-
So when you think about a child,
a close friend, or a romantic partner,
-
the word "love" probably comes to mind,
-
and instantly other emotions rush in:
-
joy and hope,
-
excitement, trust and security,
-
and yes, sometimes
sadness and disappointment.
-
There might not be
a word in the dictionary
-
that more of us
are connected to than love.
-
Yet, given its central
importance in our lives,
-
isn't it interesting that we're never
explicitly taught how to love?
-
We build friendships,
-
navigate early romantic relationships,
-
get married and bring babies
home from the hospital
-
with the expectation
that we'll figure it out.
-
But the truth is, we often
harm and disrespect the ones we love.
-
It can be subtle things
-
like guilting a friend
into spending time with you
-
or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts
-
or shaming a child
for their lack of effort at school.
-
100 percent of us
will be on the receiving end
-
of unhealthy relationship behaviors
-
and 100 percent of us
will do unhealthy things.
-
It's part of being human.
-
In its worst form,
the harm we inflict on loved ones
-
shows up as abuse and violence,
-
and relationship abuse
-
is something that one in three women
and one in four men
-
will experience in their lifetime.
-
Now, if you're like most people,
when you hear those stats,
-
you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no,
that would never happen to me."
-
It's instinctual to move away
from the words "abuse" and "violence,"
-
to think that they happen
to someone else somewhere else.
-
But the truth is, unhealthy relationships
and abuse are all around us.
-
We just call them different things
and ignore the connection.
-
Abuse sneaks up on us
disguised in unhealthy love.
-
I work for an organization called One Love
-
started by a family whose daughter
Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.
-
This was a tragedy no one saw coming,
-
but when they looked back,
they realized the warning signs were there
-
just no one understood
what they were seeing.
-
Called crazy or drama
or too much drinking,
-
his actions weren't understood
to be what they really were,
-
which was clear signs of danger.
-
Her family realized that if anyone
had been educated about these signs,
-
her death could have been prevented.
-
So today we're on a mission to make sure
-
that others have the information
that Yeardley and her friends didn't.
-
We have three main goals:
-
give all of us a language
for talking about a subject
-
that's quite awkward
and uncomfortable to discuss;
-
empower a whole front line,
namely friends, to help;
-
and, in the process, improve
all of our ability to love better.
-
To do this, it's always important
to start by illuminating
-
the unhealthy signs
that we frequently miss,
-
and our work really focuses
on creating content
-
to start conversations with young people.
-
As you'd expect, most of our content
is pretty serious,
-
given the subject at hand,
-
but today I'm going to use
one of our more light-hearted
-
yet still thought-provoking pieces,
-
"The Couplets,"
-
to illuminate five markers
of unhealthy love.
-
The first is intensity.
-
(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you
in a couple days. I've missed you.
-
Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)
-
Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes.
It feels like a lifetime.
-
What have you been doing
without me for five whole minutes?
-
Orange: It's been three minutes.
(#thatsnotlove)
-
Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that?
I don't know. I do.
-
Abusive relationships
don't start out abusive.
-
They start out exciting and exhilarating.
-
There's an intensity
of affection and emotion, a rush.
-
It feels really good.
-
You feel so lucky,
like you've hit the jackpot.
-
But in unhealthy love,
these feelings shift over time
-
from exciting to overwhelming
and maybe a little bit suffocating.
-
You feel it in your gut.
-
Maybe it's when your
new boyfriend or girlfriend
-
says "I love you"
faster than you were ready for
-
or starts showing up everywhere,
texting and calling a lot.
-
Maybe they're impatient
when you're slow to respond,
-
even though they know
you had other things going on that day.
-
It's important to remember that it's not
how a relationship starts that matters,
-
it's how it evolves.
-
It's important in the early days
of a new relationship
-
to pay attention to how you're feeling.
-
Are you comfortable
with the pace of intimacy?
-
Do you feel like you have space
and room to breathe?
-
It's also really important
to start practicing using your voice
-
to talk about your own needs.
-
Are your requests respected?
-
A second marker is isolation.
-
(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?
-
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend
always have Monday Funday.
-
Orange 2: Want to hang out?
-
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend
always have Monday Funday.
-
Orange 2: Tomorrow?
Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.
-
Orange 2: Wednesday?
Orange 1: No Friends Day.
-
KH: If you ask me, isolation
is one of the most frequently missed
-
and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.
-
Why?
-
Because every new relationship
starts out with this intense desire
-
to spend time together,
-
it's easy to miss when something shifts.
-
Isolation creeps in
when your new boyfriend or girlfriend
-
starts pulling you away
from your friends and family,
-
your support system,
-
and tethering you more tightly to them.
-
They might say things like,
-
"Why do you hang out with them?
They're such losers"
-
about your best friends,
-
or, "They want us to break up.
They're totally against us"
-
about your family.
-
Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt
-
about everyone from
your prerelationship life.
-
Healthy love includes independence,
-
two people who love spending time together
-
but who stay connected to the people
and activities they cared about before.
-
While at first you might spend
every waking minute together,
-
over time maintaining independence is key.
-
You do this by making plans with friends
and sticking to them
-
and encouraging your partner
to do the same.
-
A third marker of unhealthy love
is extreme jealousy.
-
(Video) Blue 2:
What are you so happy about?
-
Blue 1: She just started
following me on Instagram!
-
Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?
-
Blue 1: She, she just started
following me, like, everywhere.
-
(#thatsnotlove)
-
KH: As the honeymoon period
begins to fade,
-
extreme jealousy can creep in.
-
Your partner might become more demanding,
-
needing to know where you are
and who you're with all the time,
-
or they might start following you
everywhere, online and off.
-
Extreme jealousy also brings with it
possessiveness and mistrust,
-
frequent accusations
of flirting with other people or cheating,
-
and refusal to listen to you
when you tell them
-
they have nothing to worry about
and that you only love them.
-
Jealousy is a part
of any human relationship,
-
but extreme jealousy is different.
-
There's a threatening, desperate
and angry edge to it.
-
Love shouldn't feel like this.
-
A fourth marker is belittling.
-
(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out?
Orange: I gotta study.
-
Blue: You'll get an A anyway,
A for amazing. (#thatslove)
-
Blue: Wanna hang out?
Orange: I gotta study.
-
Blue: You'll get an F anyway,
-
F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)
-
KH: Yeah, hmm.
-
In unhealthy love,
words are used as weapons.
-
Conversations that used to be
fun and lighthearted
-
turn mean and embarrassing.
-
Maybe your partner makes fun of you
in a way that hurts,
-
or maybe they tell stories and jokes
for laughs at your expense.
-
When you try to explain
that your feelings have been hurt,
-
they shut you down
and accuse you of overreacting.
-
"Why are you so sensitive?
What's your problem. Give me a break."
-
You are silenced by these words.
-
It seems pretty obvious,
but your partner should have your back.
-
Their words should build you up,
not break you down.
-
They should keep
your secrets and be loyal.
-
They should make you feel more confident,
-
not less.
-
Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.
-
(Video) Orange 1:
I'd be sad if we broke up.
-
Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)
-
Orange 1: I'd so depressed
if we ever broke up.
-
I'd throw myself off this step.
-
I would! Don't try to stop me!
-
(#thatsnotlove)
-
KH: Frequent breakups and makeups,
high highs and low lows:
-
as tension rises, so does volatility.
-
Tearful, frustrated fights
followed by emotional makeups,
-
hateful and hurtful comments like,
-
"You're worthless,
I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"
-
followed quickly by apologies
and promises it will never happen again.
-
By this point, you've been so conditioned
to this relationship roller coaster
-
that you may not realize how unhealthy
and maybe even dangerous
-
your relationship has become.
-
It can be really hard to see
-
when unhealthy love turns towards abuse,
-
but it's fair to say
that the more of these markers
-
your relationship might have,
-
the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous
your relationship could be.
-
And if your instinct is
to break up and leave,
-
which is advice
so many of us give our friends
-
when they're in unhealthy relationships,
-
that's not always the best advice.
-
Time of breakup can be
a real trigger for violence.
-
If you fear you might be
headed towards abuse or in abuse,
-
you need to consult with experts
to get the advice on how to leave safely.
-
But it's not just
about romantic relationships
-
and it's not just about violence.
-
Understanding the signs of unhealthy love
-
can help you audit and understand
nearly every relationship in your life.
-
For the first time, you might understand
why you're disappointed in a friendship
-
or why every interaction
with a certain family member
-
leaves you discouraged and anxious.
-
You might even begin to see
how your own intensity and jealousy
-
is causing problems
with colleagues at work.
-
Understanding is
the first step to improving,
-
and while you can't make
every unhealthy relationship healthy --
-
some you're going
to have to leave behind --
-
you can do your part every day
to do relationships better.
-
And here's the exciting news:
-
it's actually not rocket science.
-
Open communication, mutual respect,
-
kindness, patience --
-
we can practice these things every day.
-
And while practice
will definitely make you better,
-
I have to promise you
it's also not going to make you perfect.
-
I do this for a living
-
and every day I think and talk
about healthy relationships,
-
and still I do unhealthy things.
-
Just the other day as I was trying
to shuttle my four kids out the door
-
amidst quarreling, squabbling
and complaints about breakfast,
-
I completely lost it.
-
With an intentionally angry edge,
-
I screamed,
-
"Everybody just shut up and do what I say!
-
You are the worst!
-
I am going to take away
screen time and dessert
-
and anything else you could possibly
ever enjoy in life!"
-
(Laughter)
-
Anybody been there?
-
(Applause)
-
Volatility, belittling.
-
My oldest son turned around
and looked at me, and said,
-
"Mom, that's not love."
-
(Laughter)
-
For a minute, I really wanted
to kill him for calling me out.
-
Trust me.
-
But then I gathered myself
-
and I thought, you know what,
I'm actually proud.
-
I'm proud that he has a language
to make me pause.
-
I want all of my kids to understand
what the bar should be
-
for how they're treated
-
and to have a language and a voice
to use when that bar is not met
-
versus just accepting it.
-
For too long, we've treated
relationships as a soft topic,
-
when relationship skills
are one of the most important
-
and hard to build things in life.
-
Not only can understanding unhealthy signs
-
help you avoid the rabbit hole
that leads to unhealthy love,
-
but understanding and practicing
the art of being healthy
-
can improve nearly
every aspect of your life.
-
I'm completely convinced
-
that while love is
an instinct and an emotion,
-
the ability to love better
is a skill we can all build
-
and improve on over time.
-
Thank you.
-
(Applause)