How to tell if someone truly loves you | Femi Ogunjinmi | TEDxXavierUniversity
-
0:10 - 0:11By show of hands,
-
0:11 - 0:15How many of you have ever
gotten in a relationship -
0:15 - 0:17because you felt that you were in love?
-
0:19 - 0:20Very good!
-
0:22 - 0:26How many have ever broken up
and said to the person, -
0:26 - 0:28"You don't deserve me."
-
0:30 - 0:31Ah-ha!
-
0:32 - 0:33"As a matter of fact,
-
0:33 - 0:37I don't even know how I fell in love
with you in the first place." -
0:38 - 0:39Oh, I know.
-
0:39 - 0:41You were drunk in love, right?
-
0:43 - 0:46In my line of field,
as a relationship coach, -
0:47 - 0:50clients come to me
with their love problems. -
0:51 - 0:55One client wants me
to evaluate her relationship. -
0:56 - 1:00She's been with her boyfriend
for over four years. -
1:00 - 1:04There is no promise ring,
no engagement ring, -
1:05 - 1:07no conversation about wedding.
-
1:08 - 1:10And on top of it,
-
1:10 - 1:12he is cheating on her.
-
1:14 - 1:16She wants to know
-
1:16 - 1:18if she should continue
with the relationship -
1:19 - 1:21or kick the guy to the curb.
-
1:22 - 1:26So, I ask her, "How many times
has he cheated on you?" -
1:27 - 1:30She says, "At least four times."
-
1:31 - 1:34When a lady says "at least four times,"
-
1:34 - 1:36multiply that by two.
-
1:36 - 1:37It's eight times.
-
1:38 - 1:40"Do you love him?"
-
1:41 - 1:43"Yes," she replies.
-
1:44 - 1:45"Does he love you?"
-
1:46 - 1:48"He says he does,
-
1:48 - 1:50but his action does not show it."
-
1:50 - 1:52"What action specifically?"
-
1:53 - 1:54"The cheating."
-
1:55 - 1:58"If you loved someone,
-
1:58 - 2:01would you cheat on them?
-
2:03 - 2:05If you truly loved someone,
-
2:06 - 2:07would you cheat on them
-
2:08 - 2:09at least four times
-
2:10 - 2:12multiplied by two?"
-
2:14 - 2:15She says, "No."
-
2:16 - 2:19Well, if your answer is "no,"
then you know what to do. -
2:20 - 2:25True love that is not
backed up by the right action -
2:25 - 2:27is not true love.
-
2:28 - 2:30Another client says
-
2:30 - 2:32he is happy in his relationship,
-
2:34 - 2:35he loves his girl,
-
2:36 - 2:41but he is cheating on the side
with a married woman, -
2:42 - 2:44and they are both in love together.
-
2:45 - 2:49And he does not know
how he got himself in this situation. -
2:49 - 2:52I say, "You know how
you got yourself in this mess. -
2:53 - 2:58You shifted your focus
from your girl to someone else. -
2:59 - 3:02You divided your
attention and your emotions. -
3:02 - 3:06Someone who used to hold
the first priority on your heart -
3:06 - 3:09no longer holds that position.
-
3:09 - 3:12That's how you got yourself in this mess.
-
3:13 - 3:15So what do you want to do?"
-
3:16 - 3:22He says he would like the married woman
to be able to manage the situation. -
3:22 - 3:24"What do you mean by this?"
-
3:25 - 3:29Well, every time the woman
is with her husband, -
3:29 - 3:31she always thinks about him,
-
3:32 - 3:36and he does not want
the husband to get suspicious -
3:36 - 3:39so that he does not stop the affair.
-
3:39 - 3:41I'm like, "Wait a minute!
-
3:41 - 3:45So you want to continue having
this affair with this woman?" -
3:45 - 3:46He says, "Yes."
-
3:46 - 3:48I say, "Really?
-
3:50 - 3:53How would your girlfriend
feel about this? -
3:54 - 3:57Put yourself in her shoes.
-
3:58 - 4:03You have a boyfriend who says
he is happy with you, -
4:03 - 4:05he is in love with you,
-
4:05 - 4:07but at the same time,
-
4:07 - 4:11he is cheating with someone else
that he is falling in love with. -
4:12 - 4:15Can you actually love two people
at the same time?" -
4:17 - 4:17He says,
-
4:17 - 4:19"I don't want any changes.
-
4:19 - 4:22I just want the situation
to remain the same. -
4:22 - 4:25I want to keep both women in my life."
-
4:25 - 4:27I say, "Wow!
-
4:28 - 4:30You are just like McDonald's slogan:
-
4:30 - 4:31you are lovin' it.
-
4:31 - 4:32Aren't you?"
-
4:34 - 4:36Love is powerful.
-
4:37 - 4:39According to a survey,
-
4:40 - 4:43about 9 out of 10 Americans
-
4:43 - 4:47cited love as an important
factor to get married. -
4:49 - 4:55Past statistics show
that 50% of first marriages, -
4:56 - 5:0067% of second marriages
-
5:00 - 5:05and a stagering high
of 73% of third marriages -
5:05 - 5:07end in divorce.
-
5:08 - 5:10The question is,
-
5:10 - 5:13If love is an important factor
-
5:13 - 5:17that influences people to get married,
-
5:17 - 5:21how come it does not hold the marriage?
-
5:21 - 5:25How come it does not hold
the relationship together? -
5:27 - 5:30When we examine love in a break up,
-
5:31 - 5:34I believe one of three
things has happened. -
5:35 - 5:37It's either: one,
-
5:37 - 5:40there was no love at the beginning
of the relationship to start with; -
5:42 - 5:43two,
-
5:43 - 5:47there was something bigger than the love
that broke the relationship; -
5:48 - 5:49or three,
-
5:49 - 5:51the love declined.
-
5:52 - 5:56I can understand when you feel
like your love is depreciating -
5:57 - 6:01and you tell your partner,
"I just don't love you right now," -
6:01 - 6:04especially, when you are
having a meal together -
6:05 - 6:08and your partner becomes
inquisitive to ask why -
6:08 - 6:12because he just ate
the last piece of the pie - -
6:12 - 6:15"If you loved me,
you would let me have it." -
6:16 - 6:18That's what you say. Right, ladies?
-
6:20 - 6:22At the same token,
-
6:22 - 6:26I believe there is nothing
bigger than love -
6:26 - 6:28that can break a relationship -
-
6:28 - 6:30absolutely nothing -
-
6:30 - 6:35if the couple truly loves each other.
-
6:36 - 6:39And that is what I want
to talk to you about today: -
6:39 - 6:40true love.
-
6:41 - 6:43There are different types
of love out there. -
6:43 - 6:45You have the philia love,
-
6:45 - 6:48which is brotherly love.
-
6:48 - 6:52It is what you share with your family,
friends or colleagues. -
6:53 - 6:55Another one is eros.
-
6:56 - 6:58It is a sexual type of love.
-
6:59 - 7:01It gives the feelings of arousal.
-
7:02 - 7:04This is what you feel
-
7:04 - 7:08when you see a beautiful
sexy person just walking past, -
7:10 - 7:16and you are like,
"Oh, oh ma ma ma ma ma." -
7:17 - 7:19You cannot stop looking at them.
-
7:20 - 7:22You cannot hold yourself together.
-
7:23 - 7:27You begin to fantasise and have all kinds
of imagination about that person. -
7:28 - 7:31You are having eros type of love.
-
7:32 - 7:37The next one is what
Mary J. Blige calls "real love." -
7:37 - 7:43You all know the song! "Real love,
oh I’m searching for a real love, -
7:43 - 7:47someone to make
my heart feel real love." -
7:48 - 7:52And we are still trying to understand
what she meant by "real love." -
7:53 - 7:58You see, all these types of love
cannot sustain a relationship. -
7:58 - 8:01They cannot hold a relationship together.
-
8:01 - 8:03But true love,
-
8:03 - 8:07which the Bible also
describes as agape love, -
8:07 - 8:10can hold a relationship together,
-
8:10 - 8:13can keep a relationship for a long haul.
-
8:14 - 8:15What is true love?
-
8:16 - 8:19True love is passionate love.
-
8:20 - 8:24You have two independent words,
passion and love, -
8:24 - 8:29fused together to make
a strong definition. -
8:29 - 8:36Passion is the force that drives
the love for something; -
8:36 - 8:40it is the flow that keeps love going.
-
8:41 - 8:46Love without passion is
like a body without a soul. -
8:47 - 8:50It is like a car without an engine.
-
8:51 - 8:53No movement would happen.
-
8:54 - 8:57And just in case you are wondering
-
8:57 - 9:01how you can tell
if someone truly loves you -
9:02 - 9:04or if you truly love someone:
-
9:05 - 9:06sacrifice.
-
9:07 - 9:13Sacrifice for one another would indicate
if you truly loved each other. -
9:14 - 9:17And sacrifice is giving up something
-
9:17 - 9:20for another thing
that is far more important. -
9:21 - 9:26Just like giving up that piece of pie
for your girl that is far more important. -
9:28 - 9:33Or it is the release
of something in your possession -
9:33 - 9:36in an exchange for another
thing that you love. -
9:37 - 9:39This is exactly what God did
-
9:39 - 9:44when he released and sacrificed
his only son, Jesus, -
9:44 - 9:46just to have us.
-
9:46 - 9:51"For God so loved the world
that He gave His only begotten Son, -
9:51 - 9:58that whoever believes in Him will not
perish but have everlasting life." -
9:58 - 10:02God demostrated true love -
-
10:03 - 10:05agape love.
-
10:05 - 10:09Love filled with passion and sacrifice.
-
10:10 - 10:14I had an opportunity
to demonstrate my true love. -
10:14 - 10:16I was in college,
-
10:17 - 10:20I enjoyed galvanizing
people for networking, -
10:21 - 10:24and I did this by throwing parties.
-
10:24 - 10:26And if you know one thing
about throwing parties, -
10:26 - 10:30the more women you have there,
the more men want to come in, -
10:30 - 10:34spend money at the bar,
buy drinks, buy bottles. -
10:34 - 10:39So my goal, every time,
is to have as many ladies at the party. -
10:40 - 10:45This, however, opens the door
to always have women around me. -
10:47 - 10:50I remember after throwing a party,
-
10:50 - 10:52three women that do not know each other
-
10:52 - 10:55say they want to spend
the night at my house. -
10:56 - 10:58They wake up in the morning,
-
10:58 - 11:01one begins to feed me breakfast.
-
11:02 - 11:04The second one gets jealous.
-
11:04 - 11:08She goes into the kitchen. Grabs food.
Comes back. She starts to feed me. -
11:09 - 11:11The third one looking like,
"This is crazy. -
11:12 - 11:14Should I join the party or what?"
-
11:15 - 11:18I am thinking to myself,
"It's all a dream." -
11:18 - 11:20But no, it's a reality.
-
11:20 - 11:24I'm like Hugh Hefner
up in my house with the bunnies. -
11:27 - 11:30But that reality was short-lived,
-
11:30 - 11:34as I meet a girl
that I am truly in love with, -
11:34 - 11:37and she is truly
in love with me as well. -
11:37 - 11:42But she does not like
the lifestyle that I am living. -
11:42 - 11:45She does not want to compete
with any other woman. -
11:46 - 11:48This is a deal breaker for her,
-
11:48 - 11:51and, of course, it is
an odd situation for me -
11:51 - 11:54because that means that I am going to have
to give up throwing parties -
11:54 - 11:56and spending time with other women
-
11:56 - 11:59so that I can have and keep her.
-
12:00 - 12:03So I begin to analyse the situation.
-
12:03 - 12:05What am I going to do?
-
12:05 - 12:07Who or what should I pick?
-
12:07 - 12:11Her over them or them over her?
-
12:12 - 12:15This is my kairos moment.
-
12:15 - 12:17My moment of decision.
-
12:18 - 12:24This is where true love
and sacrifice come into play. -
12:30 - 12:34So I made a decision and a sacrifice
-
12:35 - 12:41to give up both throwing parties
and spending time with other women -
12:41 - 12:47so that I can have and keep this girl
that I am truly in love with. -
12:48 - 12:50A few years later,
-
12:50 - 12:55we got married and we have two beautiful
amazing children together. -
12:57 - 13:01You see, true love
is the only type of love -
13:02 - 13:05that can keep and sustain a relationship.
-
13:05 - 13:09It will help you to make
the ultimate sacrifice, -
13:09 - 13:14to give up playing games,
quit destructive habits -
13:15 - 13:20and seek counselling when you can
to acquire tools and knowledge -
13:20 - 13:23in order for you to have
a healthy relationship. -
13:24 - 13:27Because of the love problems
that people are having -
13:27 - 13:29is the reason why I wrote my book,
-
13:30 - 13:32"Revelations of Relationship -
-
13:33 - 13:38What you don't know about finding true
love and sustaining relationship." -
13:39 - 13:41I want to admonish you all
-
13:41 - 13:46to find and practice true love
in your relationship. -
13:46 - 13:48Cheers to your improvement.
-
13:49 - 13:52(Applause)
- Title:
- How to tell if someone truly loves you | Femi Ogunjinmi | TEDxXavierUniversity
- Description:
-
Is proclaiming your love for someone truly enough? Femi Ogunjinmi brings to light what fully constitutes an enduring, fulfilling relationship through his engaging experiences. Femi Ogunjinmi, mostly known as Gfem is a certified life coach, international relationship coach, award winning motivational speaker, and a radio talk show host who has been improving the lives of singles and couples for over ten years. He has authored two edition books titled, "Revelations of Relationship: What you don't know about finding true love and sustaining relationship." Femi earned his Bachelor of Science degree in Biology from Morgan State University and a Master’s Degree in Business Administration from Benedictine University with a Certificate in Financial Management.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but is independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 14:00