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It's risky to talk about pregnancy.
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That's why I'm starting
this way, by warning you.
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There are women who want to get pregnant,
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and unfortunately they can't;
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others who, on the other hand,
get pregnant unintentionally.
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It is estimated that about 50%
of pregnancies are unplanned.
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Other times, pregnancy
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is the traumatic result of sexual assault.
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Other times again,
a couple has just finished
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the last assisted fertilization cycle
that they could afford.
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When I speak of pregnancy,
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I speak not only to women,
but also to men.
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Suppose a person has to, wants to
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or even can conceive children
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on the pure basis of her gender
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is intrusive and assuming.
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25% of pregnancies end with a miscarriage.
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One woman out of four -
one couple, out of four.
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This means,
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every time we see three couples
announcing a pregnancy on social media,
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there's a person at home,
a woman, a couple,
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who couldn't make that same announcement.
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When we mourn,
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we used to talk about it with our family,
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with our loved ones,
with our friends, even on social media.
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This allows us to receive
the support we need
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to overcome a traumatic event.
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However, this does not apply
to miscarriages.
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Abortion remains a solitary,
unconfessable event,
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where women and couples
are isolated from the "12-week rule".
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Let me introduce again: I'm Erika,
and last year I lost a child.
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Talking about miscarriages
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it's difficult, it's personal and sad;
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but it's not rare, or unnatural.
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When, last year, I found
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that my pregnancy would not be successful,
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I hated myself for not talking
to anyone about it.
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I had to call my parents, my friends,
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and announce: I was pregnant;
I no longer am.
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This of course complicates
the conversation,
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because I felt invisible,
not enough, inadequate.
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How many other women
have felt that way, like me?
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Precisely because you're isolated
from this "12-week rule."
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Do you know it?
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According to the 12-week rule,
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what a woman, a couple should do
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is to announce pregnancy
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only at the end
of the 12th week of gestation,
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when pregnancy is out of danger,
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and the risk of miscarriage drops.
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Warning: it does not zero!
But it drops dramatically.
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I like to include this 12-week rule
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in what I call "Fake Life Rules."
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Fake life rules are those lies
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we tell each other, and grow up with,
believing that they are true.
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Some examples?
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Go to university; graduate;
find the right person;
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get married; make children; and so on.
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Every generation has its own.
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Within these rules
there's also a whole series of rules
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that affect women and the female reality.
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You don't expect a woman
to talk about being a woman,
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biologically speaking:
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he doesn't expect us to talk
about abortions or menstruation and so on.
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A woman - today, but also in the past -
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faces several challenges:
social, economic and health.
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When these challenges intersect,
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what she can do is find
an adverse social environment.
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And what happens?
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That even pregnancy becomes a challenge.
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Pregnancy becomes a place
to represent yourself:
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Am I worthy? Who am I?
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But what if a woman doesn't want a child?
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What if a couple doesn't want a child?
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What happens,
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when a person tells us
she doesn't want to have a child?
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Tipically, we all begin to ask: why?
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Why, then, don't we ask
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to all those people
who want to be parents,
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or who already are,
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why do they want to be,
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as much as we ask people
who don't want to be
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why they don't want to?
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We live in a performance society,
where only results matters:
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the job we work, how much we make,
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what school we attended,
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how well we graduated from high school.
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It all seems so... fake;
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it almost seems that we have to comply
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with the standards
of the Happy Family tv ad.
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Isn't that right?
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And what happens when even a child
becomes a goal to achieve,
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when even that son comes back
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on the list of fake life rules
that we need to follow?
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That we feel a failure,
that we feel inadequate,
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we feel invisible, we don't feel up to it.
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It was therapeutic for me
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to share my experience of miscarriage;
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and above all to understand
that there are different versions,
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that every person has their own narrative.
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To free us from oppressions, taboos,
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what we have to do, maybe,
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is just accepting that each person
has their own story to tell,
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whatever it is;
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and above all, stereotypes
should be droppped.
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How can we break down stereotypes?
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By listening.
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Accepting that every person
can tell us their own story,
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making others less invisible.
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And most importantly, accept
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that there is not a single way
to be a mother, and a woman.
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Thank you.