When to take a stand — and when to let it go
-
0:01 - 0:08This summer I was back
in Ohio for a family wedding, -
0:08 - 0:10and when I was there,
-
0:10 - 0:13there was a meet and greet
with Anna and Elsa from "Frozen." -
0:13 - 0:17Not the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen,"
-
0:17 - 0:20as this was not a Disney-sanctioned event.
-
0:20 - 0:24These two entrepreneurs had
a business of running princess parties. -
0:24 - 0:26Your kid is turning five?
-
0:26 - 0:30They'll come sing some songs,
sprinkle some fairy dust, it's great. -
0:30 - 0:33And they were not about
to miss out on the opportunity -
0:33 - 0:36that was the phenomenon
and that was "Frozen." -
0:36 - 0:38So they get hired by a local toy store,
-
0:38 - 0:39kids come in on a Saturday morning,
-
0:39 - 0:43buy some Disney swag, get their
picture taken with the princesses, -
0:43 - 0:44call it a day.
-
0:44 - 0:47It's like Santa Claus
without the seasonal restrictions. -
0:47 - 0:48(Laughter)
-
0:48 - 0:54And my three-and-a-half-year-old niece
Samantha was in the thick of it. -
0:54 - 0:59She could care less that these two women
were signing posters and coloring books -
0:59 - 1:04as Snow Queen and Princess Ana
with one N to avoid copyright lawsuits. -
1:04 - 1:05(Laughter)
-
1:05 - 1:10According to my niece and the 200-plus
kids in the parking lot that day, -
1:10 - 1:15this was the Anna and Elsa from "Frozen."
-
1:16 - 1:22It is a blazing hot Saturday morning
in August in Ohio. -
1:22 - 1:25We get there at 10 o'clock,
the scheduled start time, -
1:25 - 1:27and we are handed number 59.
-
1:27 - 1:32By 11 o'clock they had called
numbers 21 through 25; -
1:32 - 1:33this was going to be a while,
-
1:33 - 1:38and there is no amount
of free face painting or temporary tattoos -
1:38 - 1:41that could prevent the meltdowns
that were occurring outside of the store. -
1:41 - 1:43(Laughter)
-
1:43 - 1:47So, by 12:30 we get called:
-
1:47 - 1:50"56 to 63, please."
-
1:50 - 1:54And as we walk in, it is a scene
I can only describe you -
1:54 - 1:57as saying it looked like Norway threw up.
-
1:57 - 1:58(Laughter)
-
1:58 - 2:02There were cardboard
cut-out snowflakes covering the floor, -
2:02 - 2:07glitter on every flat surface,
and icicles all over the walls. -
2:08 - 2:09And as we stood in line
-
2:09 - 2:12in an attempt to give
my niece a better vantage point -
2:12 - 2:14than the backside
of the mother of number 58, -
2:14 - 2:16I put her up on my shoulders,
-
2:16 - 2:20and she was instantly riveted
by the sight of the princesses. -
2:20 - 2:23And as we moved forward,
her excitement only grew, -
2:23 - 2:25and as we finally got
to the front of the line, -
2:25 - 2:28and number 58 unfurled her poster
to be signed by the princesses, -
2:28 - 2:32I could literally feel the excitement
running through her body. -
2:32 - 2:35And let's be honest,
at that point, I was pretty excited too. -
2:35 - 2:36(Laughter)
-
2:36 - 2:39I mean, the Scandinavian decadence
was mesmerizing. -
2:39 - 2:41(Laughter)
-
2:41 - 2:43So we get to the front of the line,
-
2:43 - 2:46and the haggard clerk
turns to my niece and says, -
2:46 - 2:47"Hi, honey. You're next!
-
2:47 - 2:50Do you want to get down,
or you're going to stay -
2:50 - 2:52on your dad's shoulders for the picture?'
-
2:52 - 2:53(Laughter)
-
2:53 - 2:57And I was, for a lack
of a better word, frozen. -
2:57 - 2:59(Laughter)
-
2:59 - 3:04It's amazing that in an unexpected instant
we are faced with the question, -
3:04 - 3:05who am I?
-
3:05 - 3:08Am I an aunt? Or am I an advocate?
-
3:08 - 3:12Millions of people have seen my video
about how to have a hard conversation, -
3:12 - 3:15and there one was, right in front of me.
-
3:15 - 3:16At the same time,
-
3:16 - 3:19there's nothing more important
to me than the kids in my life, -
3:19 - 3:23so I found myself in a situation
that we so often find ourselves in, -
3:23 - 3:26torn between two things,
two impossible choices. -
3:26 - 3:28Would I be an advocate?
-
3:28 - 3:32Would I take my niece off my shoulders
and turn to the clerk and explain to her -
3:32 - 3:35that I was in fact
her aunt, not her father, -
3:35 - 3:38and that she should be more careful
-
3:38 - 3:43and not to jump to gender conclusions
based on haircuts and shoulder rides -- -
3:43 - 3:44(Laughter) --
-
3:44 - 3:46and while doing that,
-
3:46 - 3:50miss out on what was, to this point,
the greatest moment of my niece's life. -
3:51 - 3:53Or would I be an aunt?
-
3:53 - 3:56Would I brush off that comment,
take a million pictures, -
3:56 - 4:01and not be distracted for an instant
from the pure joy of that moment, -
4:01 - 4:03and by doing that,
-
4:03 - 4:06walk out with the shame that comes up
for not standing up for myself, -
4:06 - 4:09especially in front of my niece.
-
4:09 - 4:10Who was I?
-
4:10 - 4:15Which one was more important?
Which role was more worth it? -
4:15 - 4:18Was I an aunt? Or was I an advocate?
-
4:18 - 4:21And I had a split second to decide.
-
4:22 - 4:24We are taught right now
-
4:24 - 4:28that we are living in a world
of constant and increasing polarity. -
4:28 - 4:33It's so black and white,
so us and them, so right and wrong. -
4:34 - 4:38There is no middle,
there is no gray, just polarity. -
4:38 - 4:40Polarity is a state in which
two ideas or opinions -
4:40 - 4:43are completely opposite from each other;
-
4:43 - 4:45a diametrical opposition.
-
4:46 - 4:49Which side are you on?
-
4:49 - 4:53Are you unequivocally and without question
antiwar, pro-choice, anti-death penalty, -
4:53 - 4:56pro-gun regulation, proponent
of open borders and pro-union? -
4:56 - 5:01Or, are you absolutely
and uncompromisingly -
5:01 - 5:04pro-war, pro-life, pro-death penalty,
-
5:04 - 5:06a believer that the Second
Amendment is absolute, -
5:06 - 5:08anti-immigrant and pro-business?
-
5:08 - 5:10It's all or none, you're with us
or against us. -
5:10 - 5:12That is polarity.
-
5:12 - 5:17The problem with polarity
and absolutes is that -
5:17 - 5:22it eliminates the individuality
of our human experience -
5:22 - 5:26and that makes it contradictory
to our human nature. -
5:27 - 5:29But if we are pulled
in these two directions, -
5:29 - 5:31but it's not really where we exist --
-
5:31 - 5:34polarity is not our actual reality --
-
5:34 - 5:35where do we go from there?
-
5:35 - 5:38What's at the other end of that spectrum?
-
5:38 - 5:42I don't think it's an unattainable,
harmonious utopia, -
5:42 - 5:46I think the opposite
of polarity is duality. -
5:46 - 5:48Duality is a state of having two parts,
-
5:48 - 5:52but not in diametrical opposition,
-
5:52 - 5:55in simultaneous existence.
-
5:55 - 5:57Don't think it's possible?
-
5:57 - 5:58Here are the people I know:
-
5:58 - 6:01I know Catholics who are pro-choice,
and feminists who wear hijabs, -
6:01 - 6:03and veterans who are antiwar,
-
6:03 - 6:06and NRA members who think
I should be able to get married. -
6:06 - 6:09Those are the people I know,
those are my friends and family, -
6:09 - 6:12that is the majority of our society,
that is you, that is me. -
6:12 - 6:14(Applause)
-
6:21 - 6:26Duality is the ability
to hold both things. -
6:26 - 6:30But the question is:
Can we own our duality? -
6:30 - 6:34Can we have the courage
to hold both things? -
6:34 - 6:36I work at a restaurant in town,
-
6:36 - 6:39I became really good friends
with the busser. -
6:39 - 6:42I was a server and we had
a great relationship, -
6:42 - 6:44we had a really great time together.
-
6:44 - 6:48Her Spanish was great
-
6:48 - 6:49because she was from Mexico.
-
6:49 - 6:51(Laughter)
-
6:51 - 6:54That line actually went the other way.
-
6:54 - 6:58Her English was limited,
but significantly better than my Spanish. -
7:00 - 7:04But we were united by our similarities,
-
7:04 - 7:07not separated by our differences.
-
7:07 - 7:10And we were close, even though
we came from very different worlds. -
7:10 - 7:11She was from Mexico,
-
7:11 - 7:14she left her family behind
so she could come here -
7:14 - 7:16and afford them a better life back home.
-
7:16 - 7:19She was a devout conservative Catholic,
-
7:19 - 7:22a believer in traditional family values,
-
7:22 - 7:24stereotypical roles of men and women,
-
7:24 - 7:27and I was, well, me.
-
7:27 - 7:29(Laughter)
-
7:29 - 7:32But the things that bonded us
were when she asked about my girlfriend, -
7:32 - 7:36or she shared pictures that she had
from her family back home. -
7:36 - 7:38Those were the things
that brought us together. -
7:38 - 7:40So one day, we were in the back,
-
7:40 - 7:44scarfing down food as quickly as we could,
gathered around a small table, -
7:44 - 7:45during a very rare lull,
-
7:45 - 7:47and a new guy
from the kitchen came over -- -
7:47 - 7:49who happened to be her cousin --
-
7:49 - 7:52and sat down with all
the bravado and machismo -
7:52 - 7:54that his 20-year-old body could hold.
-
7:54 - 7:56(Laughter)
-
7:56 - 8:01And he said to her,
[in Spanish] "Does Ash have a boyfriend?" -
8:02 - 8:06And she said,
[in Spanish] "No, she has a girlfriend." -
8:07 - 8:11And he said,
[in Spanish] "A girlfriend?!?" -
8:11 - 8:14And she set down her fork,
and locked eyes with him, -
8:14 - 8:19and said, [in Spanish] "Yes,
a girlfriend. That is all." -
8:19 - 8:24And his smug smile quickly dropped
to one of maternal respect, -
8:24 - 8:27grabbed his plate, walked off,
went back to work. -
8:27 - 8:29She never made eye contact with me.
-
8:30 - 8:31She left, did the same thing --
-
8:31 - 8:35it was a 10-second conversation,
such a short interaction. -
8:35 - 8:37And on paper, she had
so much more in common with him: -
8:37 - 8:42language, culture, history, family,
her community was her lifeline here, -
8:42 - 8:46but her moral compass trumped all of that.
-
8:46 - 8:50And a little bit later, they were joking
around in the kitchen in Spanish, -
8:50 - 8:52that had nothing to do with me,
-
8:52 - 8:54and that is duality.
-
8:54 - 8:59She didn't have to choose some P.C. stance
on gayness over her heritage. -
8:59 - 9:02She didn't have to choose
her family over our friendship. -
9:02 - 9:04It wasn't Jesus or Ash.
-
9:04 - 9:06(Laughter)
-
9:09 - 9:10(Applause)
-
9:15 - 9:20Her individual morality
was so strongly rooted -
9:20 - 9:23that she had the courage
to hold both things. -
9:23 - 9:26Our moral integrity is our responsibility
-
9:26 - 9:31and we must be prepared to defend it
even when it's not convenient. -
9:31 - 9:34That's what it means to be an ally,
and if you're going to be an ally, -
9:34 - 9:36you have to be an active ally:
-
9:36 - 9:40Ask questions, act when you hear
something inappropriate, -
9:40 - 9:42actually engage.
-
9:42 - 9:47I had a family friend who for years
used to call my girlfriend my lover. -
9:49 - 9:51Really? Lover?
-
9:51 - 9:53So overly sexual,
-
9:53 - 9:55so '70s gay porn.
-
9:55 - 9:56(Laughter)
-
9:59 - 10:02But she was trying, and she asked.
-
10:02 - 10:04She could have called her my friend,
-
10:04 - 10:08or my "friend," or my "special friend" --
-
10:08 - 10:09(Laughter) --
-
10:09 - 10:12or even worse, just not asked at all.
-
10:12 - 10:16Believe me, we would rather have you ask.
-
10:16 - 10:21I would rather have her say lover,
than say nothing at all. -
10:21 - 10:24People often say to me,
"Well, Ash, I don't care. -
10:24 - 10:28I don't see race
or religion or sexuality. -
10:28 - 10:31It doesn't matter to me. I don't see it."
-
10:32 - 10:37But I think the opposite of homophobia
and racism and xenophobia is not love, -
10:37 - 10:39it's apathy.
-
10:39 - 10:43If you don't see my gayness,
then you don't see me. -
10:43 - 10:46If it doesn't matter to you
who I sleep with, -
10:46 - 10:48then you cannot imagine what it feels like
-
10:48 - 10:51when I walk down the street
late at night holding her hand, -
10:51 - 10:54and approach a group of people
and have to make the decision -
10:54 - 10:56if I should hang on to it
or if I should I drop it -
10:56 - 10:58when all I want to do
is squeeze it tighter. -
10:58 - 11:01And the small victory I feel
-
11:01 - 11:04when I make it by
and don't have to let go. -
11:04 - 11:09And the incredible cowardice
and disappointment I feel when I drop it. -
11:09 - 11:11If you do not see that struggle
-
11:11 - 11:17that is unique to my human experience
because I am gay, then you don't see me. -
11:17 - 11:23If you are going to be an ally,
I need you to see me. -
11:23 - 11:26As individuals, as allies, as humans,
-
11:26 - 11:29we need to be able to hold both things:
-
11:29 - 11:31both the good and the bad,
-
11:31 - 11:33the easy and the hard.
-
11:33 - 11:37You don't learn how to hold
two things just from the fluff, -
11:37 - 11:40you learn it from the grit.
-
11:40 - 11:43And what if duality
is just the first step? -
11:44 - 11:49What if through compassion
and empathy and human interaction -
11:49 - 11:52we are able to learn to hold two things?
-
11:52 - 11:54And if we can hold
two things, we can hold four, -
11:54 - 11:56and if we can hold four,
we can hold eight, -
11:56 - 11:58and if we can hold eight,
we can hold hundreds. -
11:58 - 12:01We are complex individuals,
-
12:01 - 12:02swirls of contradiction.
-
12:02 - 12:05You are all holding
so many things right now. -
12:06 - 12:09What can you do to hold just a few more?
-
12:10 - 12:12So, back to Toledo, Ohio.
-
12:12 - 12:14I'm at the front of the line,
-
12:14 - 12:19niece on my shoulders,
the frazzled clerk calls me Dad. -
12:19 - 12:22Have you ever been mistaken
for the wrong gender? -
12:23 - 12:25Not even that.
-
12:25 - 12:30Have you ever been called
something you are not? -
12:32 - 12:34Here's what it feels like for me:
-
12:34 - 12:38I am instantly an internal storm
of contrasting emotions. -
12:38 - 12:44I break out into a sweat that is
a combination of rage and humiliation, -
12:44 - 12:47I feel like the entire store
is staring at me, -
12:47 - 12:49and I simultaneously feel invisible.
-
12:49 - 12:52I want to explode in a tirade of fury,
-
12:52 - 12:55and I want to crawl under a rock.
-
12:55 - 12:58And top all of that off
with the frustration that I'm wearing -
12:58 - 13:01an out-of-character
tight-fitting purple t-shirt, -
13:01 - 13:03so this whole store can see my boobs,
-
13:03 - 13:06to make sure this exact
same thing doesn't happen. -
13:06 - 13:09(Laughter)
-
13:09 - 13:13But, despite my best efforts
to be seen as the gender I am, -
13:13 - 13:15it still happens.
-
13:15 - 13:19And I hope with every ounce
of my body that no one heard -- -
13:19 - 13:24not my sister, not my girlfriend,
and certainly not my niece. -
13:24 - 13:26I am accustomed to this familiar hurt,
-
13:26 - 13:31but I will do whatever I need to do
to protect the people I love from it. -
13:32 - 13:34But then I take my niece off my shoulders,
-
13:34 - 13:37and she runs to Elsa and Anna --
-
13:37 - 13:39the thing she's been
waiting so long for -- -
13:39 - 13:41and all that stuff goes away.
-
13:41 - 13:45All that matters is the smile on her face.
-
13:45 - 13:51And as the 30 seconds we waited
two and a half hours for comes to a close -
13:51 - 13:56we gather up our things,
and I lock eyes with the clerk again; -
13:56 - 13:59and she gives me
an apologetic smile and mouths, -
13:59 - 14:01"I am so sorry!"
-
14:01 - 14:03(Laughter)
-
14:03 - 14:09And her humanity, her willingness to admit
her mistake disarms me immediately, -
14:09 - 14:14then I give her a: "It's okay,
it happens. But thanks." -
14:14 - 14:17And I realize in that moment
-
14:17 - 14:19that I don't have to be
-
14:19 - 14:24either an aunt
or an advocate, I can be both. -
14:25 - 14:30I can live in duality,
and I can hold two things. -
14:30 - 14:33And if I can hold two things
in that environment, -
14:33 - 14:36I can hold so many more things.
-
14:36 - 14:39As my girlfriend and my niece hold hands
and skip out the front of the door, -
14:39 - 14:42I turn to my sister and say,
"Was it worth it?" -
14:42 - 14:44And she said, "Are you kidding me?
-
14:44 - 14:48Did you see the look on her face?
This was the greatest day of her life!" -
14:48 - 14:49(Laughter)
-
14:49 - 14:52"It was worth the two
and a half hours in the heat, -
14:52 - 14:56it was worth the overpriced coloring book
that we already had a copy of." -
14:56 - 14:58(Laughter)
-
14:58 - 15:02"It was even worth you
getting called Dad." -
15:02 - 15:03(Laughter)
-
15:05 - 15:11And for the first time ever
in my life, it actually was. -
15:11 - 15:13Thank you, Boulder. Have a good night.
-
15:13 - 15:15(Applause)
- Title:
- When to take a stand — and when to let it go
- Speaker:
- Ash Beckham
- Description:
-
Ash Beckham recently found herself in a situation that made her ask: who am I? She felt pulled between two roles — as an aunt and as an advocate. Each of us feels this struggle sometimes, she says — and offers bold suggestions for how to stand up for your moral integrity when it isn’t convenient.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 15:35
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for When to take a stand -- and when to let it go | ||
Morton Bast approved English subtitles for When to take a stand -- and when to let it go | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for When to take a stand -- and when to let it go | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for When to take a stand -- and when to let it go | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for When to take a stand -- and when to let it go | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for When to take a stand -- and when to let it go | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for When to take a stand -- and when to let it go | ||
Morton Bast edited English subtitles for When to take a stand -- and when to let it go |