The chilling aftershock of a brush with death
-
0:01 - 0:05It was April 8, 2003.
-
0:06 - 0:10I was in Baghdad,
covering the war in Iraq. -
0:10 - 0:15That day, Americans tanks
started arriving in Baghdad. -
0:16 - 0:21We were just a few journalists
in the Palestine Hotel, -
0:23 - 0:26and, as happens in war,
-
0:26 - 0:29the fighting began to approach
outside our windows. -
0:30 - 0:35Baghdad was covered
in black smoke and oil. -
0:35 - 0:36It smelled awful.
-
0:36 - 0:39We couldn't see a thing,
but we knew what was happening. -
0:39 - 0:41Of course, I was supposed
to be writing an article, -
0:41 - 0:43but that's how it always goes --
-
0:43 - 0:46you're supposed to be writing
and something big happens. -
0:46 - 0:48So I was in my room on the 16th floor,
-
0:48 - 0:51writing and looking out the window
every now and then -
0:51 - 0:53to see what was happening.
-
0:53 - 0:56Suddenly, there was a huge explosion.
-
0:56 - 0:57During the previous three weeks,
-
0:58 - 1:02there had been shelling
with half-ton missiles, -
1:02 - 1:04but this time, the shock --
-
1:05 - 1:07I felt it inside of me,
-
1:07 - 1:09and I thought, "It's very close.
-
1:09 - 1:11It's very, very close."
-
1:11 - 1:14So I went down to see what was happening.
-
1:14 - 1:16I went down to the 15th floor
-
1:18 - 1:19to take a look.
-
1:19 - 1:22And I saw people, journalists,
screaming in the hallways. -
1:23 - 1:25I walked into a room
-
1:25 - 1:29and realized that it had
been hit by a missile. -
1:30 - 1:32Someone had been wounded.
-
1:33 - 1:35There was a man near the window,
-
1:35 - 1:39a cameraman named Taras Protsyuk,
-
1:40 - 1:42lying face-down.
-
1:47 - 1:51Having worked in a hospital before,
I wanted to help out. -
1:51 - 1:52So I turned him over.
-
1:53 - 1:54And when I turned him over,
-
1:56 - 1:59I noticed that he was open
from sternum to pubis, -
2:00 - 2:02but I couldn't see anything,
nothing at all. -
2:02 - 2:09All I saw was a white, pearly,
shiny spot that blinded me, -
2:09 - 2:11and I didn't understand what was going on.
-
2:12 - 2:15Once the spot disappeared
and I could see his wound, -
2:15 - 2:16which was very serious,
-
2:16 - 2:18my buddies and I put a sheet
underneath him, -
2:18 - 2:22and we carried him onto an elevator
that stopped at each of the 15 floors. -
2:23 - 2:25We put him in a car
that took him to the hospital. -
2:25 - 2:27He died on the way to the hospital.
-
2:27 - 2:32The Spanish cameraman José Couso,
who was on the 14th floor and also hit -- -
2:32 - 2:35because the shell had exploded
between the two floors -- -
2:35 - 2:37died on the operating table.
-
2:37 - 2:39As soon as the car left, I went back.
-
2:39 - 2:42There was that article
I was supposed to write -- -
2:42 - 2:44which I had to write.
-
2:44 - 2:46And so --
-
2:46 - 2:53I returned to the hotel lobby
with my arms covered in blood, -
2:53 - 2:55when one of the hotel gofers stopped me
-
2:55 - 2:59and asked me to pay the tax
I hadn't paid for 10 days. -
2:59 - 3:01I told him to get lost.
-
3:01 - 3:06And I said to myself:
"Clear your head, put it all aside. -
3:07 - 3:10If you want to write,
you need to put it all aside." -
3:10 - 3:11And that's what I did.
-
3:11 - 3:14I went upstairs, wrote
my article and sent it off. -
3:15 - 3:19Later, aside from the feeling
of having lost my colleagues, -
3:20 - 3:22something else was bothering me.
-
3:22 - 3:26I kept seeing that shiny, pearly spot,
-
3:29 - 3:31and I couldn't understand what it meant.
-
3:32 - 3:34And then, the war was over.
-
3:37 - 3:43Later, I thought: "That's not possible.
I can't just not know what happened." -
3:43 - 3:46Because it wasn't the first time,
and it didn't only happen to me. -
3:46 - 3:50I have seen things like that
happen to others -
3:50 - 3:53in my 20 to 35 years of reporting.
-
3:53 - 3:56I have seen things
that had an effect on me too. -
3:56 - 3:59For example, there was this man
I knew in Lebanon, -
3:59 - 4:02a 25-year-old veteran
who had been fighting for five years -- -
4:02 - 4:04a real veteran -- who we would
follow everywhere. -
4:04 - 4:08He would crawl in the dark
with confidence -- -
4:09 - 4:11he was a great soldier, a true soldier --
-
4:11 - 4:15so we would follow him,
knowing that we would be safe with him. -
4:15 - 4:17And one day, as I was told --
-
4:17 - 4:18and I've seen him again since --
-
4:18 - 4:21he was back in the camp, playing cards,
-
4:21 - 4:23when someone came in next door,
-
4:24 - 4:26and discharged their weapon.
-
4:26 - 4:28As the gun went off,
-
4:28 - 4:33that blast, that one shot,
made him duck quickly under the table, -
4:34 - 4:35like a child.
-
4:35 - 4:37He was shaking, panicking.
-
4:37 - 4:42And since then, he has never
been able to get up and fight. -
4:42 - 4:45He ended up working as a croupier
-
4:45 - 4:47in a Beirut casino
where I later found him, -
4:47 - 4:50because he couldn't sleep,
so it was quite a suitable job. -
4:50 - 4:52So I thought to myself,
-
4:53 - 4:55"What is this thing that can kill you
-
4:56 - 5:01without leaving
any visible scars? -
5:01 - 5:03How does that happen?
-
5:04 - 5:06What is this unknown thing?"
-
5:07 - 5:12It was too common to be coincidental.
-
5:12 - 5:13So I started to investigate --
-
5:13 - 5:15that's all I know how to do.
-
5:15 - 5:17I started to investigate
-
5:17 - 5:20by looking through books,
-
5:21 - 5:23reaching out to psychiatrists,
-
5:23 - 5:26going to museums, libraries, etc.
-
5:26 - 5:30Finally, I discovered
that some people knew about this -- -
5:31 - 5:33often military psychiatrists --
-
5:33 - 5:38and that what we were dealing with
was called trauma. -
5:38 - 5:43Americans call it PTSD
or traumatic neurosis. -
5:43 - 5:45It was something
-
5:46 - 5:48that existed,
-
5:48 - 5:50but that we never spoke about.
-
5:52 - 5:54So, this trauma --
-
5:54 - 5:56what is it?
-
5:56 - 5:58Well, it's an encounter with death.
-
5:59 - 6:02I don't know if you've ever had
an experience with death -- -
6:02 - 6:04I'm not talking about dead bodies,
-
6:04 - 6:07or someone's grandfather
lying in a hospital bed, -
6:07 - 6:11or someone who got hit by a car.
-
6:12 - 6:17I'm talking about facing
the void of death. -
6:18 - 6:24And that is something
no one is supposed to see. -
6:24 - 6:26People used to say,
-
6:26 - 6:30"Neither the sun, nor death
can be looked at with a steady eye." -
6:30 - 6:34A human being should not
have to face the void of death. -
6:34 - 6:36But when that happens,
-
6:38 - 6:42it can remain invisible for a while --
-
6:42 - 6:44days, weeks, months, sometimes years.
-
6:44 - 6:46And then, at some point,
-
6:48 - 6:49it explodes,
-
6:49 - 6:53because it's something
that has entered your brain -- -
6:53 - 6:57a sort of window between an image
and your mind -- -
6:57 - 7:00that has penetrated your brain,
-
7:00 - 7:04staying there and taking up
all the space inside. -
7:06 - 7:08And there are people --
men, women, -
7:09 - 7:11who suddenly no longer sleep.
-
7:12 - 7:15And they experience
horrible anxiety attacks -- -
7:15 - 7:18panic attacks, not just minor fears.
-
7:18 - 7:20They suddenly don't want to sleep,
-
7:20 - 7:25because when they do, they have
the same nightmare every night. -
7:25 - 7:27They see the same image every night.
-
7:27 - 7:28What type of image?
-
7:28 - 7:31For example, a soldier
who enters a building -
7:31 - 7:34and comes face to face
with another soldier aiming at him. -
7:34 - 7:37He looks at the gun,
straight down the barrel. -
7:37 - 7:40And this barrel suddenly
becomes enormous, deformed. -
7:40 - 7:43It becomes fluffy, swallowing everything.
-
7:43 - 7:45And he says --
-
7:46 - 7:49later he will say, "I saw death.
-
7:49 - 7:51I saw myself dead, therefore I'm dead."
-
7:51 - 7:55And from then on, he knows he is dead.
-
7:55 - 8:00It is not a perception --
he is convinced that he is dead. -
8:00 - 8:04In reality, someone came in,
the guy left or didn't shoot, whatever, -
8:04 - 8:05and he didn't actually get shot --
-
8:05 - 8:07but to him, he died in that moment.
-
8:07 - 8:09Or it can be the smell
of a mass grave -- -
8:09 - 8:11I saw a lot of that in Rwanda.
-
8:12 - 8:15It can be the voice of a friend calling,
-
8:15 - 8:19and they're being slaughtered
and there's nothing you can do. -
8:19 - 8:20You hear that voice,
-
8:20 - 8:26and you wake up every night --
for weeks, months -- -
8:26 - 8:28in a trance-like state,
anxious and terrified, -
8:28 - 8:30like a child.
-
8:30 - 8:31I have seen men cry --
-
8:33 - 8:34just like children --
-
8:34 - 8:36from seeing the same image.
-
8:36 - 8:41So having that image
of horror in your brain, -
8:43 - 8:44seeing the void of death --
-
8:45 - 8:48that analogue of horror
which is hiding something -- -
8:48 - 8:50will completely take over.
-
8:50 - 8:52You cannot do anything, anything at all.
-
8:52 - 8:53You cannot work anymore,
-
8:53 - 8:54you cannot love anymore.
-
8:54 - 8:56You go home and don't recognize anyone.
-
8:56 - 8:58You don't even recognize yourself.
-
9:01 - 9:05You hide and don't leave the house,
you lock yourself in, you become ill. -
9:05 - 9:09I know people who placed small cans
outside their house with coins inside, -
9:09 - 9:11in case someone tried to get in.
-
9:11 - 9:14All of a sudden, you feel
like you want to die or kill -
9:14 - 9:16or hide or run away.
-
9:16 - 9:18You want to be loved,
but you hate everyone. -
9:18 - 9:22It's a feeling that seizes you entirely
-
9:23 - 9:24day in and day out,
-
9:24 - 9:28and you suffer tremendously.
-
9:29 - 9:31And no one understands.
-
9:31 - 9:35They say, "There's nothing wrong with you.
You seem fine, you have no injuries. -
9:35 - 9:37You went to war, came back; you're fine."
-
9:38 - 9:40These people suffer tremendously.
-
9:40 - 9:42Some commit suicide.
-
9:42 - 9:45After all, suicide is like updating
your daily planner -- -
9:45 - 9:47I'm already dead,
I might as well commit suicide. -
9:47 - 9:49Plus, there is no more pain.
-
9:49 - 9:53Some commit suicide,
others end up under the bridge, drinking. -
9:53 - 9:57Everyone remembers
that grandfather or uncle or neighbor -
9:58 - 9:59who used to drink, never said a word,
-
10:00 - 10:01always in a bad mood, beat his wife
-
10:01 - 10:05and who would end up either sinking
into alcoholism or dying. -
10:05 - 10:08And why do we not talk about this?
-
10:08 - 10:11We don't talk about it because it's taboo.
-
10:12 - 10:16It's not like we don't have the words
to express the void of death. -
10:16 - 10:18But others don't want hear it.
-
10:18 - 10:20The first time I returned
from an assignment, -
10:20 - 10:21They said, "Oh! He's back."
-
10:21 - 10:25There was a fancy dinner --
white tablecloth, candles, guests. -
10:25 - 10:26"Tell us everything!"
-
10:26 - 10:27Which I did.
-
10:28 - 10:31After 20 minutes, people
were giving me dirty looks, -
10:31 - 10:33the hostess had her nose in the ashtray.
-
10:33 - 10:36It was horrible and I realized
I ruined the whole evening. -
10:36 - 10:38So I don't talk about it anymore.
-
10:38 - 10:39We're just not ready to listen.
-
10:39 - 10:41People say outright: "Please, stop."
-
10:41 - 10:43Is that a rare occurrence?
-
10:43 - 10:45No, it's extremely common.
-
10:45 - 10:48One third of the soldiers
who died in Iraq -- -
10:48 - 10:50well, not "died," let me re-phrase that --
-
10:50 - 10:53one third of the US soldiers
who went to Iraq -
10:53 - 10:55suffer from PTSD.
-
10:55 - 11:01In 1939, there were still 200,000 soldiers
from the First World War -
11:01 - 11:04that were being treated
in British psychiatric hospitals. -
11:05 - 11:08In Vietnam, 54,000 people died --
-
11:08 - 11:09Americans.
-
11:09 - 11:13In 1987, the US government
identified 102,000 -- -
11:13 - 11:14twice as many --
-
11:14 - 11:17102,000 veterans who died
from committing suicide. -
11:17 - 11:20Twice as many deaths by suicide
than by combat in Vietnam. -
11:20 - 11:23So you see, this relates to everything,
-
11:23 - 11:25not just modern warfare,
but also ancient wars -- -
11:25 - 11:28you can read about it,
the evidence is there. -
11:28 - 11:31So why do we not talk about it?
-
11:31 - 11:33Why have we not talked about it?
-
11:33 - 11:38The problem is that
if you don't talk about it, -
11:39 - 11:40you're heading for disaster.
-
11:42 - 11:44The only way to heal --
-
11:44 - 11:48and the good news here
is that this is treatable -- -
11:49 - 11:51think Munch's The Scream, Goya, etc. --
-
11:51 - 11:52it's indeed treatable.
-
11:52 - 11:57The only way to heal from this trauma,
-
11:57 - 12:02from this encounter with death
that overwhelms, petrifies and kills you -
12:02 - 12:06is to find a way to express it.
-
12:07 - 12:08People used to say,
-
12:08 - 12:12"Language is the only thing
that holds all of us together." -
12:12 - 12:14Without language, we're nothing.
-
12:14 - 12:17It's the thing that makes us human.
-
12:17 - 12:19In the face of such a horrible image --
-
12:19 - 12:24a wordless image of oblivion
that obsesses us -- -
12:24 - 12:27the only way to cope with it
-
12:28 - 12:30is to put human words to it.
-
12:30 - 12:33Because these people
feel excluded from humanity. -
12:33 - 12:36No one wants to see them anymore
and they don't want to see anyone. -
12:36 - 12:38They feel dirty, defiled, ashamed.
-
12:38 - 12:42Someone said, "Doctor,
I don't use the subway anymore -
12:42 - 12:45because I'm afraid people
will see the horror in my eyes." -
12:45 - 12:48Another guy thought he had
a terrible skin disease -
12:48 - 12:52and spent six months with dermatologists,
going from doctor to doctor. -
12:52 - 12:54And then one day, they sent him
to a psychiatrist. -
12:54 - 12:57During his second session,
he told the psychiatrist -
12:57 - 12:59he had a terrible skin disease
from head to toe. -
12:59 - 13:02The psychiatrist asked,
"Why are you in this state?" -
13:02 - 13:05And the man said, "Well, because
I'm dead, so I must be rotting away." -
13:05 - 13:10So you see this is something
that has a profound effect on people. -
13:10 - 13:12In order to heal,
we need to talk about it. -
13:12 - 13:16The horror needs to be put into words --
-
13:16 - 13:20human words, so we can organize it
and talk about it again. -
13:20 - 13:24We have to look death in the face.
-
13:25 - 13:30And if we can do that,
if we can talk about these things, -
13:30 - 13:34then step by step,
by working it out verbally, -
13:34 - 13:37we can reclaim our place in humanity.
-
13:38 - 13:39And it is important.
-
13:39 - 13:41Silence kills us.
-
13:42 - 13:43So what does this mean?
-
13:43 - 13:45It means that after a trauma,
-
13:45 - 13:49without question, we lose
our "unbearable lightness of being," -
13:49 - 13:52that sense of immortality
that keeps us here -- -
13:52 - 13:56meaning, if we're here, we almost feel
like we're immortal, which we're not, -
13:56 - 13:59but if we didn't believe that,
we'd say, "What's the point of it all?" -
13:59 - 14:02But trauma survivors have lost
that feeling of immortality. -
14:02 - 14:03They've lost their lightness.
-
14:03 - 14:05But they have found something else.
-
14:05 - 14:08So this means that if we manage
to look death in the face, -
14:10 - 14:14and actually confront it,
rather than keep quiet and hide, -
14:14 - 14:17like some of the men or women I know did,
-
14:17 - 14:24such as Michael from Rwanda,
Carole from Iraq, Philippe from the Congo -
14:24 - 14:25and other people I know,
-
14:25 - 14:27like Sorj Chalandon, now a great writer,
-
14:27 - 14:29who gave up field assignments
after a trauma. -
14:29 - 14:32Five friends of mine committed suicide,
-
14:32 - 14:34they're the ones
who did not survive the trauma. -
14:34 - 14:40So if we can look death in the face,
-
14:40 - 14:43if we, mortal humans, human mortals,
-
14:43 - 14:45understand that we are human
and mortal, mortal and human, -
14:45 - 14:52if we can confront death
and identify it once again -
14:52 - 14:55as the most mysterious place
of all mysterious places, -
14:56 - 14:58since no one has ever seen it --
-
14:58 - 15:01if we can give it back this meaning,
-
15:01 - 15:04yes, we may die,
-
15:06 - 15:07survive
-
15:08 - 15:09and come back to life,
-
15:09 - 15:13but we'll come back stronger than before.
-
15:13 - 15:14Much stronger.
-
15:14 - 15:15Thank you.
-
15:15 - 15:17(Applause)
- Title:
- The chilling aftershock of a brush with death
- Speaker:
- Jean-Paul Mari
- Description:
-
In April 2003, just as American troops began rolling into Baghdad, a shell smashed into the building author and war correspondent Jean-Paul Mari was reporting from. There he had a face-to-face encounter with death, beginning his acquaintance with a phantom that has haunted those who have risked their lives on battlefields since ancient times. "What is this thing that can kill you without leaving any visible scars?" Mari asks. We know it as post-traumatic stress disorder -- or, as Mari describes it, an experience with the void of death. In this probing talk, he searches for answers to questions about mortality and psychosis and in the aftermath of horror and trauma.
- Video Language:
- French
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 15:30
Helene Batt edited English subtitles for Jean-Paul Mari speaks at TEDxCannes | ||
Helene Batt edited English subtitles for Jean-Paul Mari speaks at TEDxCannes | ||
Helene Batt edited English subtitles for Jean-Paul Mari speaks at TEDxCannes | ||
Helene Batt edited English subtitles for Jean-Paul Mari speaks at TEDxCannes | ||
Helene Batt edited English subtitles for Jean-Paul Mari speaks at TEDxCannes | ||
Helene Batt edited English subtitles for Jean-Paul Mari speaks at TEDxCannes | ||
Helene Batt edited English subtitles for Jean-Paul Mari speaks at TEDxCannes | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for Jean-Paul Mari speaks at TEDxCannes |