Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO): Net Neutrality

Our top story tonight concerns the Internet, aka the electronic cat database.

But first, let's take just a moment together and appreciate how amazing the Internet is.

You can use to file your taxes, apply for jobs ... you can go online right now, and buy a case of coyote urine.

Do you know how difficult it used to be to obtain coyote urine?

You literally have to give a coyote Gatorade and then wait. It was a mess. The system was a mess.

But, if you have tuned on the news recently, you may have heard some worrying references to the Internet changing.

The Federal Communications Commission has agreed to move forward on a proposal that could change the way we use the Internet.

At risk, the basic principle of net neutrality. Net neutrality. Net neutrality.

Yes, "net neutrality". The only two words that promise more boredom in the English language are "featuring Sting."

Hearing people talk about it is somehow even worse.

As anticipated, the notice proposes to ground the net neutrality rules in section 706 of the telecommunications act of 1996.

Oh my god! That is the most boring thing I've ever seen. That is even boring by C-SPAN standards.

I would rather read a book by Thomas Friedman than sit through that hearing.

I would rather listen to a pair of dockers tell me about the weird dream it had.

I would rather sit down with my niece and watch Caillou, a children's show about a bald Canadian child who lives a live devoid of any incident.

Fuck you, Caillou! Grow some hair and leave the house. Find out what the world is about, come on.

But here is the thing. Net neutrality is actually hugely important. Essentially it means that all data has to be treated equally, no matter who created it.

It is why the Internet is a weirdly leveled playfield, and start-ups can supplant established brands.

That was how Facebook supplanted MySpace, which supplanted Friendster, which supplanted actually having any friends.

Do you remember physically having friends? It was awful. You couldn't tap people's faces to make them go away.

The point is, the Internet in its current form is not broken. And the FCC is currently taking steps to fix that.

The FCC is endorsing new rules that could clear the way for a two-tier system.

The rules will open the door for the first time for Internet providers like Comcast and Verizon to charge

tech companies to send content to consumers more quickly. Netflix, for example, may pay a premium to ensure

that its customers can stream movies more reliably, at a cost a start-up competitor may not be able to afford.

No. This cannot happen. How else is my start-up streaming video service Nutflix going to compete?

It's going to be America's one-stop-resource for videos of men getting hit in the nuts.

You don't even know you want it yet, that's why it is brilliant.

Ending net neutrality will allow companies to buy their way into the fast lane, leaving everyone else in the slow lane.

Although, telecom companies will prefer that you put it in a slightly different way.

When you say fast lane and slow lane, it's a good illustration.

But what you really should be taking about is a fast lane for everybody, and a hyper-speed lane for others.

Bullshit! If we let cable companies offer two speeds of service, there won't be Usain Bolt and Usain Bolt on a motorbike,

there'll be Usain Bolt and Usain bolt-ed to an anchor.

And telecom companies will say they will never slow down a website speed in order to get more money out of them,

but let me tell you story. Recently Comcast was negotiating with Netflix. This graph shows Netflix download speed on various providers.

That black line plummeting downwards was their speed on Comcast during the negotiation.

See if you can guess when Netflix agreed to Comcast demands. I'll give you a hint: it is right there.

That has all the ingredients of a mob shakedown: "Netflix, that show about life in a ladies' prison,

such a shame if there was going to be something happening to your connection there. So frustrating that would be."

And it's not just anti-corporate hippies who think abandoning net neutrality is a bad idea.

The net neutrality movement is leery of big corporate players, but in this debate is on the same side as some of them.

Google, Facebook, Netflix, Amazon, all signed on to this letter supporting net neutrality.

What's being proposed is so egregious activists and corporations have been forced onto the same side.

That's basically Lex Lutor knocking on Superman's apartment door: I know we had our differences,

but we have to get rid of that asshole in apartment 3-B. He is too loud, Sup, he is just too loud!

And you may wonder: look, if everyone is against it, how is it even possibly happening.

Well, consider who will benefit from this change: cable companies. Verizon wants a two-tier system so badly,

they sued the government to force the rule change that is currently being discussed.

These companies have Washington in their pocket, to a conveniently, almost unbelievable degree.

Comcast has spent 18,810,000 dollars in lobbying last year. That is more than any other company, except for defence contractor Northrop Grumman.

So just to be clear. The ranking of who buys government influence is: #1, military-industrial complex, and #2, the provider of Lizard Lick Towing.

Look: I can show you the troublingly cozy relationship between cable companies and Washington in any number of ways.

I can show you the president golfing with the CEO of Comcast. Or saying at a fundraiser at a cable executive house that

he's been there so many times that "The only think I haven't done in this house is have Seder dinner."

But perhaps the most succint way is this:

The president has picked Tom Wheeler, a former top-lobbiest for cable and wireless companies, to be the next chair of the Federal Communications Commission.

Yes, the guy who used to run the cable industry's lobbying arm, is now running the agency tasked with regulating it.

That is the equivalent of needing a babysitter and hiring a dingo.

"Thanks for stopping over. Make sure they're in bed by eight. There are 20 bucks on the table for kibble. Please don't eat my baby."

With the fact that they are practically overseeing their own oversight, it is hardly a surprise that the cable companies are basically monopolies now.

A federal study found that 96% of the population has access to two or fewer cable broadband providers.

It is almost as if they would agree to stay out of each other's way like drug cartels. But hold on, that's not fair.

If hypothetically, a cable company like Comcast was planning to merge with a company like, let's say Time Warner,

it's not like their CEO is going to sit down and mark who out who has which turf, right?

Both in video and in broadband, we don't compete with Time Warner. You have to start with that very fundamental point.

They are in New York, we are in Philadelphia. They are in Los Angeles, we are in San Francisco.

You can't buy a Comcast in New York, you can't buy a Time Warner in Philadelphia, so there is no reduction in competition.

Exactly. You can't reduce competition when nobody is competing. You could not be describing a monopoly more clearly,

if you were using a metal top hat while driving a metal car of the "winning second prize in a beauty contest."

Maybe it's because of their lack of competition that they get away with providing such shitty service.

We pay more for our Internet service that almost everybody else on earth, and yet, the download speeds we get,

lack behind Estonia, a country were from the look of it, they still worry about Shrek attacks.

Is it any wonder that in a massive recent customer satisfaction survey, Comcast and Time Warner cable came in dead last.

And when you look at the companies that were scored better than them, people were basically saying:

Yes, Bank of America took my home. Yes, Taco Bell gave me diarrhea. And sure, GM tried to kill me.

But Time Warner and Comcast are the worse. They are the worse.

I know that Cable companies will say, they support net neutrality protections.

Or they remain committed to the open Internet, or "just the tip."

But, let me remind you they also said they'll be at your house between 2 and 6 tomorrow afternoon,

and does any part of you who really expect them to fucking turn up.

And yet, our government look set to end net neutrality and letting these companies run hog wild.

And we are just gonna let me, and you know why, it all comes back to this.

It seeks comment on ways to construe additional language on section 706 and even suggests using section 230-B to broaden the scope of the commission you serve's authority.

Oh my god, how are you still so dull.

And that's the problem: the cable companies have figured out the great truth of America.

If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring.

Apple could put the entire text of Mein Kampf inside iTunes' user agreement. And you would just go: agree, agree.

And that's why advocates should not be talking about protecting net neutrality.

They shouldn't even use that phrase. They should call it: preventing cable company fuckery.

Because that is what it is, and it might actually compel people to want to do something.

And the interesting thing here is, there may actually be something you can still do.

The FCC will be taking public comment for 120 days.

That's right, the FCC are actually inviting Internet comment at this address. And at this point, and I can't believe I'm about to do this,

I would like to address Internet commenters out there directly.

Good evening, monsters. This may be the moment you spent your whole life training for.

You've been out there ferociously commenting on dance videos of adorable 3-years old, saying things like:

"every child could dance like this little loser after 1 week of practice."

Or you've been poluting Frozen's "Let it go", with comments like "ice castle would give her hypothermia and she dead in an hour"

Or, and I know you've been in this one, commenting on videos of this show, saying:

"Fuck this asshole anchor, go such ur presidents dick ur just friends with the terrorists."

Now, I don't know what any of this means. But I don't think it is compliment.

But this is the moment you were made for, commenters. Like Ralph Macchio, you've been honing your skills,

waxing cars, and painting fences. Well guess what, now it is time to do some fucking karate.

For once in your life, we need you to channel that anger, that badly spelled bio,

that you normally reserve for unforgivable attacks on actresses you seem to think have putted on weight,

or politicians you disagree with it, or photos of your ex-girlfriend getting on with her life, or non-white actors casted as fictional characters.

And I'm talking to you RonPaulFan2016, and you, OneDirectionForever, and I'm talking to you OneDirectionSucksBalls,

we need you to get out there, and for once in your life, focus your indiscriminate rage in a useful direction.

Seize your moment, my lovely childs, turn on CAPS LOCK,

AND FLY MY PRETTIES. FLY, FLY, FLY!