Our bodies are not an image | Mary Jelkovsky | TEDxCherryCreekWomen

In a society surrounded by pictures, videos, and social media, body-image concerns continue to be on the rise. 96% percent of women report wanting to change their body in some way which shows that this is not an individual problem of low self-esteem, but rather a collective disconnect with how we see our body-image. Girls and women especially are bombarded with images of so-called “perfect bodies” that are often unattainable without going to extreme methods of weight control. Failure to achieve this “perfect body” can cause decreased self-esteem, feelings of unworthiness, or even an eating disorder. Although many people have spoken up about the importance of positive body-image and body positivity, Mary Jelkovsky explains how this approach can be a double-edged sword. Instead, she offers an unconventional approach for healing body-image struggles, building self-confidence, and cultivating unconditional self-love. Mary Jelkovsky (known as @maryscupofteaa on social media) is a former bikini fitness model turned self-love advocate and women’s retreat host.

After recovering from an eating disorder of 8 years and healing her body, mind, and spirit, she started her online platform Mary’s Cup of Tea, to inspire women to be more confident in their bodies and love themselves unconditionally. Mary’s story has been featured in publications like Teen Vogue, Women's Health, and Self Magazine because unfortunately, so many women know what it’s like to hate their bodies. Mary is committed to changing this trend by empowering women of all shapes and sizes through her social media, online programs and worldwide self-love retreats.

Mary's biggest inspiration is her spunky, 11-year-old sister Ilana who knows how to dance like no one's watching and love with her whole heart. Mary wants Ilana to grow up in a world where women are empowered to chase their dreams without being bogged down by beauty standards.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

Four years ago, a cup of mocha
changed my life.

Let me take you back
to when I was just 17 years old.

I had just won a trophy
at a major bikini fitness competition,

one of the largest in the country.

This was me.

I prepared for this competition
for six months;

I worked out every single day;

I dieted hardcore;

and I thought that revolving
my life around fitness

would help fix my
poor-body image struggles,

but it only made things worse.

While everybody was telling me
how great I looked,

how fit I was,

how dedicated I was,

my mental health was just falling apart,

and I was obsessed with anything
that went in my mouth

that was not on my diet,

even if it was just a handful of almonds.

What nobody knew

was that behind this perfect bikini body

was a broken girl

that was completely obsessed
with her weight.

Have you ever been in this position?

Have you ever been obsessed
with your weight

or how your body looks in general?

Unfortunately, too many of us
struggle with not liking how we look.

Some of us go to extremes, like I did,

and some of us want
to change a few things:

a little tighter here,
a little smoother there,

a lot thinner everywhere,

but not too thin of course because curves,

curves are in, ladies and gentlemen,

but only here and here,
but nowhere in between.

(Laughter)

So, flash forward to a few months
after this bikini competition,

I get a mid afternoon text from my mom:

"Want to meet for coffee at 12?" she asks.

"Sure, I'll be there soon", I replied.

And as I'm driving to go meet her,

I get another text from her;

it says: "Sitting outside.
I got you a mocha."

A mocha? A mocha! How could she?

The calories, the sugars, the dairy!

Didn't she know that I was on a diet?!

I'm driving, I'm so angry,
and as I pull up to the café,

my mom, who's sitting outside,
she sees my crying,

runs over to my car door,
tries to open it,

but I wouldn't let her in.

"No mom, I just can't believe
you'd get me a freaking mocha,"

I screamed as I closed the door
and drove away,

feeling instantly ashamed
at how I just lashed out on her.

As I'm driving,

I'm having one of those
ugly cry moments,

you know, it's like what Oprah refers to,

when you're crying so hard
you can't breath,

you got snot coming out of your nose.

It's not pretty like the movies!
It's really ugly.

That was me in that moment.

And at this rock bottom,
I get another text from my mom.

It says this - that's the real text -

[I just want you to know
that I love you very much..

I am here for you anytime you need me]

As I read the words
on the screen, I paused.

I finally stopped crying.

I took a deep breath,

so relieved that she had
already forgiven me.

And I let myself feel her love,

because my mom loved me
when I couldn't love myself.

In this moment, I also realized
that my body image struggles

robbed me of so many
of life's beautiful experiences.

I mean, what should've been
a lovely coffee date

with one of my favorite people

turned in to an absolute disaster

because of my fears about food.

My body image took away
from so much of me,

and I missed out on so much of my life

because I was too busy hating myself.

Have you ever felt like
you missed out on your life?

Maybe you didn't go to the pool party

because you don't want
to get in a swimsuit.

Or if you did go, you didn't take
your clothes off to go in the water,

because you don't want people to see you.

Or you spent the party
obsessing over the calories in the cookie

instead of spending it connecting
with your friends and loved ones.

I've been there one too many times.

I mean, I missed out on the little things,

like baking cookies
with my little sister -

she's in the audience right now.

And I missed out on the big things,
like my graduation parties,

where I was too scared of the calories
in the cookies, so I didn't go.

And also my grandfather's
70th birthday party,

where my grandma had cooked
all of this delicious food,

and I refused to have a single bite
because I was on a diet.

And we usually use this term "body image"
quite a bit, but what does it mean?

We usually use "body image" to describe
how we feel about ourselves,

particularly our bodies,

and because of rising concerns
and negative body image struggles,

a lot of people have tried to help
girls and women especially

feel more positively
about their body image.

This idea of body positivity
has become really popular lately.

"Let's all feel really good
about our bodies and how we look" -

which is great;

it's definitely a step forward -

but what if all this hyper-focus
on our body's image,

whether it's positive or negative,

is actually what's causing
all the insecurities, discomforts

and lack of confidence
in our bodies in the first place?

I mean, we already live
in such an image driven society.

Somebody even called
our generation "The selfie culture."

So, not only do we see our own image
reflected back to us in the mirror

when we are getting ready in the morning,

but we also see our image in a selfie -

if you happen to be into that -

but if not, you also see
everybody else's selfie,

and usually it's their perfect,
picture-perfect selfie,

on social media every single day.

I mean, It's no wonder that 96% of women

report feeling unhappy with their bodies
or wanting to change something.

96%!

96% of us struggle with body image.

But our bodies,
our bodies are not an image.

They're an experience,
and they're a beautiful experience.

So we cannot keep letting our body image
ruin our life experience.

That afternoon, after getting
that loving text from my mom,

I realized the true cause
of my obsession with my body image:

missing out on my life.

And I also made a decision
to change my life.

I made a decision to not only heal
my own body image struggles

by actually not focusing on my image
and instead just living my life,

and I also made a commitment

to help any women who's ever hated herself
shift her focus and change her life.

Actually, I have an exercise for you

that is a simple three-step process

that's scientifically proven
to help you do just that:

shift your focus and get out
of those negative thought patterns

anytime you're feeling
not good about yourself.

So the first step.

First, you're going to pause -

just like I did when I got this text -

pause and face what you're feeling.

I mean, it's so easy
to deflect and push away

and try to avoid the situation.

How many of us stay busy
just to avoid what we're feeling?

So guilty.

(Laughter)

But the difficult thing to do is to pause.

Next, breathe -

and this part is really important -

as you breathe,

focus you energy and attention
to the area around your heart.

This is going to help
shift your focus from your mind,

from those negative thought patterns,

to your heart,

towards unconditional love for yourself.

So as you breathe, just picture sending
all that energy to your heart space.

And lastly, let yourself feel the love.

And notice how I said "let yourself"

because a lot of us, we say,
"Just love yourself!"

But that's a lot easier said than done.

You first have to give yourself permission
to feel your own love.

And give yourself some compassion.

Think of at least one thing

that you can appreciate or you love
about your body or yourself in general.

Talk to yourself as if you're
your own mom or best friend.

Pause, breathe,
and let yourself feel the love.

Actually, let's all do this together.

Not to put you on the spot or anything,

but wherever you're at,
just straighten up a little bit.

(Inhales deeply)

And now pause right here with me.

Take this moment for yourself.

Now, take a deep breath

(Inhales deeply)

and as you breathe,

(Exhales)

picture sending all that loving energy
to this area around your heart.

And now let yourself feel the love,

and think of one thing that you
can appreciate about yourself right now.

How did that feel?

So the next time you don't feel
so good about yourself -

maybe you don't like
how you look that day,

or your hair is not cooperating with you,

or you're just struggling
with self-worth in general -

remember to pause, breathe
and let yourself feel the love.

Because in doing so,

you will turn those lowest moments
into your greatest strength.

In fact, I was actually preparing
for this exact talk,

at that same café,

while happily sipping my mocha.

(Applause)