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← A Series of Unfortunate People Ep #7: Mother's Day

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Showing Revision 1 created 05/10/2011 by joesackett.

  1. The following incident is a reenactment.
  2. Professional actors will depict different characters in each episode.
  3. That was a mistake!
  4. Nobody checks the handicapped sticker.
  5. Mom, we’re just not comfortable with it.
  6. Yeah, and it’s a really expensive ticket, by the way.
  7. Well, I got a bum knee and a broken vagina.
  8. Ticket that!
  9. (DING! DING! DING!)
  10. MOTHER'S DAY
  11. Good afternoon, welcome to the El Fuerte...
  12. What’s good about it?
  13. Sorry! It was a long drive. Ha ha ha!
  14. Um, we have our registration.
  15. You got room in the trash for Mama?
  16. Unless you want my crust.
  17. Trust me, you don’t want that.
  18. My sister and I are on the list.
  19. And, um, we have our mom with us today.
  20. Does she have a reservation with us?
  21. I have a reservation about your haircut.
  22. It should be under Turner.
  23. P F-ing U!
  24. Either something died in this...
  25. Ma, I’ll put you back in the car so fast.
  26. Oh G-d!
  27. -You got a gas mask? -Okay!
  28. Uh, here it is! We’re with The Women’s Conference.
  29. Wonderful.
  30. (RING! RING!)
  31. Hey!
  32. Hello?
  33. Check out Slim here. She got herself in BIG trouble.
  34. No. No trouble. This was planned.
  35. -Of course. -Yeah
  36. (Charlotte, it’s Dr. Lieberman. Is your mother with you?)
  37. Oh, yes.
  38. I gotta piss like a racehorse.
  39. I know.
  40. We are going to get registered, and then find you a bathroom.
  41. (Charlotte, your mom’s tests results came back.)
  42. (I’m afraid they’re not good.)
  43. ...Would the person who shat themselves please come clean?
  44. Dr. Lieberman just called.
  45. Mom’s doctor?
  46. (BURP!)
  47. You’re just not gonna believe this.
  48. I will, just tell me.
  49. Mom’s an Obnoxious Bitch.
  50. (CRASH!)
  51. Hey, I need a mani-pedi.
  52. You got any chinks around here?
  53. They ran a battery of tests.
  54. Oh -- oh my G-d.
  55. What does that even mean?
  56. She’s in stage four.
  57. Legally, they quarantine you at stage five.
  58. The doctor said she shouldn’t be using public restrooms,
  59. eating with others, or in the proximity of the disabled.
  60. (TWEET!)
  61. They have it wrong.
  62. Maybe she has partial brain damage?
  63. A unique strain of Tourettes?
  64. There is no way Mom is an Obnoxious Bitch.
  65. Wake up, Jenna! We have to face this now.
  66. There’s gotta be something they can do.
  67. What are the options? Can -- Can she get surgery?
  68. The doctor said there’s not a surgeon in the country that would take that risk.
  69. The procedure would kill her?
  70. No, the surgeon would.
  71. Doctors say she’s the most Obnoxious Bitch they’ve ever seen.
  72. Is she going to die?
  73. Not soon enough.
  74. Those two are my daughters right there.
  75. The one on the right I almost aborted.
  76. The one on the left has got G-d-knows-what swimmin’ in there.
  77. I -- I need to call Steve.
  78. Oh, no! You cannot call Steve.
  79. Why?
  80. It runs in families.
  81. They say it skips a generation.
  82. You could be carrying an Obnoxious Bitch right now.
  83. Oh!
  84. What are we going to do?
  85. Also, exposure causes early onset.
  86. (SMACK!)
  87. Take a hard look at yourself.
  88. I’m slipping.
  89. (BRAP!)
  90. Both of us are. We must abandon her.
  91. Here? Now?
  92. (TWEET!)
  93. RAPE!!! Handy, right?
  94. We have to go this very minute.
  95. Okay, um...I’m on board.
  96. We’ll change our last names, and then we’ll call the cops.
  97. Right, right, right!
  98. They’ll take her into custody.
  99. She’s no longer our problem. I like that.
  100. -Move! Go! -What?
  101. GO! GO! GO!
  102. Yeah, I don’t need to know that.
  103. No, no, no, no. I am an expert in discharge.
  104. Just ask away!
  105. Nasal, Vaginal, Anal.
  106. Our short webseries tells these stories.
  107. Real stories.
  108. You married the whiny bitch.
  109. Well, we made them up
  110. but they’ll remind you of folks you know.
  111. Speaking of horse c*ck
  112. This seriously hurts my titties.
  113. Mine too!
  114. She has a condition.
  115. She does.
  116. It’s so wet!
  117. A Series of Unfortunate People
  118. We’re gonna need back up.
  119. The walls are closing in on me!
  120. Now.