How to speak up when you feel like you can’t | Adam Galinsky | TEDxNewYork

We all experience moments when it's hard to speak up - whether it's at work, in our relationships, or out in public with a stranger. Social psychologist Adam Galinsky shows research and shares helpful tips on how to find your voice when it matters most, and to advocate for others who need it.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

Speaking up is hard to do.

I understood the true meaning
of this phrase exactly one month ago

when my wife and I became new parents.

It was an amazing moment.

It was exhilarating and elating,
but it was also scary and terrifying.

It got particularly terrifying
when we got home from the hospital.

We were unsure
whether our little baby boy

was getting enough nutrients
from breastfeeding.

We wanted to call our paediatrician,

but we also didn't want
to make a bad first impression

or come across as a crazy neurotic parent,
so we worried and we waited.

When we got to the doctor's office
the next day,

she immediately gave him formula
because he was pretty dehydrated.

Our son is fine now,

and our doctor has reassured us
we can always contact her.

But in that moment,
I should have spoken up,

but I didn't.

But sometimes we speak up
when we shouldn't.

I learned that over ten years ago
when I let my twin brother down.

My twin brother
is a documentary filmmaker,

and for one of his first films, he got
an offer from a distribution company.

He was excited and he was inclined
to accept the offer,

but as a negotiations researcher,
I insisted he make a counteroffer,

and I helped him craft the perfect one.

It was perfect;
it was perfectly insulting.

The company was so offended
they literally withdrew the offer

and my brother was left with nothing.

I've ask people all over the world
about this dilemma of speaking up:

when they can assert themselves,
when they can push their interest,

when they can express an opinion,
when they can make an ambitious ask.

The range of stories
are varied and diverse

but they also make up
a universal tapestry.

"Can I correct my boss
when they make a mistake?"

"Can I confront my co-worker
who keeps stepping on my toes?"

"Can I challenge
my friend's insensitive joke?"

"Can I tell the person I love the most
my deepest insecurities?"

Through these experiences,
I've come to recognize

that each of us have something
called "a range of acceptable behavior."

Sometimes, we're too strong;
we push ourselves too much.

That's what happened with my brother.

Even making an offer was outside
his range of acceptable behavior.

But sometimes we're too weak.

That's what happened with my wife and I.

This range of acceptable behaviors,

when we stay within our range,
we're rewarded,

and we step outside that range,
we get punished in a variety of ways:

we get dismissed, or demeaned,
or even ostracized,

or we lose that raise,
or that promotion, or that deal.

Now, the first thing we need
to know is: "What is my range?"

But the key thing is,
our range isn't fixed.

It's actually pretty dynamic.

It expands and it narrows
based on the context.

There's one thing that determines
that range more than anything else.

That's your power.

Your power determines your range.

What is power?

Power comes in lots of forms.

In negotiations, it comes
in the form of alternatives.

So my brother had
no alternatives; he lacked power.

The company had lots
of alternatives; they had power.

Or sometimes being new
to a country like an immigrant,

or new to an organization,

or new to an experience
like my wife and I as new parents.

Sometimes it's at work,

or someone's the boss
and someone's the subordinate.

Sometimes it's in relationships

where one person is more invested
than the other person.

The key thing is,

when we have lots of power,
our range is very wide.

We have a lot of leeway in how to behave.

But when we lack power, our range narrows.

We have very little leeway.

The problem is when our range narrows,

that produces something called
"the low-power double bind."

The low-power double bind happens

when if we don't speak up,
we go unnoticed,

but if we do speak up, we get punished.

Now, many of you have heard
the phrase "the double bind"

and connected it with one thing,
and that's gender.

The gender double bind is:

women who don't speak up go unnoticed,
and women who do speak up get punished.

The key thing is that women
have the same need as men to speak up,

but they have barriers to doing so.

But what my research has shown
over the last two decades

is that what looks
like a gender difference

is not really a gender double bind;
it's really a low-power double bind.

What looks like a gender difference

are really often just
power differences in disguise.

Oftentimes, we see a difference

between a man and a woman
or men and women,

and we think biological cause,

there's something fundamentally
different about the sexes.

But in study after study,
I found that a better explanation

for many sex differences
is really "power."

So it's the low-power double bind,
and the low-power double bind means

that we have a narrow range
and we lack power;

we have a narrow range
and our double bind is very large.

So, we need to find ways
to expand our range.

Over the last couple of decades,

my colleagues and I have found
two things really matter.

The first, you seem powerful
in your own eyes.

The second, you seem powerful
in the eyes of others.

When I feel powerful,
I feel confident, not fearful,

and I expand my own range.

When other people see me as powerful,
they grant me a wider range.

So we need tools to expand
our range of acceptable behavior.

I'm going to give you
a set of tools today.

Now, speaking up is risky.

But these tools will lower
your risk of speaking up.

The first tool I'm going to give you
got discovered in negotiations.

An important finding:

on average, women
make less ambitious offers,

and gets worse outcomes
than men at the bargaining table.

But Hannah Riley Bowles
and Emily Amanatullah

have discovered there's one situation

where women get the same outcomes
as man and are just as ambitious.

That's when they advocate for others.

When they advocate for others,

they discover their own range,
and expand it in their own mind.

They become more assertive.

This is sometimes called
the "mama bear effect."

Like a mama bear defending her cubs,

when we advocate for others,
we can discover our own voice.

But sometimes,
we have to advocate for ourselves.

How do we do that?

One of the most important tools
we have to advocate for ourselves

is something called "perspective-taking."

Perspective-taking is really simple.

It's simply looking at the world
through the eyes of another person.

It's one of the most important tools
we have to expand our range.

When I take your perspective,
and I think about what you really want,

you're more likely to give me
what I really want.

But here's the problem:

perspective-taking is hard to do.

Let's do a little experiment.

I want you all to hold your hand
just like this, your finger, put it up.

I want you to draw a capital letter "E"
on your forehead as quickly as possible.

Okay.

It turns out that we can draw
this "E" in one of two ways

and this was originally designed
as a test of perspective-taking.

I'm going to show you two pictures
of someone with "E" on their forehead.

My former student Erica Hall.

You can see over here,
that's the correct "E".

I drew the "E" so it looks like
an "E" to another person.

That's the perspective-taking "E,"

because it looks like an "E"
from someone else's vantage point.

But this "E" over here
is the self-focused "E."

We often get self-focused

and we particularly get
self-focused in a crisis.

I want to tell you
about a particular crisis.

A man walks into a bank
in Watsonville, California.

He says, "Give me $2,000,

or I'm blowing
the bank up with a bomb."

The bank manager
didn't give him the money.

She took a step back;
she took his perspective.

She noticed something really important.

He asked for a specific amount of money.

So she said, "Why did you ask for $2,000?"

He said, "My friend is going to be evicted
unless I get him $2,000 immediately.

She said, "Oh,
you don't want to rob the bank.

You want to take out a loan."

(Laughter)

"Come back to my office

and we can have you
fill out the paperwork."

(Laughter)

Now, her quick perspective-taking
diffused a volatile situation.

When we take someone's perspective,

it allows us to be ambitious
and assertive, but still be likable.

Here's another way
to be assertive but still be likable.

That is to signal flexibility.

Imagine you're a car salesperson
and you want to sell someone a car.

You're going to more likely make the sale
if you give them two options.

Let's say, option A:

$24,000 for this car,
and a five-year warranty.

Or option B:

$23,000 and a three-year warranty.

My research shows that when
you give people a choice among options,

it lowers their defences,

and they're more likely
to accept your offer.

This doesn't just work with salespeople;
it works with parents.

When my niece was four,

she resisted getting dressed
and rejected everything.

But then my sister-in-law
had a brilliant idea.

"What if I gave my daughter a choice?"

"This shirt or that shirt?"
"Okay, that shirt."

"This pant or that pant?"
"Okay, that pant."

That worked brilliantly.

She got dressed quickly,
and without resistance.

When I've asked the question
around the world,

when people feel comfortable speaking up,
the number one answer is:

"When I have social support
in my audience."

"When I have allies."

So, we want to get allies on our side.

How do we do that?

One of the ways is to be a "mama bear."

When we advocate for others,
we expand our range in our own eyes

and in the eyes of others
but we also earn strong allies.

Another way we can earn strong allies,
especially in high places,

is by asking other people for advice.

When we ask others for advice,

they like us because we flatter them
and we're expressing humility.

This really works to solve
another double bind.

That's the self-promotion double bind.

The self-promotion double bind

is that if we don't advertise
our accomplishments,

no one notices,
and if we do, we're not likable.

But if we ask for advice
about one of our accomplishments,

we are able to be competent
in their eyes, but also be likable.

This is so powerful.

It even works when you see it coming.

There've been multiple times in my life
where I have been forewarned

that a low-power person has been given
the advice to come ask me for advice.

There are three things about this:

First, I knew they were going
to come ask me for advice;

Two, I've actually done research

on the strategic benefits
of asking for advice;

And three, it still works!

I took their perspective,
I became more invested in their cause,

I became more committed to them,
because they asked for advice.

Now, another time we feel
more confident speaking up

is when we have expertise.

Expertise gives us credibility.

When we have high power,
we already have credibility.

We only need good evidence.

We lack power,
we don't have the credibility,

we need excellent evidence.

One of the ways that we can come across

as an expert is by tapping
into our passion.

I want everyone in the next few days
to go up to a friend of theirs,

and just say to them, "I want you
to describe a passion of yours to me."

I've had people do this
all over the world,

and I asked them, "What did you
notice about the other person

when they described their passion?"

The answers are always the same.

"Their eyes lit up and got big."

"They smiled, a big beaming smile."

"They use their hands all over;

I had to duck because their hands
were coming at me."

"They talk quickly
with a higher pitch."

(Laughter)

And, "They leaned in
as if telling me a secret."

Then I said to them, "What happened
to you as you listen to their passion?"

They said. "My eyes lit up.
I smiled; I leaned in."

When we tap into our passion,

we give ourselves the courage
in our own eyes to speak up,

but we also get the permission
from others to speak up.

Tapping into our passion even works
when we come across as too weak.

Both men and women get punished
at work when they shed tears.

But Lizzy Wolf has shown

that when we frame
our strong emotions as passion,

the condemnation of our crying
disappears for both men and women.

I want to end with a few words
from my late father that he spoke

at my twin brother's wedding.

Here's a picture of us.

My dad was a psychologist like me,

but his real love and his real passion
was cinema, like my brother.

He wrote a speech for my brother's wedding

about the roles we play
in the human comedy.

He said, "The lighter your touch,
the better you become

at improving and enriching
your performance.

Those who embrace their roles
and work to improve their performance

grow, change, and expand the self.

Play it well, and your days
will be mostly joyful."

What my dad was saying

is that we've all been assigned
ranges and roles in this world.

But he was also saying
the essence of this talk.

Those roles and ranges
are constantly expanding and evolving.

So, when a scene calls for it,

be a ferocious mama bear,
and a humble advice seeker.

Have excellent evidence and strong allies.

Be a passionate perspective taker.

If you use those tools -

and each and every one
of you can use these tools -

you'll expand your range
of acceptable behavior

and your days will be mostly joyful.

Thank you.

(Applause)