[Script Info] Title: [Events] Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text Dialogue: 0,0:00:00.41,0:00:03.88,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,[This talk contains mature content\NViewer discretion is advised] Dialogue: 0,0:00:04.82,0:00:09.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My specialty, as a sex educator,\Nis I bring the science. Dialogue: 0,0:00:10.08,0:00:14.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But my first and most important job\Nis that I stay neutral Dialogue: 0,0:00:14.14,0:00:16.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when I talk about anything sex-related, Dialogue: 0,0:00:16.53,0:00:20.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,no embarrassment, no titillation,\Nno judgment, no shame, Dialogue: 0,0:00:20.78,0:00:22.11,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,no matter where I am. Dialogue: 0,0:00:22.41,0:00:25.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No matter what question you ask me. Dialogue: 0,0:00:26.35,0:00:28.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,At the end of a conference\Nin a hotel lobby once, Dialogue: 0,0:00:28.72,0:00:31.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm literally on my way out the door\Nand a colleague chases me down. Dialogue: 0,0:00:31.96,0:00:34.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Emily, I just have\Na really quick question. Dialogue: 0,0:00:35.06,0:00:36.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A friend of mine -- Dialogue: 0,0:00:36.44,0:00:37.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:00:37.62,0:00:41.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,wants to know if it's possible\Nto get addicted to her vibrator." Dialogue: 0,0:00:42.08,0:00:45.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The answer is no,\Nbut it is possible to get spoiled. Dialogue: 0,0:00:46.28,0:00:49.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A different conference,\Nthis one in an outdoor tropical paradise, Dialogue: 0,0:00:49.57,0:00:52.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm at the breakfast buffet,\Nand a couple approaches me. Dialogue: 0,0:00:53.54,0:00:55.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Hi, Emily, we're sorry to interrupt you Dialogue: 0,0:00:55.47,0:01:00.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but we just wanted to ask a quick question\Nabout premature ejaculation." Dialogue: 0,0:01:01.09,0:01:04.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Sure, let me tell you\Nabout the stop/start technique." Dialogue: 0,0:01:05.02,0:01:06.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That is my life. Dialogue: 0,0:01:06.53,0:01:10.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I stay neutral when\Nother people might "squick." Dialogue: 0,0:01:10.53,0:01:14.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Squick is an emotion\Nthat combines surprise Dialogue: 0,0:01:14.12,0:01:17.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with embarrassment plus some disgust Dialogue: 0,0:01:17.11,0:01:19.93,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and like, not knowing\Nwhat to do with your hands. Dialogue: 0,0:01:21.69,0:01:23.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So, it's a product. Dialogue: 0,0:01:23.33,0:01:24.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The reason you experience it Dialogue: 0,0:01:24.70,0:01:27.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is because you spent\Nthe first two decades of your life Dialogue: 0,0:01:27.32,0:01:31.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,learning that sex is a dangerous\Nand disgusting source of everlasting shame Dialogue: 0,0:01:31.51,0:01:34.96,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and if you're not really good at it,\Nno one will ever love you. Dialogue: 0,0:01:34.98,0:01:36.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:01:36.70,0:01:39.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So you might squick,\Nhearing me talk about sex Dialogue: 0,0:01:39.48,0:01:42.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,while you're sitting in a room\Nfull of strangers -- that is normal. Dialogue: 0,0:01:42.65,0:01:43.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I invite you to breathe. Dialogue: 0,0:01:44.01,0:01:45.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Feelings are tunnels. Dialogue: 0,0:01:45.59,0:01:48.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We make our way through the darkness\Nto get to the light at the end. Dialogue: 0,0:01:48.82,0:01:50.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I promise it's worth it. Dialogue: 0,0:01:50.19,0:01:52.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Because I want to share with you\Ntoday a piece of science Dialogue: 0,0:01:52.91,0:01:55.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that has changed\Nhow I think about everything, Dialogue: 0,0:01:55.28,0:01:59.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from the behavior of neurotransmitters\Nin our emotional brain, Dialogue: 0,0:01:59.05,0:02:02.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to the dynamics of our\Ninterpersonal relationships. Dialogue: 0,0:02:02.97,0:02:04.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To our judicial system. Dialogue: 0,0:02:05.61,0:02:07.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it starts with our brain. Dialogue: 0,0:02:07.16,0:02:10.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There's an area of your brain\Nyou've probably heard referred to Dialogue: 0,0:02:10.17,0:02:11.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,as the "reward center." Dialogue: 0,0:02:11.59,0:02:13.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think calling it the reward center Dialogue: 0,0:02:13.35,0:02:15.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is a little bit like calling\Nyour face your nose. Dialogue: 0,0:02:15.81,0:02:18.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That is one prominent feature, Dialogue: 0,0:02:18.30,0:02:22.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but it ignores some other parts\Nand will leave you really confused Dialogue: 0,0:02:22.18,0:02:24.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you're trying to understand\Nhow faces work. Dialogue: 0,0:02:25.14,0:02:28.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's actually three intertwined\Nbut separable systems. Dialogue: 0,0:02:28.58,0:02:30.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The first system is liking. Dialogue: 0,0:02:30.42,0:02:31.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which is like reward, Dialogue: 0,0:02:31.60,0:02:34.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so this is the opioid hotspots\Nin your emotional brain. Dialogue: 0,0:02:34.23,0:02:36.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It assesses hedonic impact -- Dialogue: 0,0:02:36.73,0:02:38.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Does this stimulus feel good? Dialogue: 0,0:02:38.29,0:02:39.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How good? Dialogue: 0,0:02:39.48,0:02:41.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Does this stimulus feel bad? Dialogue: 0,0:02:41.06,0:02:42.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,How bad?" Dialogue: 0,0:02:42.26,0:02:45.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you drop sugar water\Non the tongue of a newborn infant, Dialogue: 0,0:02:45.03,0:02:48.03,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the opioid-liking system\Nsets off fireworks. Dialogue: 0,0:02:48.68,0:02:50.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And then there's the wanting system. Dialogue: 0,0:02:50.44,0:02:54.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Wanting is mediated\Nby this vast dopaminergic network Dialogue: 0,0:02:54.26,0:02:56.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in and beyond the emotional brain. Dialogue: 0,0:02:56.34,0:03:00.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It motivates us to move toward\Nor away from a stimulus. Dialogue: 0,0:03:01.34,0:03:03.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Wanting is more like your toddler,\Nfollowing you around, Dialogue: 0,0:03:03.100,0:03:05.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,asking for another cookie. Dialogue: 0,0:03:05.57,0:03:07.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So wanting and liking are related. Dialogue: 0,0:03:08.22,0:03:09.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They are not identical. Dialogue: 0,0:03:09.97,0:03:12.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the third system is learning. Dialogue: 0,0:03:12.17,0:03:13.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Learning is Pavlov's dogs. Dialogue: 0,0:03:13.73,0:03:15.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You remember Pavlov? Dialogue: 0,0:03:15.09,0:03:17.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He makes dogs salivate\Nin response to a bell. Dialogue: 0,0:03:17.23,0:03:19.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's easy, you give a dog food,\Nsalivates automatically, Dialogue: 0,0:03:19.92,0:03:21.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you ring a bell. Dialogue: 0,0:03:21.11,0:03:22.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Food, salivate, bell. Dialogue: 0,0:03:22.30,0:03:23.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Food, bell, salivate. Dialogue: 0,0:03:23.90,0:03:25.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Bell, salivate. Dialogue: 0,0:03:26.66,0:03:30.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Does that salivation mean\Nthat the dog wants to eat the bell? Dialogue: 0,0:03:32.53,0:03:35.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Does it mean that the dog\Nfinds the bell delicious? Dialogue: 0,0:03:36.32,0:03:37.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No. Dialogue: 0,0:03:37.50,0:03:41.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What Pavlov did\Nwas make the bell food-related. Dialogue: 0,0:03:42.52,0:03:46.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When we see this separateness\Nof wanting, liking and learning, Dialogue: 0,0:03:46.03,0:03:48.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this is where we find\Nan explanatory framework Dialogue: 0,0:03:48.69,0:03:52.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for understanding what researchers call\Narousal nonconcordance. Dialogue: 0,0:03:52.68,0:03:54.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nonconcordance, very simply, Dialogue: 0,0:03:54.27,0:03:56.91,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is when there is a lack\Nof predictive relationship Dialogue: 0,0:03:56.93,0:03:59.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,between your physiological\Nresponse, like salivation, Dialogue: 0,0:03:59.92,0:04:03.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and your subjective experience\Nof pleasure and desire. Dialogue: 0,0:04:04.38,0:04:08.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That happens in every emotional\Nand motivational system that we have, Dialogue: 0,0:04:08.74,0:04:09.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,including sex. Dialogue: 0,0:04:10.38,0:04:11.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Research over the last 30 years Dialogue: 0,0:04:11.89,0:04:14.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,has found that genital\Nblood flow can increase Dialogue: 0,0:04:14.63,0:04:17.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in response to sex-related stimuli Dialogue: 0,0:04:17.47,0:04:20.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even if those sex-related stimuli\Nare not also associated Dialogue: 0,0:04:20.53,0:04:23.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with the subjective experience\Nof wanting and liking. Dialogue: 0,0:04:23.67,0:04:25.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, the predictive relationship Dialogue: 0,0:04:25.79,0:04:28.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,between genital response\Nand subjective experience Dialogue: 0,0:04:28.17,0:04:31.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is between 10 and 50 percent. Dialogue: 0,0:04:31.77,0:04:34.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Which is an enormous range. Dialogue: 0,0:04:34.75,0:04:38.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You just can't predict necessarily Dialogue: 0,0:04:38.18,0:04:41.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how a person feels\Nabout that sex-related stimulus Dialogue: 0,0:04:41.24,0:04:43.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just by looking\Nat their genital blood flow. Dialogue: 0,0:04:43.84,0:04:47.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I explained this to my husband,\Nhe gave me the best possible example. Dialogue: 0,0:04:47.36,0:04:48.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was like, Dialogue: 0,0:04:48.57,0:04:52.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"So, that could explain this one time,\Nwhen I was in high school, I ... Dialogue: 0,0:04:52.63,0:04:55.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got an erection in response\Nto the phrase 'doughnut hole.'" Dialogue: 0,0:04:55.69,0:04:57.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:04:57.20,0:04:59.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Did he want to have sex with the doughnut? Dialogue: 0,0:04:59.74,0:05:00.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,No. Dialogue: 0,0:05:00.93,0:05:03.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,He was a teenage boy\Nflooded with testosterone, Dialogue: 0,0:05:03.92,0:05:06.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which makes everything\Na little bit sex-related. Dialogue: 0,0:05:06.75,0:05:08.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it can go in both directions. Dialogue: 0,0:05:08.36,0:05:11.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A person with a penis may struggle\Nto get an erection one evening, Dialogue: 0,0:05:12.01,0:05:14.64,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then wake up the very next\Nmorning with an erection, Dialogue: 0,0:05:14.66,0:05:16.73,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when it's nothing but a hassle. Dialogue: 0,0:05:17.28,0:05:19.89,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I got a phone call from\Na 30-something friend, a woman, Dialogue: 0,0:05:19.91,0:05:23.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,she said, "So, my partner and I\Nwere in the middle of doing some things Dialogue: 0,0:05:23.35,0:05:25.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I was like, 'I want you right now.' Dialogue: 0,0:05:25.27,0:05:29.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he said, 'No, you're still dry,\Nyou're just being nice.' Dialogue: 0,0:05:30.11,0:05:31.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And I was so ready. Dialogue: 0,0:05:31.63,0:05:34.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So what's the matter, is it hormonal,\Nshould I talk to a doctor, Dialogue: 0,0:05:34.67,0:05:35.85,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what's going on?" Dialogue: 0,0:05:35.88,0:05:37.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Answer? Dialogue: 0,0:05:37.08,0:05:38.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's arousal nonconcordance. Dialogue: 0,0:05:38.54,0:05:41.94,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you're experiencing unwanted pain,\Ntalk to a medical provider. Dialogue: 0,0:05:42.26,0:05:44.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Otherwise -- arousal nonconcordance. Dialogue: 0,0:05:44.33,0:05:47.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Your genital behavior\Njust doesn't necessarily predict Dialogue: 0,0:05:47.34,0:05:50.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,your subjective experience\Nof liking and wanting. Dialogue: 0,0:05:50.61,0:05:52.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Another friend, back in college, Dialogue: 0,0:05:52.16,0:05:55.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,told me about her first experiences\Nof power play in a sexual relationship. Dialogue: 0,0:05:55.73,0:05:57.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She told me that her partner tied her up Dialogue: 0,0:05:57.69,0:06:01.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,with her arms over her head like this,\Nshe's standing up and he positions her Dialogue: 0,0:06:01.36,0:06:04.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so she's straddling a bar, presses up\Nagainst her clitoris, like this. Dialogue: 0,0:06:04.78,0:06:07.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So there's my friend, standing there,\Nand the guy leaves. Dialogue: 0,0:06:07.51,0:06:08.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's a power play. Dialogue: 0,0:06:08.74,0:06:09.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Leaves her alone. Dialogue: 0,0:06:09.92,0:06:12.21,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So there's my friend, and she goes, Dialogue: 0,0:06:12.24,0:06:13.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm bored." Dialogue: 0,0:06:13.46,0:06:14.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:06:14.70,0:06:17.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the guy comes back\Nand she says, "I am bored." Dialogue: 0,0:06:18.57,0:06:20.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And he looks at her\Nand he looks at the bar Dialogue: 0,0:06:20.61,0:06:23.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he says, "Then why are you wet?" Dialogue: 0,0:06:24.13,0:06:25.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why was she wet? Dialogue: 0,0:06:26.70,0:06:30.43,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is it sex-related to have pressure\Ndirectly against your clitoris? Dialogue: 0,0:06:30.46,0:06:31.61,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Yeah. Dialogue: 0,0:06:31.64,0:06:34.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Does that tell him whether\Nshe wants or likes what's happening? Dialogue: 0,0:06:35.84,0:06:37.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nope. Dialogue: 0,0:06:37.19,0:06:40.74,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,What does tell him whether\Nshe wants or likes what's happening? Dialogue: 0,0:06:42.22,0:06:43.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She does! Dialogue: 0,0:06:43.40,0:06:47.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She recognized and articulated\Nwhat she wanted and liked. Dialogue: 0,0:06:47.47,0:06:50.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,All he had to do was listen to her words. Dialogue: 0,0:06:50.45,0:06:53.80,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My friend on the phone --\Nwhat's the solution? Dialogue: 0,0:06:53.83,0:06:57.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You tell your partner,\N"Listen to your words." Dialogue: 0,0:06:57.50,0:06:58.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Also, buy some lube. Dialogue: 0,0:06:59.56,0:07:01.49,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:07:01.51,0:07:02.95,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause) Dialogue: 0,0:07:02.97,0:07:04.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Applause for lube, absolutely. Dialogue: 0,0:07:04.87,0:07:06.30,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause) Dialogue: 0,0:07:06.32,0:07:07.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Everyone, everywhere. Dialogue: 0,0:07:08.86,0:07:11.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But I want to tell you a darker\Nlisten-to-her-words story. Dialogue: 0,0:07:11.93,0:07:14.45,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This one comes from a note\Nthat a student sent me Dialogue: 0,0:07:14.47,0:07:16.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,after I gave a lecture\Nabout arousal nonconcordance. Dialogue: 0,0:07:16.100,0:07:20.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She was with a partner,\Na new partner, glad to be doing things, Dialogue: 0,0:07:20.43,0:07:21.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they reached a point Dialogue: 0,0:07:21.60,0:07:24.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,where that was as far\Nas she was interested in going Dialogue: 0,0:07:24.07,0:07:25.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so she said no. Dialogue: 0,0:07:25.25,0:07:29.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And the partner said, "No, you're wet,\Nyou're so ready, don't be shy." Dialogue: 0,0:07:30.43,0:07:31.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Shy? Dialogue: 0,0:07:31.93,0:07:35.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,As if it hadn't taken all the courage\Nand confidence she had Dialogue: 0,0:07:35.42,0:07:37.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to say no to someone she liked. Dialogue: 0,0:07:37.93,0:07:40.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Whose feelings she did not want to hurt. Dialogue: 0,0:07:40.94,0:07:42.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But she said it again. Dialogue: 0,0:07:43.36,0:07:44.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She said no. Dialogue: 0,0:07:45.73,0:07:47.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Did he listen to her words? Dialogue: 0,0:07:49.77,0:07:53.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the age of Me Too\Nand Time's Up, people ask me, Dialogue: 0,0:07:53.88,0:07:56.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"How do I even know\Nwhat my partner wants and likes? Dialogue: 0,0:07:56.36,0:07:58.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Is all consent to be verbal\Nand contractual now?" Dialogue: 0,0:07:58.85,0:08:00.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There are times when consent is ambiguous Dialogue: 0,0:08:00.86,0:08:04.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we need a large-scale\Ncultural conversation about that. Dialogue: 0,0:08:05.00,0:08:08.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But can we make sure we're noticing\Nhow clear consent is Dialogue: 0,0:08:09.01,0:08:11.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if we eliminate this myth? Dialogue: 0,0:08:11.12,0:08:13.32,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In every example I've described so far, Dialogue: 0,0:08:13.34,0:08:17.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one partner recognized and articulated\Nwhat they wanted and liked: Dialogue: 0,0:08:17.20,0:08:19.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I want you right now." Dialogue: 0,0:08:19.03,0:08:20.18,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"No." Dialogue: 0,0:08:20.66,0:08:22.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And their partner told them\Nthey were wrong. Dialogue: 0,0:08:23.61,0:08:25.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's gaslighting. Dialogue: 0,0:08:25.04,0:08:27.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Profound and degrading. Dialogue: 0,0:08:27.16,0:08:28.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You say you feel one way, Dialogue: 0,0:08:28.40,0:08:31.60,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but your body proves\Nthat you feel something else. Dialogue: 0,0:08:31.62,0:08:34.20,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we only do this around sexuality, Dialogue: 0,0:08:34.22,0:08:35.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because arousal nonconcordance Dialogue: 0,0:08:35.72,0:08:38.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,happens with every emotional\Nand motivational system we have. Dialogue: 0,0:08:38.61,0:08:42.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If my mouth waters\Nwhen I bite into a wormy apple, Dialogue: 0,0:08:42.92,0:08:44.65,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,does anybody say to me, Dialogue: 0,0:08:44.67,0:08:47.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"You said no, but your body said yes?" Dialogue: 0,0:08:47.28,0:08:48.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter) Dialogue: 0,0:08:48.99,0:08:51.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it's not only our partners\Nwho get it wrong. Dialogue: 0,0:08:51.82,0:08:54.68,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The National Judicial Education Program\Npublished a document Dialogue: 0,0:08:54.70,0:08:59.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,called "Judges Tell: What I Wish\NI Had Known Before I Presided Dialogue: 0,0:08:59.20,0:09:01.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in a Case of an Adult Victim\Nof Sexual Assault." Dialogue: 0,0:09:02.43,0:09:03.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Number 13: Dialogue: 0,0:09:03.74,0:09:08.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,On occasion, the victim, female or male,\Nmay experience a physical response, Dialogue: 0,0:09:08.08,0:09:12.29,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but this is not a sexual response\Nin the sense of desire or mutuality." Dialogue: 0,0:09:12.32,0:09:14.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This brings me one step closer\Ninto the darkness, Dialogue: 0,0:09:14.65,0:09:17.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then I promise\Nwe will find our way into the light. Dialogue: 0,0:09:17.28,0:09:20.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm thinking of a recent court case\Ninvolving multiple instances Dialogue: 0,0:09:20.31,0:09:22.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of non-consensual sexual contact. Dialogue: 0,0:09:22.15,0:09:23.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Imagine you're on the jury Dialogue: 0,0:09:23.90,0:09:26.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and you learn that the victim had orgasms. Dialogue: 0,0:09:27.40,0:09:29.77,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Does it change how your gut\Nresponds to the case? Dialogue: 0,0:09:30.74,0:09:32.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Let me remind you,\Norgasm is physiological; Dialogue: 0,0:09:32.78,0:09:35.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it is a spontaneous,\Ninvoluntary release of tension, Dialogue: 0,0:09:35.24,0:09:38.12,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,generated in response\Nto sex-related stimuli. Dialogue: 0,0:09:39.43,0:09:43.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But the perpetrator’s lawyer made sure\Nthe jury knew about those orgasms Dialogue: 0,0:09:43.55,0:09:47.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because he thought the orgasms\Ncould be construed as consent. Dialogue: 0,0:09:48.67,0:09:52.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I will also add that this was a child\Nbeing abused by an adult in the family. Dialogue: 0,0:09:52.67,0:09:54.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I invite you to breathe. Dialogue: 0,0:09:54.68,0:09:57.46,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That kind of story can give a person\Nall kind of feelings, Dialogue: 0,0:09:57.48,0:10:01.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from rage to shame to confused arousal Dialogue: 0,0:10:01.09,0:10:02.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it is sex-related, Dialogue: 0,0:10:03.01,0:10:05.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,even though it is appalling. Dialogue: 0,0:10:07.07,0:10:09.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But even though I know it's difficult Dialogue: 0,0:10:09.78,0:10:12.37,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to sit with those feelings\Nin a room full of strangers, Dialogue: 0,0:10:12.40,0:10:15.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if we can find our way through\Nall of the messy feelings, Dialogue: 0,0:10:15.69,0:10:20.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I believe we will find our way\Nto the light of compassion Dialogue: 0,0:10:20.24,0:10:22.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for that child, Dialogue: 0,0:10:22.27,0:10:24.83,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whose relationship\Nwith her body was damaged Dialogue: 0,0:10:24.86,0:10:27.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,by an adult whose job it was\Nto protect it. Dialogue: 0,0:10:28.56,0:10:32.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And we'll find hope\Nthat there was a trustworthy adult Dialogue: 0,0:10:32.68,0:10:34.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who could say, "Genital response Dialogue: 0,0:10:34.43,0:10:38.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,just means it was a sex-related stimulus;\Ndoesn't mean it was wanted or liked, Dialogue: 0,0:10:38.16,0:10:40.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,certainly doesn't mean\Nit was consented to. Dialogue: 0,0:10:41.12,0:10:46.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause) Dialogue: 0,0:10:46.28,0:10:51.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,That compassion and that hope\Nare why I travel all over, Dialogue: 0,0:10:51.30,0:10:53.41,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,talking about this\Nto anyone who will listen. Dialogue: 0,0:10:53.43,0:10:57.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I can see it helping people,\Neven as I say the words. Dialogue: 0,0:10:59.35,0:11:02.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I invite you to say the words. Dialogue: 0,0:11:03.54,0:11:06.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You don't have to say "clitoris"\Nin front of 1000 strangers. Dialogue: 0,0:11:06.78,0:11:10.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But do have one brave conversation. Dialogue: 0,0:11:10.31,0:11:13.50,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Tell this to someone you know\Nwho has experienced sexual violence -- Dialogue: 0,0:11:13.52,0:11:14.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you definitely know someone. Dialogue: 0,0:11:14.88,0:11:17.05,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In the US it's one in three women. Dialogue: 0,0:11:17.08,0:11:18.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One in six men. Dialogue: 0,0:11:18.99,0:11:21.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Almost half of transgender folks. Dialogue: 0,0:11:21.68,0:11:25.02,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Say "Genital response means\Nit's a sex-related stimulus. Dialogue: 0,0:11:25.05,0:11:27.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It doesn't mean it was wanted or liked." Dialogue: 0,0:11:27.53,0:11:30.31,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Say it to a judge you know\Nor a lawyer you know, Dialogue: 0,0:11:30.33,0:11:34.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or a cop or anyone who might sit\Non a jury in a sexual assault case. Dialogue: 0,0:11:34.26,0:11:36.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Say "Some people think\Nthat your body doesn't respond Dialogue: 0,0:11:36.87,0:11:39.48,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you don't want\Nor like what's happening, Dialogue: 0,0:11:39.51,0:11:40.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if only that were true. Dialogue: 0,0:11:40.93,0:11:43.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Instead, arousal nonconcordance. Dialogue: 0,0:11:43.58,0:11:46.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Say this to the confused\Nteenager in your life Dialogue: 0,0:11:46.89,0:11:50.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who is just trying to figure out\Nwhat, even, what? Dialogue: 0,0:11:51.24,0:11:56.87,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Say, if you bite this moldy fruit\Nand your mouth waters, Dialogue: 0,0:11:56.90,0:11:58.27,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,nobody would say to you, Dialogue: 0,0:11:58.29,0:12:01.54,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Well, you just don't want to admit\Nhow much you like it." Dialogue: 0,0:12:01.56,0:12:04.62,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Same goes for down below,\Narousal nonconcordance. Dialogue: 0,0:12:05.39,0:12:06.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Say it to your partner. Dialogue: 0,0:12:07.24,0:12:10.09,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My genitals do not tell you\Nwhat I want or like. Dialogue: 0,0:12:10.82,0:12:11.97,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I do. Dialogue: 0,0:12:12.81,0:12:18.25,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause) Dialogue: 0,0:12:18.27,0:12:19.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The roots of this myth are deep Dialogue: 0,0:12:19.79,0:12:23.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and they are entangled with some\Nvery dark forces in our culture. Dialogue: 0,0:12:23.09,0:12:26.63,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But with every brave conversation we have, Dialogue: 0,0:12:26.66,0:12:29.40,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we make the world\Nthat little bit better, a little simpler Dialogue: 0,0:12:29.42,0:12:31.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the confused teenager. Dialogue: 0,0:12:31.46,0:12:34.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A little easier for your friend\Non the phone, worried that she's broken. Dialogue: 0,0:12:36.36,0:12:39.24,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,A little easier and safer Dialogue: 0,0:12:39.26,0:12:41.90,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,for the survivors, one in three women. Dialogue: 0,0:12:41.93,0:12:43.08,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,One in six men. Dialogue: 0,0:12:43.65,0:12:45.58,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Half of trans folks. Dialogue: 0,0:12:46.63,0:12:47.78,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Me too. Dialogue: 0,0:12:48.51,0:12:50.98,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So for every brave conversation you have, Dialogue: 0,0:12:52.60,0:12:53.75,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,thank you. Dialogue: 0,0:12:53.78,0:13:00.72,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause) Dialogue: 0,0:13:01.27,0:13:02.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you. Dialogue: 0,0:13:03.38,0:13:04.56,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thanks. Dialogue: 0,0:13:04.58,0:13:07.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause) Dialogue: 0,0:13:08.23,0:13:10.06,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Helen Walters: Emily, come up here. Dialogue: 0,0:13:10.09,0:13:11.34,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Thank you so much. Dialogue: 0,0:13:11.64,0:13:13.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I know that you do this all the time, Dialogue: 0,0:13:13.50,0:13:16.82,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and yet, still, I'm so grateful to you\Nfor having the courage Dialogue: 0,0:13:16.85,0:13:18.86,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to come and talk about that on this stage. Dialogue: 0,0:13:18.89,0:13:21.33,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It really took a lot\Nand we're very grateful to you. Dialogue: 0,0:13:21.36,0:13:22.53,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So thank you. Dialogue: 0,0:13:22.56,0:13:24.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Emily Nagoski: I am grateful to be here. Dialogue: 0,0:13:24.50,0:13:26.10,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,HW: So in your regular day job, Dialogue: 0,0:13:26.12,0:13:28.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I imagine, as you put\Nat the top of the talk, Dialogue: 0,0:13:28.24,0:13:29.84,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you get asked a lot of questions. Dialogue: 0,0:13:29.86,0:13:33.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,But what's the one question\Nthat you get asked all the time Dialogue: 0,0:13:33.50,0:13:38.01,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that you can share with everyone here\Nso you don't have to answer it 1000 times Dialogue: 0,0:13:38.03,0:13:39.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,throughout the rest of the week? Dialogue: 0,0:13:39.90,0:13:41.79,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,EN: The question I get asked most often Dialogue: 0,0:13:41.82,0:13:45.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is actually the question underneath\Npretty much all the other questions, Dialogue: 0,0:13:45.24,0:13:47.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,so, can you get addicted to your vibrator, Dialogue: 0,0:13:47.31,0:13:49.39,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,please help me\Nwith my erectile dysfunction? Dialogue: 0,0:13:49.41,0:13:52.51,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Underneath every question is actually\Nthe question, "Am I normal?" Dialogue: 0,0:13:52.84,0:13:55.22,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To which my answer in my mind is, Dialogue: 0,0:13:55.24,0:13:59.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what even is normal and why is that\Nwhat you want your sexuality to be? Dialogue: 0,0:13:59.94,0:14:02.28,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Why do we only want to be normal\Naround sexuality? Dialogue: 0,0:14:02.31,0:14:04.16,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Don't we want to be extraordinary? Dialogue: 0,0:14:04.18,0:14:07.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like, do you just want normal sex\Nor do you want awesome sex in your life? Dialogue: 0,0:14:08.01,0:14:10.47,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I think, though, there's a lot of fear Dialogue: 0,0:14:10.50,0:14:12.66,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,around being too different sexually. Dialogue: 0,0:14:12.69,0:14:14.23,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When people are asking me, Dialogue: 0,0:14:14.25,0:14:16.17,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Is this thing I'm experiencing normal," Dialogue: 0,0:14:16.20,0:14:19.59,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what they're actually\Nasking me is, "Do I belong?" Dialogue: 0,0:14:19.100,0:14:21.92,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Do I belong in this relationship, Dialogue: 0,0:14:21.94,0:14:24.42,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,do I belong in this community of people, Dialogue: 0,0:14:24.44,0:14:27.15,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,do I belong on earth as a sexual person? Dialogue: 0,0:14:27.18,0:14:31.14,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,To which the answer is always\Na resounding yes. Dialogue: 0,0:14:31.16,0:14:35.19,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The only barrier there is,\Nthe only limit there is, there are two: Dialogue: 0,0:14:35.21,0:14:38.35,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,one, if you're experiencing\Nunwanted sexual pain, Dialogue: 0,0:14:38.37,0:14:39.67,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,talk to a medical provider. Dialogue: 0,0:14:39.70,0:14:44.04,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And two: As along as everybody involved\Nis free and glad to be there, Dialogue: 0,0:14:44.07,0:14:45.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and free to leave whenever they want to, Dialogue: 0,0:14:46.02,0:14:48.70,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you're allowed to do\Nanything that you want to. Dialogue: 0,0:14:48.73,0:14:51.55,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,There is no script,\Nthere is no box you have to fit into, Dialogue: 0,0:14:51.58,0:14:55.13,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you're allowed, as long as there is\Nconsent and no unwanted pain, Dialogue: 0,0:14:55.15,0:14:57.76,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you're totally free to do\Nwhatever you want. Dialogue: 0,0:14:57.78,0:14:59.38,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,HW: Amazing. Thank you so much. Dialogue: 0,0:14:59.40,0:15:00.57,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,EN: Thank you. Dialogue: 0,0:15:00.60,0:15:02.26,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,HW: Thank you, you're incredible. Dialogue: 0,0:15:02.29,0:15:03.44,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Applause)