-
So the other morning
I went to the grocery store
-
and an employee greeted me
-
with a "Good morning, sir,
can I help you with anything?"
-
I said, "No, thanks, I'm good."
-
The person smiled
and we went our separate ways,
-
I grabbed Cheerios
and I left the grocery store
-
and I went through the drive-through
of a local coffee shop.
-
After I placed my order,
the voice on the other end said,
-
"Thank you, ma'am. Drive right around."
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Now, on the span of less than an hour,
-
I was understood
both as a "sir" and as a "ma'am."
-
But for me, neither
of these people are wrong,
-
but they're also not completely right.
-
This cute little human
is my almost-two-year-old Elliot.
-
Yeah, alright.
-
And over the past two years,
-
this kid has forced me
to rethink the world
-
and how I participate in it.
-
I identify as transgender and as a parent,
that makes me a transparent.
-
(Laughter)
-
(Applause)
-
(Cheering)
-
(Applause)
-
As you can see, I took
this year's theme super literal.
-
(Laughter)
-
Like any good dad joke should.
-
More specifically, I identify
as genderqueer.
-
And there are lots of ways
to experience being genderqueer,
-
but for me that means I don't
really identify as a mam or a woman.
-
I feel in between and sometimes
outside of this gender binary.
-
And being outside of this gender binary
-
means that sometimes I get
"sired" and "ma'amed"
-
in the span of less than an hour
when I'm out doing everyday things
-
like getting Cheerios.
-
But this in between lane
is where I'm most comfortable.
-
This space where I can be
both a sir and a ma'am
-
feels the most right
and the most authentic.
-
But it doesn't mean that these
interactions aren't uncomfortable.
-
Trust me, the discomfort can range
from minor annoyance
-
to feeling physically unsafe.
-
Like the time at a bar in college
-
when a bouncer physically
removed me by the back of the neck
-
and threw me out of a woman's restroom.
-
But for me, authenticity
doesn't mean comfortable.
-
It means managing and negotiating
the discomfort of everyday life,
-
even at times when it's unsafe.
-
And it wasn't until
my experience as a trans person
-
collided with my new identity as a parent
-
that I understood
the depth of my vulnerabilities
-
and how they are preventing me
from being my most authentic self.
-
Now, for most people,
what their child will call them
-
is not something
that they give much thought to
-
outside of culturally specific words
-
or variations on a gendered theme
like "mama", "mommy" or "daddy", "papa."
-
But for me, the possibility
is what this child,
-
who will grow to be a teenager
and then a real-life adult,
-
will call me for the rest of our lives,
-
was both extremely scary and exciting.
-
And I spent nine months wrestling
with the reality that being called "mama"
-
or something like it
didn't feel like me at all.
-
And no matter how many times
or versions of "mom" I tried,
-
it always felt forced
and deeply uncomfortable.
-
I knew being called "mom" or "mommy"
would be easier to digest for most people.
-
The idea of having two moms
is not super novel,
-
especially where we live.
-
So I tried other words.
-
And when I played around
with "daddy," it felt better.
-
Better, but not perfect.
-
It felt like a pair of shoes
that you really liked
-
but you needed to wear and break in.
-
And I knew the idea of being
a female-born person being called "daddy"
-
was going to be a harder road
with a lot more uncomfortable moments.
-
But, before I knew it, the time had come
-
and Elliot came screaming
into the world, like most babies do,
-
and my new identity as a parent began.
-
I decided I'm becoming a daddy,
and our new family faced the world.
-
Now one of the most common things
that happens when people meet us
-
is for people to "mom" me.
-
And when I get "momed", there are
several ways the interaction can go
-
and I've drawn this map
to help illustrate my options.
-
(Laughter)
-
So, option one is to ignore the assumption
-
and allow folks to continue
to refer to me as "mom,"
-
which is not awkward for the other party,
-
but is typically really awkward for us.
-
And it usually causes me to restrict
my interaction with those people.
-
Option one.
-
Option two is to stop and correct them
-
and say something like,
-
"Actually, I'm Elliot's dad"
or "Elliot calls me 'daddy.'"
-
And when I do this, one or two
of the following things happen.
-
Folks take it in stride
and say something like, "Oh, OK."
-
And move on.
-
Or they respond by apologizing profusely
-
because they feel bad or awkward
or guilty or weird.
-
But more often, what happens
is folks get really confused
-
and look up with an intense look
and say something like,
-
"Does this mean you want to transition?
-
Do you want to be a man?"
-
Or say things like,
-
"How can she be a father?
-
Only men can be dads."
-
Well, option one is oftentimes
the easier route.
-
Option two is always
the more authentic one.
-
And all of these scenarios
involve a level of discomfort,
-
even in the best case.
-
And I'll say that over time, my ability
to navigate this complicated map
-
has gone easier.
-
But the discomfort is still there.
-
Now, I won't stand here and pretend
-
like I've mastered this,
it's pretty far from it.
-
And there are days when I still allow
option one to take place
-
because option two
is just too hard or too risky.
-
There's no way to be sure
of anyone's reaction,
-
and I want to be sure
that folks have good intentions,
-
that people are good.
-
But we live in a world
where someone's opinion of my existence
-
can be met with serious threats to me
-
or even my family's emotional
or physical safety.
-
So I weigh the costs against the risks
-
and sometimes the safety of my family
comes before my own authenticity.
-
But despite this risk,
-
I know as Elliot gets older and grows into
her consciousness and language skills,
-
if I don't correct people, she will.
-
I don't want my fears and insecurities
to be placed on her,
-
to dampen her spirit
or make her question her own voice.
-
I need to model agency,
authenticity and vulnerability
-
and that means leaning into those
uncomfortable moments of being "momed"
-
and standing up and saying,
"No, I'm a dad.
-
And I even have
the dad jokes to prove it."
-
(Laughter)
-
Now, there have already been
plenty of uncomfortable moments
-
and even some painful ones.
-
But there's also been,
in just two short years,
-
validating and at times transformative
moments on my journey as a dad
-
and my path towards authenticity.
-
When we got our first sonogram,
-
we decided we wanted to know
the sex of the baby.
-
The technician saw a vulva
and slapped the words "It's a girl"
-
on the screen and gave us a copy
and sent us on our way.
-
We shared the photo
with our families like everyone does
-
and soon after, my mom showed up
at our house with a bag filled --
-
I'm not exaggerating,
-
it was like this high and it was filled,
overflowing with pink clothes and toys.
-
Now I was a little annoyed
to be confronted with a lot of pink things
-
and having studied gender
-
and spent countless hours teaching
about it in workshops and classrooms,
-
I thought I was pretty well versed
on the social construction of gender
-
and how sexism is a devaluing
of the feminine
-
and how it manifests
both explicitly and implicitly.
-
But this situation, this aversion
to a bag full of pink stuff,
-
forced me to explore my rejection
of highly feminized things
-
in my child's world.
-
I realized that I was reinforcing sexism
-
and the cultural norms
I teach as problematic.
-
No matter how much I believed
in gender neutrality in theory,
-
in practice, the absence of femininity
is not neutrality, it's masculinity.
-
If I only dress my baby
in greens and blues and grays,
-
the outside world doesn't think,
"Oh, that's a cute gender-neutral baby."
-
They think, "Oh, what a cute boy."
-
So my theoretical understanding of gender
and my parenting world collided hard.
-
Yes, I want a diversity of colors and toys
for my child to experience.
-
I want a balanced
environment for her to explore
-
and make sense of in her own way.
-
We even picked a gender-neutral name
for our female-born child.
-
But gender neutrality is much easier
as a theoretical endeavor
-
than it is as a practice.
-
And in my attempts
to create gender neutrality,
-
I was inadvertently privileging
masculinity over femininity.
-
So, rather than toning down
or eliminating femininity in our lives,
-
we make a concerted effort
to celebrate it.
-
We have pinks among the variety of colors,
-
we balance out the cutes with handsomes
-
and the prettys with strongs and smarts
-
and work really hard
not to associate any words with gender.
-
We value femininity and masculinity
-
while also being highly critical of it.
-
And do our best to not make her feel
limited by gender roles.
-
And we do all this in hopes
-
that we model a healthy and empowered
relationship with gender for our kid.
-
Now this work to develop a healthy
relationship with gender for Elliot
-
made me rethink and evaluate
how I allowed sexism to manifest
-
in my own gender identity.
-
I began to reevaluate
how I was rejecting femininity
-
in order to live up to a masculinity
that was not healthy
-
or something I wanted to pass on.
-
Doing this self-work
meant I had to reject option one.
-
I couldn't ignore and move on.
-
I had to choose option two.
-
I had to engage with some
of my most uncomfortable parts
-
to move towards my most authentic self.
-
And that meant I had to get real
about the discomfort I have with my body.
-
It's pretty common for trans people
to feel uncomfortable in their body
-
and this discomfort can range
from debilitating to annoying
-
and everywhere in between.
-
And learning my body and how
to be comfortable in it as a trans person
-
has been a lifelong journey.
-
I've always struggled
with the parts of my body
-
that can be defined as more feminine --
-
my chest, my hips, my voice.
-
And I've made the sometimes hard,
sometimes easy decision
-
to not take hormones
or have any surgeries to change it
-
to make myself more masculine
by society's standards.
-
And while I certainly haven't overcome
all the feelings of dissatisfaction,
-
I realized that by not engaging
with that discomfort
-
and coming to a positive
and affirming place with my body,
-
I was reinforcing sexism, transphobia
and modeling body shaming.
-
If I hate my body,
-
in particular, the parts
society deems feminine or female,
-
I potentially damage how my kid
can see the possibilities of her body
-
and her feminine and female parts.
-
If I hate or am uncomfortable
with my body,
-
how can I expect my kid to love hers?
-
Now it would be easier for me
to choose option one.
-
To ignore my kid when she asks me
about my body or to hide it from her.
-
But I have to choose option two every day.
-
I have to confront my own assumptions
about what a dad's body can and should be.
-
So I work every day to try
and be more comfortable in this body
-
and in the ways I express femininity.
-
So I talk about it more,
-
I explore the depths of this discomfort
-
and find language
that I feel comfortable with.
-
And this daily discomfort helps me build
both agency and authenticity
-
in how show up in my body
and in my gender.
-
I'm working against limiting myself.
-
I want to show her
that a dad can have hips,
-
a dad doesn't have to have
a perfectly flat chest
-
or even be able to grow facial hair.
-
And when she'd developmentally able to,
-
I want to talk to her
about my journey with my body.
-
I want her to see my journey
towards authenticity
-
even when it means showing her
the messier parts.
-
We have a wonderful pediatrician
-
and have established a good relationship
with our kid's doctor.
-
And as you all know,
while your doctor stays the same,
-
your nurses and nurse practitioners
change in and out.
-
And when Elliot was first born,
we took her to the pediatrician
-
and we met our first nurse --
we'll call her Sarah.
-
Very early in in our time with Sarah,
-
we told her how I was
going to be called "dad"
-
and my partner is "mama."
-
Sarah was one of those folks
that took it in stride
-
and our subsequent visits
went pretty smoothly.
-
And about a year later,
Sarah switched shifts
-
and we started working
with a new nurse -- we'll call her Becky.
-
We didn't get in front
of the dad conversations
-
and it didn't actually come up
until Sarah, our original nurse,
-
walked in to say hi.
-
Sarah's warm and bubbly and said hi
to Elliot and me and my wife
-
and when talking to Elliot
said something like,
-
"Is your daddy holding your toy?"
-
Now out of the corner of my eye,
-
I could see Becky
swing around in her chair
-
and make daggers at Sarah.
-
And as the conversation shifted
to our pediatrician,
-
I saw Sarah and Becky's interaction
continue, and it went something like this.
-
Becky, shaking her head "no"
and mouthing the word "mom."
-
Sarah, shaking her head "no"
and mouthing the word "no, dad."
-
(Laughter)
-
Awkward, right?
-
So this went back and forth
in total silence a few more times
-
until we walked away.
-
Now, this interaction has stuck with me.
-
Sarah could have chosen option one,
-
ignored Becky and let her
refer to me as mom.
-
It would have been easier for Sarah.
-
She could have put the responsibility
back on me or not said anything at all.
-
But in that moment, she chose option two.
-
She chose to confront the assumptions
and affirm my existence.
-
She insisted that a person
who looks and sounds like me
-
can in fact be a dad.
-
And in a small but meaningful way,
-
advocated for me,
my authenticity and my family.
-
Unfortunately, we live in a world
that refuses to acknowledge trans people
-
and the diversity
of trans people in general.
-
And my hope is that when confronted
with an opportunity
-
to stand up for someone else,
-
we all take action like Sarah,
even when there's risk involved.
-
So some days, the risk of being
a genderqueer dad feels too much.
-
And deciding to be a dad
has been really hard.
-
And I'm sure it will continue
to be the hardest,
-
yet the most rewarding
experience of my life.
-
But despite this challenge,
every day has felt 100 percent worth it.
-
So each day I affirm my promise to Elliot
-
and that same promise to myself.
-
To love her and myself hard
-
with forgiveness and compassion,
-
with tough love and with generosity.
-
To give room for growth,
to push beyond comfort
-
in hopes of attaining and living
a more meaningful life.
-
I know in my head and in my heart
-
that there are hard and painful
and uncomfortable days ahead.
-
My head and my heart also know
-
that all of it will lead
to a more rich, authentic life
-
that I can look back on without regrets.
-
Thank you.
-
(Applause)
Krystian Aparta
The TEDx version of this talk is available for translation at https://amara.org/en/videos/Zcv2UJ0fFDlp/info/finding-authenticity-in-discomfort-lb-hannahs-tedxuf