Hey God it's me Ellen

can I ask you a question?

how do I tell my friend Oprah

she's gonna get more whipped

than Stedman

I'll make her head spin

when it comes to rhymes

I got a penchant

so if battling me is your intention

I better mention

you're bout to get licked by a lesbian

oh I'll knock you off of your throne

take a shot at everything you OWN

I got the skill to make Doctor Phil say

I think you better just leave her alone

you can tell Rachael Ray

that my favorite recipe

is chopping Oprah Winfrey up

into a million little pieces

I'm the Queen of TV

and I'm here to destroy ya

so check under your seat

because I got something for ya

you can't even hope

to be as half as dope as Oprah

I'll attract my hands

around your throat

and Deepak choke ya

girl your show's a petting zoo

you do a week on kittens

and you dance like a chicken

who snuck into Drunk Kitchen

you played a fish with brain damage

I'm a nominated actress

name's synonymous with power

spell it forwards or backwards

Yes you've got that power

and yes I've got those kittens

I also feature puppies

talented children

and mittens

I like cute things that make people smile

make everybody feel good for a while

do a little dance and the crowd goes wild

kick you right back to the miracle mile

I thought I told ya

your daytime reign is over

I'm jumping over Oprah

like I'm Tom Cruise on a sofa

from ABC to LGBT

to NBC and now it's all me

I'm the best emcee

and the biggest star

and I'll bite you in the ass

like the tax on a free car

Your mouth is writing checks

your mullet can't cash lady

I'll lodge my fabulous shoe

up your suit pants baby

you follow my lead

cause I paved the road for ya

you drive behind me

in a secondhand Porsche

check the Fortune 500

I'm a media wonder

the Dalai Lama and Obama

memorize my cell number

try to beef with me

I'll make the whole market crash honey

once you go Oprah

you can't go back

Who won?

Who's next?

You decide