A mother and son’s photographic journey through dementia
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0:01 - 0:05When my 91-year-old mother, Elia,
moved in with me, -
0:05 - 0:08I thought I was doing her a service.
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0:08 - 0:11In fact, it was the other way around.
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0:12 - 0:16You see, Mom was having issues
with memory loss and accepting her age. -
0:17 - 0:19She looked defeated.
-
0:20 - 0:23I tried to make her
as comfortable as possible, -
0:23 - 0:26but when I was at my easel, painting,
-
0:26 - 0:29I would peek over
and see her just ... there. -
0:30 - 0:33She'd be staring at nothing in particular.
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0:34 - 0:37I'd watch her slowly climb the stairs,
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0:37 - 0:40and she wasn't the mom I grew up with.
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0:40 - 0:43I saw, instead, a frail,
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0:43 - 0:47tiny, old woman.
-
0:49 - 0:53A few weeks went by,
and I needed a break from my painting. -
0:53 - 0:56I wanted to play with the new camera
I had just bought. -
0:56 - 0:59I was excited --
it had all sorts of dials, -
0:59 - 1:01buttons and settings I wanted to learn,
-
1:01 - 1:06so I set up my tripod
facing this large mirror, -
1:06 - 1:11blocking the doorway
to the only bathroom in the house. -
1:11 - 1:13(Laughter)
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1:13 - 1:16After a while, I hear,
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1:17 - 1:20(Imitating Italian accent)
"I need to use the washroom." -
1:20 - 1:21(Laughter)
-
1:21 - 1:24"Five minutes, Mom. I need to do this."
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1:24 - 1:2915 minutes later, and I hear, again,
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1:30 - 1:33"I need to use the washroom."
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1:33 - 1:35"Five more minutes."
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1:36 - 1:37Then this happened.
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1:41 - 1:45(Laughter)
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1:45 - 1:52(Applause)
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1:53 - 1:55And this.
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1:57 - 2:03(Laughter)
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2:03 - 2:05And then, this.
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2:07 - 2:14(Laughter)
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2:14 - 2:17I had my "aha!" moment.
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2:17 - 2:18We connected.
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2:19 - 2:22We had something tangible
we could do together. -
2:25 - 2:29My mom was born in a small
mountain village in central Italy, -
2:29 - 2:32where her parents had land and sheep.
-
2:33 - 2:36At a young age,
her father died of pneumonia, -
2:36 - 2:40leaving his wife and two daughters alone
with all the heavy chores. -
2:41 - 2:44They found that they couldn't cope.
-
2:44 - 2:47So a very hard decision was made.
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2:47 - 2:51Mom, the oldest, at 13,
-
2:51 - 2:56was married off to a complete
stranger twice her age. -
2:57 - 3:01She went from being just a kid
and was pushed into adulthood. -
3:03 - 3:07Mom had her first child
when she was only 16. -
3:09 - 3:12Years later, and now living in Toronto,
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3:12 - 3:14Mom got work in a clothing factory
-
3:14 - 3:19and soon became manager
of a very large sewing department. -
3:20 - 3:22And because it was full
of immigrant workers, -
3:22 - 3:26Mom taught herself words
from translation books. -
3:26 - 3:31She then practiced them in French,
Greek, Spanish, Portuguese, Danish, -
3:31 - 3:35Polish, Russian, Romanian, Hungarian,
all around the house. -
3:36 - 3:41I was in awe of her focus
and determination to succeed -
3:41 - 3:44at whatever she loved to do.
-
3:45 - 3:48After that bathroom "aha!" moment,
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3:48 - 3:52I practiced my newfound camera skills
with Mom as portrait model. -
3:53 - 3:57Through all of this,
she talked, and I listened. -
3:57 - 4:01She'd tell me about her early childhood
and how she was feeling now. -
4:02 - 4:04We had each other's attention.
-
4:05 - 4:07Mom was losing her short-term memory,
-
4:07 - 4:10but was better recalling
her younger years. -
4:11 - 4:14I'd ask, and she would tell me stories.
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4:14 - 4:17I listened, and I was her audience.
-
4:18 - 4:19I got ideas.
-
4:19 - 4:22I wrote them down,
and I sketched them out. -
4:23 - 4:27I showed her what to do
by acting out the scenarios myself. -
4:28 - 4:30We would then stage them.
-
4:30 - 4:35So she posed, and I learned
more about photography. -
4:37 - 4:41Mom loved the process, the acting.
-
4:41 - 4:45She felt worthy again,
she felt wanted and needed. -
4:46 - 4:49And she certainly wasn't camera-shy.
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4:49 - 4:53(Laughter)
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4:53 - 5:00(Applause)
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5:01 - 5:04Mom laughed hysterically at this one.
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5:04 - 5:07(Laughter)
-
5:07 - 5:12The idea for this image
came from an old German film I'd seen, -
5:12 - 5:14about a submarine, called "Das Boot."
-
5:14 - 5:18As you can see, what I got instead
looked more like "E.T." -
5:18 - 5:20(Laughter)
-
5:20 - 5:24So I put this image aside,
thinking it was a total failure, -
5:24 - 5:27because it didn't reach
my particular vision. -
5:27 - 5:29But Mom laughed so hard,
-
5:29 - 5:34I eventually, for fun,
decided to post it online anyway. -
5:35 - 5:39It got an incredible amount of attention.
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5:40 - 5:44Now, with any Alzheimer's, dementia,
-
5:44 - 5:48there's a certain amount
of frustration and sadness -
5:48 - 5:49for everyone involved.
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5:50 - 5:53This is Mom's silent scream.
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5:55 - 5:57Her words to me one day were,
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5:57 - 6:01"Why is my head so full of things to say,
-
6:01 - 6:06but before they reach my mouth,
I forget what they are?" -
6:08 - 6:14"Why is my head so full of things to say,
-
6:16 - 6:20but before they reach my mouth,
I forget what they are?" -
6:22 - 6:29(Applause)
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6:33 - 6:38Now, as full-time care partner
and full-time painter, -
6:38 - 6:40I had my frustrations too.
-
6:41 - 6:43(Laughter)
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6:44 - 6:47But to balance off
all the difficulties, we played. -
6:47 - 6:49That was Mom's happy place.
-
6:49 - 6:51And I needed her to be there, too.
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6:54 - 6:56(Laughter)
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6:58 - 7:03(Laughter)
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7:03 - 7:07(Laughter)
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7:07 - 7:10Now, Mom was also preoccupied with aging.
-
7:10 - 7:15She would say,
"How did I get so old, so fast?" -
7:18 - 7:20(Audience sighs)
-
7:30 - 7:31"So old."
-
7:37 - 7:38"So fast."
-
7:41 - 7:45I also got Mom to model
for my oil paintings. -
7:46 - 7:49This painting is called "The Dressmaker."
-
7:50 - 7:53I remember, as a kid,
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7:53 - 7:56Mom sewing clothes for the whole family
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7:56 - 7:59on this massive, heavy sewing machine
-
7:59 - 8:02that was bolted
to the floor in the basement. -
8:03 - 8:08Many nights, I would go downstairs
and bring my schoolwork with me. -
8:09 - 8:13I would sit behind her
in this overstuffed chair. -
8:14 - 8:19The low hum of the huge motor
and the repetitive stitching sounds -
8:19 - 8:20were comforting to me.
-
8:22 - 8:23When Mom moved into my house,
-
8:23 - 8:27I saved this machine and stored it
in my studio for safekeeping. -
8:28 - 8:31This painting brought me
back to my childhood. -
8:32 - 8:34The interesting part
-
8:34 - 8:38was that it was now Mom,
sitting behind me, -
8:39 - 8:41watching me paint her
-
8:41 - 8:44working on that very same
machine she sewed at -
8:45 - 8:50when I sat behind her, watching her sew,
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8:50 - 8:5250 years earlier.
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8:55 - 9:00I also gave Mom a project to do,
to keep her busy and thinking. -
9:00 - 9:02I provided her with a small camera
-
9:02 - 9:06and asked her to take at least
10 pictures a day of anything she wanted. -
9:07 - 9:08These are Mom's photographs.
-
9:09 - 9:13She's never held a camera
in her life before this. -
9:14 - 9:15She was 93.
-
9:41 - 9:44We would sit down together
and talk about our work. -
9:45 - 9:47I would try to explain
-
9:47 - 9:48(Laughter)
-
9:48 - 9:51how and why I did them,
-
9:51 - 9:54the meaning, the feeling,
why they were relevant. -
9:55 - 9:59Mom, on the other hand,
would just bluntly say, -
9:59 - 10:00"sì,"
-
10:00 - 10:02"no,"
-
10:02 - 10:04"bella" or "bruta."
-
10:04 - 10:05(Laughter)
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10:05 - 10:08I watched her facial expressions.
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10:10 - 10:15She always had the last say,
with words or without. -
10:17 - 10:20This voyage of discovery
hasn't ended with Mom. -
10:22 - 10:25She is now in an assisted
living residence, -
10:25 - 10:28a 10-minute walk away from my home.
-
10:29 - 10:31I visit her every other day.
-
10:34 - 10:35Her dementia had gotten to the point
-
10:35 - 10:38where it was unsafe for her
to be in my house. -
10:39 - 10:40It has a lot of stairs.
-
10:43 - 10:45She doesn't know my name anymore.
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10:47 - 10:49(Voice breaking)
But you know what? That's OK. -
10:51 - 10:53She still recognizes my face
-
10:53 - 10:57and always has a big smile
when she sees me. -
10:59 - 11:06(Applause)
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11:11 - 11:12(Applause ends)
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11:13 - 11:16I don't take pictures of her anymore.
-
11:16 - 11:19That wouldn't be fair
or ethical on my part. -
11:20 - 11:23And she wouldn't understand
the reasons for doing them. -
11:24 - 11:26My father,
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11:26 - 11:28my brother,
-
11:28 - 11:30(Voice breaking) my nephew,
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11:35 - 11:37my partner and my best friend,
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11:37 - 11:39all passed away suddenly.
-
11:40 - 11:42And I didn't have the chance
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11:42 - 11:45to tell them how much
I appreciated and loved them. -
11:47 - 11:51With Mom, I need to be there
-
11:51 - 11:54and make it a very long goodbye.
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11:57 - 12:04(Applause)
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12:09 - 12:10(Applause ends)
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12:11 - 12:15For me, it's about being present
and really listening. -
12:15 - 12:19Dependents want to feel
a part of something, anything. -
12:19 - 12:22It doesn't need to be something
exceptionally profound that's shared -- -
12:23 - 12:25it could be as simple as walks together.
-
12:27 - 12:29Give them a voice
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12:29 - 12:33of interaction, participation,
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12:33 - 12:35and a feeling of belonging.
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12:36 - 12:39Make the time meaningful.
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12:41 - 12:44Life, it's about wanting to live
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12:44 - 12:47and not waiting to die.
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12:50 - 12:57(Applause)
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12:59 - 13:00(Applause ends)
-
13:03 - 13:07Can I get a wave and a smile
from everyone, please? -
13:07 - 13:08(Laughter)
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13:08 - 13:10This is for you, Mom.
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13:12 - 13:13(Camera clicks)
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13:14 - 13:19(Applause)
- Title:
- A mother and son’s photographic journey through dementia
- Speaker:
- Tony Luciani
- Description:
-
Artist Tony Luciani was testing out a new camera when his 91-year-old mother, Elia, snuck into the background of his photos. The spontaneous images that resulted sparked a years-long collaboration, with Luciani documenting his mom's life and spirit as she lived with dementia. In this touching talk, he shares the stories behind some of their favorite shots, capturing the joy and grief of caring for an aging parent.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 13:32
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for A mother and son’s photographic journey through dementia | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for A mother and son’s photographic journey through dementia | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for A mother and son’s photographic journey through dementia | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for A mother and son’s photographic journey through dementia | ||
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for A mother and son’s photographic journey through dementia | ||
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for A mother and son’s photographic journey through dementia | ||
Brian Greene approved English subtitles for A mother and son’s photographic journey through dementia | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for A mother and son’s photographic journey through dementia |