Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO): FIFA and the World Cup

I would like to talk to you

about the sausage principle

the theory that says if you love something,

never find out how it was made.

Well, tonight, I would like to show you my sausage.

wait, wait, wait, wait...

This is my sausage:

The 2014 Fifa World Cup

Ooh My God!!!!

Ok, the World Cup starts this week

and I am both excited and extremely conflicted about it.

Now, I know, in America,

Soccer is something you pick your ten year old daughter up from.

but...but for me and everyone else on earth

It's a little more important.

Soccer had become Brazil's religion.

In Colombia, soccer was a religion.

Football is a religion here

Soccer, or Football like we say,

it's a religion.

Yeah, and they're not exaggerating.

When David Beckham got a tatoo of Jesus,

the response of most soccer fans was,

that's huge for Jesus.

...that's a big deal for him.

Here's my conflict:

The World Cup is one of my favorite things

but it's organized by these guys: FIFA

You either know it as the

Fédération Internationale de Football Association.

Or, that soccer video game you have.

But for Americans viewers who may never

have encountered them,

FIFA is a comically grotesque organization.

In fact, telling someone about the inner workings of FIFA

For the first time, is a bit like

showing someone "two girls one cup"

You do it mainly so you can watch the

horrified expression on people's faces.

Because let's start where FIFA is current World Cup

is about to take place.

Brazil. Brazilians are excited about everything.

This is how they celebrate

the fact that it's just about to be Lent.

They love the concept of giving up chocolate temporarily.

They're also the biggest soccer fans on earth.

So they must be thrilled

at the prospect of hosting the World Cup.

It's been months of unrest in some of the city's favelas

or slums with clashes between police and residents.

Here people demonstrated against Brazil holding

The World Cup

That makes no sense.

Why would you be unhappy hosting

the thing that you love the most in all the world?

The government has spent more

than eleven billion dollars getting ready.

The United States team will play its

second game here in the city of Manaus.

In this brand new $270 million dollar stadium.

Manaus is so remote that it's almost impossible

to reach by car.

Which is why officials had to have

the stadium materials brought in by boat.

Shipped across the Atlantic from Portugal

and up the Amazon River.

OK, that does seem like a waste of money

especially when you consider that that stadium

is only going to be used for four World Cup games.

There's also no team in Manaus that can fill it afterwards,

at which point it becomes the world's

most expensive bird toilet

No wonder brazilians are so upset,

Especially when you think about what they are actually

getting in return.

Well, and they're going to make money as well...

Well actually, FIFA makes the money.

This is where the controversy is.

The country usually doesn't make money.

FIFA, the organization of the World Cup,

is who makes the money.

Brazil, let me put this in terms you might understand.

Think of money as pubic hair and FIFA as wax.

Oh, they're going to be all over you during the World Cup

but when they go, they're taking all the money with them.

Including some from places

you didn't even know you had any money,

leaving you teary-eyed going,

"Jesus, what happened here."

"What, what happened!"

I'm never doing this again.

Because here are FIFA's tax demands

for prospective host countries.

It is FIFA and its FIFA subsidiaries that are

fully exempt from any tax whatsoever levied

at whatever level.

State level, municipality level, all sorts of taxes.

Consumption taxes, income taxes,

you name it, it's all exempt.

That's right, by Brazil's own estimate,

they're allowing FIFA to forego $250 million dollars in taxes

Somewhere, Wesley Snipes is going:

"So soccer was the answer!"

"Oh, God, it seems so obvious now"

Now FIFA says they leave a lot behind.

Which they do, like, new laws

because you see once upon a time Brazil did this:

In 2003, the Brazilian government banned alcohol

from stadiums because of the enormously high

death rate amongst fans.

Well that seems like a good idea!

Potentially life saving even!

The only problem is, Budweiser,

is one of FIFA's key sponsors.

and they sell a product

they reflexively insist on calling: beer.

and FIFA seemed anxious to protect Budweiser

from a law designed to protect people.

Which is why the FIFA secretary general went to Brazil

with a simple message:

"I'm sorry to say,

and maybe I look a bit arrogant, but that's something

we will not negotiate. I mean there will be,

and there must be, as part of the law, the fact that we

have the right to sell beer.

Yes uh, maybe I look a bit arrogant but, uh,

how you say, uh, fuck your laws and your public safety.

Is that right?

And the amazing thing is here, FIFA won.

They successfully pressured Brazil into passing

a so called "Budweiser Bill," allowing beer sales in soccer stadiums.

and at this point you can either be horrified by that

or relieved that FIFA wasn't also

sponsored by cocaine and chainsaws.

And Brazil, Brazil is lucky.

Brazil's lucky, at least they

just had FIFA force alcohol on them.

When South Africa hosted the world cup four years ago,

FIFA forced the creation of the FIFA World Cup Courts

Which sound funny, you know it's like

going to the World Series and being

dragged in front of judge Philly Phanatic.

Except, FIFAs courts were no joke.

Two Zimbabweans who robbed foreign journalists

on a Wednesday. Were arrested on a Thursday.

And began fifteen year jail sentences the next day.

That is unsettlingly fast.

That's like when you order chinese food

and it comes five minutes later.

"Uh, thanks very much but that was too quick!"

"You didn't have time to make this properly"

And there is a certain irony in FIFA setting up any

kind of justice system given the scandals

that have dogged it over the years.

"Football's governing body has tried to tackle its

shady inner workings by suspending two executives

on corruption charges

The FIFA scandal rumbles on.

Jack Warner, who was at the center of bribery accusations

has resigned as Vice-President.

There've been so many corruption scandals that

FIFA have had to deal with

Bribery and FIFA go together like peanut butter and jelly."

Yeah, but they shouldn't though.

Peanut butter and jelly are supposed

to go together.

Fifa and bribery should go together like

peanut butter and a child with a deadly nut alergy.

"NO, TREVOR, NO! "

"That's for your brother!"

And if you think FIFA can't get any more

cartoonishly evil.

This is their headquarter's actual boardroom.

That's right, FIFA apparenty modeled

where they meet on the war room from

"Doctor Strange Love"

That is exhibit A for an organization that does

not give a shit what you think about them.

And yet, the head of FIFA maintains that they are merely

a humble non-profit organization.

"We are a non-profit organization.

and we have to remain a non-profit organization."

"A non-profit with over a billion dollars in the bank?"

"Yeah but it is a reserve."

A reserve?

A reserve of a billion dollars?

When your rainy day fund is so big

you've got to check it for swimming cartoon ducks,

you might not be a non-profit anymore.

That by the way...that man, the man you just saw

Is Sepp Blatter and even his name

should have been a red flag.

If your name is Sepp, at the bare minimum,

you've strangled someone in a bar fight.

That's just a fact.

And let me just give you a taste of Sepp Blatter

as a human being.

"Recently he was asked how should women's soccer

be made more popular?

He said: "Well, they should wear shorter shorts."

Great idea, put the ladies in hot pants,

call it "Foxy Soccer," and uh, while your at it,

Tighten up the jerseys,

maybe replace the ball with a plate of hot wings,

and --Fuck it, let's just open a hooters.

FIFA. FIFA, the humble non-profit

Even recently spent $27 million dollars

to fun "United Passions,"

a fictionalized version of their history

starring, for some reason, Tim Roth as Sepp Blatter.

And this movie, like FIFA itself, looks terrible.

"We'll be...

The Fédération Internationale de Football Association. FIFA

The first World Cup will be held in, Uruguay.

You have everything you need to run our family,

but you know, the slightest error, and you're out."

Who makes a sports film where the heroes

are the executives?

And the crazy thing is,

you don't need two hours and Tim Roth.

Because the greatest film about Sepp Blatter

has already been made.

It's ten seconds long,

and it's on YouTube.

That is. Wonderfully, that is the one time

you can genuinely say:

"I'm glad that old man fell off that stage."

But perhaps the worst part of FIFA is not even it's past

or its present. It's its future.

Because the host of the 2022 World Cup

has already been decided.

"The winner, to organize the 2022 FIFA world cup is: Qatar"

Qatar?

There's between one and fifty reasons

why that is an awful idea.

Summer temperatures in Qatar can reach

some 50 degrees Celsius.

A difficult environment to hold a professional sporting

event outdoors.

50 degrees Celsius is 122 degrees Fahrenheit.

You are hosting the World Cup somewhere where

soccer cannot physically be played.

That's like if the NFL chose to host the Superbowl in a lake.

Now, there are now allegations that some FIFA executives

took bribes to put the World Cup in Qatar

and I hope that's true because otherwise,

it makes literally no sense.

...and not just because of the weather,

but because of the working conditions.

Qatar is a slave state in the 21st century.

A migrant worker can't leave the country without an exit visa.

That visa has to be approved by his employer.

Who has your passport?

So you're trapped here?

We've got coffins coming home every day

More than a worker per day on average, is dying.

Conservatively, from the figures of just two countries,

India and Nepal, more than 4,000 workers will die

before a ball is kicked off in 2022.

So what you're essentially saying is...

the Qatar World Cup is shaping up to be the most deadly

middle-east construction project since this one.

And by this point, I hope I've proven to you

that FIFA is just appalling.

And yet, here's their power:

I am still so excited about the World Cup next week!

And it's very hard to justify how I can get so much joy

from an organization that's caused so much pain,

other than going back to right where we started.

"Soccer, or Football, like we say, it's a religion."

But it's not just that.

It's an organized religion,

and FIFA is it's church.

Just think about it.

It's leader is infallible,

It compels South American countries to spend money

they don't have building opulent Cathedrals,

and it may ultimately be responsible for the deaths

of shocking numbers of people in the Middle East.

But...but...but...but for millions of people, around the world

like me, it is also the guardian of the only thing that

gives their lives any meaning.

And if that comparison does not make Americans

love soccer, then frankly nothing will.