Seven ways to make a conversation with anyone | Malavika Varadan | TEDxBITSPilaniDubai
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0:08 - 0:10Hello, everybody.
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0:11 - 0:14I'm going to start with a question.
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0:15 - 0:19How many of you know the person
sitting next to you from before today? -
0:22 - 0:23Interesting.
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0:23 - 0:27So, do you remember the first conversation
that you ever had with that person? -
0:28 - 0:31You know conversations are links.
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0:32 - 0:36Let's imagine every conversation
to be a tiny metal link. -
0:36 - 0:38And every time you talk to a stranger,
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0:38 - 0:40a metal link is formed.
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0:41 - 0:44And every conversation that you have
after that moment, -
0:44 - 0:47the link gets stronger and stronger.
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0:47 - 0:52And every day each one of us
meets so many strangers: -
0:52 - 0:54the grocery guy, the cab guy
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0:54 - 0:58maybe the receptionist
at a new office you went to. -
0:58 - 1:01And with every conversation
we build new links. -
1:02 - 1:04Until finally at the end,
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1:05 - 1:12we've created a kind of massive
World Wide Web of conversation. -
1:13 - 1:14World Wide Web.
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1:14 - 1:18It's a catchy word.
I think I've heard that somewhere. -
1:19 - 1:23That's it, right? A conversation.
It's a fascinating thing. -
1:23 - 1:26A conversation is an adventure.
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1:26 - 1:29A conversation gives you
a whole new perspective. -
1:29 - 1:31A conversation opens a door.
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1:32 - 1:37Conversations can make war
and conversations can make peace. -
1:37 - 1:42And conversations define
who we are as a human race. -
1:43 - 1:45Think about this.
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1:45 - 1:48Every single person in your life
was once a stranger to you. -
1:49 - 1:55And you knew nothing about them
until you had that first conversation. -
1:57 - 2:00So I'm here today to tell you
to talk to strangers, -
2:01 - 2:03to have a conversation.
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2:03 - 2:06And I'm here to tell you how.
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2:06 - 2:10Seven ways that you can make
a conversation with almost anyone. -
2:13 - 2:15I'm a radio presenter
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2:15 - 2:17and I love talking to people.
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2:18 - 2:20I do. I love it.
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2:20 - 2:23And I'm so glad that I do it for a living.
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2:23 - 2:25Here's what my day is like.
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2:25 - 2:28Every single morning,
I go into an empty room, -
2:28 - 2:29I put on a mic,
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2:29 - 2:34and I have a conversation
with 1.6 million people ... -
2:35 - 2:37that I can't see.
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2:38 - 2:39Yeah.
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2:40 - 2:42You know what the hardest part is, though?
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2:42 - 2:43It's time.
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2:43 - 2:47In a four-hour show, I get 20 minutes.
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2:49 - 2:50That's all the talk there is.
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2:50 - 2:55And in 20 minutes I have to convince you
that I am your best friend. -
2:56 - 2:58How do I do that?
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2:58 - 3:01How do I establish a connection?
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3:01 - 3:06I have 20 minutes to inform you,
to excite you, to engage with you -
3:06 - 3:08but most importantly,
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3:08 - 3:1120 out of the 20 times
that I switch on that mic, -
3:11 - 3:14I have to leave a smile on your face.
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3:15 - 3:19Except, I can't see you,
I know nothing about you, -
3:19 - 3:22and I have no way
of gauging your reactions. -
3:22 - 3:26How do you do it?
How do you talk to a stranger? -
3:26 - 3:31Well, my nine years in radio
have taught me these simple little tricks. -
3:34 - 3:35Strangers,
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3:36 - 3:38they are everywhere.
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3:39 - 3:42And we've always been told,
"Don't talk to strangers!" -
3:42 - 3:45But I beg to differ.
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3:45 - 3:49Every stranger comes with an opportunity,
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3:49 - 3:52an opportunity to learn something new,
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3:52 - 3:55an opportunity to have an experience
you've never had -
3:55 - 3:58or hear a story that you've
never heard before. -
3:59 - 4:02And you've had that moment, right?
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4:02 - 4:04You're in the room
with someone you don't know, -
4:04 - 4:08and you look across the room,
you see a stranger, and you think, -
4:08 - 4:10"I want to talk to this person."
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4:10 - 4:14And you can almost hear the first word
but it just won't come out, -
4:14 - 4:16it kind of gets stuck about here,
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4:16 - 4:19it kind of goes up and down
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4:19 - 4:21and you don't know -
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4:21 - 4:22You know what?
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4:22 - 4:25Here's my advice: just say it.
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4:26 - 4:27What's the worst that can happen?
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4:27 - 4:31They want to talk to you.
Well, they're not talking to you now. -
4:32 - 4:34The first word floodgates.
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4:34 - 4:37I truly believe that the first word
acts as a floodgate. -
4:37 - 4:41You know, once you said the first word
everything else just flows. -
4:41 - 4:42So keep it simple.
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4:42 - 4:46A "Hi," a "Hey," a "Hello."
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4:47 - 4:49And do what every good bowler does.
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4:49 - 4:54Just gather the enthusiasm,
the positivity, the energy, -
4:54 - 4:57put on a big smile and say, "Hi!"
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4:59 - 5:03I know. There's going
to be that strange moment right now. -
5:03 - 5:06Turn to someone sitting next to you,
stick your hand out and say hello. -
5:06 - 5:07Go on.
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5:08 - 5:11(Laughter)
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5:11 - 5:14I love the awkward laughter.
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5:14 - 5:17"Why is she making us do this?"
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5:17 - 5:19The first word floodgates.
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5:21 - 5:25You know, here's a challenge
we face every day. -
5:25 - 5:26Time.
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5:26 - 5:28We have 90 seconds on radio,
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5:28 - 5:31and we have to make that conversation
with a stranger memorable. -
5:31 - 5:33So how do you do it?
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5:34 - 5:36What's the biggest challenge?
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5:36 - 5:37Honestly,
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5:38 - 5:41if we get stuck in the rut of:
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5:41 - 5:43"Hi!" "Hey!"
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5:43 - 5:45"How are you?" "I'm fine."
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5:45 - 5:47"What's going on?" "Nothing much."
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5:47 - 5:49"Same old." "So tell me what's new?"
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5:49 - 5:53There you go, 45 seconds down, wasted.
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5:53 - 5:54Right?
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5:54 - 5:55So, here's my advice:
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5:55 - 5:59skip the small talk
and ask a really personal question. -
5:59 - 6:00And don't be afraid.
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6:00 - 6:02Trust me.
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6:02 - 6:07You will be surprised how much people
are willing to share if you just ask. -
6:08 - 6:10So ask any kind of personal question.
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6:10 - 6:13Maybe: Interesting name.
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6:13 - 6:16How did your parents think of it?
Is there a story behind it? -
6:16 - 6:17Or ...
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6:17 - 6:19How long have you lived in this city?
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6:19 - 6:22And do you remember
the first day you landed here? -
6:23 - 6:26Answers to those questions
are always something unique, -
6:26 - 6:28always something personal.
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6:29 - 6:32My favorite one to try is:
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6:32 - 6:34Where do you come from?
And where does your family live? -
6:34 - 6:35Unfailingly,
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6:35 - 6:38every single time
I sit in a cab, I do this. -
6:38 - 6:40I ask that question.
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6:40 - 6:42Where do you come from?
And where does your family live? -
6:42 - 6:44Let me tell you a little story.
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6:44 - 6:47I was coming home one night ...
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6:47 - 6:50I get into this taxi, open the door,
sit down and I say, -
6:50 - 6:53"Where are you from?
Where does your family live?" -
6:53 - 6:55And the 60-year-old Pakistani
cab-driver goes on to tell me -
6:55 - 6:58all about his life in Peshawar.
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6:58 - 6:59We talked about politics,
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6:59 - 7:04we talked about music,
family, wife, his farm. -
7:04 - 7:09And 20 minutes later he is convinced
that I am the perfect bride -
7:09 - 7:12for his 26-year-old
college-educated son from Peshawar. -
7:12 - 7:14(Laughter)
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7:14 - 7:15And as I'm getting out of the taxi,
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7:15 - 7:20he is taking out a passport-sized
photograph with this look of enthusiasm. -
7:20 - 7:23I have to say, it was a very
difficult goodbye. -
7:23 - 7:25But the moral of the story, really,
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7:25 - 7:29is what starts with a "Hello"
can end with a marriage proposal. -
7:29 - 7:32And that is a warning.
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7:32 - 7:34(Laughter)
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7:34 - 7:35Step three.
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7:36 - 7:39Find the "me too"s.
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7:39 - 7:41Have you ever met someone
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7:41 - 7:44who starts a conversation
like they're starting a debate? -
7:44 - 7:46"I am from Delhi."
"I hate Delhi." -
7:46 - 7:48(Laughter)
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7:48 - 7:52Yeah? Nothing kills
a conversation like a negative. -
7:52 - 7:54When you meet someone for the first time
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7:54 - 7:56make an effort to find the one thing
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7:56 - 7:59that you and that other person
might have in common. -
7:59 - 8:03When you start at that point
and then move outward from there, -
8:03 - 8:08you will find that all of a sudden
the conversation becomes a lot easier. -
8:08 - 8:13And that's because both of you suddenly
are on the same side of something. -
8:15 - 8:18And that's a really powerful feeling.
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8:18 - 8:23Now, what could you possibly have
in common with a stranger you ask? -
8:23 - 8:25Could be anything, right?
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8:25 - 8:28You're both in the same place
at the same time, -
8:28 - 8:30maybe you're from the same country,
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8:30 - 8:32maybe you both like the winter
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8:32 - 8:34or you're longing for it to rain.
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8:34 - 8:37I don't know, you'd find something.
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8:38 - 8:39When you find a "me too,"
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8:39 - 8:44you automatically have a kind of
buy-in from the other person. -
8:44 - 8:46Trust me, that's helpful.
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8:47 - 8:50Pay a unique compliment.
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8:52 - 8:54I read somewhere
that people will forget what you do, -
8:54 - 8:56and they'll forget what you say,
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8:56 - 8:59but they will never forget
how you made them feel. -
9:00 - 9:01So be generous.
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9:01 - 9:07And go out and give someone
a nice full compliment. -
9:08 - 9:12So, I have this belief
about a "compliment immunity meter", -
9:12 - 9:15and it comes from this experience I had
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9:15 - 9:17when I met this gorgeous supermodel.
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9:17 - 9:18And I look at her and I say,
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9:18 - 9:20"Wow! You are beautiful!"
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9:21 - 9:24And there is no reaction on her face.
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9:24 - 9:27And I think to myself, "How?"
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9:27 - 9:29That's when I realized,
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9:29 - 9:32she is immune to the word "beautiful."
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9:32 - 9:35She's probably heard it
a hundred thousand times today. -
9:35 - 9:37And if she's on social media,
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9:37 - 9:40she's heard it a million times today.
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9:40 - 9:43There are some words that each of us
have developed an immunity to. -
9:43 - 9:47It could be "nice," it could be "awesome,"
it could be "cool" ... -
9:47 - 9:50Stay away from these.
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9:50 - 9:53Try and construct a compliment
that's unique and genuine, -
9:53 - 9:56and you don't have to lie.
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9:56 - 9:57Really.
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9:57 - 9:59When you look at someone and say,
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9:59 - 10:01"I love how when you smile,
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10:01 - 10:04it's like your nose smiles,
and then your eyes smile, -
10:04 - 10:06and your ears smile,
even your forehead smiles -
10:06 - 10:09and suddenly, the whole person
is just smiling." -
10:09 - 10:10You see,
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10:10 - 10:14I hope that's a compliment
you're not going to forget for a while. -
10:15 - 10:19Pay a unique and genuine compliment.
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10:20 - 10:22Ask for an opinion.
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10:23 - 10:26All of us have opinions; trust me.
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10:26 - 10:28And we all want them to be heard
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10:28 - 10:30and everybody wants validation.
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10:31 - 10:33So go on and ask for an opinion,
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10:33 - 10:37and that's when you
open up a two-way street. -
10:37 - 10:40That is when the real communication begins,
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10:40 - 10:43and you will be surprised
how much you can pick up about a person -
10:43 - 10:47just by asking their opinion
on something pretty generic. -
10:49 - 10:52Here's a mistake that some people make.
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10:52 - 10:55They ask your opinion
about something really difficult. -
10:55 - 10:57It feels almost intimidating.
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10:57 - 11:01Somewhere in a room,
full of very well-informed people, -
11:01 - 11:03and someone was to come up to me and say,
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11:03 - 11:06"So what do you think about the way
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11:06 - 11:10the oil prices have affected
the real estate market in Dubai?" -
11:12 - 11:13I feel a bit cornered.
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11:13 - 11:15I feel like I might fail,
and this is an examination, -
11:15 - 11:17and that's the lesson.
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11:17 - 11:20Nobody needs to fail
at a first-time conversation. -
11:21 - 11:24Just ask something simple.
Keep it generic. -
11:24 - 11:25How do you like your coffee?
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11:25 - 11:28When did you watch your last movie?
What did you think of it? -
11:28 - 11:31And when somebody gives you their opinion:
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11:31 - 11:33really listen.
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11:33 - 11:37Don't listen to reply. Listen to listen.
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11:37 - 11:38There's a difference.
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11:39 - 11:41And that brings me to my next point.
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11:42 - 11:43Be present.
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11:45 - 11:46I know you've been through this.
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11:46 - 11:47I know I have.
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11:47 - 11:50You're pouring your heart out to someone,
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11:50 - 11:51and they are like this,
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11:51 - 11:53"Yeah, yeah, go on, keep talking.
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11:53 - 11:55I can multitask!
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11:55 - 11:57What's with Wi-Fi?"
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11:57 - 11:59(Laughter)
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11:59 - 12:02You know, when someone's trying
to communicate with you, -
12:02 - 12:05the least you can do
is really be in that conversation. -
12:05 - 12:07Just be wholeheartedly present,
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12:07 - 12:09just be there.
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12:10 - 12:14And - oh! - my favorite part:
make eye contact. -
12:14 - 12:18Trust me, eye contact
is where all the magic happens. -
12:18 - 12:21You can feel the conversation.
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12:21 - 12:24And trust me, when you
are looking at someone in the eye, -
12:24 - 12:29nine out of ten times,
they will not dare look away, right? -
12:29 - 12:30(Laughter)
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12:30 - 12:34Now, if only I could look
into the eyes of 1.6 million people, -
12:34 - 12:40I would not have to worry about you guys
tuning out during the ad breaks. -
12:41 - 12:47That brings me to this, my favorite point
because I think it's got a catchy name. -
12:47 - 12:49Name, place, animal, thing.
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12:50 - 12:52You remember that game?
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12:53 - 12:55Remember the little details
about a person. -
12:55 - 12:58Remember their name.
It's so important. -
12:58 - 13:01It's awful when you meet someone
for 18th time, and you say, -
13:01 - 13:07"You must be Paul, no Peter.
Something with the P and it ends with ..." -
13:09 - 13:12It's terrible. Remember someone's name
and say it back to them. -
13:13 - 13:16You have no idea how important
you're making them feel, -
13:16 - 13:18and that's not the only detail.
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13:18 - 13:20Remember all the other details as well.
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13:20 - 13:23The places they like to go to,
the places they've been to, -
13:23 - 13:27the places they want to go to,
their pet's names. -
13:27 - 13:30How their pet's been feeling lately?
The things they like. -
13:30 - 13:33Remember their children's names,
that's such a winner. -
13:33 - 13:36Remember their wife's names,
their girlfriend's names. -
13:36 - 13:39Just don't mix up the last two
because that could be disastrous. -
13:39 - 13:41(Laughter)
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13:41 - 13:45Remember these little things about people
and repeat it back to them, -
13:45 - 13:47ask be genuinely interested,
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13:47 - 13:51and automatically you kind of
become an investor in their well-being, -
13:51 - 13:56so they'll feel responsible to you
to keep that conversation going. -
13:57 - 13:58There we go.
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13:58 - 14:02Seven amazing ways that you can
make conversation with anyone, -
14:02 - 14:05and seven reasons
why you should use the break -
14:05 - 14:09that's going to come up to talk
to a stranger that you don't know. -
14:10 - 14:13I'm going to end with this analogy.
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14:14 - 14:18A conversation is like reading a book.
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14:18 - 14:20You can turn to any page you want.
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14:21 - 14:23You can flip to your favorite chapter.
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14:24 - 14:28You can read as long as you want,
and you can read what you want, -
14:28 - 14:32and every person, trust me,
is a really good book. -
14:33 - 14:36And it saddens me so much
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14:36 - 14:39that entire human lives
are being boiled down -
14:39 - 14:43to 140 characters and catchy headlines.
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14:43 - 14:46Because that's not what we are.
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14:46 - 14:49We are not abridged versions.
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14:50 - 14:52We are entire human stories.
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14:52 - 14:54We deserve more from each other.
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14:54 - 14:58So what are you going to do
in this big world we call the library? -
14:59 - 15:01Are you going to walk around,
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15:01 - 15:05look at the hard bound copies
and read the titles? -
15:06 - 15:10Or are you going to actually
reach for a book, -
15:11 - 15:14open a page and start reading a story?
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15:16 - 15:17You decide.
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15:17 - 15:18Thank you.
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15:18 - 15:22(Applause)
- Title:
- Seven ways to make a conversation with anyone | Malavika Varadan | TEDxBITSPilaniDubai
- Description:
-
"We mustn’t speak to strangers." Malavika Varadan, challenges this societal norm, by presenting seven ways to make conversation with anyone.
RJ extraordinaire, Malavika Varadan, creates waves quite literally with her morning show, Breakfast No.1 on City 101.6. An avid fitness enthusiast, positivity ninja and drama queen, she has chiseled a benchmark in the radio industry. At TEDxBITSPilaniDubai she will choose to redefine connections.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 15:23