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The difference between healthy and unhealthy love

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    So when you think about a child,
    a close friend, or a romantic partner,
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    the word "love" probably comes to mind,
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    and instantly other emotions rush in:
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    joy and hope,
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    excitement, trust and security,
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    and yes, sometimes
    sadness and disappointment.
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    There might not be
    a word in the dictionary
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    that more of us
    are connected to than love.
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    Yet, given its central
    importance in our lives,
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    isn't it interesting that we're never
    explicitly taught how to love?
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    We build friendships,
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    navigate early romantic relationships,
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    get married and bring babies
    home from the hospital
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    with the expectation
    that we'll figure it out.
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    But the truth is, we often
    harm and disrespect the ones we love.
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    It can be subtle things
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    like guilting a friend
    into spending time with you
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    or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts
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    or shaming a child
    for their lack of effort at school.
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    100 percent of us
    will be on the receiving end
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    of unhealthy relationship behaviors
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    and 100 percent of us
    will do unhealthy things.
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    It's part of being human.
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    In its worst form,
    the harm we inflict on loved ones
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    shows up as abuse and violence,
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    and relationship abuse
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    is something that one in three women
    and one in four men
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    will experience in their lifetime.
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    Now, if you're like most people,
    when you hear those stats,
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    you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no,
    that would never happen to me."
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    It's instinctual to move away
    from the words "abuse" and "violence,"
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    to think that they happen
    to someone else somewhere else.
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    But the truth is, unhealthy relationships
    and abuse are all around us.
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    We just call them different things
    and ignore the connection.
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    Abuse sneaks up on us
    disguised in unhealthy love.
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    I work for an organization called One Love
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    started by a family whose daughter
    Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.
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    This was a tragedy no one saw coming,
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    but when they looked back,
    they realized the warning signs were there
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    just no one understood
    what they were seeing.
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    Called crazy or drama
    or too much drinking,
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    his actions weren't understood
    to be what they really were,
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    which was clear signs of danger.
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    Her family realized that if anyone
    had been educated about these signs,
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    her death could have been prevented.
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    So today we're on a mission to make sure
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    that others have the information
    that Yeardley and her friends didn't.
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    We have three main goals:
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    give all of us a language
    for talking about a subject
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    that's quite awkward
    and uncomfortable to discuss;
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    empower a whole front line,
    namely friends, to help;
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    and, in the process, improve
    all of our ability to love better.
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    To do this, it's always important
    to start by illuminating
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    the unhealthy signs
    that we frequently miss,
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    and our work really focuses
    on creating content
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    to start conversations with young people.
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    As you'd expect, most of our content
    is pretty serious,
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    given the subject at hand,
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    but today I'm going to use
    one of our more light-hearted
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    yet still thought-provoking pieces,
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    "The Couplets,"
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    to illuminate five markers
    of unhealthy love.
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    The first is intensity.
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    (Video) Blue: I haven't seen you
    in a couple days. I've missed you.
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    Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)
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    Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes.
    It feels like a lifetime.
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    What have you been doing
    without me for five whole minutes?
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    Orange: It's been three minutes.
    (#thatsnotlove)
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    Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that?
    I don't know. I do.
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    Abusive relationships
    don't start out abusive.
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    They start out exciting and exhilarating.
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    There's an intensity
    of affection and emotion, a rush.
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    It feels really good.
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    You feel so lucky,
    like you've hit the jackpot.
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    But in unhealthy love,
    these feelings shift over time
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    from exciting to overwhelming
    and maybe a little bit suffocating.
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    You feel it in your gut.
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    Maybe it's when your
    new boyfriend or girlfriend
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    says "I love you"
    faster than you were ready for
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    or starts showing up everywhere,
    texting and calling a lot.
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    Maybe they're impatient
    when you're slow to respond,
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    even though they know
    you had other things going on that day.
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    It's important to remember that it's not
    how a relationship starts that matters,
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    it's how it evolves.
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    It's important in the early days
    of a new relationship
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    to pay attention to how you're feeling.
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    Are you comfortable
    with the pace of intimacy?
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    Do you feel like you have space
    and room to breathe?
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    It's also really important
    to start practicing using your voice
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    to talk about your own needs.
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    Are your requests respected?
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    A second marker is isolation.
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    (Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?
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    Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend
    always have Monday Funday.
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    Orange 2: Want to hang out?
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    Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend
    always have Monday Funday.
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    Orange 2: Tomorrow?
    Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.
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    Orange 2: Wednesday?
    Orange 1: No Friends Day.
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    KH: If you ask me, isolation
    is one of the most frequently missed
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    and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.
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    Why?
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    Because every new relationship
    starts out with this intense desire
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    to spend time together,
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    it's easy to miss when something shifts.
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    Isolation creeps in
    when your new boyfriend or girlfriend
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    starts pulling you away
    from your friends and family,
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    your support system,
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    and tethering you more tightly to them.
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    They might say things like,
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    "Why do you hang out with them?
    They're such losers"
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    about your best friends,
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    or, "They want us to break up.
    They're totally against us"
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    about your family.
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    Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt
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    about everyone from
    your prerelationship life.
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    Healthy love includes independence,
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    two people who love spending time together
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    but who stay connected to the people
    and activities they cared about before.
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    While at first you might spend
    every waking minute together,
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    over time maintaining independence is key.
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    You do this by making plans with friends
    and sticking to them
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    and encouraging your partner
    to do the same.
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    A third marker of unhealthy love
    is extreme jealousy.
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    (Video) Blue 2:
    What are you so happy about?
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    Blue 1: She just started
    following me on Instagram!
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    Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?
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    Blue 1: She, she just started
    following me, like, everywhere.
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    (#thatsnotlove)
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    KH: As the honeymoon period
    begins to fade,
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    extreme jealousy can creep in.
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    Your partner might become more demanding,
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    needing to know where you are
    and who you're with all the time,
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    or they might start following you
    everywhere, online and off.
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    Extreme jealousy also brings with it
    possessiveness and mistrust,
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    frequent accusations
    of flirting with other people or cheating,
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    and refusal to listen to you
    when you tell them
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    they have nothing to worry about
    and that you only love them.
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    Jealousy is a part
    of any human relationship,
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    but extreme jealousy is different.
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    There's a threatening, desperate
    and angry edge to it.
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    Love shouldn't feel like this.
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    A fourth marker is belittling.
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    (Video) Blue: Wanna hang out?
    Orange: I gotta study.
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    Blue: You'll get an A anyway,
    A for amazing. (#thatslove)
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    Blue: Wanna hang out?
    Orange: I gotta study.
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    Blue: You'll get an F anyway,
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    F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)
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    KH: Yeah, hmm.
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    In unhealthy love,
    words are used as weapons.
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    Conversations that used to be
    fun and lighthearted
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    turn mean and embarrassing.
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    Maybe your partner makes fun of you
    in a way that hurts,
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    or maybe they tell stories and jokes
    for laughs at your expense.
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    When you try to explain
    that your feelings have been hurt,
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    they shut you down
    and accuse you of overreacting.
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    "Why are you so sensitive?
    What's your problem. Give me a break."
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    You are silenced by these words.
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    It seems pretty obvious,
    but your partner should have your back.
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    Their words should build you up,
    not break you down.
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    They should keep
    your secrets and be loyal.
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    They should make you feel more confident,
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    not less.
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    Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.
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    (Video) Orange 1:
    I'd be sad if we broke up.
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    Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)
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    Orange 1: I'd so depressed
    if we ever broke up.
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    I'd throw myself off this step.
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    I would! Don't try to stop me!
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    (#thatsnotlove)
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    KH: Frequent breakups and makeups,
    high highs and low lows:
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    as tension rises, so does volatility.
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    Tearful, frustrated fights
    followed by emotional makeups,
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    hateful and hurtful comments like,
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    "You're worthless,
    I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"
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    followed quickly by apologies
    and promises it will never happen again.
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    By this point, you've been so conditioned
    to this relationship roller coaster
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    that you may not realize how unhealthy
    and maybe even dangerous
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    your relationship has become.
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    It can be really hard to see
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    when unhealthy love turns towards abuse,
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    but it's fair to say
    that the more of these markers
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    your relationship might have,
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    the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous
    your relationship could be.
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    And if your instinct is
    to break up and leave,
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    which is advice
    so many of us give our friends
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    when they're in unhealthy relationships,
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    that's not always the best advice.
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    Time of breakup can be
    a real trigger for violence.
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    If you fear you might be
    headed towards abuse or in abuse,
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    you need to consult with experts
    to get the advice on how to leave safely.
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    But it's not just
    about romantic relationships
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    and it's not just about violence.
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    Understanding the signs of unhealthy love
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    can help you audit and understand
    nearly every relationship in your life.
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    For the first time, you might understand
    why you're disappointed in a friendship
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    or why every interaction
    with a certain family member
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    leaves you discouraged and anxious.
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    You might even begin to see
    how your own intensity and jealousy
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    is causing problems
    with colleagues at work.
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    Understanding is
    the first step to improving,
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    and while you can't make
    every unhealthy relationship healthy --
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    some you're going
    to have to leave behind --
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    you can do your part every day
    to do relationships better.
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    And here's the exciting news:
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    it's actually not rocket science.
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    Open communication, mutual respect,
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    kindness, patience --
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    we can practice these things every day.
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    And while practice
    will definitely make you better,
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    I have to promise you
    it's also not going to make you perfect.
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    I do this for a living
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    and every day I think and talk
    about healthy relationships,
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    and still I do unhealthy things.
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    Just the other day as I was trying
    to shuttle my four kids out the door
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    amidst quarreling, squabbling
    and complaints about breakfast,
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    I completely lost it.
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    With an intentionally angry edge,
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    I screamed,
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    "Everybody just shut up and do what I say!
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    You are the worst!
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    I am going to take away
    screen time and dessert
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    and anything else you could possibly
    ever enjoy in life!"
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    (Laughter)
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    Anybody been there?
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    (Applause)
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    Volatility, belittling.
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    My oldest son turned around
    and looked at me, and said,
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    "Mom, that's not love."
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    (Laughter)
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    For a minute, I really wanted
    to kill him for calling me out.
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    Trust me.
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    But then I gathered myself
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    and I thought, you know what,
    I'm actually proud.
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    I'm proud that he has a language
    to make me pause.
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    I want all of my kids to understand
    what the bar should be
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    for how they're treated
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    and to have a language and a voice
    to use when that bar is not met
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    versus just accepting it.
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    For too long, we've treated
    relationships as a soft topic,
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    when relationship skills
    are one of the most important
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    and hard to build things in life.
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    Not only can understanding unhealthy signs
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    help you avoid the rabbit hole
    that leads to unhealthy love,
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    but understanding and practicing
    the art of being healthy
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    can improve nearly
    every aspect of your life.
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    I'm completely convinced
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    that while love is
    an instinct and an emotion,
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    the ability to love better
    is a skill we can all build
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    and improve on over time.
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    Thank you.
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    (Applause)
タイトル:
The difference between healthy and unhealthy love
話者:
Katie Hood
概説:

In a talk about understanding and practicing the art of healthy relationships, Katie Hood reveals the five signs you might be in an unhealthy relationship -- with a romantic partner, a friend, a family member -- and shares the things you can do every day to love with respect, kindness and joy. "While love is an instinct and an emotion, the ability to love better is a skill we can all build and improve on over time," she says.

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Video Language:
English
Team:
closed TED
プロジェクト:
TEDTalks
Duration:
12:13

English subtitles

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