Why are SHAME & TRAUMA so Connected? | Kati Morton

- Hey, everybody.

Today, we're gonna talk
about shame and trauma

and why they are so deeply connected.

Before we jump into this
very important topic,

are you new to my channel?

Welcome.

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As always, let's first begin
by defining the two terms.

Now, shame is defined as a
painful feeling of humiliation

or distress caused by the
consciousness of wrong

or foolish behavior

but I find that many people
confuse shame with guilt.

Maybe it's because they both cause us

to feel bad about ourselves
but they are very different

and I think it's important
to highlight that

before we really get
into this any further.

Now, guilt is when we judge our behavior

as being negative or wrong,

our behavior, remember that,

meaning that if I told someone
that I would pay them back

but I didn't, I could feel guilty about it

because I feel that what I did

or more importantly didn't do
was wrong or inconsiderate.

Now, shame on the other hand

is when we view ourselves
as being bad or wrong.

It's much deeper than guilt

and it can't be fixed
by simply making amends

or following through with
what you said you would do.

As you can see, guilt can in some ways

motivate us to be better
and to make amends.

Shame isn't motivating and in most cases,

it can actually be debilitating.

It can cause us to believe terrible things

about ourselves and our situation

and in turn make our mental
health issues even worse.

Many of my patients
and viewers have shared

how shame has made them act
in more self-destructive ways

whether it be sabotaging relationships

or engaging in self-injurious behavior.

Guilt is about our actions
and shame is about ourselves.

Therefore, shame is something
that we need to understand

so that we can process it
and remove it from our lives.

Also, as I was doing research,

I've heard shame described
as a developmental trauma

meaning that it doesn't occur

immediately following the traumatic event

but it grows over time,
it develops over time

especially if the traumas repeat

or if our PTSD symptoms go untreated.

Now, moving on to trauma.

It is defined as a deeply distressing

or disturbing experience.

In order for someone to be traumatized,

they have to fear for their life

or the life of someone else.

These can be big events,
big traumas or big Ts

or a bunch of smaller events or little ts

but they can all lead us to struggling

with the symptoms of PTSD

and if you want more information
on PTSD or what it is,

you can click the link in the description

for my video all about it.

Now that we know the definitions
of both shame and trauma,

let's get into why they are
so connected to one another.

I personally believe that shame

is only linked to certain
trauma experiences.

Now, I could be wrong and
you're more than welcome

to share your thoughts in
those comments down below

but just hear me out for a minute

because I believe that
shame is only associated

with traumas that we
feel we are responsible

or could have stopped.

This is obviously dependent
on our own personal experience

during or after that traumatic event

but if we feel that we could have

or should have done something to stop it,

we can feel full of shame as a result

'cause think back to
the definition of shame

and how it can cause us to feel

that we are just wrong or bad

and if we felt that we
could have done something

to stop the trauma from occurring

or did something to cause it,

of course we would struggle
with feelings of shame.

Does that make sense?

Now, research has shown that
when we experience shame

as a result of trauma,

it can lead us into having
more unhealthy coping skills

such as excessive alcohol
use, complete avoidance

or self-injurious behaviors

which can interfere with our
ability to process the emotions

that we associate with
the traumatic event.

Think about it.

Drinking a lot is gonna numb us out.

If we're using self-injurious behaviors,

we've talked about this being
an unhealthy coping skill

and a way to kinda express
how we're feeling differently

or numb out from all that
we may be experiencing

so we just focus on that

and this inability to process emotions

may then contribute to the development

or intensification of our PTSD symptoms.

Also, since shame can be so
debilitating and stigmatizing,

we're less likely to even
reach out for professional help

and support when we need it most

and additionally, they
believe that shame is born out

of the free state that
trauma can put us in

because when we're so
overwhelmed and traumatized

that we feel frozen and unable
to move or help ourselves,

we can slowly begin to believe

that what happened was all our fault

because we didn't do anything to stop it

and that's how shame becomes toxic

and impedes our ability
to process through things

and move forward.

It doesn't help us see how our
actions are affecting others

or motivate us to change
which guilt can actually do.

Instead, it causes us to isolate,

believe that it's all our fault

and something is completely
inherently wrong with us.

Now, there is so much I could talk about

when it comes to trauma and shame

but I wanna make sure I leave some time

to talk about how we can heal from it

and move past the shame that
we may feel because we can

and number one, because
we're dealing with trauma

and possibly some unhealthy coping skills,

we'll need to gather our healthy

and helpful resources first.

Research shows us that
the free state happens

because we don't really know
what else to do in that moment

and it pushes us out
of our resilient zone.

You remember I did that
video with Alexa a while ago?

And so when we do that,
when it pushes us out,

it's because we don't have
any resources to help us out.

So in order to even
consider talking through

all we may have been through
and the traumatizing situation,

we're gonna need to
have internal resources

available to us at all times.

These aren't distraction techniques

or healthy coping skills.

These are resources within ourselves

and in other people in our lives.

For example, a resource could
be your amazing sense of humor

or your compassion for others
or your closest friend or pet

or a safe space that you
have where you can go

and you can relax and feel
okay, anything like that.

So any resource that you could use

to help you better manage any
of the hard and icky stuff

we know can come up
when we're going through

and talking through the trauma,

you need to be able to
go to that happy place

or to use that sense of
humor to keep you present

and help you continue to push through

and your therapist
should also be a resource

but it can take a while
for us to feel safe enough

to call them that

and know that we feel
safe in their office.

It takes us a while to feel okay

but coming up with resources
can take many sessions

so be patient as you put together

the ones that work for you.

Next or number two is
mindfulness and grounding.

When we've been traumatized

and are struggling with
intense feelings of shame,

it can be hard to stay present.

This could mean that we're
unable to stay in our body

and so we'll dissociate

or that we struggle to
stay in the present time

and have a hard time
discerning past from present

and I put these two tools together

because they work really in tandem.

Now, first, think about it.

With mindfulness, we have to begin feeling

all that comes up for us in our body

as well as what emotions we feel.

This can start by simply
tracking your feelings

with feelings charts.

I've talked about that a lot.
So you can print those off.

You can Google them online
and print off a feelings chart

but it helps to track that first

and then progress to how an
emotion feels in your body.

Where is it, what sensation
do you feel, et cetera

and it can take some time

but the better able we are
to recognize the feeling

and actually allow ourselves to feel it

and move through it and stay present,

the better able we'll be
to talk through our trauma

and start to heal and also
because we have to be present

in order for our brain to have the chance

to reprocess at all.

Talked about that when it comes to EMDR

that we have to be present
in order for it to work

and that's why figuring out
what grounding techniques,

remember these work in tandem, right,

mindfulness and grounding,

it's important to figure out
what grounding techniques

work for you and that will help
you so much in this process

and remember, grounding techniques

could be snapping rubber
bands on your wrist,

stomping your feet, clapping your hands,

counting the colors in a room.

Connecting to what we feel in our body

and connecting that with
the grounding technique

can help us focus on that area

and can be so life changing
during our trauma reprocessing.

Next or number three, explore the trauma

and situations that created shame for you.

Because shame is often attached

to a lot of other uncomfortable emotions

and could be what's keeping
us held in our PTSD response,

we have to figure out what situations

caused us to feel shameful.

Now, obviously, this needs to
be done slowly and carefully

but your therapist should walk you through

and help you see the other
side of the encounter.

Perhaps we aren't taking
into consideration

why someone would do
that to another person.

Is that person an egomaniac?

Maybe they're acting out
of their own pain or shame.

Would they have done this to us

or someone else no matter we did?

Essentially taking the
responsibility off ourselves,

it can lead to shame.

Taking the time to reframe what happened

can help us acknowledge how we felt

instead of what we usually try to do

is try to just brush it off,
push it down and ignore it

and I know talking through each encounter

that may have caused us to feel shame

can seem really, really tedious

but it's important that we do it

so that we can see the other side of it

and then be able to let it go.

It can also help to talk out

what other emotions come up
for you when you do this.

So maybe you feel anger and shame?

Adding in an emotion word to the shame

can help us better connect
with what we're feeling

again going back to the tip
before this about mindfulness.

Acknowledging that we felt other emotions

can be clues to our healing as well.

Now, next or number four,

developing new and healthier relationships

and ways to protect ourselves.

Shame often gets passed around

from hurt person to hurt person

because it's often too
difficult to deal with.

So instead of dealing with
it, we inflict it upon others.

One article I read
called shame a hot potato

and I kinda like that analogy
'cause it gets passed around.

We're like, ugh, I hate
this, it feels terrible,

you take it and so we
push it onto other people

but once we figured it
where the shame came from,

the situations, the people,

the traumas we may have experienced

and we're able to safely
reframe these situations

to see it wasn't in fact our fault

and there isn't anything
inherently wrong with us

then we can develop
healthier coping skills

and relationships starting with
our therapeutic relationship

and you can do roleplay within sessions

to practice communication skills,

come up with self-care
tools and techniques

and work together to
recognize any of the clues

that we may be slipping into old habits.

Now, I know all of that
may seem like a lot of work

and in truth it is but I
always think it's important

that we know it can and will get better.

Finding the right therapist,
possibly a trauma specialist,

is imperative as well as being
patient with your process.

Trauma work takes time
and what's most important

is that you feel supported
as you were challenged

but not pushed to move too fast

and that's why resourcing was
the first step I mentioned.

We need to feel supported and safe

while we do all of the
work we're gonna need to do

in order to heal.

This video has been brought to you

by the Kinions on Patreon.

If you would like to support the creation

of these mental health videos,

click the link in the
description and check it out.

But as always, I wanna hear from you.

Did I leave out an important step?

Was there something else that helped you?

Do you think shame and trauma
aren't really linked at all?

Let me know in those comments down below

and I will see you next time.

Bye.