How apologies kill our confidence | Maja Jovanovic | TEDxTrinityBellwoodsWomen

Sociologist and apology-hater, Maja Jovanovic believes that apologies are confidence killers. So, why are women apologizing all the time? "Apologies matter, and with every unnecessary apology we give, we chip away at our confidence", she claims. She wants to bring attention to how often women apologize, and for what reason they're apologizing. Incessant apologies for mundane issues change how people perceive us. She is on a mission to turn our apologetic communication styles into confidence building lingo.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx

It began about four years ago.

I attended an academic conference,

that forever, and completely changed

the trajectory of my life,

and my career, and my research.

So, I'm sitting in
the audience, about 500 of us.

And I was watching
a panel discussion of four women.

Four academics at the
pinnacle of their career,

each of them experts
in their chosen fields

of Antropolgy and Sociology and PolySci.

And among the four of them,

they had published hundreds
of academic articles,

dozens of books.

All they had to do

was introduce themselves.

First woman.

She takes the microphone,
and she goes:

"I don't know what I could
possibly add to this discussion..."

What?

You're the expert!

You are the world renowned expert,

so if you don't know
what you could add, then...

I don't know what you could add.

And the lunch buffet just started!

So, should I go outside,
or should I be listening to you?

And I thought "okay".

Academics sometimes
aren't the most charismatic speakers.

Maybe she's nervous.

Second woman takes
the microphone, and she says:

"Oh my gosh! I thought they sent
the email to the wrong person!

I'm just so humbled to be here".

What?

What's going on?

Third woman, groundhog day;
fourth woman, same thing.

Over the course of that one week

I listened to 25 of these
panel type discussions,

and not once,

not once did I hear
a man take that microphone

and discount his accomplishments,
minimize his experience.

And yet, every single time
a woman took a microphone,

an apologetic tone
we're sure had follow.

Every single time
a woman took the microphone

at that conference,

she minimized her experience,
and I found it enraging!

But I also found it heartbreaking.

Why do women apologize
more often than men?

Research shows when both men and women

deem an apology, deem an infraction,

to be apology worthy,
they'll both apologize.

So, it's not that men
are avoiding apologies.

Oh... it's just that men have
a really high, high threshold

for what they deem to be
apology-worthy behaviour.

And women... oh my godness, women!

We have a really
low threshold, we're down here.

Always on the lookout for how
we can squeeze in an apology.

You know it's true!

When someone bumps
into you in the hallway,

what do you say?

Sorry?

Why are you apologizing?

Could you say another word?

Yes, we can!

Yes, we can!

Let me tell you something:

apologies matter.

Apologies matter.

Don't let anybody tell you differently.

Sure, if used in the
right way and intermittently,

they can ease old wounds,
they can heal trauma,

they can calm people down.

But, if you are beginning
and ending your sentences with

"sorry, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry..."

people aren't looking
at you going: damn!

How can I get
some of that confidence?

(Laughter)

No!

They're not thinking:
"Hey, how can I promote that woman?"

No.

If you're beginning
and ending your sentences with

"sorry, sorry... sorry about that,

sorry that thing earlier... sorry,
sorry is this a good time...

sorry can I come in...
sorry can I speak?"

Don't be surprised

if there's nothing left of your
confidence at the end of the day.

Because you've given it away

with every needless, useless apology.

And so,

I collect apologies.

And I sent out an email

to all my teaching assistants,
and my research assistants,

and my colleagues,
and I said:

send me what you've
apologized for in the past month.

This is what they sent in.

How many of us have attended that meeting

where somebody wants to give
an opinion, wants to ask a question,

and instead of just giving
your ideas, you prefixed with:

"Sorry, this is...
this is going to sound silly",

"Sorry! Sorry is this...
is this a good time?",

"Sorry, can I just inter...
this is, oh yeah... okay"

What?

What is going on here?

Just state your opinion!

Why are you prefixing it with
"Sorry, this is going to be silly,"

Because guess what?

No one's going to
listen to you after that.

You just said it was going to be silly!

So I've tuned you out.

How about...

the dreaded speech?

How many weddings have you attended

where somebody takes
the microphone to give a toast,

and what do they say?

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not really
good at public speaking.

Sorry, I'm really nervous"

Alright, go home and practice that!

(Laughter)

What?

Why you leading with the negative?

Yeah, how about:

"Sorry, my power... Oh,my power points
are out of order, I'm so sorry!"

Alright, Barbara, no one
knew they were out of order.

You just brought it to our attention!

What's going on here, ladies?

This...

this is my research assistant.

She said sorry to
the pizza delivery guy...

for being late to her house,
and she said:

"Oh my gosh, we live
in a new subdevelopment.

I'm so sorry, did you have
trouble finding this place?"

No Susie, that's what GPS is for!

Stop... apologizing!

How about getting
the wrong order at Starbucks?

And you say:

"I'm so sorry, so... sorry,
I know... I know you're a trainee.

Sorry, it's just, I know there's a line,
it's just that I paid 9 dollars for it.

And it's got dairy in it,
and I'm lactose intollerant...

It's okay, fine... I'm going to live
with the stomach cramps, it's okay."

(Laughter)

Right?

That's what we do!

So how can we switch out of
all these apologetic lingo

for something that's more
confidence inducing?

The next time

somebody bumps into you,

you could say:

"go ahead", "your turn", "after you".

You don't have to insert an apology!

The next time you bump into somebody,
you're trying to squeeze through:

"pardon me", "excuse me".

You don't have to begin
and end to every statement with "sorry".

Apologies have become our
habitual way of communicating.

And it's killing our confidence.

Instead of saying
"sorry to interrupt you",

how about:

"I have an idea", "I'd like to add",

"Why don't we try this?"

That's all you have to say.

Instead of saying
"Sorry for complaining",

"Oh, sorry for venting",

you could just say
"Thanks for listening",

"Thanks for being there",
"Thanks for being my friend".

How many of you have ever
arrived late for a meeting?

What did you say?

"Sorry!"

Well, I've got a story for you.

We're at a restaurant,
four of us, for a work meeting.

And we're waiting for
number five to arrive.

And he was late.

Oh, it was glorious, because I put
my sociological cap on, and I thought:

what would he say?

How many apologies will he give?

Oh, yes, the anticipation
I could barely stand it!

He arrives to the restaurant,
and you know what he says?

He says:

"Hey, thanks for waiting!"

What?

(Laughter)

And now I'm dead,
because I love that line,

and I had never used it before.

Thanks for waiting!

And do you know what the rest of us said?

"Yeah, you're welcome"

(Laughter)

Okay, and we all just opened our menus,

and ordered... and life went on!

And everything was fine!

And I couldn't believe it,
because can you imagine

if a woman had arrived late

for a work meeting with her superiors?

Oh my godness!

She wouldn't have been able
to get in the door with the apologies!

There would have been flowing of:
"Oh I'm so sorry, I couldn't find parking,

and then my GPS didn't work,
and then I didn't have gas.

And I had to take the kids
to daycare, and I forgot their lunch,

and oh my gosh,
and oh my gosh!

Yeah, yeah... how can I get
some of that on my team?

(Laughter)

Right?

Or somebody else just says:

"Hey, thanks for waiting!"

"Hey, thanks for waiting!"

Love it!

Emails:

how often have you apologized
needlessly in an email?

Somebody calls you out on a mistake,

you could say:

"Thanks for catching that for me!",
"Hey, thanks for flagging that mistake!",

"Look at you, catching
my mistakes, good for you!"

(Laughter)

"Good for you!"

Every single one of us in here
has responded to a text

that you've got, and you
didn't respond right away.

What did you say?

"Sorry!"

First words:

"Sorry! Sorry I was..."

Don't apologize, you were working.

"I was working", "I was reading",

"I was driving",
"I was trying to put on spanx".

(Laughter)

Whatever it is, it's all good!

You don't have to apologize.

Do you know there is
a Google Chrome plug-in

for you computer, called
"just not sorry" ?

And it will alert you to all the
needless apologies in your emails.

Yeah, so the next time
you want to hit "send" it's going to say:

hey girl, you sure you want to hit "send"?

You have seven apologies...

in three lines!

And then you're
going to say thank you.

Thank you for bringing
that to my attention.

(Laughter)

So, getting off the apology train

is also about learning to say thank you.

When you get complimented on anything,

from your hair to a job well done at work,

you say two things:

thank you.

That's it.

But my gosh, we're Olympians,
we're gold medalist at the sport

of dismissing any praise that we get.

"Oh no, my gosh, oh my gosh!
Don't look at me! Don't compliment me!"

Right?

You got commended
for doing something well, you say:

"Oh, it's just luck!"

"Anybody could have done this."

"Well, if I could do it,
anybody could do it!"

Right? No!

Just say thank you.

That's all.

When you compliment
a woman, on her outfit...

What's you name?

Alexandra!

"Alexandra, I like your black blazer!"

Now, stereotypically,

what does Alexandra say?

"This old thing?"

"Oh my gosh!

I've got it on Clearance
for a 20 bucks!"

We've all done that!

Why are you telling people

how much you spent on your clothes?

"Oh, I just founded it
at the bottom of my closet!"

"Okay, well actually, Alexandra,
now that I'm looking at it...

it does look cheap."

(Laughter)

Because you led with the negative.

And now, upon closer
inspection, it does look wrinkled.

Why?

Just say thank you.

That's all you've got to do.

Just say thank you.

Men own their accomplishments,

women downplay.

When women get commended
for a job well done at work,

what do they stereotypically say?

But, also backed by research,
what do they say?

"Oh, I couldn't have done it...

I couldn't have done it without my...

team, oh my gosh! I couldn't...

Well, here's
my executive assistant,

and then my four member team,
and this Starbucks barista.

My husband, he's so supportive!

And my daughter,
my neighbour and my bestie..."

Alright...

(Laughter)

Alright, but guess what?

I only have funds to hire one person.

So, who am I hiring among
your 18 member entourage

that you literally just said,

you literally just said,
you needed all 18 of them?

But that's what we do.

We deflect, we minimize.

And anything other than "thank you",

when praised, makes you sound doubtful

of your accomplishments,

but also of your self-worth.

That matters.

I want you

to own your accomplishments.

I want you to stand in that light.

And know that you deserve it.

You are worth it.

You don't have to justify your successes,

you don't have to explain them away.

They are worth it.

The reason

we struggle with owning
our accomplishments,

the reason we struggle in the limelight

is because of a concept
called "feminine modesty".

It's the tendency for women
to downplay their achievements,

to minimize their accomplishments,

because we have been socialized

into thinking that it's not lady-like
it's not feminine to be boastful.

But also, because
we have been conditioned,

from a very young age,
to always be thinking about

how other people might feel.

How would other people feel,

if you were to own
that accomplishment?

And it's intimately linked
to a word called "humble".

Ah! I loath the word humble!

Do you know the definition of humble?

Having or showing a low-estimate
of one's own worth.

Let me repeat that.

Having or showing a low-estimate
of one's own worth.

Why would I want that for myself?

Why would I want that for you?

Why would I want that for my daughter?

Why would I want that
for any of my undergraduates?

No.

We have to own our accomplishments.

But there's a way out.

There is!

And I have three tips.

One: I want you to stop apologizing.

Now that I brought your attention
to all the needless, useless apologies,

you're going to be hearing,
hearing that everywhere!

And then I want you
to consciously stop apologizing,

even if it's mid-word.

Take it back!

(Laughter)

Even if you like:

"You know what? I'm so sor...no!
No, I'm not, David! I am not sorry!

I'm going to take that apology back!"

That's what I want you start doing.

The second is: say thank you.

When praised,

or complimented on anything: thank you!

And then zip it... move on!

(Laughter)

Just resist!

Oh my gosh, resist the urge

to insert a self-deprecating joke.

Resist the urge to deflect,
and just own it!

And then, a third tip, is:

I want you to help other women out.

I have been interrupting

these apologies for three
years now, and I'll do it everywhere!

I'll do it in the parking lot,
I'll do it to total strangers,

at the grocery store, in line somewhere.

And 100% of the time,
when I interrupt another woman,

and I say: why did you
just apologize for that?

First, she says "sorry", for saying sorry.

(Laughter)

But, what she then says is:

"I don't even know".

I don't even know.

Because, it has become our
habitual way of communicating.

And we need to stop

killing our confidence.

And so,

I want to end with this thought.

Instead of doubting yourself,

instead of justifying,
and explaining away your successes,

instead of apologizing,

I want you to thank yourself.

Because I was in the middle of writing
my acknowledgments for my books,

and so, I want
to read to you what I wrote.

"I'd like to start of by thanking myself,"

(Laughter)

(Applause)

"Damn girl! Damn girl, you did it!

I had a vision, I had a plan,

and then I worked
that plan every damn day".

And you'll see, I thank the team!

The team's all in there,
all you have research assistants,

and my husband,
and my daughter,

and this Starbucks barista,

and the woman
who does my nails.

They're all in there!

Sure, but it's after I thanked myself,

because I thanked the number
one person responsible for my success.

And that's me!

And that's alright.

And that's what I want for you!

I want you to start thanking yourself.

Thank you everybody!

(Applause)