0:33:31.215,0:33:35.905 So I just observed it, in surprise. 0:33:35.905,0:33:40.455 Something else happened [br]at the same moment. 0:33:40.455,0:33:43.135 As this moon was shining 0:33:43.135,0:33:48.825 -- now there were two moons, [br]the moon outside and the moon inside -- 0:33:48.825,0:33:57.253 at the same time, I felt that[br]Thay’s smile was sinking into me. 0:33:57.253,0:34:02.927 I really felt it.[br]I had seen Thay smiling so often. 0:34:02.927,0:34:09.664 And his smile, his serenity, [br]was just sinking into me, 0:34:09.664,0:34:16.148 and I felt it resting[br]at the bottom of my being. [br] 0:34:16.148,0:34:26.392 And I knew, I would always find Thay there. 0:34:26.392,0:34:34.978 I had, from Store Consciousness I think, [br]received an answer to my question, 0:34:34.978,0:34:43.846 “How is Thay with me?” 0:34:43.846,0:34:48.514 And I always can find him there. 0:34:48.514,0:34:55.137 Although there have been waves - [br]but they have been on the surface - 0:34:55.137,0:35:03.034 in the depths of my being, [br]I feel Thay’s presence. 0:35:03.034,0:35:08.359 Then I stayed one year in America. 0:35:08.359,0:35:12.310 When I came back to Europe, Plum Village 0:35:12.310,0:35:19.310 opened its doors for the very first time[br]to residents, permanent residents, 0:35:19.310,0:35:24.276 [br]and I didn’t need to think what to do. 0:35:24.280,0:35:32.880 Of course, I went to live in Plum Village.[br]This could be a story in itself. 0:35:32.880,0:35:37.978 (laughter) 0:35:38.365,0:35:40.755 [Sister Chan Khong asks from off-stage: [br]“Can you sing your song?”] 0:35:40.755,0:35:43.201 Yes, yes, it’s coming, Sister Chan Khong. 0:35:43.201,0:35:46.728 (laughter) 0:35:46.728,0:35:49.098 Yes, yes, yes. . 0:35:49.098,0:35:57.968 I was given a room from where[br]I could watch the sunset every evening 0:35:57.968,0:36:00.365 It was so beautiful. [br] 0:36:00.365,0:36:06.835 [Looking around.][br]No, no, we are in Upper Hamlet. 0:36:06.835,0:36:12.965 And there... So that was maybe a [br]few months after coming back from America. 0:36:12.965,0:36:19.681 And there Thay invited all of us[br]– that means eight people - [br] 0:36:19.681,0:36:28.155 to express our experience with [br]the practice in a creative way. [br] 0:36:28.155,0:36:33.495 He encouraged us to sing and to write songs. 0:36:33.502,0:36:39.602 And so I wrote a song about [br]this experience of the moon: 0:36:39.602,0:36:44.232 together, the moon in America [br]and the sun in Plum Village. 0:36:44.232,0:36:49.099 And I’ll give it a try... 0:37:11.333,0:37:15.653 The sun is going down, 0:37:15.653,0:37:21.396 and the sky is turning grey. 0:37:21.396,0:37:25.566 The day has not yet ended 0:37:25.566,0:37:31.695 while the night is on its way. 0:37:31.695,0:37:36.093 I hear a last bird singing, 0:37:36.093,0:37:41.104 and I join it in its song. 0:37:41.110,0:37:46.082 And then everything falls silent 0:37:46.082,0:37:52.966 while the twilight lingers on. 0:37:52.966,0:37:57.774 Now the stars are growing brighter,[br] 0:37:57.774,0:38:03.042 we are waiting for the moon. 0:38:03.042,0:38:08.659 It is rising from a mountain 0:38:08.659,0:38:13.926 like a luminous balloon.[br] 0:38:13.926,0:38:19.708 Shining brighter than the sunshine, 0:38:19.708,0:38:24.734 smiling limitless serene,[br] 0:38:24.734,0:38:30.845 Shining inside, shining outside, 0:38:30.845,0:38:36.623 it’s a moon I’ve never seen. 0:38:36.623,0:38:42.951 I keep looking in amazement, 0:38:42.951,0:38:48.204 I keep looking in delight.[br] 0:38:48.204,0:38:53.682 Every leaf has turned transparent; 0:38:53.682,0:38:59.701 now it seems no longer night.[br] 0:38:59.701,0:39:05.450 I would like to look forever, 0:39:05.450,0:39:10.651 and I pray we never part.[br] 0:39:10.651,0:39:16.446 Then at once I find it shining 0:39:16.446,0:39:22.951 from the bottom from my heart. 0:39:22.951,0:39:28.880 Shining brighter than the sunshine, 0:39:28.880,0:39:33.914 smiling limitless serene,[br] 0:39:33.914,0:39:39.580 Shining inside, shining outside, 0:39:39.580,0:39:45.330 it’s a moon I’ve never seen.[br] 0:39:45.330,0:39:51.075 I keep looking in amazement, 0:39:51.075,0:39:56.165 I keep looking in delight.[br] 0:39:56.165,0:40:02.600 And my joy surmounts the mountains, 0:40:02.600,0:40:11.012 I have found the moon inside. 0:40:27.354,0:40:32.420 I’m aware of time ... 0:40:32.420,0:40:41.056 And this is one of the ways I have found Thay. 0:40:41.056,0:40:56.377 Very shortly I will share with you other [br]ways I’ve found Thay in the course of years. 0:40:56.377,0:41:04.981 I’ve discovered that when I am [br]concentrated in my practice - 0:41:04.981,0:41:10.339 which of course I’m not always, [br]which is from time to time - 0:41:10.339,0:41:19.263 the more I am concentrated, really [br]concentrated, then Thay’s energy is there. 0:41:19.263,0:41:23.713 The more I am concentrated, [br]the more I feel Thay near. 0:41:23.713,0:41:29.076 He is there, in my practice. 0:41:29.076,0:41:33.967 My favorite practice is walking meditation. 0:41:33.967,0:41:37.853 And a few years, no, I guess many years ago, 0:41:39.008,0:41:44.956 Thay taught us what he did [br]sometimes during walking meditation. 0:41:44.956,0:41:52.792 He said, “Sometimes I walk with my [br]students, with one of my students. [br] 0:41:52.792,0:42:00.714 On my in-breath as I walk, I say [br]the name of that student. [br] 0:42:00.714,0:42:08.970 And on my out-breath, I say, [br]‘I am here, I am here, I am here’.” 0:42:08.970,0:42:15.662 I thought, “This is a very nice practice.[br]I’m going to try that for myself.” 0:42:15.662,0:42:18.668 I tried it when my father died. 0:42:18.668,0:42:31.045 And I said, “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy,[br]I am here, I am here, I am here.” 0:42:31.045,0:42:36.738 And as I continued to walk in this way, 0:42:36.738,0:42:39.857 my father became so present 0:42:39.857,0:42:49.644 that all by itself - I didn’t think of it -[br]but the words “I am here” changed into 0:42:49.664,0:42:55.102 [br]“We are here, we are here, we are here.”[br] 0:42:55.102,0:43:01.464 And the same, when I invite [br]Thay to walk with me. 0:43:01.464,0:43:09.820 then I always begin with “I am here” [br]until I really feel the presence of Thay. 0:43:09.830,0:43:14.235 And then I change it[br]- or it changes itself - into 0:43:14.235,0:43:18.485 “We are here, we are here.” 0:43:18.495,0:43:23.711 So this is another way I have [br]found Thay in my practice. 0:43:23.711,0:43:30.882 And then, much to my relief, after coming [br]a few years to Plum Village 0:43:30.882,0:43:36.432 and making friends here[br]- dear friends, Dharma friends - 0:43:36.432,0:43:43.327 I began to sense that when I was [br]with my friends, I began to sense, 0:43:43.327,0:43:47.716 "Thay is here, Thay is here." 0:43:47.716,0:43:51.981 He is in my friends. 0:43:51.981,0:43:59.481 And that was… that took away my fear [br]that when Thay is no longer there … [br] 0:43:59.531,0:44:08.238 I knew I have my friends. [br]I will find Thay in my Dharma friends. 0:44:08.238,0:44:15.410 And when I heard about Thay’s stroke,[br]I was shocked at first. 0:44:15.410,0:44:20.993 And that week, I went to the[br]Sangha in Amsterdam. 0:44:20.993,0:44:30.353 And in the Sangha, though there were people[br]who not even had been coming very often, 0:44:30.353,0:44:36.809 but yet the energy of the Sangha was there[br]and I experienced Thay’s presence there. 0:44:36.809,0:44:42.993 And I was so relieved.[br]It was such a reassurance to feel 0:44:42.993,0:44:48.354 Thay is really here. I can feel him. 0:44:48.354,0:44:57.578 And I am also aware that [br]Thay is in the way I look. 0:44:57.578,0:45:07.771 I have taken in so much of his words, [br]of what he has taught, that the way I see, 0:45:07.771,0:45:14.831 the way I hear, the way I think,[br]is so interwoven with what I’ve learned. 0:45:14.831,0:45:21.826 So Thay is there in what I see, [br]what I hear, what I think, 0:45:21.826,0:45:27.886 at least when I’m mindful. 0:45:27.886,0:45:34.746 And, now I am in the most lucky place [br] 0:45:34.746,0:45:46.414 to see Thay all around me[br]-- inside and all around. 0:45:46.414,0:45:53.237 Now, thank you for listening so long.[br]It’s already almost 12:30. 0:45:58.200,0:46:02.730 [The bell is woken up.] 0:46:03.507,0:46:21.377 [The bell is invited the first of 3 times.] 0:46:21.377,0:46:35.289 [The bell second of the bell.] 0:46:35.289,0:46:38.299 [And soon, the third sound of the bell.]