WEBVTT

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So I want to start this talk
by showing y'all a photo,

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and it's a photo many of you
have probably seen before.

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So I want you all to take a moment

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and look at this photo

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and really reflect on some
of the things that come to mind,

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and what are some
of those things, those words.

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Now, I'm going to ask you all
you all to look at me.

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What words come to mind
when you look at me?

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What separates that man up there

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from me?

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The man in that photo
is named David Kirby,

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and it was taken in 1990 as he
was dying from AIDS-related illness,

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and it was subsequently
published in Life Magazine.

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The only real thing
separating me from Kirby

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is about 30 years of medical advancements
in the way that we treat HIV and AIDS.

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So what I want to ask next is this:

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if we have made such exponential progress

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in combatting HIV,

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why haven't our perceptions
of those with the virus evolved alongside?

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Why does HIV elicit this reaction from us
when it's so easily managed?

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When did the stigmatization even occur,

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and why hasn't it subsided?

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And these are not
easy questions to answer.

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They're the congealing
of so many different factors and ideas.

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Powerful images, like this one of Kirby,

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these were the faces of the AIDS crisis
in the '80s and '90s,

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and at the time the crisis
had a very obvious impact

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on an already stigmatized group of people,

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and that was gay men.

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So what the general straight public saw
was this very awful thing

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happening to a group of people who
were already on the fringes of society.

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The media at the time began
to use the two almost interchangeably,

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gay and AIDS,

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and at the 1984 Republican
National Convention,

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one of the speakers joked
that gay stood for "got AIDS yet?"

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And that was the mindset at the time.

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But as we started
to understand the virus more

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and how it was transmitted,

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we realized that that risk
had increased its territory.

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The highly profiled case
of Ryan White in 1985,

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who was a 13-year old hemophiliac
who had contracted HIV

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from a contaminated blood treatment,

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and this marked the most profound shift
in America's perception of HIV.

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No longer was it restricted
to these dark corners of society,

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to queers and drug users,

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but now it was affecting people

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that society deemed
worthy of their empathy,

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to children.

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But that permeating fear
and that perception, it still lingers.

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And I want a show of hands
for these next few questions.

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How many of you in here
were aware that with treatment,

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those with HIV not only
fend off AIDS completely,

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but they live full and normal lives?

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Y'all are educated.

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(Laughter)

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How many of you are aware
that with treatment,

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those with HIV can reach
an undetectable status,

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and that makes them
virtually uninfectious?

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Much less.

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How many of you were aware
of the pre- and post-exposure treatments

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that are available that reduce
the risk of transmission

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by over 90 percent?

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See, these are incredible advancements
that we have made in fighting HIV,

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yet they have not managed
to dent the perception

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that most Americans have of the virus
and those living with it.

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And I don't want you to think
I'm downplaying the danger of this virus,

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and I am not ignorant of
the harrowing past of the AIDS epidemic.

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I am trying to convey
that there is hope for those infected,

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and HIV is not the death sentence
it was in the '80s.

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And now you may ask, and I asked
this question myself initially,

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where are the stories?

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Where are these people living with HIV?
Why haven't they been vocal?

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How can I believe these successes,
or these statistics,

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without seeing the successes?

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And this is actually
a very easy question for me to answer.

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Fear, stigma, and shame:

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these keep those living with HIV
in the closet, so to speak.

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Our sexual histories are as personal
to us as our medical histories,

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and when you overlap the two,
you can find yourself

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in a very sensitive space.

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The fear of how others
perceive us when we're honest

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keeps us from doing many things in life,

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and this is the case
for the HIV-positive population.

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To face social scrutiny and ridicule
is the price that we pay for transparency,

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and why become a martyr
when you can effectively pass

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as someone without HIV?

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After all, there are no
physical indications you have the virus.

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There's no sign that you wear.

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There is safety in assimilation,

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and there is safety in invisibility.

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I'm here to throw back that veil
and share my story.

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So in the fall of 2014,
I was a sophomore in college,

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and like most college students,
I was sexually active,

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and I generally took precautions
to minimize the risk that sex carries.

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Now I say generally,
because I wasn't always safe.

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It only takes a single misstep
before we're flat on the ground,

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and my misstep is pretty obvious.

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I had unprotected sex,
and I didn't think much of it.

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Fast forward about three weeks,
and it felt like I'd been trampled

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by a herd of wildebeest.

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The aches in my body
were like nothing I have felt

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before or since.

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I would get these bouts
of fever and chill.

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I would reel with nausea,
and it was difficult to walk.

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Being a biology student,
I had some prior exposure to disease,

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and being a fairly informed gay man,
I had read a bit on HIV,

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so to me, it clicked
that this was seroconversion,

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or as it's sometimes called,
acute HIV infection,

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and this is the body's reaction
in producing antibodies

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to the HIV antigen.

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It's important to know that not everybody
goes through this phase of sickness,

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but I was one of the lucky ones who did,

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and I was lucky as in,
there were these physical symptoms

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that let me know, hey, something is wrong,

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and it let me detect
the virus pretty early.

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So just to clarify,
just to hit the nail on head,

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I got tested on campus,

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and they said they would call me
the next morning with the results,

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and they called me,

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but they asked me to come in
and speak to the doctor on staff,

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and the reaction I received from her

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wasn't what I was expecting.

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She reassured me what I already knew,
that this wasn't a death sentence,

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and she even offered to put me
in contact with her brother,

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who had been living with HIV
since the early '90s.

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I declined her offer,
but I was deeply touched.

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I was expecting to be reprimanded.

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I was expecting pity and disappointment,

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and I was shown compassion
and human warmth,

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and I'm forever grateful
for that first exchange.

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So obviously for a few weeks,
I was a physical mess.

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Emotionally, mentally, I was doing okay.

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I was taking it well.

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But my body was ravaged,

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and those close to me,
they weren't oblivious.

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So I sat my roommates down

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and I let them know
I'd been diagnosed with HIV,

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that I was about to receive treatment,
and I didn't want them to worry.

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And I remember the look on their faces.

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They were holding each other
on the couch and they were crying,

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and I consoled them.

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I consoled them about my own bad news,

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but it was heartwarming
to see that they cared.

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But from that night, I noticed a shift

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in the way that I was treated at home.

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My roommates wouldn't
touch anything of mine,

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and they wouldn't
eat anything I had cooked.

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Now, in South Louisiana,

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we all know that you don't refuse food.

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(Laughter)

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And I'm a damn good cook,
so don't think that passed me by.

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(Laughter)

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But from these first silent hints,
their aversion got gradually more obvious,

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and more offensive.

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I was asked to move my toothbrush
from the bathroom,

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I was asked to not share towels,

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and I was even asked to wash
my clothes on a hotter setting.

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This wasn't head lice, y'all.

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This wasn't scabies. This was HIV.

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It can be transmitted through blood,

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sexual fluids like semen
or vaginal fluids,

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and breast milk.

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Since I wasn't sleeping with my roommates,

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I wasn't breastfeeding them --

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(Laughter) --

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and we weren't reenacting "Twilight,"

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I was of no risk to them,

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and I made this aware to them,

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but still, this discomfort, it continued,

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until eventually I was asked to move out.

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And I was asked to move out

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because one of my roommates

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had shared my status with her parents.

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She shared my personal
medical information to strangers.

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And now I'm doing that
in a roomful of 300 of y'all,

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but at the time, this was not
something I was comfortable with,

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and they expressed their discomfort
with their daughter living with me.

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So being gay, raised
in a religious household,

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and living in the South,

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discrimination wasn't new to me,

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but this form was,

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and it was tremendously disappointing

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because it came
from such an unlikely source.

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Not only were these
college-educated people,

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not only were they other members
of the LGBT community,

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but they were also my friends.

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So I did. I moved out
at the end of the semester,

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but it wasn't to appease them.

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It was out of respect for myself.

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I wasn't going to subject myself
to people who were unwilling

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to remedy their ignorance,

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and I wasn't going to let something
that was now a part of me

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ever be used as a tool against me.

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So I opted for transparency
about my status

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always being visible.

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And this is what I like to call
being the everyday advocate.

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The point of this transparency,
the point of this everyday advocacy,

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was to dispel ignorance,

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and ignorance is a very scary word.

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We don't want to be seen as ignorant,

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and we definitely don't
want to be called it.

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But ignorance is not
synonymous with stupid.

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It's not the inability to learn.

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It's the state you're in before you learn.

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So when I saw someone
coming from a place of ignorance,

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I saw an opportunity for them to learn,

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and hopefully, if I could
spread some education,

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then I could mitigate
situations for others

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like I had experienced with my roommates

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and save someone else
down the line that humiliation.

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So the reactions I received
haven't been all positive.

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Here in the South,

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we have a lot stigma
due to religious pressures,

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our lack of a comprehensive sex education,

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and our general conservative outlook
on anything sexual.

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We view this as a gay disease.

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Globally, most new HIV infections
occur between heterosexual partners,

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and here in the States, women,
especially women of color,

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are at an increased risk.

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This is not a gay disease.
It never has been.

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It's a disease we should
all be concerned with.

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So initially, I felt limited.

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I wanted to expand my scope
and reach beyond what was around me.

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So naturally,

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I turned to the dark underworld
of online dating apps,

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to apps like Grindr,

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and for those of you who are unfamiliar,

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these are dating apps
targeted towards gay men.

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You can upload a profile and a picture

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and it will show you
available guys within a radius.

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Y'all have probably heard of Tinder.

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Grindr has been around for a lot longer,

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since it was much harder
to meet your future gay husband

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at church or the grocery store,
or whatever straight people did

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before they found out
they could date on their phones.

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So on Grindr, if you liked
what you saw or read,

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you could send someone a message,
you can meet up, you can do other things.

NOTE Paragraph

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So on my profile, I obviously stated
that I had HIV, I was undetectable,

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and I welcomed questions about my status.

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And I received a lot of questions,

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and a lot of comments,
both positive and negative.

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And I want to start with the negative,

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just to frame some of this ignorance
that I've mentioned before.

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And most of these negative comments

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were passing remarks or assumptions.

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They would assume things
about my sex life or my sex habits.

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They would assume I put myself
or others at risk.

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But very often I would just be met
with these passing ignorant remarks.

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In the gay community,
it's common to hear the word "clean"

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when you're referring to someone
who is HIV negative.

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Of course the flipside to that
is being unclean, or dirty,

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when you do have HIV.

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Now, I'm not sensitive
and I'm only truly dirty

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after a day in the field,

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but this is damaging language.

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This is a community-driven stigma

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that keeps many gay men
from disclosing their status,

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and it keeps those newly diagnosed

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from seeking support
within their own community,

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and I find that truly distressing.

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But thankfully, the positive responses
have been a lot more numerous,

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and they came from guys who were curious.

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And they were curious
about the risks of transmission,

00:13:41.379 --> 00:13:43.614
or what exactly "undetectable" meant,

00:13:43.614 --> 00:13:45.440
or where they could get tested,

00:13:45.440 --> 00:13:48.251
or some guys would ask me
about my experiences,

00:13:48.251 --> 00:13:50.102
and I could share my story with them.

00:13:50.102 --> 00:13:52.387
But most importantly,

00:13:52.387 --> 00:13:56.592
I would get approached by guys
who were newly diagnosed with HIV,

00:13:56.592 --> 00:13:59.016
and they were scared, and they were alone,

00:13:59.016 --> 00:14:02.291
and they didn't know
what step to take next.

00:14:02.291 --> 00:14:04.094
They didn't want to tell their family,

00:14:04.094 --> 00:14:05.277
they didn't want to tell their friends,

00:14:05.277 --> 00:14:09.914
and they felt damaged,
and they felt dirty.

00:14:09.914 --> 00:14:12.828
And I did whatever I could
to immediately calm them,

00:14:12.828 --> 00:14:15.895
and then I would put them in contact
with AcadianaCares,

00:14:15.895 --> 00:14:18.961
which is a wonderful resource
we have in our community

00:14:18.961 --> 00:14:20.981
for those with HIV.

00:14:20.981 --> 00:14:23.811
And I'd put them in contact
with people I knew personally

00:14:23.811 --> 00:14:28.178
so that they could not only
have this safe space to feel human again,

00:14:28.178 --> 00:14:30.334
but so they could also have
the resources they needed

00:14:30.334 --> 00:14:32.495
in affording their treatment.

00:14:32.495 --> 00:14:36.082
And this was by far
the most humbling aspect

00:14:36.082 --> 00:14:37.732
of my transparency,

00:14:37.732 --> 00:14:43.300
that I could have some positive impact
on those who were suffering like I did,

00:14:43.300 --> 00:14:45.719
that I could help those
who were in the dark,

00:14:45.719 --> 00:14:49.582
because I had been there
and it wasn't a good place to be.

00:14:49.582 --> 00:14:52.025
These guys came from
all different backgrounds,

00:14:52.025 --> 00:14:54.672
and many of them weren't
as informed as I had been,

00:14:54.672 --> 00:14:58.167
and they were coming to me
from a place of fear.

00:14:58.167 --> 00:15:00.338
Some of these people I knew personally,

00:15:00.338 --> 00:15:01.752
or they knew of me,

00:15:01.752 --> 00:15:03.990
but many more, they were anonymous.

00:15:03.990 --> 00:15:08.643
They were these blank profiles
who were too afraid to show their faces

00:15:08.643 --> 00:15:09.874
after what they had told me.

00:15:09.874 --> 00:15:12.523
And on the topic of transparency,

00:15:12.523 --> 00:15:15.376
I want to leave y'all with a few thoughts.

00:15:15.376 --> 00:15:18.795
I found that with whatever risk
or gamble I took

00:15:18.795 --> 00:15:20.652
in putting my face out there,

00:15:20.652 --> 00:15:22.937
it was well worth any negative comment,

00:15:22.937 --> 00:15:24.859
any flak I received,

00:15:24.859 --> 00:15:29.821
because I felt I was able to make
this real and this tangible impact.

00:15:29.821 --> 00:15:32.857
And it showed me that our efforts resound,

00:15:32.857 --> 00:15:36.723
that we can alter the lives
that we encounter for the good,

00:15:36.723 --> 00:15:40.803
and they in turn can take that momentum
and push it even further.

00:15:40.803 --> 00:15:44.643
And if any of you or anyone you know
is dealing with HIV,

00:15:44.643 --> 00:15:47.430
or if you want to see what resources
you have in your community,

00:15:47.430 --> 00:15:50.960
or just educate yourself
more on the disease,

00:15:50.960 --> 00:15:54.615
here are some wonderful national sites
that you can access,

00:15:54.615 --> 00:15:57.409
and you are more than welcome
to find me after this talk

00:15:57.409 --> 00:15:59.302
and ask me anything you'd like.

NOTE Paragraph

00:15:59.302 --> 00:16:03.797
We've all heard the phrase
"to see the forest through the trees,"

00:16:03.797 --> 00:16:09.448
so I implore all of you here to really
see the human through the disease.

00:16:09.448 --> 00:16:13.394
It's a very easy thing
to see numbers and statistics

00:16:13.394 --> 00:16:16.736
and only see the perceived dangers.

00:16:16.736 --> 00:16:22.563
It's a much harder thing to see
all the faces behind all those numbers.

00:16:22.563 --> 00:16:25.760
So when you find yourself thinking
those things, those words,

00:16:25.760 --> 00:16:28.897
what you might have thought
looking at David Kirby,

00:16:28.897 --> 00:16:35.569
I ask you instead, think son,
or think brother,

00:16:35.569 --> 00:16:38.627
think friend,

00:16:38.627 --> 00:16:41.109
and most importantly, think human.

00:16:41.109 --> 00:16:44.267
See education when faced with ignorance,

00:16:44.267 --> 00:16:45.982
and always be mindful

00:16:45.982 --> 00:16:48.811
and always be compassionate.

NOTE Paragraph

00:16:48.811 --> 00:16:50.653
Thank you.

NOTE Paragraph

00:16:50.653 --> 00:16:52.374
(Applause)