ERB - Adam vs Eve

Epic Rap Battles of History

this battle's gonna end

like every argument does

with you kissing my ass

and begging me for a rub

I made a map mother fucker

and I'm reading it too

gives me specific directions

how to fuck with you

I know that you like to think

you're so macho

but you smell like

ball sacs and nachos

I work

while you and your boyfriend Steve

drink and play sports

in a fantasy league

you're as sharp as a stick

that I rub on my lips

so go ahead take a shot

I'm sure that you'll miss

like the laundry

the toilet

the grocery list

if you'd stop fucking up

I wouldn't have to get pissed

my life was fine til you had to

come along and wreck it

could you please just shut your face

for ten seconds?

you cry about everything

but can't decide what you want

I'm hungry

I'm fat

I'm cold

I'm hot

you call it complex

but yo I'd call you a mess

you take two hours to cum

three more to get dressed

you got a lotion for this

you got a cream for that

got any perfume that smells like

get the fuck off my back?

when things are good they're great

and it's like I'm dreamin'

until your junk starts bleeding

and you turn to a demon

it ain't Summer Eve

don't try to play me like a douche

you wanna bite on my fruit

well you can swallow the truth

don't even bring up swallow

the first man on Earth

ain't a tough act to follow

one pump chump

and you're hung like a weasel

ditch the fig leaf

get yourself a pine needle

you want alone time?

have it

in fact

suck your own dick

and shave your own back

that apple's the best thing

I bit so far

now I see

how much of a dick you are

I wasn't listening

are you still flapping those lips?

I was just thinking

yo did I give up a rib for this

woman I just don't know

what your problem is

all I know is you're acting

like a colossal bitch

I'm sorry

I'm sorry too

alright...

don't even think about it

okay, that's fine, we could eat

who won?

who's next?

you decide