The lies we tell pregnant women | Sofia Jawed-Wessel | TEDxOmaha
-
0:09 - 0:12I started kindergarten
already being able to read -- -
0:13 - 0:16a skill a classmate
would quickly take advantage of. -
0:17 - 0:19He whispered to me in the library one day:
-
0:19 - 0:21"Hey, Sophia!
-
0:21 - 0:23Can you look up the word 'sex'?
-
0:23 - 0:25I want to see what it says
in the dictionary." -
0:25 - 0:26(Laughter)
-
0:26 - 0:28I had never heard of this word,
-
0:28 - 0:30so of course, I was curious.
-
0:30 - 0:31"Yeah, OK."
-
0:32 - 0:35My fingers slowly trailed down the page,
-
0:35 - 0:40eagerly searching for the letters s-e-x.
-
0:41 - 0:43But before I could land
on the desired word, -
0:43 - 0:46I felt a firm tap on my shoulder,
-
0:46 - 0:48and a stern gaze hovered over me.
-
0:50 - 0:52Sat in the principal's office,
-
0:52 - 0:54terrified, yet unsure of my crime.
-
0:55 - 0:58He leaned in close and said, gently ...
-
0:59 - 1:02"Now, Sophia, why would
a little girl like yourself -
1:02 - 1:04be concerned with a word like that?
-
1:05 - 1:08I don't think your parents
would be too happy to hear of it. -
1:08 - 1:10But since this is your first time in here,
-
1:10 - 1:12I don't think they need to be told."
-
1:13 - 1:15In that simple moment,
-
1:15 - 1:18he created the first secret
I would ever keep from my parents ... -
1:18 - 1:20(Laughter)
-
1:20 - 1:26and a lifelong curiosity
about this shameful word spelled s-e-x. -
1:27 - 1:30We're going to share
a lot of secrets today, you and I, -
1:30 - 1:32and in doing so, I hope that we can lift
-
1:32 - 1:35some of the shame
many of us feel about sex. -
1:37 - 1:40How many here have ever been
catcalled by a stranger? -
1:42 - 1:43Lots of women.
-
1:44 - 1:47For me, the time I remember best
-
1:47 - 1:50is when that stranger
was a student of mine. -
1:51 - 1:54He came up to me after class that night
-
1:54 - 1:57and his words confirmed
what I already knew: -
1:57 - 1:59"I am so sorry, professor.
-
1:59 - 2:03If I had known it was you,
I would never have said those things." -
2:03 - 2:05(Laughter)
-
2:05 - 2:09I wasn't a person to him
until I was his professor. -
2:10 - 2:13This concept, called objectification,
-
2:13 - 2:15is the foundation of sexism,
-
2:15 - 2:18and we see it reinforced
through every aspect of our lives. -
2:21 - 2:24We see it in the government
-
2:24 - 2:29that refuses to punish men
for raping women. -
2:29 - 2:31We see it in advertisements.
-
2:31 - 2:33How many of you have seen an advertisement
-
2:33 - 2:38that uses a woman's breast
to sell an entirely unrelated product? -
2:40 - 2:44Or movie after movie after movie
-
2:44 - 2:47that portrays women
as only love interests? -
2:48 - 2:52These examples might seem
inconsequential and harmless, -
2:52 - 2:53but they're insidious,
-
2:53 - 2:57slowly building into a culture
that refuses to see women as people. -
2:58 - 3:02We see this in the school
that sends home a 10-year-old girl -
3:02 - 3:06because her clothes were
a distraction to boys trying to learn, -
3:06 - 3:11or the government that refuses
to punish men for raping women -
3:11 - 3:12over and over,
-
3:12 - 3:14or the woman who is killed
-
3:14 - 3:18because she asked a man to stop
grinding on her on the dance floor. -
3:21 - 3:26Media plays a large role in perpetuating
the objectification of women. -
3:27 - 3:30Let's consider
the classic romantic comedy. -
3:30 - 3:34We're typically introduced
to two kinds of women in these movies, -
3:34 - 3:37two kinds of desirable women, anyway.
-
3:37 - 3:39The first is the sexy bombshell.
-
3:39 - 3:43This is the unbelievably gorgeous woman
with the perfect body. -
3:43 - 3:45Our leading man
has no trouble identifying her -
3:45 - 3:48and even less trouble having sex with her.
-
3:48 - 3:50The second is our leading lady,
-
3:50 - 3:54the beautiful but demure woman
our leading man falls in love with -
3:54 - 3:56despite not noticing her at first
-
3:56 - 3:59or not liking her if he did.
-
4:00 - 4:02The first is the slut.
-
4:02 - 4:04She is to be consumed and forgotten.
-
4:04 - 4:05She is much too available.
-
4:05 - 4:09The second is desirable but modest,
-
4:09 - 4:13and therefore worthy
of our leading man's future babies. -
4:13 - 4:14Marriage material.
-
4:14 - 4:17We're actually told
that women have two roles, -
4:17 - 4:22but these two roles have a difficult time
existing within the same woman. -
4:22 - 4:26On the rare occasion
that I share with a new acquaintance -
4:26 - 4:28that I study sex,
-
4:28 - 4:30if they don't end
the conversation right then, -
4:30 - 4:32they're usually pretty intrigued.
-
4:33 - 4:35"Oh. Tell me more."
-
4:35 - 4:36So I do.
-
4:38 - 4:41"I'm really interested
in studying the sexual behaviors -
4:41 - 4:42of pregnant and postpartum couples."
-
4:42 - 4:46At this point I get
a different kind of response. -
4:46 - 4:48(Laughter)
-
4:48 - 4:50"Oh. Huh.
-
4:50 - 4:53Do pregnant people even have sex?
-
4:54 - 4:58Have you thought
about studying sexual desire -
4:58 - 4:59or orgasms?
-
4:59 - 5:02That would be interesting, and sexy."
-
5:04 - 5:06Tell me. What are the first words
that come to mind -
5:06 - 5:08when you picture a pregnant woman?
-
5:09 - 5:12I asked this question
in a survey of over 500 adults, -
5:12 - 5:16and most responded with "belly" or "round"
-
5:16 - 5:18and "cute."
-
5:19 - 5:20This didn't surprise me too much.
-
5:20 - 5:22What else do we label as cute?
-
5:24 - 5:26Babies. Puppies. Kittens.
-
5:26 - 5:28The elderly. Right?
-
5:28 - 5:29(Laughter)
-
5:31 - 5:33When we label an adult as cute, though,
-
5:33 - 5:36we take away a lot of their intelligence,
-
5:36 - 5:37their complexity.
-
5:38 - 5:40We reduce them to childlike qualities.
-
5:41 - 5:43I also asked heterosexual men
-
5:43 - 5:46to imagine a woman
that they're partnered with is pregnant, -
5:46 - 5:49and then asked women
to imagine that they are pregnant, -
5:49 - 5:52and then tell me
the first words that come to mind -
5:52 - 5:54when they imagine having sex.
-
5:55 - 5:57Most of the responses were negative.
-
5:58 - 5:59"Gross."
-
5:59 - 6:01"Awkward."
-
6:01 - 6:03"Not sexy." "Odd."
-
6:03 - 6:04"Uncomfortable."
-
6:05 - 6:06"How?"
-
6:06 - 6:08(Laughter)
-
6:09 - 6:12"Not worth the trouble."
"Not worth the risk." -
6:12 - 6:14That last one really stuck with me.
-
6:15 - 6:20We might think that because we divorce
pregnant women and moms from sexuality, -
6:20 - 6:25we are removing the constraints
of sexual objectification. -
6:25 - 6:27They experience less sexism. Right?
-
6:28 - 6:30Not exactly.
-
6:30 - 6:33What happens instead
is a different kind of objectification. -
6:33 - 6:36In my efforts to explain this to others,
-
6:36 - 6:40one conversation
led to the Venus of Willendorf, -
6:40 - 6:44a Paleolithic figurine scholars assumed
was a goddess of love and beauty, -
6:44 - 6:46hence the name Venus.
-
6:46 - 6:48This theory was later revised, though,
-
6:48 - 6:52when scholars noted
the sculptor's obvious focus -
6:52 - 6:56on the figurine's reproductive features:
-
6:56 - 6:59large breasts,
considered ideal for nursing; -
6:59 - 7:01a round, possibly pregnant belly;
-
7:01 - 7:05the remnants of red dye,
alluding to menstruation or birth. -
7:06 - 7:10They also assumed that she was
meant to be held or placed lying down -
7:10 - 7:14because her tiny feet
don't allow her to be freestanding. -
7:14 - 7:16She also had no face.
-
7:16 - 7:21For this reason, it was assumed
that she was a representation of fertility -
7:21 - 7:23and not a portrait of a person.
-
7:23 - 7:25She was an object.
-
7:25 - 7:27In the history of her interpretation,
-
7:27 - 7:30she went from object
of ideal beauty and love -
7:30 - 7:32to object of reproduction.
-
7:33 - 7:36I think this transition speaks more
-
7:36 - 7:39about the scholars
who have interpreted her purpose -
7:39 - 7:43than the actual purpose
of the figurine herself. -
7:44 - 7:46When a woman becomes pregnant,
-
7:46 - 7:50she leaves the realm
of men's sexual desire -
7:50 - 7:55and slides into her reproductive
and child-rearing role. -
7:55 - 7:59In doing so, she also becomes
the property of the community, -
7:59 - 8:03considered very important,
but only because she's pregnant. Right? -
8:04 - 8:07I've taken to calling this
the Willendorf effect, -
8:07 - 8:10and once again we see it reinforced
in many aspects of her life. -
8:11 - 8:13Has anyone here
ever been visibly pregnant? -
8:13 - 8:15(Laughter)
-
8:15 - 8:16Yeah. Lots of you, right?
-
8:16 - 8:20So how many of you ever had a stranger
touch your belly during pregnancy, -
8:20 - 8:23maybe without even asking
your permission first? -
8:23 - 8:26Or told what you can and cannot eat
-
8:26 - 8:30by somebody who is not your doctor,
your medical care provider? -
8:30 - 8:33Or asked private questions
about your birth plan? -
8:34 - 8:37And then told why
those choices are all wrong? -
8:37 - 8:38Yeah, me too.
-
8:38 - 8:43Or had a server refuse
to bring you a glass of wine? -
8:43 - 8:46This one might give you pause,
I know, but stay with me. -
8:46 - 8:48This is a huge secret.
-
8:48 - 8:52It is actually safe to drink
in moderation during pregnancy. -
8:52 - 8:54Many of us don't know this
-
8:54 - 8:58because doctors don't trust
pregnant women with this secret -- -
8:58 - 8:59(Laughter)
-
9:03 - 9:07especially if she's less educated
or a woman of color. -
9:07 - 9:09What this tells us is,
-
9:09 - 9:13this Willendorf effect,
it's also classist and racist. -
9:13 - 9:19It's present when
the government reminds women -
9:19 - 9:22with every new anti-choice bill
-
9:22 - 9:25that the contents of her uterus
are not her own, -
9:25 - 9:27or when an ob-gyn says,
-
9:27 - 9:29"While it's safe
to have sex during pregnancy, -
9:29 - 9:31sometimes you never know.
-
9:31 - 9:32Better safe than sorry, right?"
-
9:33 - 9:37She's denied basic privacy
and bodily autonomy -
9:37 - 9:39under the guise of "be a good mother."
-
9:40 - 9:42We don't trust her
to make her own decisions. -
9:43 - 9:44She's cute, remember?
-
9:47 - 9:53When we tell women
that sexual pleasure -- excuse me. -
9:53 - 9:58When we tell women that sex
isn't worth the risk during pregnancy, -
9:58 - 10:02what we're telling her is that
her sexual pleasure doesn't matter. -
10:02 - 10:05So what we are telling her
is that she in fact doesn't matter, -
10:05 - 10:10even though the needs of her fetus
are not at odds with her own needs. -
10:11 - 10:13So medical providers,
-
10:13 - 10:16such as the American College
of Obstetricians and Gynecologists -
10:16 - 10:21have the opportunity to educate
about the safety of sex during pregnancy. -
10:21 - 10:22So what do the experts say?
-
10:23 - 10:26ACOG actually has
no public official statement -
10:26 - 10:29about the safety of sex during pregnancy.
-
10:30 - 10:33Guidance from the Mayo Clinic
is generally positive -
10:33 - 10:35but presented with a caveat:
-
10:35 - 10:38"Although most women can safely
have sex throughout pregnancy, -
10:39 - 10:41sometimes it's best to be cautious."
-
10:41 - 10:44Some women don't want
to have sex during pregnancy, -
10:44 - 10:45and that's OK.
-
10:45 - 10:48Some women do want
to have sex during pregnancy, -
10:48 - 10:49and that's OK, too.
-
10:49 - 10:52What needs to stop
is society telling women -
10:52 - 10:54what they can and cannot do
with their bodies. -
10:55 - 10:57(Applause)
-
11:02 - 11:06Pregnant women are not faceless,
identity-less vessels of reproduction -
11:06 - 11:09who can't stand on their own two feet.
-
11:10 - 11:12But the truth is, the real secret is,
-
11:12 - 11:17we tell all women that
their sexual pleasure doesn't matter. -
11:17 - 11:20We refuse to even acknowledge
that women who have sex with women -
11:20 - 11:22or women who don't
want children even exist. -
11:23 - 11:24"Oh, it's just a phase ...
-
11:24 - 11:27she just needs the right man
to come along." -
11:28 - 11:32Every time a women has sex
simply because it feels good, -
11:32 - 11:34it is revolutionary.
-
11:34 - 11:36She is revolutionary.
-
11:36 - 11:39She is pushing back
against society's insistence -
11:39 - 11:41that she exist simply for men's pleasure
-
11:41 - 11:42or for reproduction.
-
11:44 - 11:48A woman who prioritizes
her sexual needs is scary, -
11:48 - 11:53because a woman who prioritizes
her sexual needs prioritizes herself. -
11:53 - 11:57(Applause)
-
11:57 - 12:02That is a woman demanding
that she be treated as an equal. -
12:02 - 12:03That is a woman who insists
-
12:03 - 12:06that you make room for her
at the table of power, -
12:06 - 12:08and that is the most terrifying of all
-
12:08 - 12:11because we can't make room for her
-
12:11 - 12:15without some of us giving up
the extra space we hold. -
12:17 - 12:19(Applause)
-
12:22 - 12:24I have one last secret for you.
-
12:25 - 12:27I am the mother of two boys
-
12:27 - 12:29and we could use your help.
-
12:29 - 12:34Even though my boys hear me say regularly
-
12:34 - 12:37that it's important for men
to recognize women as equals -
12:37 - 12:40and they see their father modeling this,
-
12:40 - 12:44we need what happens in the world
to reinforce what happens in our home. -
12:44 - 12:48This is not a men's problem
or a women's problem. -
12:48 - 12:49This is everyone's problem,
-
12:49 - 12:54and we all play a role
in dismantling systems of inequality. -
12:54 - 12:57For starters, we have got
to stop telling women -
12:57 - 12:59what they can and cannot do
with their bodies. -
12:59 - 13:02(Applause)
-
13:04 - 13:08This includes not treating pregnant women
like community property. -
13:08 - 13:12If you don't know her,
don't even ask to touch her belly. -
13:12 - 13:13You wouldn't anybody else.
-
13:13 - 13:15Don't tell her
what she can and cannot eat. -
13:15 - 13:18Don't ask her private details
about her medical decisions. -
13:18 - 13:20This also includes understanding
-
13:20 - 13:23that even if you are
personally against abortion, -
13:23 - 13:26you can still fight
for a woman's right to choose. -
13:26 - 13:30When it comes to women's equality,
the two need not oppose one another. -
13:31 - 13:33If you're somebody who has sex with women,
-
13:33 - 13:34prioritize her pleasure.
-
13:34 - 13:37If you don't know how, ask.
-
13:38 - 13:39If you have children --
-
13:39 - 13:41(Laughter)
-
13:41 - 13:45have conversations about sex
as early as possible, -
13:45 - 13:49because kids don't look up s-e-x
in the dictionary anymore. -
13:49 - 13:51They look it up on the internet.
-
13:52 - 13:55And when you're having
those conversations about sex, -
13:55 - 13:57don't center them on reproduction only.
-
13:57 - 13:59People have sex for many reasons,
-
13:59 - 14:01some because they want a baby,
-
14:01 - 14:04but most of us have sex
because it feels good. -
14:04 - 14:05Admit it.
-
14:06 - 14:09And regardless of whether
you have children or not, -
14:09 - 14:13support comprehensive sex education
that doesn't shame our teenagers. -
14:13 - 14:16(Applause)
-
14:22 - 14:24Nothing positive comes from shaming teens
-
14:24 - 14:27for their sexual desires, behaviors,
-
14:28 - 14:31other than positive STD
and pregnancy tests. -
14:32 - 14:35Every single day,
we are all given the opportunity -
14:35 - 14:38to disrupt patterns of inequality.
-
14:39 - 14:42I think we can all agree
that it's worth the trouble to do so. -
14:43 - 14:44Thank you.
-
14:44 - 14:51(Applause)
- Title:
- The lies we tell pregnant women | Sofia Jawed-Wessel | TEDxOmaha
- Description:
-
"When we tell women that sex isn't worth the risk during pregnancy, what we're telling her is that her sexual pleasure doesn't matter ... that she in fact doesn't matter," says sex researcher Sofia Jawed-Wessel. In this eye-opening talk, Jawed-Wessel mines our views about pregnancy and pleasure to lay bare the relationship between women, sex and systems of power.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 14:53
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for The lies we tell pregnant women | Sofia Jawed-Wessel | TEDxOmaha | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for The lies we tell pregnant women | Sofia Jawed-Wessel | TEDxOmaha | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for The lies we tell pregnant women | Sofia Jawed-Wessel | TEDxOmaha |