10 ways to have a better conversation | Celeste Headlee | TEDxCreativeCoast
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0:14 - 0:16All right, I want to see a show of hands:
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0:16 - 0:18how many of you have
unfriended someone on Facebook -
0:18 - 0:22because they said something offensive
about politics or religion, -
0:22 - 0:24childcare, food?
-
0:24 - 0:26(Laughter)
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0:26 - 0:29And how many of you
know at least one person that you avoid -
0:29 - 0:32because you just don't want
to talk to them? -
0:32 - 0:34(Laughter)
-
0:34 - 0:38You know, it used to be that in order
to have a polite conversation, -
0:38 - 0:41we just had to follow the advice
of Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady": -
0:41 - 0:43Stick to the weather and your health.
-
0:43 - 0:46But these days, with climate change
and anti-vaxxing, those subjects -- -
0:46 - 0:48(Laughter)
-
0:48 - 0:49are not safe either.
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0:49 - 0:51So this world that we live in,
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0:52 - 0:54this world in which every conversation
-
0:54 - 0:57has the potential
to devolve into an argument, -
0:57 - 0:59where our politicians
can't speak to one another -
0:59 - 1:01and where even the most trivial of issues
-
1:01 - 1:06have someone fighting both passionately
for it and against it, it's not normal. -
1:06 - 1:09Pew Research did a study
of 10,000 American adults, -
1:09 - 1:12and they found that at this moment,
we are more polarized, -
1:12 - 1:14we are more divided,
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1:14 - 1:16than we ever have been in history.
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1:16 - 1:18We're less likely to compromise,
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1:18 - 1:20which means we're
not listening to each other. -
1:20 - 1:23And we make decisions about where to live,
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1:23 - 1:25who to marry and even
who our friends are going to be, -
1:25 - 1:28based on what we already believe.
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1:28 - 1:30Again, that means
we're not listening to each other. -
1:30 - 1:34A conversation requires a balance
between talking and listening, -
1:34 - 1:37and somewhere along the way,
we lost that balance. -
1:37 - 1:39Now, part of that is due to technology.
-
1:39 - 1:41The smartphones that you all
either have in your hands -
1:41 - 1:44or close enough that you could
grab them really quickly. -
1:44 - 1:45According to Pew Research,
-
1:45 - 1:51about a third of American teenagers
send more than a hundred texts a day. -
1:51 - 1:55And many of them, almost most of them,
are more likely to text their friends -
1:55 - 1:57than they are to talk
to them face to face. -
1:58 - 2:00There's this great piece in The Atlantic.
-
2:00 - 2:03It was written by a high school teacher
named Paul Barnwell. -
2:03 - 2:05And he gave his kids
a communication project. -
2:05 - 2:09He wanted to teach them how to speak
on a specific subject without using notes. -
2:09 - 2:11And he said this: "I came to realize..."
-
2:11 - 2:14(Laughter)
-
2:14 - 2:17"I came to realize
that conversational competence -
2:17 - 2:21might be the single
most overlooked skill we fail to teach. -
2:21 - 2:25Kids spend hours each day engaging
with ideas and each other through screens, -
2:25 - 2:27but rarely do they have an opportunity
-
2:27 - 2:30to hone their interpersonal
communications skills. -
2:30 - 2:33It might sound like a funny question,
but we have to ask ourselves: -
2:33 - 2:35Is there any 21st-century skill
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2:35 - 2:41more important than being able to sustain
coherent, confident conversation?" -
2:41 - 2:43Now, I make my living talking to people:
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2:43 - 2:45Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers,
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2:45 - 2:48billionaires, kindergarten teachers,
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2:48 - 2:51heads of state, plumbers.
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2:51 - 2:54I talk to people that I like.
I talk to people that I don't like. -
2:54 - 2:57I talk to some people that I disagree with
deeply on a personal level. -
2:57 - 3:00But I still have
a great conversation with them. -
3:00 - 3:04So I'd like to spend the next 10 minutes
or so teaching you how to talk -
3:04 - 3:05and how to listen.
-
3:07 - 3:09Many of you have already heard
a lot of advice on this, -
3:09 - 3:11things like look the person in the eye,
-
3:11 - 3:15think of interesting topics
to discuss in advance, -
3:15 - 3:20look, nod and smile to show
that you're paying attention, -
3:20 - 3:23repeat back what you just heard
or summarize it. -
3:23 - 3:24So I want you to forget all of that.
-
3:24 - 3:26It is crap.
-
3:26 - 3:29(Laughter)
-
3:29 - 3:33There is no reason to learn
how to show you're paying attention -
3:33 - 3:37if you are in fact paying attention.
-
3:37 - 3:39(Laughter)
-
3:39 - 3:41(Applause)
-
3:43 - 3:47Now, I actually use the exact
same skills as a professional interviewer -
3:47 - 3:49that I do in regular life.
-
3:50 - 3:53So, I'm going to teach you
how to interview people, -
3:53 - 3:57and that's actually going to help you
learn how to be better conversationalists. -
3:57 - 3:59Learn to have a conversation
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3:59 - 4:01without wasting your time,
without getting bored, -
4:01 - 4:04and, please God,
without offending anybody. -
4:04 - 4:06We've all had really great conversations.
-
4:06 - 4:09We've had them before.
We know what it's like. -
4:09 - 4:12The kind of conversation where you
walk away feeling engaged and inspired, -
4:12 - 4:15or where you feel
like you've made a real connection -
4:15 - 4:17or you've been perfectly understood.
-
4:17 - 4:18There is no reason
-
4:18 - 4:21why most of your interactions
can't be like that. -
4:21 - 4:24So I have 10 basic rules.
I'm going to walk you through all of them, -
4:24 - 4:28but honestly, if you just choose
one of them and master it, -
4:28 - 4:31you'll already enjoy better conversations.
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4:31 - 4:33Number one: Don't multitask.
-
4:33 - 4:35And I don't mean
just set down your cell phone -
4:35 - 4:38or your tablet or your car keys
or whatever is in your hand. -
4:38 - 4:40I mean, be present.
-
4:40 - 4:42Be in that moment.
-
4:43 - 4:46Don't think about your argument
you had with your boss. -
4:46 - 4:48Don't think about what
you're going to have for dinner. -
4:48 - 4:50If you want to get out
of the conversation, -
4:50 - 4:52get out of the conversation,
-
4:52 - 4:54but don't be half in it
and half out of it. -
4:54 - 4:56Number two: Don't pontificate.
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4:56 - 4:58If you want to state your opinion
-
4:58 - 5:04without any opportunity for response
or argument or pushback or growth, -
5:04 - 5:06write a blog.
-
5:06 - 5:09(Laughter)
-
5:09 - 5:13Now, there's a really good reason
why I don't allow pundits on my show: -
5:13 - 5:14Because they're really boring.
-
5:14 - 5:18If they're conservative, they're going to
hate Obama and food stamps and abortion. -
5:18 - 5:20If they're liberal, they're going to hate
-
5:20 - 5:23big banks and oil corporations
and Dick Cheney. -
5:23 - 5:24Totally predictable.
-
5:24 - 5:26And you don't want to be like that.
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5:26 - 5:30You need to enter every conversation
assuming that you have something to learn. -
5:31 - 5:33The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said
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5:33 - 5:37that true listening requires
a setting aside of oneself. -
5:37 - 5:41And sometimes that means
setting aside your personal opinion. -
5:41 - 5:45He said that sensing this acceptance,
-
5:45 - 5:48the speaker will become
less and less vulnerable -
5:48 - 5:50and more and more likely
to open up the inner recesses -
5:50 - 5:53of his or her mind to the listener.
-
5:53 - 5:56Again, assume that you have
something to learn. -
5:56 - 6:00Bill Nye: "Everyone you will ever meet
knows something that you don't." -
6:01 - 6:02I put it this way:
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6:02 - 6:05Everybody is an expert in something.
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6:07 - 6:09Number three: Use open-ended questions.
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6:09 - 6:12In this case, take a cue from journalists.
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6:12 - 6:15Start your questions with who,
what, when, where, why or how. -
6:15 - 6:19If you put in a complicated question,
you're going to get a simple answer out. -
6:19 - 6:21If I ask you, "Were you terrified?"
-
6:21 - 6:25you're going to respond to the most
powerful word in that sentence, -
6:25 - 6:28which is "terrified," and the answer is
"Yes, I was" or "No, I wasn't." -
6:28 - 6:30"Were you angry?" "Yes, I was very angry."
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6:30 - 6:33Let them describe it.
They're the ones that know. -
6:33 - 6:36Try asking them things like,
"What was that like?" -
6:36 - 6:38"How did that feel?"
-
6:38 - 6:42Because then they might have to stop
for a moment and think about it, -
6:42 - 6:45and you're going to get
a much more interesting response. -
6:45 - 6:47Number four: Go with the flow.
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6:48 - 6:51That means thoughts
will come into your mind -
6:51 - 6:54and you need to let them
go out of your mind. -
6:54 - 6:56We've heard interviews often
-
6:56 - 6:58in which a guest is talking
for several minutes -
6:58 - 7:01and then the host comes back in
and asks a question -
7:01 - 7:04which seems like it comes out of nowhere,
or it's already been answered. -
7:04 - 7:07That means the host probably
stopped listening two minutes ago -
7:07 - 7:10because he thought
of this really clever question, -
7:10 - 7:13and he was just bound
and determined to say that. -
7:13 - 7:16And we do the exact same thing.
-
7:16 - 7:18We're sitting there having
a conversation with someone, -
7:18 - 7:22and then we remember that time
that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop. -
7:22 - 7:24(Laughter)
-
7:24 - 7:25And we stop listening.
-
7:25 - 7:28We're just waiting for a moment
to interject our story -
7:28 - 7:30about Hugh Jackman and coffee.
-
7:30 - 7:33Stories and ideas
are going to come to you. -
7:33 - 7:36You need to let them come and let them go.
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7:36 - 7:40Number five: If you don't know,
say that you don't know. -
7:41 - 7:44Now, people on the radio,
especially on NPR, -
7:44 - 7:46are much more aware
that they're going on the record, -
7:46 - 7:50and so they're more careful
about what they claim to be an expert in -
7:50 - 7:52and what they claim to know for sure.
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7:52 - 7:54Do that. Err on the side of caution.
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7:54 - 7:57Talk should not be cheap.
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7:57 - 8:01Number six: Don't equate
your experience with theirs. -
8:02 - 8:04If they're talking
about having lost a family member, -
8:04 - 8:08don't start talking about the time
you lost a family member. -
8:08 - 8:10If they're talking about the trouble
they're having at work, -
8:10 - 8:13don't tell them about
how much you hate your job. -
8:13 - 8:15It's not the same. It is never the same.
-
8:15 - 8:17All experiences are individual.
-
8:17 - 8:20And, more importantly,
it is not about you. -
8:20 - 8:23You don't need to take that moment
to prove how amazing you are -
8:23 - 8:26or how much you've suffered.
-
8:26 - 8:29Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once
what his IQ was, and he said, -
8:29 - 8:32"I have no idea. People who brag
about their IQs are losers." -
8:32 - 8:34(Laughter)
-
8:34 - 8:37Conversations are not
a promotional opportunity. -
8:37 - 8:39[Conversation in the 21st century]
-
8:39 - 8:42[How are you today?
Read my blog!] -
8:43 - 8:44Number seven:
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8:44 - 8:46Try not to repeat yourself.
-
8:46 - 8:48It's condescending,
and it's really boring, -
8:48 - 8:49and we tend to do it a lot.
-
8:49 - 8:53Especially in work conversations
or in conversations with our kids, -
8:53 - 8:54we have a point to make,
-
8:54 - 8:57so we just keep rephrasing it
over and over. -
8:57 - 8:59Don't do that.
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8:59 - 9:01Number eight: Stay out of the weeds.
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9:01 - 9:04Frankly, people don't care
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9:04 - 9:06about the years, the names,
-
9:06 - 9:09the dates, all those details
-
9:09 - 9:11that you're struggling
to come up with in your mind. -
9:11 - 9:14They don't care.
What they care about is you. -
9:14 - 9:16They care about what you're like,
-
9:16 - 9:18what you have in common.
-
9:18 - 9:21So forget the details. Leave them out.
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9:21 - 9:22Number nine:
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9:22 - 9:25This is not the last one,
but it is the most important one. -
9:25 - 9:27Listen.
-
9:27 - 9:30I cannot tell you how many
really important people have said -
9:30 - 9:34that listening is perhaps the most,
the number one most important skill -
9:34 - 9:36that you could develop.
-
9:36 - 9:37Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing,
-
9:37 - 9:40"If your mouth is open,
you're not learning." -
9:40 - 9:44And Calvin Coolidge said, "No man
ever listened his way out of a job." -
9:45 - 9:47(Laughter)
-
9:47 - 9:49Why do we not listen to each other?
-
9:49 - 9:51Number one, we'd rather talk.
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9:51 - 9:53When I'm talking, I'm in control.
-
9:53 - 9:56I don't have to hear anything
I'm not interested in. -
9:56 - 9:57I'm the center of attention.
-
9:57 - 10:00I can bolster my own identity.
-
10:00 - 10:01But there's another reason:
-
10:01 - 10:03We get distracted.
-
10:03 - 10:06The average person talks
at about 225 word per minute, -
10:06 - 10:10but we can listen at up to
500 words per minute. -
10:11 - 10:14So our minds are filling in
those other 275 words. -
10:14 - 10:18And look, I know,
it takes effort and energy -
10:18 - 10:20to actually pay attention to someone,
-
10:20 - 10:23but if you can't do that,
you're not in a conversation. -
10:23 - 10:26You're just two people shouting out
barely related sentences -
10:26 - 10:27in the same place.
-
10:27 - 10:29(Laughter)
-
10:29 - 10:32You have to listen to one another.
-
10:32 - 10:34Stephen Covey said it very beautifully.
-
10:34 - 10:37He said, "Most of us don't listen
with the intent to understand. -
10:37 - 10:40We listen with the intent to reply."
-
10:41 - 10:46One more rule, number 10,
and it's this one: Be brief. -
10:47 - 10:50[A good conversation is like a miniskirt;
short enough to retain interest, -
10:50 - 10:53but long enough to cover
the subject. -- My Sister] -
10:53 - 10:55(Laughter)
-
10:55 - 10:56(Applause)
-
11:00 - 11:05All of this boils down to the same
basic concept, and it is this one: -
11:05 - 11:07Be interested in other people.
-
11:08 - 11:11You know, I grew up
with a very famous grandfather, -
11:11 - 11:13and there was kind of a ritual in my home.
-
11:13 - 11:15People would come over
to talk to my grandparents, -
11:15 - 11:18and after they would leave,
my mother would come over to us, -
11:18 - 11:21and she'd say, "Do you know who that was?
-
11:21 - 11:22She was the runner-up to Miss America.
-
11:22 - 11:24He was the mayor of Sacramento.
-
11:24 - 11:27She won a Pulitzer Prize.
He's a Russian ballet dancer." -
11:27 - 11:30And I kind of grew up assuming
-
11:30 - 11:33everyone has some hidden,
amazing thing about them. -
11:34 - 11:37And honestly, I think
it's what makes me a better host. -
11:38 - 11:40I keep my mouth shut
as often as I possibly can, -
11:40 - 11:42I keep my mind open,
-
11:42 - 11:44and I'm always prepared to be amazed,
-
11:44 - 11:47and I'm never disappointed.
-
11:47 - 11:49You do the same thing.
-
11:49 - 11:51Go out, talk to people,
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11:51 - 11:53listen to people,
-
11:53 - 11:56and, most importantly,
be prepared to be amazed. -
11:56 - 11:58Thanks.
-
11:58 - 12:00(Applause)
- Title:
- 10 ways to have a better conversation | Celeste Headlee | TEDxCreativeCoast
- Description:
-
When your job hinges on how well you talk to people, you learn a lot about how to have conversations -- and that most of us don't converse very well. Celeste Headlee has worked as a radio host for decades, and she knows the ingredients of a great conversation: Honesty, brevity, clarity and a healthy amount of listening. In this insightful talk, she shares 10 useful rules for having better conversations. "Go out, talk to people, listen to people," she says. "And, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed."
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 12:07
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for 10 ways to have a better conversation | Celeste Headlee | TEDxCreativeCoast | ||
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for 10 ways to have a better conversation | Celeste Headlee | TEDxCreativeCoast | ||
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for 10 ways to have a better conversation | Celeste Headlee | TEDxCreativeCoast | ||
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for 10 ways to have a better conversation | Celeste Headlee | TEDxCreativeCoast | ||
TED Translators admin edited English subtitles for 10 ways to have a better conversation | Celeste Headlee | TEDxCreativeCoast |