3 steps to turn everyday get-togethers into transformative gatherings
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0:01 - 0:03When I was a child,
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0:03 - 0:04every other Friday,
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0:04 - 0:07I would leave my mother
and stepfather's home -- -
0:07 - 0:11an Indian and British, atheist, Buddhist,
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0:11 - 0:17agnostic, vegetarian, new age-y sometimes,
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0:17 - 0:18Democratic household.
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0:19 - 0:24And I would go 1.4 miles
to my father and stepmother's home -
0:24 - 0:27and enter a white, Evangelical Christian,
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0:27 - 0:30conservative, Republican,
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0:30 - 0:33twice-a-week-churchgoing,
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0:33 - 0:35meat-eating family.
-
0:36 - 0:38It doesn't take a shrink
to explain how I ended up -
0:38 - 0:40in the field of conflict resolution.
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0:40 - 0:42(Laughter)
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0:42 - 0:46Whether I was facilitating dialogues
in Charlottesville or Istanbul -
0:46 - 0:47or Ahmedabad,
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0:47 - 0:49the challenge was always the same:
-
0:50 - 0:52despite all odds,
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0:52 - 0:53and with integrity,
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0:53 - 0:56how do you get people
to connect meaningfully, -
0:56 - 0:58to take risks,
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0:58 - 1:01to be changed by their experience?
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1:02 - 1:07And I would witness extraordinarily
beautiful electricity in those rooms. -
1:08 - 1:10And then I would leave those rooms
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1:10 - 1:12and attend my everyday
gatherings like all of you -- -
1:12 - 1:16a wedding or a conference
or a back-to-school picnic -- -
1:16 - 1:17and many would fall flat.
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1:18 - 1:20There was a meaning gap
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1:20 - 1:23between these high-intensity
conflict groups -
1:23 - 1:25and my everyday gatherings.
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1:25 - 1:28Now, you could say, sure,
somebody's birthday party -
1:28 - 1:30isn't going to live up to a race dialogue,
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1:30 - 1:32but that's not what I was responding to.
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1:34 - 1:35As a facilitator,
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1:35 - 1:37you're taught to strip everything away
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1:37 - 1:40and focus on the interaction
between people, -
1:40 - 1:44whereas everyday hosts
focus on getting the things right -- -
1:44 - 1:47the food, the flowers, the fish knives --
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1:47 - 1:51and leave the interaction
between people largely to chance. -
1:52 - 1:56So I began to wonder how we might change
our everyday gatherings -
1:56 - 2:00to focus on making meaning
by human connection, -
2:00 - 2:02not obsessing with the canapés.
-
2:04 - 2:08And I set out and interviewed
dozens of brave and unusual hosts -- -
2:08 - 2:11an Olympic hockey coach,
a Cirque du Soleil choreographer, -
2:11 - 2:13a rabbi, a camp counselor--
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2:13 - 2:15to better understand
what creates meaningful -
2:15 - 2:17and even transformative gatherings.
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2:18 - 2:20And I want to share with you
some of what I learned today -
2:20 - 2:22about the new rules of gathering.
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2:24 - 2:26So when most people plan a gathering,
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2:26 - 2:28they start with an off-the-rack format.
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2:28 - 2:31Birthday party? Cake and candles.
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2:31 - 2:32Board meeting?
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2:32 - 2:35One brown table, 12 white men.
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2:35 - 2:37(Laughter)
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2:39 - 2:44Assuming the purpose is obvious,
we skip too quickly to form. -
2:44 - 2:46This not only leads to dull
and repetitive gatherings, -
2:46 - 2:49it misses a deeper opportunity
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2:49 - 2:51to actually address our needs.
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2:52 - 2:56The first step of creating
more meaningful everyday gatherings -
2:56 - 3:00is to embrace a specific
disputable purpose. -
3:01 - 3:05An expectant mother I know
was dreading her baby shower. -
3:06 - 3:08The idea of "pin the diaper
on the baby" games -
3:08 - 3:11and opening gifts felt odd and irrelevant.
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3:12 - 3:13So she paused to ask:
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3:13 - 3:16What is the purpose of a baby shower?
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3:16 - 3:19What is my need at this moment?
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3:19 - 3:22And she realized it was
to address her fears -
3:22 - 3:25of her and her husband's --
remember that guy? -- -
3:25 - 3:26transition to parenthood.
-
3:27 - 3:30And so she asked two friends
to invent a gathering based on that. -
3:31 - 3:34And so on a sunny afternoon,
six women gathered. -
3:34 - 3:39And first, to address her fear of labor --
she was terrified -- -
3:39 - 3:41they told her stories from her life
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3:41 - 3:45to remind her of the characteristics
she already carries -- -
3:45 - 3:49bravery, wonder, faith, surrender --
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3:50 - 3:53that they believed would carry her
and help her in labor as well. -
3:53 - 3:58And as they spoke, they tied a bead
for each quality into a necklace -
3:58 - 4:01that she could wear around her neck
in the delivery room. -
4:01 - 4:03Next, her husband came in,
-
4:03 - 4:07and they wrote new vows,
family vows, and spoke them aloud, -
4:07 - 4:10first committing to keep
their marriage central -
4:10 - 4:11as they transitioned to parenthood,
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4:11 - 4:14but also future vows to their future son
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4:14 - 4:17of what they wanted to carry with them
from each of their family lines -
4:17 - 4:20and what would stop with this generation.
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4:20 - 4:24Then more friends came along,
including men, for a dinner party. -
4:24 - 4:28And in lieu of gifts, they each brought
a favorite memory from their childhood -
4:28 - 4:30to share with the table.
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4:30 - 4:34Now, you might be thinking
this is a lot for a baby shower, -
4:34 - 4:36or it's a little weird
or it's a little intimate. -
4:36 - 4:37Good.
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4:38 - 4:39It's specific.
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4:39 - 4:40It's disputable.
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4:40 - 4:42It's specific to them,
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4:42 - 4:45just as your gathering
should be specific to you. -
4:46 - 4:50The next step of creating
more meaningful everyday gatherings -
4:50 - 4:53is to cause good controversy.
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4:54 - 4:56You may have learned, as I did,
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4:56 - 4:59never to talk about sex, politics
or religion at the dinner table. -
4:59 - 5:02It's a good rule in that
it preserves harmony, -
5:02 - 5:04or that's its intention.
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5:04 - 5:08But it strips away a core ingredient
of meaning, which is heat, -
5:08 - 5:10burning relevance.
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5:11 - 5:15The best gatherings learn
to cultivate good controversy -
5:15 - 5:17by creating the conditions for it,
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5:17 - 5:22because human connection
is as threatened by unhealthy peace -
5:22 - 5:24as by unhealthy conflict.
-
5:25 - 5:28I was once working
with an architecture firm, -
5:28 - 5:29and they were at a crossroads.
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5:29 - 5:33They had to figure out whether they wanted
to continue to be an architecture firm -
5:33 - 5:35and focus on the construction of buildings
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5:35 - 5:38or pivot and become
the hot new thing, a design firm, -
5:38 - 5:41focusing on beyond
the construction of spaces. -
5:41 - 5:43And there was real
disagreement in the room, -
5:43 - 5:46but you wouldn't know, because no one
was actually speaking up publicly. -
5:46 - 5:48And so we hosted good controversy.
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5:48 - 5:51After a lunch break,
all the architects came back, -
5:51 - 5:54and we hosted a cage match.
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5:55 - 5:57They walked in,
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5:57 - 6:00we took one architect, put him
in one corner to represent architecture, -
6:00 - 6:02the other one to represent design.
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6:02 - 6:04We threw white towels around their necks,
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6:04 - 6:06stolen from the bathroom -- sorry --
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6:06 - 6:09played Rocky music on an iPad,
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6:09 - 6:11got each a Don King-like manager
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6:11 - 6:13to rev them up and prepare them
with counterarguments, -
6:14 - 6:17and then basically made them each argue
the best possible argument -
6:17 - 6:19of each future vision.
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6:19 - 6:23The norm of politeness
was blocking their progress. -
6:23 - 6:27And we then had everybody else
physically choose a side -
6:27 - 6:28in front of their colleagues.
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6:28 - 6:31And because they were able
to actually show where they stood, -
6:31 - 6:33they broke an impasse.
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6:33 - 6:35Architecture won.
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6:35 - 6:37So that's work.
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6:37 - 6:42What about a hypothetical
tense Thanksgiving dinner? -
6:42 - 6:43Anyone?
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6:43 - 6:45(Laughter)
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6:46 - 6:49So first, ask the purpose.
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6:49 - 6:52What does this family need this year?
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6:53 - 6:56If cultivating good heat is part of it,
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6:56 - 7:01then try for a night banning opinions
and asking for stories instead. -
7:01 - 7:04Choose a theme
related to the underlying conflict. -
7:05 - 7:06But instead of opinions,
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7:06 - 7:09ask everybody to share a story
from their life and experience -
7:09 - 7:12that nobody around the table
has ever heard, -
7:12 - 7:14to difference or to belonging
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7:14 - 7:17or to a time I changed my mind,
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7:18 - 7:20giving people a way in to each other
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7:20 - 7:22without burning the house down.
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7:24 - 7:27And finally, to create more meaningful
everyday gatherings, -
7:28 - 7:31create a temporary alternative world
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7:31 - 7:34through the use of pop-up rules.
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7:35 - 7:39A few years ago, I started noticing
invitations coming with a set of rules. -
7:40 - 7:42Kind of boring or controlling, right?
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7:43 - 7:44Wrong.
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7:44 - 7:47In this multicultural,
intersectional society, -
7:47 - 7:49where more of us are gathered and raised
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7:49 - 7:52by people and with etiquette
unlike our own, -
7:52 - 7:54where we don't share the etiquette,
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7:54 - 7:56unspoken norms are trouble,
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7:57 - 8:01whereas pop-up rules allow us
to connect meaningfully. -
8:01 - 8:05They're one-time-only constitutions
for a specific purpose. -
8:05 - 8:07So a team dinner,
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8:07 - 8:10where different generations are gathering
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8:10 - 8:13and don't share the same
assumptions of phone etiquette: -
8:14 - 8:16whoever looks at their phone first
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8:16 - 8:17foots the bill.
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8:17 - 8:19(Laughter)
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8:19 - 8:20Try it.
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8:20 - 8:21(Applause)
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8:21 - 8:24For an entrepreneurial advice circle
of just strangers, -
8:24 - 8:27where the hosts don't want
everybody to just listen -
8:27 - 8:29to the one venture capitalist
in the room -- -
8:29 - 8:30(Laughter)
-
8:30 - 8:31knowing laugh --
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8:31 - 8:32(Laughter)
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8:32 - 8:36you can't reveal what you do for a living.
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8:36 - 8:38For a mom's dinner,
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8:38 - 8:40where you want to upend the norms
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8:40 - 8:44of what women who also happen
to be mothers talk about when they gather, -
8:44 - 8:47if you talk about your kids,
you have to take a shot. -
8:48 - 8:50(Laughter)
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8:51 - 8:52That's a real dinner.
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8:53 - 8:55Rules are powerful,
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8:55 - 9:00because they allow us to temporarily
change and harmonize our behavior. -
9:00 - 9:02And in diverse societies,
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9:02 - 9:05pop-up rules carry special force.
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9:05 - 9:07They allow us to gather across difference,
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9:07 - 9:09to connect,
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9:09 - 9:10to make meaning together
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9:10 - 9:12without having to be the same.
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9:13 - 9:15When I was a child,
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9:16 - 9:19I navigated my two worlds
by becoming a chameleon. -
9:19 - 9:21If somebody sneezed in my mother's home,
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9:22 - 9:23I would say, "Bless you,"
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9:23 - 9:26in my father's, "God bless you."
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9:27 - 9:29To protect myself, I hid,
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9:29 - 9:31as so many of us do.
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9:31 - 9:34And it wasn't until I grew up
and through conflict work -
9:34 - 9:36that I began to stop hiding.
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9:38 - 9:41And I realized that gatherings for me,
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9:41 - 9:42at their best,
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9:42 - 9:45allow us to be among others,
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9:45 - 9:48to be seen for who we are,
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9:48 - 9:50and to see.
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9:52 - 9:54The way we gather matters
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9:55 - 9:58because how we gather
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9:58 - 9:59is how we live.
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10:00 - 10:01Thank you.
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10:01 - 10:04(Applause)
- Title:
- 3 steps to turn everyday get-togethers into transformative gatherings
- Speaker:
- Priya Parker
- Description:
-
Why do some gatherings take off and others don't? Author Priya Parker shares three easy steps to turn your parties, dinners, meetings and holidays into meaningful, transformative gatherings.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 10:17
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for 3 steps to turn everyday get-togethers into transformative gatherings | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for 3 steps to turn everyday get-togethers into transformative gatherings | ||
Oliver Friedman approved English subtitles for 3 steps to turn everyday get-togethers into transformative gatherings | ||
Oliver Friedman edited English subtitles for 3 steps to turn everyday get-togethers into transformative gatherings | ||
Camille Martínez accepted English subtitles for 3 steps to turn everyday get-togethers into transformative gatherings | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for 3 steps to turn everyday get-togethers into transformative gatherings | ||
Camille Martínez edited English subtitles for 3 steps to turn everyday get-togethers into transformative gatherings | ||
Joseph Geni edited English subtitles for 3 steps to turn everyday get-togethers into transformative gatherings |