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So I want to start this talk
by showing y'all a photo,
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and it's a photo many of you
have probably seen before.
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So I want you all to take a moment
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and look at this photo,
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and really reflect on some
of the things that come to mind,
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and what are some
of those things, those words.
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Now, I'm going to ask you all
to look at me.
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What words come to mind
when you look at me?
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What separates that man up there
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from me?
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The man in that photo is named David Kirby
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and it was taken in 1990
as he was dying from AIDS-related illness,
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and it was subsequently
published in "Life Magazine."
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The only real thing
separating me from Kirby
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is about 30 years of medical advancements
in the way that we treat HIV and AIDS.
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So what I want to ask next is this:
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if we have made such exponential progress
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in combatting HIV,
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why haven't our perceptions
of those with the virus evolved alongside?
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Why does HIV elicit this reaction from us
when it's so easily managed?
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When did the stigmatization even occur
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and why hasn't it subsided?
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And these are not
easy questions to answer.
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They're the congealing
of so many different factors and ideas.
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Powerful images, like this one of Kirby,
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these were the faces of the AIDS crisis
in the '80s and '90s,
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and at the time the crisis
had a very obvious impact
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on an already stigmatized group of people,
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and that was gay men.
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So what the general straight public saw
was this very awful thing
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happening to a group of people who
were already on the fringes of society.
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The media at the time began
to use the two almost interchangeably --
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gay and AIDS --
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and at the 1984
Republican National Convention,
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one of the speakers joked
that gay stood for "got AIDS yet?"
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And that was the mindset at the time.
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But as we started
to understand the virus more
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and how it was transmitted,
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we realized that that risk
had increased its territory.
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The highly profiled case
of Ryan White in 1985,
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who was a 13-year-old hemophiliac
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who had contracted HIV
from a contaminated blood treatment,
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and this marked the most profound shift
in America's perception of HIV.
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No longer was it restricted
to these dark corners of society,
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to queers and drug users,
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but now it was affecting people
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that society deemed
worthy of their empathy,
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to children.
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But that permeating fear
and that perception, it still lingers.
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And I want a show of hands
for these next few questions.
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How many of you in here
were aware that with treatment,
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those with HIV not only
fend off AIDS completely,
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but they live full and normal lives?
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Y'all are educated.
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(Laughter)
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How many of you are aware
that with treatment,
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those with HIV can reach
an undetectable status,
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and that makes them
virtually uninfectious?
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Much less.
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How many of you were aware
of the pre- and postexposure treatments
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that are available
that reduce the risk of transmission
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by over 90 percent?
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See, these are incredible advancements
that we have made in fighting HIV,
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yet they have not managed
to dent the perception
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that most Americans have
of the virus and those living with it.
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And I don't want you to think
I'm downplaying the danger of this virus,
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and I am not ignorant of
the harrowing past of the AIDS epidemic.
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I am trying to convey
that there is hope for those infected
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and HIV is not the death sentence
it was in the '80s.
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And now you may ask, and I asked
this question myself initially,
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where are the stories?
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Where are these people living with HIV?
Why haven't they been vocal?
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How can I believe these successes,
or these statistics,
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without seeing the successes?
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And this is actually
a very easy question for me to answer.
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Fear, stigma and shame:
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these keep those living with HIV
in the closet, so to speak.
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Our sexual histories are as personal
to us as our medical histories,
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and when you overlap the two,
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you can find yourself
in a very sensitive space.
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The fear of how others
perceive us when we're honest
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keeps us from doing many things in life,
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and this is the case
for the HIV-positive population.
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To face social scrutiny and ridicule
is the price that we pay for transparency,
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and why become a martyr
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when you can effectively pass
as someone without HIV?
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After all, there are no
physical indications you have the virus.
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There's no sign that you wear.
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There is safety in assimilation
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and there is safety in invisibility.
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I'm here to throw back that veil
and share my story.
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So in the fall of 2014,
I was a sophomore in college
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and like most college students,
I was sexually active,
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and I generally took precautions
to minimize the risk that sex carries.
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Now, I say generally,
because I wasn't always safe.
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It only takes a single misstep
before we're flat on the ground
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and my misstep is pretty obvious.
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I had unprotected sex
and I didn't think much of it.
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Fast-forward about three weeks
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and it felt like I'd been trampled
by a herd of wildebeest.
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The aches in my body were
like nothing I have felt before or since.
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I would get these bouts
of fever and chill.
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I would reel with nausea
and it was difficult to walk.
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Being a biology student,
I had some prior exposure to disease
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and being a fairly informed gay man,
I had read a bit on HIV,
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so to me, it clicked
that this was seroconversion,
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or as it's sometimes called,
acute HIV infection,
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and this is the body's reaction
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in producing antibodies
to the HIV antigen.
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It's important to know that not everybody
goes through this phase of sickness,
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but I was one of the lucky ones who did,
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and I was lucky as in,
there were these physical symptoms
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that let me know, hey, something is wrong,
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and it let me detect
the virus pretty early.
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So just to clarify,
just to hit the nail on head,
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I got tested on campus
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and they said they would call me
the next morning with the results,
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and they called me,
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but they asked me to come in
and speak to the doctor on staff.
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And the reaction I received from her
wasn't what I was expecting.
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She reassured me what I already knew,
that this wasn't a death sentence,
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and she even offered
to put me in contact with her brother,
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who had been living with HIV
since the early '90s.
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I declined her offer,
but I was deeply touched.
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I was expecting to be reprimanded.
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I was expecting pity and disappointment
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and I was shown compassion
and human warmth,
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and I'm forever grateful
for that first exchange.
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So obviously for a few weeks,
I was a physical mess.
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Emotionally, mentally, I was doing OK.
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I was taking it well.
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But my body was ravaged
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and those close to me,
they weren't oblivious.
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So I sat my roommates down
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and I let them know
I'd been diagnosed with HIV,
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that I was about to receive treatment
and I didn't want them to worry.
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And I remember the look on their faces.
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They were holding each other
on the couch and they were crying,
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and I consoled them.
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I consoled them about my own bad news,
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but it was heartwarming
to see that they cared.
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But from that night, I noticed a shift
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in the way that I was treated at home.
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My roommates wouldn't
touch anything of mine
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and they wouldn't eat
anything I had cooked.
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Now, in South Louisiana,
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we all know that you don't refuse food.
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(Laughter)
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And I'm a damn good cook,
so don't think that passed me by.
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(Laughter)
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But from these first silent hints,
their aversion got gradually more obvious
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and more offensive.
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I was asked to move my toothbrush
from the bathroom,
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I was asked to not share towels
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and I was even asked
to wash my clothes on a hotter setting.
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This wasn't head lice, y'all.
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This wasn't scabies. This was HIV.
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It can be transmitted through blood,
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sexual fluids like semen or vaginal fluids
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and breast milk.
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Since I wasn't sleeping with my roommates,
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I wasn't breastfeeding them --
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(Laughter)
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and we weren't reenacting "Twilight,"
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I was of no risk to them
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and I made this aware to them,
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but still, this discomfort, it continued,
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until eventually I was asked to move out.
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And I was asked to move out
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because one of my roommates
had shared my status with her parents.
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She shared my personal
medical information to strangers.
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And now I'm doing that
in a roomful of 300 of y'all,
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but at the time, this was not
something I was comfortable with,
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and they expressed their discomfort
with their daughter living with me.
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So being gay, raised
in a religious household
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and living in the South,
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discrimination wasn't new to me,
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but this form was
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and it was tremendously disappointing
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because it came
from such an unlikely source.
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Not only were these
college-educated people,
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not only were they other members
of the LGBT community,
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but they were also my friends.
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So I did. I moved out
at the end of the semester,
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but it wasn't to appease them.
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It was out of respect for myself.
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I wasn't going to subject myself to people
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who were unwilling
to remedy their ignorance
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and I wasn't going to let something
that was now a part of me
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ever be used as a tool against me.
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So I opted for transparency
about my status,
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always being visible.
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And this is what I like to call
being the everyday advocate.
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The point of this transparency,
the point of this everyday advocacy,
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was to dispel ignorance,
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and ignorance is a very scary word.
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We don't want to be seen as ignorant
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and we definitely
don't want to be called it.
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But ignorance is not
synonymous with stupid.
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It's not the inability to learn.
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It's the state you're in before you learn.
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So when I saw someone
coming from a place of ignorance,
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I saw an opportunity for them to learn
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and hopefully, if I could
spread some education,
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then I could mitigate
situations for others
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like I had experienced with my roommates
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and save someone else
down the line that humiliation.
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So the reactions I received
haven't been all positive.
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Here in the South,
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we have a lot stigma
due to religious pressures,
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our lack of a comprehensive sex education
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and our general conservative outlook
on anything sexual.
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We view this as a gay disease.
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Globally, most new HIV infections
occur between heterosexual partners
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and here in the States,
women, especially women of color,
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are at an increased risk.
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This is not a gay disease.
It never has been.
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It's a disease we should
all be concerned with.
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So initially, I felt limited.
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I wanted to expand my scope
and reach beyond what was around me.
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So naturally,
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I turned to the dark underworld
of online dating apps,
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to apps like Grindr,
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and for those of you who are unfamiliar,
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these are dating apps
targeted towards gay men.
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You can upload a profile and a picture
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and it will show you
available guys within a radius.
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Y'all have probably heard of Tinder.
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Grindr has been around for a lot longer,
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since it was much harder
to meet your future gay husband
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at church or the grocery store,
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or whatever straight people did
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before they found out
they could date on their phones.
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(Laughter)
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So on Grindr, if you liked
what you saw or read,
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you could send someone a message,
you can meet up, you can do other things.
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So on my profile,
I obviously stated that I had HIV,
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I was undetectable and I welcomed
questions about my status.
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And I received a lot of questions
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and a lot of comments,
both positive and negative.
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And I want to start with the negative,
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just to frame some of this ignorance
that I've mentioned before.
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And most of these negative comments
were passing remarks or assumptions.
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They would assume things
about my sex life or my sex habits.
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They would assume
I put myself or others at risk.
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But very often I would just be met
with these passing ignorant remarks.
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In the gay community,
it's common to hear the word "clean"
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when you're referring to someone
who is HIV negative.
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Of course the flip side to that
is being unclean, or dirty,
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when you do have HIV.
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Now, I'm not sensitive
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and I'm only truly dirty
after a day in the field,
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but this is damaging language.
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This is a community-driven stigma
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that keeps many gay men
from disclosing their status
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and it keeps those newly diagnosed
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from seeking support
within their own community,
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and I find that truly distressing.
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But thankfully, the positive responses
have been a lot more numerous
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and they came from guys who were curious.
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And they were curious
about the risks of transmission,
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or what exactly "undetectable" meant,
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or where they could get tested,
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or some guys would ask me
about my experiences
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and I could share my story with them.
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But most importantly,
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I would get approached by guys
who were newly diagnosed with HIV
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and they were scared, and they were alone,
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and they didn't know
what step to take next.
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They didn't want to tell their family,
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they didn't want to tell their friends
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and they felt damaged,
and they felt dirty.
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And I did whatever I could
to immediately calm them,
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and then I would put them in contact
with AcadianaCares,
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which is a wonderful resource
we have in our community
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for those with HIV.
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And I'd put them in contact
with people I knew personally
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so that they could not only
have this safe space to feel human again,
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but so they could also have
the resources they needed
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in affording their treatment.
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And this was by far
the most humbling aspect
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of my transparency,
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that I could have some positive impact
on those who were suffering like I did,
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that I could help those
who were in the dark,
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because I had been there
and it wasn't a good place to be.
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These guys came from
all different backgrounds
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and many of them
weren't as informed as I had been,
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and they were coming to me
from a place of fear.
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Some of these people I knew personally,
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or they knew of me,
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but many more, they were anonymous.
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They were these blank profiles
who were too afraid to show their faces
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after what they had told me.
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And on the topic of transparency,
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I want to leave y'all with a few thoughts.
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I found that with whatever risk
or gamble I took
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in putting my face out there,
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it was well worth any negative comment,
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any flak I received,
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because I felt I was able to make
this real and this tangible impact.
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And it showed me that our efforts resound,
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that we can alter the lives
that we encounter for the good,
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and they in turn can take that momentum
and push it even further.
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And if any of you or anyone you know
is dealing with HIV,
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or if you want to see what resources
you have in your community,
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or just educate yourself
more on the disease,
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here are some wonderful national sites
that you can access
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and you are more than welcome
to find me after this talk
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and ask me anything you'd like.
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We've all heard the phrase
"to see the forest through the trees,"
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so I implore all of you here to really
see the human through the disease.
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It's a very easy thing
to see numbers and statistics
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and only see the perceived dangers.
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It's a much harder thing to see
all the faces behind those numbers.
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So when you find yourself
thinking those things, those words,
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what you might have thought
looking at David Kirby,
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I ask you instead,
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think son,
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or think brother,
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think friend
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and most importantly, think human.
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Seek education when faced with ignorance
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and always be mindful,
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and always be compassionate.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)