3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce
-
0:03 - 0:06Almost 50 years ago,
-
0:06 - 0:11psychiatrists Richard Rahe
and Thomas Holmes developed an inventory -
0:11 - 0:16of the most distressing
human experiences that we could have. -
0:17 - 0:20Number one on the list? Death of a spouse.
-
0:20 - 0:23Number two, divorce.
Three, marital separation. -
0:24 - 0:27Now, generally, but not always,
-
0:27 - 0:31for those three to occur, we need
what comes in number seven on the list, -
0:31 - 0:32which is marriage.
-
0:32 - 0:34(Laughter)
-
0:34 - 0:40Fourth on the list is imprisonment
in an institution. -
0:40 - 0:43Now, some say number seven
has been counted twice. -
0:43 - 0:45(Laughter)
-
0:46 - 0:48I don't believe that.
-
0:49 - 0:52When the life stress inventory was built,
-
0:52 - 0:58back then, a long-term relationship
pretty much equated to a marriage. -
0:58 - 1:00Not so now.
-
1:00 - 1:03So for the purposes of this talk,
I'm going to be including -
1:04 - 1:06de facto relationships,
common-law marriages -
1:06 - 1:09and same-sex marriages,
-
1:09 - 1:13or same-sex relationships
soon hopefully to become marriages. -
1:14 - 1:17And I can say from my work
with same-sex couples, -
1:17 - 1:20the principles I'm about
to talk about are no different. -
1:20 - 1:23They're the same across all relationships.
-
1:24 - 1:26So in a modern society,
-
1:26 - 1:30we know that prevention
is better than cure. -
1:30 - 1:35We vaccinate against polio, diphtheria,
tetanus, whooping cough, measles. -
1:35 - 1:40We have awareness campaigns
for melanoma, stroke, diabetes -- -
1:40 - 1:42all important campaigns.
-
1:43 - 1:46But none of those conditions come close
-
1:47 - 1:50to affecting 45 percent of us.
-
1:51 - 1:54Forty-five percent: that's
our current divorce rate. -
1:55 - 1:58Why no prevention campaign for divorce?
-
1:59 - 2:05Well, I think it's because
our policymakers don't believe -
2:05 - 2:10that things like attraction
and the way relationships are built -
2:10 - 2:12is changeable or educable.
-
2:13 - 2:15Why?
-
2:15 - 2:19Well, our policymakers currently
are Generation X. -
2:20 - 2:22They're in their 30s to 50s.
-
2:23 - 2:26And when I'm talking to these guys
about these issues, -
2:27 - 2:29I see their eyes glaze over,
-
2:29 - 2:31and I can see them thinking,
-
2:31 - 2:34"Doesn't this crazy psychiatrist get it?
-
2:34 - 2:38You can't control the way in which
people attract other people -
2:38 - 2:39and build relationships."
-
2:40 - 2:43Not so, our dear millennials.
-
2:44 - 2:49This is the most information-connected,
analytical and skeptical generation, -
2:50 - 2:54making the most informed decisions
of any generation before them. -
2:55 - 2:58And when I talk to millennials,
I get a very different reaction. -
2:58 - 3:00They actually want to hear about this.
-
3:00 - 3:05They want to know about how do we
have relationships that last? -
3:06 - 3:11So for those of you who want to embrace
the post- "romantic destiny" era with me, -
3:11 - 3:16let me talk about my three life hacks
for preventing divorce. -
3:16 - 3:21Now, we can intervene
to prevent divorce at two points: -
3:21 - 3:25later, once the cracks begin to appear
in an established relationship; -
3:25 - 3:30or earlier, before we commit,
before we have children. -
3:30 - 3:33And that's where I'm going to take us now.
-
3:34 - 3:36So my first life hack:
-
3:37 - 3:42millennials spend seven-plus hours
on their devices a day. -
3:42 - 3:43That's American data.
-
3:44 - 3:46And some say, probably not unreasonably,
-
3:46 - 3:51this has probably affected
their face-to-face relationships. -
3:51 - 3:55Indeed, and add to that
the hookup culture, -
3:55 - 3:57ergo apps like Tinder,
-
3:57 - 4:00and it's no great surprise that
the 20-somethings that I work with -
4:00 - 4:04will often talk to me about
how it is often easier for them -
4:04 - 4:07to have sex with somebody that they've met
-
4:07 - 4:09than have a meaningful conversation.
-
4:10 - 4:12Now, some say this is a bad thing.
-
4:13 - 4:16I say this is a really good thing.
-
4:17 - 4:19It's a particularly good thing
-
4:19 - 4:23to be having sex outside
of the institution of marriage. -
4:23 - 4:26Now, before you go out
and get all moral on me, -
4:26 - 4:30remember that Generation X,
in the American Public Report, -
4:30 - 4:34they found that 91 percent of women
-
4:34 - 4:36had had premarital sex by the age of 30.
-
4:36 - 4:38Ninety-one percent.
-
4:39 - 4:44It's a particularly good thing that
these relationships are happening later. -
4:44 - 4:47See, boomers in the '60s --
-
4:48 - 4:51they were getting married
at an average age for women of 20 -
4:51 - 4:53and 23 for men.
-
4:54 - 4:562015 in Australia?
-
4:56 - 5:01That is now 30 for women and 32 for men.
-
5:02 - 5:07That's a good thing, because
the older you are when you get married, -
5:07 - 5:09the lower your divorce rate.
-
5:09 - 5:10Why?
-
5:10 - 5:13Why is it helpful to get married later?
-
5:13 - 5:14Three reasons.
-
5:14 - 5:19Firstly, getting married later allows
the other two preventers of divorce -
5:19 - 5:20to come into play.
-
5:20 - 5:22They are tertiary education
-
5:23 - 5:26and a higher income, which tends
to go with tertiary education. -
5:26 - 5:29So these three factors all
kind of get mixed up together. -
5:29 - 5:31Number two,
-
5:31 - 5:33neuroplasticity research tell us
-
5:33 - 5:39that the human brain is still growing
until at least the age of 25. -
5:39 - 5:42So that means how you're thinking
and what you're thinking -
5:42 - 5:44is still changing up until 25.
-
5:45 - 5:49And thirdly, and most importantly
to my mind, is personality. -
5:49 - 5:51Your personality at the age of 20
-
5:51 - 5:55does not correlate with
your personality at the age of 50. -
5:55 - 5:58But your personality at the age of 30
-
5:58 - 6:01does correlate with
your personality at the age of 50. -
6:01 - 6:04So when I ask somebody
who got married young why they broke up, -
6:04 - 6:06and they say, "We grew apart,"
-
6:07 - 6:08they're being surprisingly accurate,
-
6:08 - 6:13because the 20s is a decade
of rapid change and maturation. -
6:13 - 6:19So the first thing you want to get
before you get married is older. -
6:19 - 6:21(Laughter)
-
6:22 - 6:23Number two,
-
6:24 - 6:28John Gottman, psychologist
and relationship researcher, -
6:28 - 6:33can tell us many factors that correlate
with a happy, successful marriage. -
6:35 - 6:37But the one that I want to talk about
-
6:37 - 6:38is a big one:
-
6:38 - 6:4481 percent of marriages implode,
self-destruct, if this problem is present. -
6:44 - 6:47And the second reason why I want
to talk about it here -
6:47 - 6:51is because it's something
you can evaluate while you're dating. -
6:51 - 6:57Gottman found that the relationships
that were the most stable and happy -
6:57 - 6:58over the longer term
-
6:58 - 7:02were relationships in which
the couple shared power. -
7:03 - 7:04They were influenceable:
-
7:07 - 7:11big decisions, like buying a house,
overseas trips, buying a car, -
7:11 - 7:13having children.
-
7:13 - 7:16But when Gottman
drilled down on this data, -
7:16 - 7:21what he found was that women
were generally pretty influenceable. -
7:22 - 7:24Guess where the problem lay?
-
7:24 - 7:25(Laughter)
-
7:25 - 7:27Yeah, there's only
two options here, isn't there? -
7:27 - 7:29Yeah, we men were to blame.
-
7:30 - 7:32The other thing that Gottman found
-
7:32 - 7:36is that men who are influenceable
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7:36 - 7:41also tended to be "outstanding fathers."
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7:41 - 7:46So women: How influenceable is your man?
-
7:47 - 7:48Men:
-
7:51 - 7:53you're with her because you respect her.
-
7:55 - 7:59Make sure that respect plays out
in the decision-making process. -
8:02 - 8:04Number three.
-
8:07 - 8:11I'm often intrigued by
why couples come in to see me -
8:12 - 8:14after they've been married
for 30 or 40 years. -
8:14 - 8:19This is a time when they're approaching
the infirmities and illness of old age. -
8:19 - 8:24It's a time when they're particularly
focused on caring for each other. -
8:25 - 8:28They'll forgive things
that have bugged them for years. -
8:28 - 8:32They'll forgive all betrayals,
even infidelities, -
8:32 - 8:34because they're focused
on caring for each other. -
8:34 - 8:36So what pulls them apart?
-
8:36 - 8:38The best word I have
for this is reliability, -
8:38 - 8:40or the lack thereof.
-
8:41 - 8:42Does your partner have your back?
-
8:42 - 8:44It takes two forms.
-
8:44 - 8:50Firstly, can you rely on your partner
to do what they say they're going to do? -
8:50 - 8:51Do they follow through?
-
8:52 - 8:53Secondly,
-
8:54 - 8:56if, for example,
-
8:56 - 8:59you're out and you're being
verbally attacked by somebody, -
8:59 - 9:04or you're suffering from
a really disabling illness, -
9:04 - 9:08does your partner step up
and do what needs to be done -
9:08 - 9:11to leave you feeling
cared for and protected? -
9:11 - 9:13And here's the rub:
-
9:13 - 9:15if you're facing old age,
-
9:15 - 9:18and your partner
isn't doing that for you -- -
9:18 - 9:20in fact, you're having
to do that for them -- -
9:21 - 9:24then in an already-fragile relationship,
-
9:24 - 9:29it can look a bit like you might
be better off out of it rather than in it. -
9:30 - 9:36So is your partner there for you
when it really matters? -
9:37 - 9:40Not all the time, 80 percent of the time,
-
9:40 - 9:42but particularly if it's important to you.
-
9:44 - 9:49On your side, think carefully before you
commit to do something for your partner. -
9:49 - 9:54It is much better to commit to
as much as you can follow through -
9:54 - 9:57than to commit to more
sound-good-in-the-moment -
9:57 - 9:58and then let them down.
-
10:02 - 10:06And if it's really important
to your partner, and you commit to it, -
10:06 - 10:09make sure you move hell
and high water to follow through. -
10:10 - 10:13Now, these are things
that I'm saying you can look for. -
10:13 - 10:16Don't worry, these are also
things that can be built -
10:16 - 10:17in existing relationships.
-
10:20 - 10:24I believe that the most important decision
-
10:25 - 10:27that you can make
-
10:27 - 10:30is who you choose as a life partner,
-
10:31 - 10:34who you choose as
the other parent of your children. -
10:35 - 10:37And of course, romance has to be there.
-
10:37 - 10:41Romance is a grand and beautiful
and quirky thing. -
10:42 - 10:47But we need to add
to a romantic, loving heart -
10:47 - 10:52an informed, thoughtful mind,
-
10:52 - 10:55as we make the most important
decision of our life. -
10:55 - 10:56Thank you.
-
10:56 - 11:00(Applause)
- Title:
- 3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce
- Speaker:
- George Blair-West
- Description:
-
Choosing to marry and share your life with someone is one of the most important decisions you can make in life. But with divorce rates approaching fifty percent in some parts of the world, it's clear we could use some help picking a partner. In an actionable, eye-opening talk, psychiatrist George Blair-West shares three keys to preventing divorce -- and spotting potential problems while you're still dating.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 11:13
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for 3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for 3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce | ||
Brian Greene approved English subtitles for 3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for 3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce | ||
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Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for 3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for 3 ways to build a happy marriage and avoid divorce | ||
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