-
James just sent this one to me today.
-
And I almost deleted it.
-
But you know, as I went out,
-
I go over to Brackenridge to pray
-
and I couldn't get away from it,
-
so I thought you know what,
-
I'm going to visit it.
-
"I'm single.
-
In your video:
-
'Important to Walk in
Purity Before Marriage,'
-
you mention that in 1 Corinthians 7
-
that those who lack
self-control should marry.
-
What about Christians for whom
-
there are no prospects in sight?
-
Especially as a woman
-
waiting for someone to pursue you
-
is frustrating to the point of tears
-
and heartbreaking.
-
You say "get married"
-
like it's something we
can just get up and do."
-
Well, I don't want to
be insensitive to this,
-
but I do want to point out this:
-
"You say, 'get married,'
-
like it's something you
can just get up and do."
-
It's not me that says it.
-
Paul says it.
-
Let's look at it. 1 Corinthians 7.
-
1 Corinthians 7:8-9
-
"To the unmarried and the widows,
-
I say that it is good for them
-
to remain single as I am,
-
but if they cannot exercise self-control,
-
they should marry.
-
For it's better to marry
than to burn with passion."
-
This is typical.
-
It's typical that people say
-
to the preacher or teacher,
-
"you say,"
-
but what's important
-
is that we really listen
-
and we be Berean and ask ourselves this:
-
Does Scripture say it?
-
You see, Paul is the one saying here
-
get married.
-
But anyway, that's just a side note.
-
Let's keep going.
-
"You say, 'get married,'
like it's something
-
that we can just get up and do,
-
and it's rarely that simple.
-
Sometimes it seems married people
-
are flippant and insensitive
-
towards single people
-
telling them to just be content."
-
Which she realizes is not untrue.
-
"And I don't think that married people
-
remember how fierce
the battle is with purity
-
when they were single.
-
It's very frustrating.
-
You said yourself you longed to be married
-
but the Lord kept you single for 3 years
-
and that was not enjoyable.
-
You longed to be married.
-
Is there a practical side
to getting married?
-
Also, should churches
help singles get married
-
and if so, what can churches do?"
-
Now look, I am not being sarcastic
-
when I say some of the things
-
that I'm about to say.
-
This is not sarcasm.
-
What are the options?
-
I mean, let's seriously ask that question.
-
If you have a young lady or a young man,
-
they want to be married,
but they're single,
-
what are the options?
-
I just went riding
-
with three brothers from the church -
-
went on a bike ride before the Bible study
-
and I typically do that on Tuesday's.
-
And oftentimes, Craig asks me
-
what are the questions
you're dealing with tonight.
-
And I'll tell him.
-
And I told the guys - I told he and Carlos
-
that I wanted to deal with this question.
-
And I said I've got like 12 options.
-
And I said the first option is:
-
you can go to a bar, you can get drunk,
-
you can go home with a guy.
-
And I told the guys
I'm not being sarcastic,
-
and Carlos goes,
-
"No. There's a lot of people
who choose that."
-
That's absolutely true.
-
That's not sarcasm.
-
(incomplete thought)
-
Look, what I want to do right now
-
is give options.
-
And I'm not necessarily going to tell you
-
whether these options are right or wrong.
-
I'm just going to tell you
-
what are the options.
-
What are the options if you find yourself
-
in a single state
-
and you're struggling with being there?
-
I'm not saying that some of these options
-
are options to choose or not choose.
-
Some of them may be marginal.
-
Some of you may think
-
well, yeah, you could do that;
-
or some of you may think,
-
well, that's inappropriate.
-
I'm not really here to be your conscience.
-
I know some things are wrong.
-
They're obviously wrong.
-
Some things are obviously right.
-
Some things are in the grey matter.
-
Some of you may have certain thoughts
-
and some may have others.
-
But what are the options?
-
You find yourself sexually frustrated
-
and/or intently lonely,
-
and you don't like being single.
-
So what do you do?
-
(unintelligible)
-
Well, like I say,
-
I'm not being sarcastic here,
-
but one option is sin.
-
I mean one option is:
-
I'm out of here. I'm going
to go live with my boyfriend.
-
And people choose that
option all the time.
-
I'm going to go to the bar.
-
I'm going to get drunk.
-
I don't know any other way to find a guy.
-
That's the way it happened in the world
-
and now I'm trying to be a Christian
-
and I've had it.
-
I'm frustrated
-
and following Christ is too hard.
-
Or you just make Christ out:
-
Well, He'll forgive me,
-
and so I'm going to go do this.
-
That's an option.
-
Another option.
-
You can get online and you can say
-
I'm going to match.com and eharmony.
-
And I don't know, Christian Mingle?
-
James: Sovereign Singles.
-
Tim: Sovereign Grace Singles.
-
People do that.
-
I know Christians that have done that.
-
We know a sister that was
in our church that got married
-
through seeking on some
kind of Christian (website).
-
You can do that.
-
R.C. Sproul's son, different people.
-
What was that one?
-
(incomplete thought)
-
They had a data breach.
-
James: Oh, he was on an adultery website.
-
Tim: Yeah, there's adultery websites.
-
There's all sorts of
options on the Internet
-
to try to find people.
-
You can parade yourself.
-
You can kind of create fictitious you.
-
You can put your best picture.
-
And you can say all the things,
-
have the light just right,
-
make it all look good,
-
and have nice background.
-
You know, you can really stage yourself
-
and portray yourself exactly
how you want there.
-
And lots of people do that.
-
What are other options?
-
(incomplete thought)
-
This is a young lady.
-
We heard not too long ago:
-
well, didn't Ruth initiate?
-
Didn't she go pursue Boaz? She did.
-
So it was suggested that
if you're a young lady
-
and you're frustrated -
-
you're frustrated waiting on the guys,
-
you could take the initiative.
-
And there are girls who do that -
-
lost and saved.
-
There are girls who do that.
-
Right or wrong?
-
Well, some would say Ruth
-
seems to indicate that maybe
-
it's not wrong all the time.
-
What else? What's another option?
-
You can strive to make
yourself more attractive.
-
That's an option.
-
And maybe there's some validity.
-
You say, how?
-
Now listen to what I'm saying,
-
making yourself more attractive -
-
sometimes a carnal flavor
-
tends to come out of that,
-
but I'll tell you if there's a godly guy
-
looking for a woman to marry,
-
the things that will
make her attractive to him
-
are the things that a girl
who wants to find a guy like that
-
should be making themselves attractive in.
-
What can you do?
-
Let's just talk about
the physical side of it.
-
You know what? If you're overweight,
-
is that going to have any impact
-
on your ability to get married?
-
Perhaps.
-
And it not only speaks
perhaps of physical things,
-
but it speaks of very
likely spiritual things.
-
Maybe like a lack of self-control.
-
Making yourself attractive...
-
do you want to just
let yourself fall apart?
-
Like you're undisciplined?
-
That's not good.
-
Dressing -
-
I'm not saying somebody
should dress worldly,
-
but can somebody dress in a way
-
that might be more attractive?
-
(Incomplete thought)
-
Sometimes people talk
about dressing smartly or nice.
-
Not necessarily worldly,
-
but looking shabby.
-
Making yourself attractive.
-
You know what?
-
Sometimes there are women
-
who are very unattractive
-
because they're loud, they're proud,
-
they're boastful, they're arrogant.
-
Now, sometimes there are women
-
who are too quiet -
-
on the opposite end.
-
They never talk to a guy.
-
They shy away.
-
Maybe you can put yourself in a position
-
where you're actually rubbing shoulders
-
with those of the opposite sex.
-
Let's hold the questions till the end.
-
Maybe just letting there be
something mysterious about you.
-
I mean, I've known some young ladies
-
that are telling a guy like the second
time they meet or something
-
they love them and there's
nothing very mysterious.
-
There's not much of a challenge.
-
I'm just saying, these are things
-
that you can do.
-
A young lady can put herself
-
where young men are.
-
And again, I'm not telling you
-
whether these things are right or wrong.
-
I'm telling you these are options
-
that people have at their disposal.
-
You can seek to stir up some interest.
-
Here's something not to do:
-
Here's an option that probably is wise.
-
We were at the Pearl on Sunday night
-
and Mack was speaking
to a good crowd of us
-
and somebody asked him
-
about his marriage.
-
And he was actually talking about it
-
and being very transparent
-
about some of his struggles
-
and his communication issues
-
that he's had to overcome,
-
and he told us a story
-
about this last New Year's,
-
and said it was 9:55
-
and his wife asked him to stay up
-
for the New Year,
-
and he said I go to bed at 10,
-
and he said my eyes were hanging low,
-
and she put on a Hallmark movie.
-
And he said it was 13 degrees outside
-
and he went outside and stood out there
-
until he was wide awake.
-
And he came in and he watched two or three
-
Hallmark movies with his wife.
-
Missed the New Year
-
because they were all into the movie.
-
He said it was wonderful.
-
Now that might be good for a man
-
who's trying to strengthen his marriage.
-
That is not good for a young lady
-
who is single to sit and watch
-
two or three of those.
-
She ought to stay as far away
from those as possible.
-
Why? Why expose yourself to that?
-
Why do that?
-
What else?
-
James: What's a Hallmark movie?
-
Tim: It's a romance movie.
-
James: Our wives obviously
watch them all this time.
-
Tim: I've watched some with my wife.
-
They all have the same storyline,
-
just different actors and actresses.
-
They are identical - every one of them.
-
They're the kind of movies guys hate.
-
But if you watch them with your wife...
-
She's actually asking about
-
whether the church should be involved.
-
Now that's an option.
-
Could you look to your father
-
to help set you up with somebody?
-
Could you look to your pastor?
-
I'll admit some people
-
are better matchmakers than others.
-
But that's a possibility and that happens.
-
There's communication and I have it.
-
Very likely, James has it.
-
There's communication with elders
-
in other churches at times
-
about singles in the church
-
and possible matches.
-
Here's an option.
-
This is a serious option.
-
Surrendering yourself
-
to living a life of singleness
-
to the glory of God if that's
what God has called you to.
-
You say, well, here I am struggling.
-
I'm struggling with singleness
-
and you're going to give
me that as an option?
-
Yeah, I think that's a tremendous option.
-
Let me say it again.
-
Surrendering.
-
(incomplete thought)
-
But just surrendering yourself
-
to that reality.
-
You know what, when I was single,
-
I asked the Lord:
-
Lord, I'll stay single.
-
I don't have any problem staying single
-
if You'll help me be single.
-
I mean, if You'll grant
me a gift of singleness
-
and grant me
contentment to be single,
-
I'll happily stay single.
-
But I think that's a real, genuine option
-
is to say: Lord, I'm surrendered.
-
I'm surrendered.
-
I am not going to live my life
-
like life doesn't start till I'm married.
-
I'm surrendering that to You.
-
Lord, here I am.
-
I'm ready to serve You
-
and if You want me to serve You single,
-
then I'm going to serve You single
-
as best as I can.
-
I think that is an option
-
that you really want to consider.
-
This is one to think about.
-
I've given lots of options.
-
Make yourself more attractive.
-
Get on the Internet
-
and use one of these match-making deals.
-
There's all sorts of things.
-
Talk to the pastor. Talk to other people.
-
Go to where the guys are.
-
Communicate some.
-
Fix the things that are wrong.
-
Make yourself more attractive.
-
There's all these things
-
that you can think about.
-
Girls taking initiative.
-
But I'll tell you what Scripture says.
-
Not so much about getting a husband
-
or a wife,
-
but I think you can put it in there.
-
Because what Jesus is talking about
-
is food and clothing.
-
The basics of life.
-
And you know what He says?
-
Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven
-
and all these things
shall be added unto you.
-
You know what one option is?
-
Just all out serve the Lord.
-
(incomplete thought)
-
Listen, we have a God
-
that if He wants you married,
-
you can be on a desert island
-
where there's not a guy
1,000 miles from you
-
and He will get that guy there
-
and you will be married.
-
James: Or you can be in India
-
and some guy from Bangladesh
-
ends up over there and you marry him.
-
Tim: Right.
-
I mean, when Ruby - she was in a church,
-
no single guys.
-
I'm looking at moving
to a different church
-
in the same city.
-
John Sytsma called me and told me:
-
we know you're single
-
and Pat just wanted John to say to me,
-
look, there aren't any
eligible young ladies here.
-
It was like that didn't
even cross my mind.
-
I'm not going down there
-
because there's a bunch of single ladies.
-
I'm going down there
-
because that's the kind of
church I've been looking for.
-
Ruby's dad would say to her
-
even if God has to bring your husband
-
from 1,000 miles away -
-
well, that's exactly what happened.
-
The thing is seek first the Kingdom.
-
(incomplete thought)
-
Yes, pray. That came up before.
-
And don't underestimate that.
-
I'm not putting these options
-
in order of priority.
-
In fact, I'm probably putting
them worst to best.
-
But the thing is don't underestimate
-
the God that Christians have.
-
We have us a God who's able to do
-
exceedingly, abundantly,
-
beyond what you ask or think.
-
(incomplete thought)
-
This is a huge thing.
-
You know what one of the good options is?
-
Is renew your minds.
-
Renew your minds.
-
You say what do you mean?
-
I mean this:
-
you can be single
-
and you can be in a situation
-
where you see all these married people
-
and you say: woe is me.
-
Okay, let me ask you something.
-
Are you a Christian?
-
Yes.
-
Woe is me?
-
You've been saved from your sins.
-
In a very short time, you're
going to be in Paradise.
-
This life is fleeting.
-
It's over in a moment.
-
It's like a breath of fog and it's gone.
-
You are going to spend forever -
-
eternal life, abundant, overflowing,
-
an eternal weight of glory,
-
and you're saying woe is me?
-
Wake up!
-
It is not woe is you.
-
In fact, the Apostle Paul said
-
that if you're married,
-
you're going to be taken
up with worldly anxieties.
-
But if you're not married,
-
you can give yourself freely
and fully to the Lord.
-
What does that mean? Renew your mind.
-
It means on judgment day
-
when sister so-and-so over here
-
is being rewarded for the 60%
-
she was able to bring forth in her life
-
because 40% was given to worldly endeavors
-
that really didn't amount to much,
-
and you're over here and you were single
-
and you could have
devoted your whole life -
-
you want to be that person that:
-
"Oh, well done! A hundred fold!"
-
You don't want to be tenfold
-
because 90% of the time, you pined away,
-
self pity, oh "woe is me."
-
Listen, renew your mind.
-
The thing is you're not the only person
-
suffering in this world.
-
And there are many married people
-
who are just as lonely
or lonelier than you.
-
And there are people that are married
-
that are very miserable.
-
And I guarantee you this,
-
that look, we have us a God,
-
and I think there's a place to come to Him
-
and pray, Lord, I ask You, please,
-
give me a spouse
-
or give me the grace to be single.
-
That's very reasonable.
-
Why would He not give
you either one of those?
-
He will!
-
When we're suffering and you're like Paul
-
and you come and say
I've got a thorn in the flesh
-
and would You please take it away,
and you ask three times,
-
what's the answer?
"My grace is sufficient."
-
And I think that's where our
expectation needs to be.
-
And you need to renew your mind.
-
You need to think right about things.
-
Think right.
-
The Apostle Paul teaches
-
that if you're single,
you have the ability
-
to serve the Lord like
married people don't.
-
Don't waste your singleness.
-
Don't waste it pining away,
-
feeling like you have an entitlement
-
to be married
-
and somehow God has done you wrong
-
until you get a spouse.
-
Don't think you're the
only one that suffers.
-
We can think like that.
-
We often think that way in our suffering.
-
But remember, we have a
sympathetic high priest.
-
That's what Scripture says.
-
And He's able to relate.
-
He stayed single His whole life.
-
He was a Man of Sorrows.
-
Charles Leiter's done a message
-
on the loneliness of Christ.
-
If ever somebody was
lonely, it was Christ.
-
He suffered alone on that cross.
-
And here's the thing,
-
our lives really are momentary.
-
You need to renew your mind there.
-
And you know what?
-
Even the people in this room
-
with the happiest marriages -
-
one of us is going to die
-
and probably not both of
us on the same day.
-
Somebody's going to say goodbye.
-
And it's over.
-
John Piper wrote a book called,
-
"This Momentary Marriage."
-
It's just momentary.
-
And then there's eternity forever.
-
And I guarantee you, in a million years
-
it will not matter which
ones of us were married
-
or which ones of us weren't married.
-
What's going to really matter is
-
whether you were in or out;
-
whether you served well;
-
whether in the end, it's:
-
Well done, good and faithful servant.
-
You had your hand up.
-
(from the room)
-
Yeah, I noticed you were talking
-
from the perspective of the female,
-
but I wanted to ask you
-
could you elaborate -
-
I heard a lot of talk
-
about the gift of singleness.
-
Can you tell us like
what you think that is?
-
Tim: Well, it seems to be a gift
-
and it seems to be something
-
that some people have
-
that other people don't have.
-
And what is the gift?
-
I would say it's a lack of
need to be married.
-
It's the ability to be content
-
to stay single.
-
I want to read something to you.
-
I often go back to this.
-
This is "Praying Payson" - Edward Payson
-
of Portland, Maine.
-
James: What page is that?
-
Tim: This is page 410 of Volume 1.
-
He is dying.
-
Listen to what he says.
-
"Christians might avoid much trouble
-
and inconvenience
-
if they would only believe
-
what they profess,
-
that God is able to make them happy
-
without anything else."
-
Seek first the Kingdom of God.
-
Seek first God.
-
Single people - I can tell you this,
-
in my singleness,
-
did I want to be married?
-
Yes, I wanted to be married.
-
But I can tell you this,
-
I had visitations of
the presence of Christ
-
in those three years of singleness
-
that I have not had
since I've been married.
-
They are the most
fulfilling things imaginable.
-
Listen to what Payson says.
-
"Christians imagine that if such
a dear friend were to die..."
-
or I'll insert here:
-
or if I wasn't to get married,
-
and it's like my spouse died
-
before I ever met him -
-
"or such and such blessings to be removed"
-
(like the blessing of marriage),
-
"they imagine that they
should be miserable."
-
And that's what happens.
-
Oh, woe is me. I'm going to be miserable.
-
I'm not going to get married.
-
But he says this, "Whereas God
-
can make them a thousand times happier
-
without them.
-
To mention my own case,
-
God has been depriving me
-
of one blessing after another,
-
but as every one of these blessings
-
has been removed,
-
God has come in and filled up its place
-
and now when I'm a cripple,
-
not able to move,
-
I am happier than ever I was in my life
-
before or ever expected to be.
-
And if I had only believed
this 20 years ago,
-
I might have been spared much anxiety."
-
The truth is God alone
-
without anything else
-
is entirely satisfying.
-
Renew your mind.
-
Renew your mind.
-
To find God is it.
-
That's the sum.
-
A good option is to abandon
-
marriage idolatry.
-
Marriage is not God.
-
A husband is not God.
-
A wife is not God.
-
Not even close.
-
Not even to be equated.
-
And if you're living just for marriage,
-
you want to be careful
-
because idolaters do not inherit
-
the Kingdom of Heaven.
-
Live for God.
-
Renew the mind.
-
Renew the mind.
-
Become convinced of
really what is important
-
and what satisfies.
-
Here's a man - a godly man - at the end,
-
and he's realizing just
how fulfilling God is
-
(incomplete thought).
-
What we have is his words.
-
What he's saying is true.
-
God is entirely fulfilling.
-
And when we can get where my soul
-
pants after God,
-
like the deer pants after the waterbrooks,
-
my soul longs, it pants after You.
-
When we live that way,
-
when you find God
-
and you drink richly from those springs,
-
you can be single.
-
You can be in the fires.
-
You can be in prison.
-
I mean, one of those Covenanters -
-
I wish I could remember,
-
his name is just barely escaping me.
-
It's like Cameron. Cameron, I think.
-
But he was one of those
Scotch Covenanters.
-
They said he received like
six or seven mortal wounds -
-
any one of which would have killed him.
-
But he was hacked up.
-
They chopped him up with swords.
-
They threw him - he's dying, bleeding -
-
they threw him in the dungeon
-
and they just piled chains on top of him.
-
And his fellow comrades were
in the dungeon with him.
-
He's just laying there a broken man,
-
his body's all shattered.
-
And he was able to communicate to them
-
and said I don't think I can bear
up under this much longer.
-
And when they inquired,
-
they found out what he meant
-
was not: the tortures of all these wounds
-
and chains are killing me.
-
He said, "I am experiencing
-
the glory of God to the degree
-
that I don't know if I
can sustain it much longer."
-
He did die.
-
But the glory of God
being revealed to Him -
-
if we will pant after that
-
and chase after that
-
and not be content until we have that,
-
I guarantee to find God
-
and to drink of that cup,
-
that so surpasses anything
marriage can bring.
-
And if a person has their eyes
-
set on marraige and finding a husband
-
and they're so full of anxieties
-
and so full of discontentment,
-
they're exalting marriage to something
-
that they should not exalt it to.
-
That's dangerous idolatry.
-
But we need to be convinced.
-
We need to have our minds renewed.
-
Well, may the Lord help you
-
to sort through the options.
-
See the good ones.
-
Reject the bad ones.
-
Embrace the good ones.
-
Father, I pray for the singles
-
and I pray Lord,
-
may they hear this.
-
May they really hear this
-
and long after You and find You,
-
pursue You,
-
as that deer pursues those waters
-
when famished and thirsty and panting.
-
Lord, we all want that -
married or single.
-
Give us a greater thirst for You.
-
And we would take this opportunity
-
to pray too for the Spirit of God.
-
My daughter's birthday is in two days.
-
I can think about giving her gifts.
-
Oh Father, if we were the
sort of Father that You are,
-
knowing what we know about ourselves
-
and our desire to give
good gifts to our children,
-
Lord, how much more will You give
-
the Holy Spirit and we ask You to do it.
-
Give the Holy Spirit to us.
-
We ask in Christ's name, Amen.